It’s hard out there for: pimps, homosexuals. So we understand why many gay men lie about certain things — to their friends, their parents, prospective one-night stands. But over the years, we’ve noticed gay men keep lying about the same things. Some of these fibs are the same ones you might hear a straight man say. Others are specific to The Homosexual Male species. Not so surprisingly, many of them have to do with getting naked.
Whether they’re willing to bottom.
“Strict top” is the biggest lie we’ve ever heard. Gay men are built to enjoy a little prostate massaging, no matter how masculine they are, brah. Refusing to bottom, or claiming that you never have, doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy spreading it. It just means you have an Adonis complex and you need to get over that shit right now.
Whether they like Madonna.
The Material Girl’s biggest fans might play down their obsession when in mixed company, whether because screaming your admiration for an aging pop star just seems sad, or because being Madonna’s biggest fan is the biggest gay cliche. Interesting, however, that even some gays who don’t like Madonna find themselves lying in this situation. The homos who really can’t stand her — or at least nothing since Blonde Ambition — sometimes fake it just to fit in, particularly if the whole gang is going to see her perform and they don’t want to be left out of an excuse to drink in public in a stadium full of possible hook ups.
Whether they hook up on the first date.
They do. Everyone does, or has. And every gay man is willing to hook up on the first date, if the situation is right. For some, there must be enough serious chemistry — both physical and emotional — to invite a first date upstairs for … a cup of coffee. But the worst breed of I Do Not Hook Up-ers are the ones who deliver this line with a straight face, every single Saturday night, at the same tired dance club, and without fail bring someone home each time. Declaring you don’t hook up on the first date is an admission you do exactly that.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Whether they’ve ever cruised the net (or Grindr) for sex.
Similar to the above. For whatever reason, there is still a stigma attached to meeting men via technological advancements. Which is why two dudes who’ve been together for five years might be just as unwilling to admit they met on MySpace (remember that?) as two guys who just finished a major “body contact + j/o” session. Because going online to shop for men either screams “desperate” or “trolling for sex,” of which we are, uh, certain you are neither.
Their waist size.
Outside the bear camp, thin is in. You know that Seinfeld episode where Jerry is accused of crossing out “32” and writing “31” on his jeans tag? We’ve witnessed that in real life. Because, of course, the guy you’re going to bed with is going to inspect the inside of your pant as he disrobes you. And so men, whether posting an online profile or consulting a nutritionist, will lie about how much they’re packing around the middle. It’s mostly an innocent lie, but c’mon, own your gut.
Their penis size.
Self-explanatory, but we’ll add this: Even excruciatingly well-endowed men will lie about their length and girth. But they will lie downwards, because they’ve scared off one too many mates with a reputation of having an enormous member. So they’ll say it’s “average.” For donkeys.
MitchNYC
Why oh why do people feel it’s appropriate to mock people who enjoy being total bottoms or total tops?
Must everyone be versatile?
Forever35
You forgot “Age”. Often times 29 equates to 35; 39 —> 46;
49 —> 58; etc.
DG
@MitchNYC: Agreed. I love that variation exists…. but topping just doesn’t do it for me.
EdWoody
@MitchNYC: Indeed. There really are people in the world who have tried it both ways and simply decided based on the evidence which they prefer. It’s just that it seems like 90% of them decide they wanted to be bottoms.
CMFT
age is the biggest one!
fredo777
I’m a pretty open fan of Madonna, but then I don’t hide my appreciation for any kinds of music, even the fluffy stuff. I play what I like.
Brian En Guarde
I love Queety’s smutty take.
Solis
… and if you you could pass as Mick Jagger’s older brother, please don’t try to convince me that you’re in a fraternity at UCLA!
REBELComx
I definitely know the “I do not hook up” line. This is usually a case of “the lady doth protest too much, me thinks.”
The same is with that popular internet dating tag line: No drama.
Bullshit. It’s been my ample experience that the people claiming they have no drama actually have the most. These are usually the people who simply refuse to deal with issues (often created by their own actions) and just scream and yell to try avoid the confrontational situation all together.
sal(the original)
i like madonna and again WHERE ARE THE TOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????
The Artist
I HATE Madonna!She’s no JANET!
Alexandre
I’ve only bottomed once in my life, which was because my dick was too big for him. I’m not against bottoming, I just really get into it, and the guys I hook up with never complain.
