800% MANLY

5 Ways China’s ‘No-Sissies’ Elementary School Could Awesomize The World!!!1!

Finally, a Chinese elementary school has gotten tired of boys who skip rope and cry when yelled at and have started a program that will encourage the little sissies to act like real men. Now hairless young boys with the bodies of Michael Jackson will enjoy manly treasures like fighting and vomit instead of womanly crap like “feelings” and art. Of course, a bunch of queers are crying over how much it’ll mess up those little dudes, but all those queers are FAGZ!!! On the contrary, if China plays their knives right (because cards are a woman’s game), there are at least five ways this new generation of mega-manly Chinese stallions could lead their country into the world-stomping global superpower they totally deserve to be. Are you prepared for the Dude World Order? No, no you are not.

Note: Sarcasm ahead! If you don’t understand the concept, we recommend visiting another URL.

Fewer women (and the remaining ones will be subservient as fuck)!

Everyone knows that Chinese parents prefer boys to girls. Boys continue the family name while girls just bind their toes off and make tea. And now that boys are gonna honor their families by learning how to annihilate animals, bust boardroom balls, and conquer countries, girls will go from undesirable to ultra-undesirable.

Though if parents start raising fewer girls, at some point there will be a lot more men than women. So to snag the best stallion in the stables, a woman will have to be the most traditionally feminine women in all of China: size 3 feet, insane tea-making abilities, mad crazy fan-flirting skillz, a fertile womb that only shoots out man-babies, and absolutely no sass mouth or vile diseases.

China’s new fist-based economy will put the world market in its ultra-manly grip.

Right now the Chinese economy is the third largest in the world, but only because it’s based on the Chinese yuan instead of on the Chinese FIST! If every businessman stopped acting like a businesswoman they wouldn’t depend on namby-pamby diplomacy to settle disputes over international inflation, labor shortages, and export costs. They’d just use a FIST and DONE!

Wanna re-negotiate your sweatshop contract? FIST!

Wanna raise import tarriffs? DOUBLE FIST!

Can’t pay for our lead-painted poison cat food? FIST! FIST! FIST!

Of course, some fists would be more valuable than others, just like real currency. A regular FIST would be like an ass-kicking penny, but a DRAGON PUNCH would be like a super-nickel. You don’t even wanna know how much a BUDDHA UPPERCUT is worth. Your ass couldn’t afford it.

A new season of Chinese Gladiators will grab America TV viewers by the throat!

Everyone loves the movie Battle Royale and even though those school children were Japanese, what better model for Qinlinglu Elementary’s field day? Whichever little bastards survive can grow up and participate in Chinese Gladiators, Beijing’s premiere game show!

Now instead of going on stab rampages at elementary schools, grown men can channel their aggression in a televised kill-o-ramas where contestants fight for prizes (and their lives) using an array of traditional Chinese weaponry. It’ll be just like The Running Man, only hurtier.

Then China can turn around and sell the game show to Spike TV—it will absolutely slay in America.

Fewer corporate suicides over dumb things like lost iPhones.

Yeah, honor’s important, but who commits suicide over a lost iPhone prototype? Killing yourself is the woman’s way out. Real men horribly mutilate themselves with serrated knives and pour acid on their own faces and then return to work the next day and act like nothing ever happened.

In fact, real men maim themselves in private and upon returning to work become insaniac productioneers that make money like its sperm. And if anyone asks why their eyeball is hanging out of its socket, they just punch that homo into the nearest machine and laugh while it dismembers them.

Then they down a tiger penis cocktail and screw eight concubines while shredding a Chinese lute on a flaming stage suspended from an iron dragon—BADASS!!!

Badder-ass Chinese poetry will stir fry Hollywood Szechuan-style.

Some ancient Chinese guys wrote poems about softcore lesbian relationships from a teenage female point of view. And if that wasn’t bad enough, a lot of them also wrote flowery “I love nature” crap like this:

Across the world this June, the petals all have fallen,
But the mountain temple’s peach blossom has just begun to bloom.

You may feel moved by the subtleness and delicacy of this ancient poet’s verse, but that’s because you totally have a ‘gina (like Walt Whitman). Nah dude, if you have to write dumb poems at all, wouldn’t it be better if every one was like a cross between an Arnold Schwarzenegger and Judd Apatow film? Like how about this:

Dude, do you know why you are gay?
Because you won’t blow up that police van with a grenade launcher.

See? Isn’t that like a bajillion times more ridicu-freakin-awesome? And then you can adapt each of those eye-raping poems into a mega-million dollar mind-blowing blockbusters! Double score!

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