After listening to Maggie Gallagher's ridiculous arguments as to why gay marriage will lead to a godless world where parents will be forced to send their children off to gay concentration camps and where it rains all the time, you can't help asking, "Is this the best you have?" I mean, come on, what fun is it arguing with an opponent whose arguments against you are outright lies? In fact, we sort of think engaging with a screaming shrill harpy is, how do we say this, 'beneath us?' To paraphrase former First Lady Barbara Bush, why would we want to waste our beautiful minds on someone like Maggie Gallagher?
To make the fight a bit more interesting, we're throwing the bigots a bone. Want a reason to be against gay marriage? We've got ten.
10. Think of the antique dealers. First of all, you must know by now that gays love antiquing. We saw it in a movie once and thus, it must be true. If gays and lesbians get married, chances are they're going to have more kids and have you ever put a 19th Century Shaker chest in the same room as a toddler with crayons before? With our disposable income being wasted on disposable diapers, gays will have less time to go to cute rural towns and waste their money buying old junk. The economy just can't handle a blow like that right now.
9. What will become of Laurel Toby?! The Mediabistro founder is a one-woman impersonation of Sex & The City and without a cavalcade of amusing gays at her side to go out to Balthazar, what the hell is she going to do with her time? We can not leave our nation's fag hags and fruit flies high and dry.
8. Don't the gays realize that if they all get married there won't be anyone left to actually plan all these weddings? As you know, most gays, when not listening to ABBA are busy building flower arrangements or dying fabric for Vera Wang. Gay marriage would be like giving all the nation's waiters free dinner coupons. It just doesn't add up!
7. Normalizing gay rights would put thousands of people out of work. Ex-gay ministers, The American Family Council, heck, in time maybe even Rush Limbaugh. Why do gay people want to put Americans out of business? Have they no shame?
6. We need to protect our nation's outspoken political celebrities. Normalizing gay marriage would rob them a Very Important Issue. What are they supposed to talk about at the awards podium, then?
5. Every time a state legalizes gay marriage, it gets a multi-million dollar boost to its economy, but if we let gay marriage be legal everywhere, that benefit will get spread out over all 50 states. The states that allowed gay marriage early on, will have built an economy on gay marriage that's unsustainable and once the "gay marriage bubble" bursts, the fed will have to step in and help prop up the states who have transformed their economy selling "his & his" wedding cakes.
4. With apologies to Jonathan Swift, legalizing gay marriage would only exacerbate the population problem. Currently gays and lesbians, stigmatized as deviants by people like Maggie, are routinely beaten and killed, or if they're lonely teenagers, they just off themselves all on their own. So long as we keep institutionalizing discrimination we can count on gays and lesbians dying, thereby keeping the population from swelling.
3. Perhaps more than anyone else affected, a nation with gay marriage would be disastrous to our imperiled lawyer class. So long as we keep the laws contradictory, arbitrary and different from state to state, we can keep the courts busy with lawsuits and counter lawsuits for decades. We need to keep the law confusing, for the lawyers.
2. Think of the message legalized gay marriage would send to the rest of the world. It would say, "Hey, look! America believes in equal rights for all people in the public sphere, even when they disagree privately." What kind of example would that be? What if the whole world were to celebrate diversity of opinion and belief and protect equal rights and liberties? CNN is already boring enough as it is!
1. Finally, if gay marriage were legal, what excuse would Maggie Gallagher have for still being a lonely, hate-filled woman? Oh, who are we kidding? Some folks are just born that way and even though we can't stand you, we'll let you keep on demonstrating what a terrible person you really are. It's the American way.
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Maggie Gallagher isn't even married, has no boyfriend, and will not have sex with real men. I think we should focus on her vagina for a while.
After all there's an entire organization called Focus on My Anus, oh, I meant Focus on the Family.
@Mark: She's married now, but yes, she was a single mother. Apparently, back when same-sex marriage was illegal in all fifty states and no one had heard of civil unions, gay couples drove her to have a child out of wedlock. Or porn. Or something. She kind of makes it up as she goes along.
What I can't believe is that she's being let off the hook for taking tens of thousands of dollars from the Department of Health and Human Services to promote Bush's marriage initiatives, including with congressional testimony and published columns, without disclosing the payments.
In my opinion, Maggie is just another bully, in another sandbox, not letting anyone play with the Tonka trucks.
Oof, #4 is rough. Completely true, but… ouch.
I have got a suggestion for #10 1/2…
If the US allowed the total rights of gays in all 50 states, then Americans would be just a little more Canadian. And really…who wants that? ;)
My compliments to the author of the article. I have to vote #5 the best "reason".
Reason number 10: Admittedly, I didn't read past this because I was appalled by your lack of knowledge: FYI, two men can't make a baby and two women can't make a baby.
I thought everyone knew that, sheesh.
I read "Maggie Gallagher" as "Maggie Gyllenhaal" and was like, "WTF?!" lol
Number four made me sad :(
But Number 1 is so true! I laughed out loud. I'm so posting this to Facebook!
We must destroy religion!
@Michael vdB: I like it!
maybe another addition:
with gay marriage legal nationwide, polygamists in utah will be so jealous as to start rioting. Utah will be flaming!
As a lawyer, I appreciate Queerty thinking of me and my profession.
I'm against all marriage, gay or straight.
My top reason for not believing in gay marriage and not getting married to my partner of 12 years….havent we, as a people suffered enough already??? :)
I like abba haha
How about just getting the government out of the "marriage" business anyway? Civil unions for everybody, with same tax advantages and disadvantages. Get "married" in whatever church will do it – and there's lots of gay ones that will. Problem solved.