I am sick of this “thin is in” bullshit. I am 6ft3inches and have a 36 inch waist and I am happy with myself, and the last thing I want is some skinny twink.
Solis
@The Artist: Damn! Someone had a large bowl of bitchflakes for breakfast.
Qjersey
@MitchNYC:
Because by restricting oneself to a role, e.g., bottom, really does in a way justify the stereotypical question “Who’s the man and who’s the woman?” They aren’t asking who does the dishes, they want to know who is the pitcher and who is the catcher.
Versatility isn’t 50/50 (kinda like bisexuality, but let’s not go there). I prefer one, but am open to the other with the right connection.
Someone published a study years ago that reported men who identify as tops…score higher in internalized homophobia compared to men who identify as vers or bottom. Hmmmm
Lynn David
I only bottom on calendar days divisible by 2… or 3…. or maybe 5.
NAP79
@ Forever35 & CMFT
– Exactly! How many men on Manhunt are “39”? And they still think that shit is fooling anyone! Unless of course, its code for the 40+ crowd that I don’t know about.
@ Alexandre
– Don’t go changing dude, I’ll tumble for ya. I am 6’2″/200 lbs/14% body fat. Tall, big guys are hottest. Skinny is just something short girls invented to compensate. In the legendary words of Jerry Blank “I’m hungry for a meal, not just a snack!”
Crasher
I completely disagree with the one about bottoming. I cannot bottom. I’ve tried but I just can’t do it. It hurts too much. There’s no pride or Adonis complex involved here. In fact, it’s a problem. My boyfriend is also a top who cannot bottom which makes sex very complicated. I wish one of us could pull it off…
GuyDads
My gay lie? I tell my friends that I would not be caught dead surfing Queerty. I much prefer Towleroad. I tell them it is much classier than the slutty Queerty site. Ha, ha, ha.
Sam
@Crasher: I’m right there with you. I WISH I could bottom. I get off sometimes just fantasizing about being f’ed. The idea of it totally turns me on. But actually doing it just hurts too much.
After spending the first half of my twenties trying to bottom and enjoy it, I gave up. I try again every year or two, just in hopes the sitch has changed, but otherwise I’m a strict top who wishes he could bottom.
shle896
I’m not afraid to profess my love of Madonna.
Each one of her albums are little gems of brilliance. Personally, I like her newer albums (Music, American Life, Confessions On A Dance Floor & Hard Candy) better than her older ones.
She gets better and more creative with every album and concert tour. There’ll never be another Madonna. From her music to the “Sex” book, she is a true original.
All the other wannabes (Britney, Lady Gaga)are just posers. It will be interesting to see where those two are 30 years into their careers. What Madonna has accomplished is unprecedented.
Madonna RULES!
MT
I’m strictly a top and that’s because I can honestly say i gave bottoming a chance (so many people look like they have such a good time with it) but I absolutely hated it every time. I guess I must have something wrong with me since it’s uncomfortable for me to have someone stick something up my ass. Either that or I’m trying to fool myself according to you. The blanket statements you make are so full of s**t.
Joseph
@Crasher: Try harder! http://www.amazon.ca/Joy-Gay-Sex-Charles-Silverstein/dp/0060012749
San Francisco Treat
We lie about these things?
1 – Not guilty, I never do it
2 – Not guilty, I don’t lie about it – she’s fabulous
3 – Not guilty, I don’t do it
4 – Not guilty, I’ve cruised for dates though
5 – Not guilty, why lie about the demostrable?
6 – Not guilty, see #5.
This piece fails miserably.
Freeman
Thank you Queerty for reminding all gays that thin is in. As if we needed another reminder.
Yuki
Good job at major stereotyping, Queerty.
TomEM
@Forever35: Good point Forever42 😉
ewe
Guilty as charged!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ewe
@Crasher: you need to conciously relax. You must not be nervous about pain and then it is enjoyable. Having said that, there is nothing wrong with not liking it but since you got the partner built into your life i suggest you both “loosen up”
ewe
Whose that in the blue dress? She looks like hell. I really don’t like Madonnas music or style and never have. I think she is like lady googoo gaga and stole all those costumes and leather accessories right out of our community. Not new, not avante garde, never was and still isn’t. Although in conversation i always say i admire her ambition and how saavy a business person she obviously is. For that, she is a Diva.
scott ny'er
@fredo777: agreed. me too!
