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5 Reasons Why Christopher Columbus Was Gay

It’s Columbus Day, which is sort of the Bizarro version of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, when we honor a man who worked to liberate a minority. It’s also just a day before National Coming Out Day—the Bizarro version of Christmas, which is when we pretend a jolly bear who likes toys is actually married to a woman.

Which got us thinking: Was Christopher Columbus a maricón?

Last year, CultureMap Houston’s Jennifer Patterson wondered the same thing. She came up with five good reasons why Columbus preferred seamen to the ladies. Here’s a condensed version:

1. His name was Christopher Columbus. Not Chris but Christopher. As David Rakoff says, “Of course it’s not ‘Adam and Steve.’ It’s Adam and Stephen. No gay man in his right mind would go by ‘Steve.’ ”

2. He always wore that frilly little hat. Gay men are great at accessorizing.

3. He has a statue in South Montrose. Everyone knows that’s gay-town.

4. He hung out with Queen Isabella a lot. Queens love queens.

5. His marriage was pure politics. He married Filipa Moniz Perestrelo, the daughter of the Porto Santo governor and Portuguese nobleman of Genoese origin Bartolomeu Perestrelo. Some records report that Filipa died in 1485. Others speculate that Columbus may have simply left his first wife… because he was gay.

Hmm, Saturday was Yom Kippur. Was Columbus Jewish?

By:           Dan Avery
On:           Oct 10, 2011
Tagged: , ,

  • 32 Comments
    • Red Meat
      Red Meat

      6. He destroyed a civilization.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 6:50 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • steve
      steve

      What a useless post

      If he was, it’s not as if any of us are gonna score a date…

      Oct 10, 2011 at 7:08 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lefty
      Lefty

      he was HOT.
      i definitely would

      Oct 10, 2011 at 7:10 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • trevor bartlet
      trevor bartlet

      @Red Meat: 1. It wasn’t “destroyed”. 2. It wasn’t a “civilization”.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 7:31 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • dodgy
      dodgy

      Whiist there may very well have been civilisation on the american continent pre-columbus, he did not destroy it. He never made landfall at the mainland, only on caribean islands. Where he wiped out the indigenous population…probably.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 7:47 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kev C
      Kev C

      @trevor bartlet: Cities larger than Europe.

      When we saw so many cities and villages built in the water and other great towns on dry land we were amazed and said that it was like the enchantments (…) on account of the great towers and cues and buildings rising from the water, and all built of masonry. And some of our soldiers even asked whether the things that we saw were not a dream? (…) I do not know how to describe it, seeing things as we did that had never been heard of or seen before, not even dreamed about. ”

      —Bernal Díaz del Castillo, The Conquest of New Spain

      Oct 10, 2011 at 7:53 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • nel
      nel

      no, you IDIOT! that fker raped indians, and slaves. he was a murderer and rapist. he surerl was not gay. i should know about him beacuse i came from the dominican republic and his stories about him is not very positive.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 7:57 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • suzygoo
      suzygoo

      @trevor bartlet-Your right about not “destroyed”-some Indigenous tribes survived so technically not all were destroyed. Of course we all know that tribes were not civilized-only white christian europeans are civilized-the rest are savages.
      He also started the first transatlantic slave trade by capturing and shipping Taino Indians back to Spain to Queen Isabella because he could not find gold and sent the next most valuable “items”-slaves. As for the gays, he was the ultimate in having “homophobia”-taking 2-Spirited (gays and lesbians) indigenous people and dropping them into a pit filled with hungry dogs who then proceeded to tear them from limb to limb.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 8:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ted B. (Charging Rhino)
      Ted B. (Charging Rhino)

      Actually, there is the theory that Columbus was from a Jewish or lapsed-Jewish Genoan family….though that Columbus himself was a devout Christian.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 9:32 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • fredo777
      fredo777

      We don’t want him. The straights can keep this one.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 10:08 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mark
      Mark

      @trevor bartlet: You don’t think the Aztec Empire was a civilization? While Columbus persoanlly never went there, he opened the door for the destruction of several civilizations. Aztec, Incan, Puebloan, to name a few. What a racist comment.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 11:23 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • the crustybastard
      the crustybastard

      @suzygoo: [Columbus] also started the first transatlantic slave trade by capturing and shipping Taino Indians back to Spain to Queen Isabella because he could not find gold…

      You’re substantially misstating a certain fact. Columbus didn’t enslave at Isabella’s behest. In fact, his abuse of the locals did not please the Queen, who regarded them as Spanish subjects. She sent investigators and had Columbus arrested for abusing his office. He was removed to Spain in chains and officially stripped of his power.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 12:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Nic Rudd
      Nic Rudd

      Wow. Perpetuation of stereotypes much?

      Oct 10, 2011 at 1:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • just a thought
      just a thought

      @trevor

      fuck you.

      my community doesn’t need your validation.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 1:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • JayH
      JayH

      Queerty: Aren’t there REAL issues to cover?