@Mark M.: Well, that's what civil marriage is. We just call it "marriage" instead of "civil union." A civil union that is federally recognized is indistinguishable from a marriage. That being said, I believe there have been studies indicating that, in practice, certain entities (i.e., hospitals, schools, government agencies) sometimes distinguish in practice and refuse to provide all the benefits and responsibilities of recognition to civil unions; that's more of an issue of enforement than anything else. And private entities and actors, unless barred from doing so by a statute or regulation, may treat them differently. But I mean, really, they are the same, legally.
But, anyway, the government doesn't recognize the religious dimensions of anyone's marriage, gay or straight.
I feel the word marriage belongs to religion…..I don't believe in it. I believe in civil unions for all….Gay and straight. My partner and I have been together for 30yrs…I want legal equality for property, taxes and Social Security etc…..If you want a god or spiritual being to bless your union no man or woman can do that for you. Come on……Jon
@Jon from Maine: Really, looking at it legally, I don't really see an issue as long as everything is actually equal at the federa and state level. It all seems academic to me, given that so many states have banned both civil unions and marriage for same-sex couples (MI, OH, FL, GA, VA, and TX, to name the largest ones). Not much thought is being given to how those constitutional amendments are going to be overturned.
another ugly woman hating men…gay or straight….big surprise….
another manhater using religion to disguise it…..
@NikHatter:
Not through intercourse, no, but surrogates and Intrauterine Insemination all produce REAL LIVE BABIES. And how could you ignore the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of kids in the world that want and need to be adopted. Don't act like the only way to ever have kids is to get it on and make new ones.
@Flex:
Maybe the hate preached by religions, but not religion. T
@Leah: Oh how shortsighted of me.
And you wonder why people have a hard time seeing your point of view. Perhaps you should explain why our beliefs are wrong instead of being condescending.
@Mark M.: There are good reasons why government has to be in the "marriage" business. Important questions need to be answered. Among them: Who should make medical decisions for the comatose patient? After someone dies, who gets the estate? the house? the children? There are hundreds of others. Some sort of registered nomination is required. Historically, that relationship is called "marriage". If it were called by any other name, all the same functions would be needed. The only difference would be that thousands of laws would have to be rewritten, in every state and country.
Although I respect your opinion, I strongly disagree with this article, words can't even describe how utterly offended I am.. You seem to live in this closed minded casple where you believe that gays are inhumane and do not deserve to have equal rights like everyone else on this planet. You have everything wrong. I have a friend who is bi and she isn't like anything you make them out to be.
WTF!!!! Are you serious? Marriage is the same thing no matter who it is between whether it is between a man and a woman, a woman and a woman, or a man and a man. It doesn't matter! We are all people and no matter who we marry we should all be treated the same by getting the same healthcare with our true love (Man or Woman) This article has it all wrong! The laws will not change because of one little thing being added to the Constitution. We all deserve to be treated equally. I have spent time with gays and lesbians and they are just as amazing as strait people are. There is nothing wrong with them! What on earth are you talking about with gay concentration camps? There is and there never will be such thing as a gay concentration camp. Why can't we all just treat each other with the same equality or at least with some respect. Our sexual orientation doesn't matter!!! The population is doing just fine with them here and if there is a law about them, nothing more will change. Be fair!
@Shelby and Katanna: I strongly agree with your opinion… We all deserve to be treated equally!
u forgot #11: because gays are inhumane and freak shows, and really…who wants that around?
@jenny:
That'll do, pig, that'll do.
Your reasons aren't justified at all. You're just stereotyping gays the whole time. And I'm extremely disappointed to hear this coming from a gay guy. Listening to Abba? Flower arranging? Do you think all gays are the same? Do it for the fag hags? Honestly? That's just sad. And legalizing it would not destroy jobs. It would more likely give people like wedding planners greater opportunities for work. And the family council doesn't just focus on issues like gay marriage. They would not lose their jobs because of this. They'd probably gain more jobs with the new law. And so do you think gays don't deserve to be legally united like everyone else? That's ridiculous. Next time, try to back yourself up with facts, not just by stating stuff like "gays love antiquing" and that they'll waste their money on disposable diapers. Is that a fact? Not at all. I don't even know what you were thinking when you wrote this, but it's pretty disappointing.
@Alexatc,
Do you not realize that this entire article was to poke fun at the individuals who are against gay marriage. He is basically stating that their reasons are ridiculous-and if they want to be completely stupid about why they oppose gay marriage, well here are some more ridiculous reasons.
"To make the fight a bit more interesting, we're throwing the bigots a bone." you should have read that sentence before going on your little tantrum!
This is stupid. I'm not gay, but I really don't fucking understand why it should be illegal to have gay marriage. It's fucking dumb as to HOW we can talk about gay people like they're…aliens. Not human. C'mon, people, what are we bringing this planet to? Aren't we broken enough? Don't you realize…that people are people…and we all gotta live with each other anyway? And don't be fucking responding to this like, "Well, they are gonna commit suicide or something anyway," because they are only committing suicide because of US. Because WE are driving them crazy, because they can't live without someone looking down on them. This is just like bringing back problems with women's rights and all that shit. Don't you see what is going on? I know that gay marriage isn't the only issue, but looking around the Internet and finding this…it's just sad. Guys. Really. It's all I got to say. And I don't care if it DOESN'T change the way you think, I care about if it does. So that should rule out a few nasty responses.
Open your eyes. Seriously. … Yep, I'm done xD
@Bop: Um…I hope you realize this was a sarcastic, joke article.