Jerry
Everyone has their own preferences, but stop trying to act like fat is good. Fat is unhealthy and shows that you don’t care about your own well being…. and that is a major turn-off to me. Similarly, being sickly skinny says the same thing. To top it all off, those people who say they are “average” need to see a doctor because they are fat as hell and just can’t realize it because this country is so fat.
thomesings
@Yuki: Good job at major stereotyping, Queerty
Isn’t that the point of Queerty? Fun stereotypes? [..and the daily underwear models?]
But I agree, these don’t generally apply to me. I’d be willing to bottom, as soon as I find a vers lover. My sister asked me what’s the gayest thing I’ve done lately; I told her I downloaded a Madonna album [for the first time]. Lying about wanting sex is pretty stupid, especially for guys; we all want sex, pretty much constantly (amirite?). And the technologically challenged would be all over grindr if they had iPhones. As for waist/penis sizes, lying seems kind of retarded, b/c I intend to bed anyone I go out with. I don’t want to scare them off at the most improper moment. I do get annoyed searching manhunt/etc, and there’s no one else willing to tell the truth about their jock; how can I be the only guy who is average sized?
alan brickman
they also say that every straight guy is a “closet case” no wonder equal rights are taking so long…
alan brickman
everybody who works out is shallow…..but being fat means you are deep and intellectual?…
Jason
This is fucking stupid.
jason
Alan Brickman,
I suppose what I’m saying is that sometimes we in the gay community put a form of political pressure on people to identify as gay. We put pressure on them to partake of this “identity politics” business. Some young people can’t cope with this political pressure.
alan brickman
Just remember tat Madonna was doing more for Aids than the govt in the 80’s…respect her for that….
alan brickman
maybe straight guys can be insecure just like gays…
damon459
I hate Madonna and I’m not lying about it her music has gone so far down hill you might as well try getting me to listen to Britney or lady gaga. I’m reminded of a song I once herd by Romanovsky and Phillips called “what kind of self respecting faggot am I”
Just because we don’t all fit every stereotype this website needs to perpetuate doesn’t makes of liers or any less gay get over yourselves Queerty.
MMG
I’ve never cruised the net for sex, and I haven’t hooked up on a first date for the better part of a decade despite being single the entire time. I’m crazy skinny, but not boney so I’ve never felt the need to lie about my waist size either. I could see the general validity of this article but to state these things as absolute truths seems seems a bit… absurd.
Chitown Kev
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
1) Of course. And while a partner bottoming as well is attractive but not required.
2)I loves me some Madge.
3) Of course I will hook up on the first date.
4)Not very often at all.
5)33″
6)Well, I don’t lie about it whatever it is.
Alexandre
@NAP79 Another thing I like about guys (be they bigger, or just guys that like bigger men) is that they are much more comfortable in their own skin, and because of that, much more friendly. Confidence is sexy, and that will always be in.
@Freeman, my thoughts exactly
Devon
I’ve never understood why so many guys feel compelled to lie about the size of their junk when looking for a hook-up. I mean by definition of hook-up they’ll be seeing the thing at some point. I can’t imagine the reaction would be positive if you promise someone a banana sundae when in reality you only have a plantain.
Miles
I am in agreement with @ Crasher and @ Sam…I wish I could enjoy being a bottom. All the guys I have topped all seem to be having a great time but when it’s my turn to bottom… I can’t take it! It is just WAY too painful and uncomfortable. I’ve tried and tried but it just doesn’t work. Sorry vers guys.
Scott
I get so annoyed when people insist being a top has something to do with some ridiculous obsession with being “the man.” 10-15 percent of men lack the necessary concentration of nerve endings around the prostate to make bottoming pleasurable. I believe I’m one of those unfortunate souls, and I’ve had otherwise fulfilling relationships end because we can’t get the sexual chemistry right.
But thanks for bringing it up.
ktbisl32
Why so many stereotypes? Really? I feel like this entire story is completely unnecessary.
No
As if all gays are the same.
