Editor's Note: Hello, readers! Those of you who read my interview with Jack Mackenroth may recall that I mentioned a recent conversation with an HIV positive friend. Said friend told me that he admires Mackenroth's bravery in telling the world he's HIV positive.
Though he's not personally ready to reveal his identity, my chum agreed to a taped conversation, which I've since transcribed, edited and posted after the jump. As a little context, my friend's moving from Los Angeles back to his parents' home.
Read the conversation, think about it and consider how you can avoid finding yourself in a similar situation, ie: use condoms and don't shoot drugs - or at least use a clean needle!
Also, I've included a few HIV/AIDS awareness commercials from all over the world. The one you see above comes to us from Estonia circa 1990 or so. It's queer.
Andrew Belonsky: Hi, friend! How are you?
Ryan C: Things are crazy right now.
AB: Packing up all your shit?
RC: Yup, shit packing.
AB: When are you going back home?
RC: Thursday.
AB: How are you feeling about moving home?
RC: Good. Okay. It should be fancy, at least: nicer than here, where I'm poor.
AB: Right. Being poor can really hinder people's experiences. Okay, let's go back to - what was it? - over a year ago: when you found out you were HIV positive. I know we've talked about it, but let's talk about it again. How are you feeling since then?
RC: I'm okay. I think what is interesting about the way it's handled in this country is that there's so much talk about getting tested and finding out and all these MTV commercials, but then there's nothing that talks about what happens after you've gotten tested. What about that huge percentage of people who are positive? That's what prevents people from getting tested: they don't want to know the bad outcome. We as a society aren't doing anything to help people who are positive. How are we - we're on this big witch hunt, kind of…
AB: After people find out they're positive, it becomes this -
RC: Stigmatized.
AB: Yeah, to a degree. It just seems like it's put into this box of privacy, you know? It's like you have to come out again.
RC: Yes, yes, definitely. Absolutely. But I think it's still kind of funny how there are all these commercials about getting tested, but that's such a small, tiny part of it. It sucks. Society thinks they're doing a good thing - preventing. It's all about preventing AIDS, but then the cases that already have it, what, we're just fucked? We're the bad batch?
AB: Is that how you feel?
RC: Kind of. I definitely feel forgotten or left behind a little bit. I don't think that I'll ever feel as good about myself as I did before - ever. I'll always feel that everyone else has a one up on me - a leg up.
AB: [Laughs] That's ridiculous. There are so many people who are worse off than you, don't you worry.
RC: I know, but if I were paired with a similar opponent I would always - I'll just never feel like I was before.
AB: In social context?
RC: I just never feel confident about myself.
AB: How can you change that?
RC: I don't know. I think being in the dating world right now makes it a lot worse. I think everybody's self-esteem is off when they're in the dating world, but it's worse for me. You know me, Andrew - I'm an okay looking guy -
AB: You're very handsome!
RC: I don't necessarily have it as bad as some other people who are HIV positive. I'm hoping that I'm going to find a guy who's going to look past my HIV and into my looks! [Laughs]. To look past the HIV and not have much else there - I feel like that's really tough.
AB: You're too much!
RC: I think I've learned that I attribute more of my problems and issues to the HIV than necessary. I have some guys who haven't called me back and I haven't even told them. It's kind of nice to have that experience than have it be about the HIV. I feel better about that. It makes me feel good because it's like -
AB: "It's just me, not the HIV!"
RC: Exactly! It's just me.
Editor
Japhy Grant Editorial Director
David Hauslaib Publisher
Jossip Initiatives
This is the hard part, the getting used to living with HIV. It is not easy, but the operative word is living. You are not dying from HIV, you are living with it.
I was diagnosed in 1986, so it has been part of me for half of my life. I am still not comfortable with it, but it no longer haunts me. I take my meds religiously (the only thing I do "religiously") and take it day by day and week by week. I don't know if I'll be hit by a bus tomorrow or die in my bed at 90, taking HIV with me. I want to hold my head high and have fun every step of the way.
That is what I finally got used to. The "dying" part doesn't matter. It's the living that matters. I hope you find a way to live and thrive and make peace with not only HIV but every part of you.
I found out in 2002 that I was positive also and I understand many of Ryan's comments. Big difference is I work for a company that has decent insurance for all employees and I take my meds every day. I just keep reminding myself that many people take daily medicines for a variety of things and I am no different. My ex spent the last year (and possibly the last 2-3 years) we were together cheating on me, and I didn't find out until too late. Would I do it all again? Sure, I loved him competely and I know that at one point he felt the same for me. I think I would lose so much of what makes me a good person now if I hadn't gone through this entire experience with him.
I am in no position to tell my mom, though; it would devestate her, especially since she lives in a small town in KY and the fact that my dad just passed away a couple of years ago from an aneurism that went to his heart and shut everything down in minutes and my younger sister was just diagnosed with Grave's disease. She also has no real way to educate herself about HIV/AIDS and only knows what she sees on TV or hears at church.
I agree that it is very hard being single and positive. I live in Phoenix and it is still a struggle in who do I tell and when do I tell them and how. There is no manual on the HIV positive life and because everyone's life and story is so different, there probably can never be one that addresses all the issues we face on a daily basis.
Good luck Ryan, and be glad that you have a safe and caring home to go to in your time of need. Many of us do not have that.
I certainly don't know much about being infected and how to deal with it. It was scary to hear the many concerns Ryan shared in this interview. I want to mention how important it is to have a good support network. I was glad when I asked my primary care physician to be tested he said that if it were to come back positive, he would be there to deal with it from the medical side. At least I felt that I would get the attention needed in such a situation.
When reading the interview, I was also reminded that each one of us has needs. I mean emotional needs that are as important as the needs of others. In some sense, being selfish is as crucial as thinking about others. I wish you all the best in figuring out what it is that you need.
The health insurance thing is an issue that is unacceptable for such a developed society in which we live. As I have grown older, having decent coverage has become more and more important when starting a new job.
Good luck with your move and your future.
While I can't pretend to know anything about being HIV positive, things are very different than they were 15-20 years ago. That said, this interview clearly brought up a few points illustrating how we, as a society, need to move forward on HIV/AIDS issues until we not only properly deal with prevention, but also with caring for people who have it. No one should feel as though they're alone or tainted because of HIV - and we shouldn't put obstacles, such as HMOs, in the way of getting necessary care.
I hope we'll find a cure for it soon. Not only will it save lives, but it will save people the anguish they so often seem to go through when they get it.