14 Reasons Same-Sex Engagements Are Better Than Straight Ones

We asked comedian Yuri Kagan, (top, right) former Castro bartender, to come up a list of the benefits of marriage freedom after getting engaged to his beau, Rich Sherman.

Yuri’s 10 reasons being gay and engaged rocks…

1. The Gifts

The second you announce you are engaged, everyone gives you their opinion along with free stuff. We have been engaged for a minute now. We got both an espresso machine and a milk frother. Everyone is even more generous because we have been denied for so long–even if the gifts are maybe not always be keepers.

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2. There is no pressure to get pregnant

Need I say more?

3. There are no rules

Stay as traditional as you want or think out of the box. Our role models for what same-sex marriage looks like are few and far between. For this reason we can do whatever we want at our weddings. If we want to have chiseled men in shorty-shorts serving body shots it’s totally okay. Have troupe of your favorite drag queens entertain with Liza’s finest or Judy’s best is completely acceptable.

4. You, too, can be a gold-digger

It’s not just for straights anymore! If you can’t find love at least get your bills paid.

5. Great excuse to turn down unwanted dates

When straight girls at gay bars come up to tell you that their lonely, frumpy gay buddy with no social skills thinks you’re cute (as they for some reason love to do), watch their puzzled faces as you say you’re engaged. They will either get way more excited than you about the prospect of a stranger getting married, or they will completely ignore what you just said and keep trying to fix you up.

6. Change the world

The more of us that marry and do “normal” people things, like raise kids and pay taxes, the more bigots get confronted with the fact that they actually have no choice but to love us.

7. Pay less tax

8. We own weddings anyway

Whenever someone trots out the stupid argument that same-sex marriage is redefining marriage you can easily point out the holes in this theory. First off, marriage has been getting redefined since its conception and now women have rights. Second, let this idiot know that Keystone Light is not really beer and that gay people have been planning everyone else’s wedding for millennia. We invented weddings really when it comes down to it–but now we get to plan our own in addition to everyone else’s.

9. Now that you’re engaged you can stop using the awkward word “partner” unless you are actually in business with your spouse.

10. You get to find out what your friends actually think of your spouse.

11. You will be entitled to spousal privilege, which means that if your spouse kills someone, you can’t be put on the stand.

12. Show the world that gay, straight, trans are all just people who want to be treated equally. Except in outfits because we want to look better–that’s just how we roll.

13. You can now lecture and judge your single friends about how you envy them or how they don’t understand because they have never been married.

14. You can now refer to your spouse as the old battle-axe, just like old male-straight comics of yesteryear.

Catch Yuri weekly at San Francisco’s Oasis for #Shittalk and his book, Vodka & Limelight, on Amazon