Almost as sad as this shit: http://gawker.com/5458305/a-contract-for-the-gay-guystraight-girl-friendship
Tootie
While clearly these are not absolutes, the truth is that more guys do these things than will admit it because they think it’s better not to or they don’t like the image it projects – perhaps “too gay.” I also have a theory that some gay Republicans are Republicans because they think it may say they have money they need to protect and, since they are unlikely to be social conservatives, it would have to be on economic issues but that’s another story. Back to this post…
– I don’t like when people will call someone is a bottom like it’s an insult. I also find it interesting that most of the guys here who say they don’t bottom seem to be saying they “can’t” bottom because it’s too painful.
– For one-night stands or online hookups, some guys seem to have a smaller circle of friends who know they are a slut. For some, no one knows but they still are. And I guess some are truly are not.
– Waist and penis size are practical matters. Penis size is lied about by straight and gay men. Waist size less so in straight guys.
– Madonna – I guess some might think if they go gaga over Madonna, they may seem too fey.
kellyc01
Here’s some more:
1. Whether they take steroids or other shit to make their body that way.
2. Whether they have a boyfriend when they’re cruising online.
Lazycrockett
I never cared for madonna while growing up, she just never was my type of thing, but once I entered into the gay community my blah turned to loathing to almost down right hatred cause of the constant unrelenting praise of the damn woman. The years of torture I had to endure by those around me and their adoration was beyond annoying. Thankfully I’ve made it through the hell and smiled when the new twinks started calling her Vadge, Hagdonna, and tired.
My joy was short lived however as Lady Gaga appeared on the scene.
Thankfuly with age comes less of the desire to spend it at a club listening Mo’s screaming “disco stick” at the top of their lungs.
ewe
@alan brickman: all the gay people i know are very secure and stable.
ewe
@alan brickman: i would appreciate you elaborating on that please. examples? That is plural by the way.
Jericho
for me, well endowed guys are is a big plus! the bigger the better!hehehehe i dont love Madonna but i like most of her music. Beyonce is the best!hehehe
MissTransSylvaniaTV
Gay men are such liars. That’s why I’m now dating lesbians.
DR
@Jerry,
There is, whether you care to admit it or not, a difference between “fat” and “average”. I’m a guy with an average build. I will never be as scrawny as my 18 year-old self was. Not gonna happen. But I do my best to stay in shape.
This is what happens when men insist on a specific standard of beauty in the gay community. Whether it be the lack of the “perfect” (“idealized” would be a better word) body, tattoos, or anything else which makes us a unique individual, we’re told we’re not worthy.
I don’t think so.
StraightGrrrl
Wow I had no idea gays, especially gay males were apart of one monolithic group. Ugh leave the stereotypes about gays to insecure heterosexual men. Why promote these stereotypes HERE? The more time I lurk at queerty the more I realize that specific types of gay males seem to endlessly promote stereotypes that are used to bash them in the real world and the Media by insecure hetero men and occasionally hetero women, excluding myself of course.
I mean damn does it hurt to think outside the box?
However, the viewership here is fairly small, so this is not indicative of gay males as a whole.
Robert, NYC
Top or bottom, what does it matter? In my view, it takes a real man to do another man, either way. I wonder how our staight counterparts would deal with that? A lot of straight males who experiment with gay males like to bottom. I guess its a way to find out what their wives or girlfriends experience, or something close to that. If there were no bottoms, most gay or bisexual men’s sex lives would be pretty boring. I’m convinced that’s why so many straight men look outside their relationships with women and dabble on the down low with men. They can do things with men that they can’t do with women I suppose.
Alexandre
Instead of this awful, offensive, and injurious (is that word in English?) crap that is this entry. Queerty should write a post on “how to bottom”, because there are plenty of men (like me) who have a hard time doing it because it hurts too much. But maybe we’re just doing it wrong?
Actually….if anyone has any advice on this subject, and wants to help me out, shoot me an email, i’d greatly appreciate it!!
Alexandre
for anyone who wants to give me bottoming advice!
paris DOT alexandre AT live DOT fr
Looking forward to it!
Nicholas
Accually i never hooked up for sex and i dont lie about my pants size 😀 and i really do not listen to maddon 🙁
does this make me less gay
hardmannyc
Completely agree with this post. If you can’t bottom, you haven’t gotten high enough. And the part about the hooking up on the first date … so true. If two gay men don’t jump each other’s bones, the magic ain’t there, and it ain’t gonna happen on Date #2, cuz there ain’t gonna be no Date #2.
As for Madonna — yeah, the ones who claim to hate her are the first ones with their hands in the air screaming on the dance floor when they hear her.
