It’s gay Super Bowl time again this weekend, as the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences serves up that annual pageant to Hollywood’s self-absorbed narcissism, the Oscars. From Joan Rivers dishing on the dresses to weeping actors thanking Jesus, there is only one proper response to the Oscars—and that’s to drink. To help you achieve the proper state of lubrication necessary to fully appreciate Oscar and his Ken-doll golden bulge, we here at Queerty Oscar Headquarters have devised a gay-themed drinking game to pass away the interminable hours.
Since we’re encouraging you to get sloshed, we ask that you do so responsibly—give your car keys to a friend, make up some Oscartinis (or if you’re inviting us, a nice Sazerac), sit back and get ready to be entertained by host Hugh Jackman and his Huge Ackman. You think that joke is bad? Just wait ’til the show!
Whenever somebody mentions the length of the telecast, take one drink.
Pass your drink to someone else every time someone mentions Jesus.
Every time a winner tests the weight of their Oscar or stares at it lovingly, take a drink.
Every time a presenter awkwardly interacts with an animated character, take a drink.
Anytime a presenter mentions some sort of backstage shenanigans, take two drinks.
Take one drink anytime the word “gay” is mentioned.
Take two drinks anytime “gay” is mentioned outside the context of Milk.
Take one drink anytime Proposition 8 is mentioned in an award speech.
Take two drinks if it’s mentioned by someone not involved in Milk.
Every time the director cuts to a shot of a gay nominee sitting with his boyfriend/ lover/ trick, have one drink.
If the bf/lover/trick appears to be over 30, have two drinks.
If Hugh Jackman references how bad Australia was, take one drink.
If Hugh Jackman sings, take one drink.
If Hugh Jackman dances, take two drinks.
If Hugh Jackman takes off his shirt, take two drinks.
If Hugh Jackman kisses another man, take three drinks.
If Hugh Jackman impersonates Harvey Milk, take three drinks.
If Hugh Jackman “does something for his gay fans”, take two drinks.
If Hugh Jackman makes a gay joke at Jack Nicholson’s expense, take one drink.
For lushes: Whenever Hugh Jackman does something that only a gay man would do, take a sip.
If Hugh Jackman comes out, down the bottle.
If anyone besides Sean Penn wins for Best Actor, take one drink.
If Sean Penn beats up anybody, take one drink.
When someone makes a reference to Sean Penn’s politics, take one drink.
When Sean Penn references his politics, take two drinks, yell at screen.
If Sean Penn mentions Cuba or Castro during his acceptance speech, have a tequila shot.
If Sean Penn uses his Oscar speech to talk about gay rights, down the hatch and cheers!
If Heath Ledger does not win for Best Supporting Actor, take a drink.
If he wins, have a drink in his honor.
Whenever you see a shot of a Best Supporting Actor nominee looking bored, take a drink.
If any Best Supporting Actor nominee cries when Heath wins, take two drinks.
If it’s Robert Downey Jr. crying, speculate if he’s off the wagon and have another shot and wander around the nearest parking lot ranting like a crazy person.
If Kate Winslet is wearing something that doesn’t make it look like she stepped out of a Merchant & Ivory film, take one drink.
If Kate Winslet cries, take one drink.
If Kate Winslet cries so much she has trouble speaking, take drinks.
If Kate Winslet says something weird or embarrassing, don’t drink and instead start singing “My Heart Will Go On” loudly until her mouth stops moving.
If Angelina Jolie wears a color other than black, take a drink.
If Meryl Streep looks stoned, take one drink.
Whenever “beautiful people” are mentioned and the director cuts to Anne Hathaway, take a drink.
If you are over 30, take one drink for every dead person in the Memorial Death Parade Montage yo do not know.
If you are under 30, find someone who is over 30 and keep asking them who the dead people are, even if you know. They’ll appreciate it, we promise.
Anytime Milk wins in any category, take a drink.
If someone thanks their same-sex partner, take a drink.
If Milk wins for Best Picture, take two drinks.
If the Slumdog Millionaire acceptance speech makes a mention of Milk, take a drink.
The best part about this game is that you can join along. Please share your own house rules in the comments.