GOOD PARENTING

5 Reasons Lesbian Moms Raise Better Kids Than Straights

Maybe you’ve heard about the study that says that lezmos (that’s lesbian moms, in case you forgot) raise much more well-adjusted kids than the hyperactive deviants of straight couples? We’re all for pro-gay parental studies, especially since that we hear that “every child deserves a mother and a father” crap whenever some bigot wants to shaft gay families. But in all the celebrating, few have asked why the lezmos in this study ended up with such well-adjusted kids. It could be because the lezmos in question averaged around age 35. Or because of that shadowy “homosexual agenda”! We did some digging and found five possible explanations why Heather is better off with two mommies than with Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

The lezmo study was funded by The Homosexual Agenda!!!

Wendy Wright, the most concerned woman of the group Concerned Women for America, pointed out that the lezmo study was funded by LGBT groups like the Gill Foundation and the Lesbian Health Fund from the Gay Lesbian Medical Association. According to Wright, “That proves the prejudice and bias of the study. This study was clearly designed to come out with one outcome—to attempt to sway people that children are not detrimentally affected in a homosexual household.”

Of course she’d say that. Thankfully the study’s author Dr. Nanette Gartrell quickly stepped up to say that the “funding sources played no role in the design or conduct of the study.”

“My personal investment is in doing reputable research,” said Gartrell. “This is a straightforward statistical analysis. It will stand and it has withstood very rigorous peer review by the people who make the decision whether or not to publish it.”

The study was featured in the journal Pediatrics, the 62-year-old publication of the American Academy of Pediatrics, which is the most-cited journal in the field. But fuck it, Pediatrics is probably just some liberal front for fag lovers. In fact, Dan Savage is completely willing to throw out the lezmo study on one condition:

I’m happy to scrap the results of this study—this peer-reviewed, 25-year-study—on the condition that the haters stop citing the results of discredited, non-peer-reviewed studies funded by anti-gay advocacy groups, studies that are “designed to come out with” anti-gay outcomes, studies conducted by disgraced and discredited “scientists” like Dr. George Rekers.

Amen.

The lezmos were older, more mature women

The average age of the lesbian mothers in the study averaged around 35. To give you some perspective, Britney Spears was 24 when she popped out her first gremlin and my mom was 17 when she popped out my sister. I can’t speak for Britney, but my mom’s pregnancy was definitely an accident and my sister’s upbringing was, um… rocky, to put it mildly.

So one could expect that two grown woman who had taken the time to plan an insemination and sort out legal details might possibly be more prepared when it comes to—oh I dunno—almost every other aspect of raising healthy and intelligent children. I mean they’re more prepared to tackle the easy stuff like feeding, changing, reading bedtime stories, cheering at soccer games, etc.

Dating, menses, and Twilight-fever… nobody can plan for that.

Lezmos have to prepare their kids for lezzie-hating bigots

Time lays it down:

Because their children are more likely to experience discrimination and stigmatization as a result of their family circumstances, these mothers can be more likely to broach complicated topics, such as sexuality and diversity and tolerance, with their children early on. Having such a foundation may help to give these children more confidence and maturity in dealing with social differences and prejudices as they get older.

Similarly, a nurse friend of mine recently informed me that babies born by cesarian section tend to have more developmental problems than babies born vaginally. Some pediatric researchers think it’s because the brain has to deal with a lot more pain, physical sensation, and trauma in a vaginal birth. Having to deal with insane shit makes you a stronger person—anyone who thinks they’ll just pop out a complete person at the end of childhood is severely mistaken.

The lezmos were mostly from the Northeast and West Coast

Lezmos is the study disproportionately came from the New England and the West Coast, dudes. Comparatively, the straight couples and their kids came from the South and Midwest and we know there’s nothing there but livestock and fake manners.

It could be that the kids seem more adjusted because the coasts provide a more diverse cosmopolitan upbringing than the landlocked southern and midwestern regions have to offer. Given the choice, I would have rather been raised in New York or LA too. I probably would have ended up a whole hell of a lot less uptight.

Artificially inseminated lezmos probably have more money and education than regular straights

The economic breakdown of the parent groups showed a larger number of “working class” types on the lezmo side, but the costs of insemination suggest that the lezmos also had higher paying jobs and possibly higher degrees of education. Women who get collegiate and university degrees and high paying careers tend to be older, more stable, and overall better equipped to handle a baby.

Of course, it’s ridonkulous how many loopholes gay couples still have to jump through just to become parents when straight couples can pop out kids, divorce, remarry, and respawn as often as they like. But the more of these studies we have under our belts, the better equipped we will be not only to fight the opponents of gay adoption, but to learn how to be better LGBT parents ourselves.

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