      Oct 10, 2011 at 1:49 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TampaZeke
      TampaZeke

      His name wasn’t Christopher Columbus; it was Cristobol Colon.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 2:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TampaZeke
      TampaZeke

      No his name wasn’t Christopher Columbus; it was Cristobal Colon.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 2:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Conrad
      Conrad

      Y’all, obviously a camp article, which is one of the reasons I read queerty — for a good ironic chuckle.

      But also, I’m going to agree with the folks above me — I certainly would never ever in a million years want to claim Christopher Columbus. But we do have our fair share of evil gays. It’s something to think about.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • WitchDoctor
      WitchDoctor

      @Conrad: That would be a good article, ‘The Evil Gays’. You know like our top evil gays preferably real, but also fictitious like Hannibal Lecter. Yep, I claim him.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 2:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • WitchDoctor
      WitchDoctor

      Lecter that is

      Oct 10, 2011 at 2:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CBRad
      CBRad

      @WitchDoctor: Hipparchus of Athens, Nero, Elizabeth of Bathory, Leopold & Loeb, Charles Manson (bi), Rev. Jim Jones, Marshall Applewhite….we’ve had some real doozies.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 3:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • christopher di spirito
      christopher di spirito

      On August 3, 1492, Columbus’ three ships set sail from Spain.

      However, did you know that on August 2, 1492, Tisha B’Av, the Fast of the 9th of Av, and the date by which all Jews were required to convert to Catholicism or leave Spain, as proclaimed by King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella?

      The strange coincidence of dates has resulted in much speculation regarding Columbus’ possible Jewish origins (of which there has been no substantial proof). Others have suggested that Columbus’ crew included Jews trying to escape the wicked decrees. This seems unlikely given that the one known Jewish member of Columbus’ crew, Luis de Torres, had undergone conversion in order to join the Spanish exploration party.

      Columbus chose Luis de Torres as his interpreter because of his knowledge of Hebrew, Aramaic, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Latin and some Arabic. It seems that the great explorer expected to encounter descendants of the Ten Lost Tribes in Asia.

      When they arrived at what is now Cuba, the first inhabited island they found, Columbus sent Luis de Torres and Rodrigo de Jerez to explore the island. Thus a Jewish man was one of the first to interact with the native residents of the New World.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 3:33 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BTM4JZS
      BTM4JZS

      I dunno, looks like a serious case of “gay-face” to me. And what’s with that cocked eyebrow–?

      Oct 10, 2011 at 4:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • doublestandard
      doublestandard

      He fucked sheep…. Syphilis anyone??????…and yes he really did

      Oct 10, 2011 at 7:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jennifer Patterson
      Jennifer Patterson

      @Conrad: I’m the author of the original article and, yes, I intended the article to be taken as a joke! Apparently a lot of people didn’t interpret it that way? Oh the lols that followed.

      My favorite comment on my original article:

      So what’s your point? So he was gay … that didn’t stop him from discovering the New World now did it? Gay people are just as capable of GREATness … maybe even more capable … JMO.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 9:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • rick
      rick

      So we can blame the destruction of the indigenous Americans on Jews?

      So glad for the clarification.

      Oct 10, 2011 at 10:09 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jack
      Jack

      @trevor bartlet:

      Racist much?

      Have you read anything about the atrocities Columbus ordered committed to quench his lust for gold? Columbus was a butcher. To celebrate this fiend is offensive:

      “Columbus was so impressed with the hard work of these gentle islanders, that he immediately seized their land for Spain and enslaved them to work in his brutal gold mines. Within only two years, 125,000 (half of the population) of the original natives on the island were dead.

      If I were a Native American, I would mark October 12, 1492, as a black day on my calendar.

      Shockingly, Columbus supervised the selling of native girls into sexual slavery. Young girls of the ages 9 to 10 were the most desired by his men. In 1500, Columbus casually wrote about it in his log. He said: “A hundred castellanoes are as easily obtained for a woman as for a farm, and it is very general and there are plenty of dealers who go about looking for girls; those from nine to ten are now in demand.”

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eric-kasum/columbus-day-a-bad-idea_b_742708.html

      Oct 10, 2011 at 10:42 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • shannon
      shannon

      RIGHT!!!!! I love how they always try to “white wash” european HIS-story! if you research it…he raped children…killed children…beheaded people…burned them alive….WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO BE NICE AND SAVE THEIR ASSES FROM STARVING TO DEATH!!!!!

      Oct 11, 2011 at 1:45 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • SuperCat
      SuperCat

      ….effin Queerty….

      Oct 11, 2011 at 3:00 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chad
      Chad

      What a useless blog entry.

      Does Queerty try to claim that every single historical male figure, is somehow a “gay man”?

      Oct 11, 2011 at 3:12 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Parevenu
      Parevenu

      Was this suppose to be funny?

      Oct 11, 2011 at 12:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lefty
      Lefty

      @Parevenu: yah i fink that was kind of obvious from teh artical

      Oct 11, 2011 at 12:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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