MitchNYC
@Qjersey:
So let me understand this is a little better. In order to disprove straight people’s stereotypes of gay relationships – e.g. someone’s the man and someone’s the woman –everyone should be versatile. Why should people outside of the community define how we behave inside of the community?
I was versatile as the day was long when I embraced my gayhood and started sleeping with men. Over time I realized I enjoyed one FAR more than the other and I stuck to the one I preferred.
This movement to tar those who identify as top or bottom as less than “gay optimum” is insulting and mean-spirited. It never ceases to amaze me how the community separates itself into silos and then roasts all who don’t confirm. If you like being versatile, have at it. There’s no need to label those who don’t as ‘deformed.’
ACruzin
@hardmannyc:
sorry, man, but we are not all whores who put out. not that anyone is a whore for putting out on the first date, but to make the statement that there won’t be a 2nd date because there was no “magic” there (and by magic, you mean having sex) is ludicrous. you are the stereotypical man-whore. “Dating” doesn’t mean let’s have a coffee, then fuck. That’s called a hook-up.
ACruzin
to all the people discussing weight issues: i am not here to judge on anyone’s body types (God knows my body is nowhere near “perfect”), but all you overweight people who live a non-caring lifestyle (meaning you don’t eat healthy, exercise, etc.) need to stop with the “big is beautiful” and all that other crap. the difference (as someone said above) is between being healthy and unhealthy. 64% of adults in america are overweight or obese, and 26% are obese…where’s the pride in any of that if you are only contributing to it?
scott ny'er
@Alexandre: you need an experienced top. Someone who knows how to take it slow. And lots of lube. And maybe start with an avg sized penis.
Alexandre
@ACruzin: The difference is though, is that I am not obese. I am 6ft 3 and I weigh 215lbs. I am bigger, but I am healthy. But the gay community is obsessed with these impossible ideals of beauty.
SFHandyman
Boys who can’t bottom. I was you. I really love topping, I’m 6’2″, hairy… So The top role fit anyway. When I tried to bottom I hated it. Then when I was around 40 I thought I’d see if I could learn to like it. The guys I fucked looked so happy. So I got some graduated size butt plugs and just worked my way up. I tried to have something in my butt every time I’d J/O. It took a few months but I can proudly proclaim myself to be a true vers/top. I still want to top but I like to make my boys do a little work also.
It is like yoga boys. You have to stretch. It takes time. PRACTICE.
JonJon
Age is the BIGGEST lie specially for those who are 50+ they say they are in mid 40s lol . that’s a turn off for me
an-du
you forgot “swimmers build” – many men that i’ve met who claim to have swimmers builds do, but it’s the same swimmer’s build shelley winters had in “The Posiedon Adventure”
Sean
Once again Queerty hating on Madonna, how original? I’m 25 and she’s always been the soundtrack to my life just like MJ, maybe cause the music is great, they raised the bar and have and will always be relevant?
justnow
@Alexandre: they mean hwp
@REBELComx: thx for the heads up, i did not know that. but sexing early can spoil a blossoming relationship
@NAP79: ive seen some with older ages. but i see what you mean. after 40, make up an age i guess
@Crasher: ummm…. you can frot
justnow
@Sam: i didnt know ot was that deep, however it is important that you have to train
@shle896: lady gaga is a singer pianist, so she can cross over. britney is a good dancer i guess. but all artists have to redefine themselves like christina has each album. its key for pop charts.
@Jerry: what about a guy who doesnt workout everyday?
@thomesings: love you
there are levels of desirability thought
justnow
@kellyc01: 1. its what the general of gay men seem to be portrayed as… muscular. 2….. ew
@Alexandre: just use google- i do all the time, (even for fun) and gay anal sex techniques or gay sex tips
but you have to practice that as-ho–….. until it is a conscious thing
@hardmannyc: 1. high enough?- i may have to try that….. 2. Dont believe that however if its true- it completely crashes my naivety
@MitchNYC: then boy…….. you never heard of g0ys, but see tops and bottoms as getting off
justnow
@ACruzin: so you are saying that by default overweight people are both unhealthy and unattractive
@Alexandre: sorry dude, even though that is a natural weight for someone of your height
but of course some what to go by the 10lb rule
@JonJon: that they lie about there age or that they are a certain age
See what most gay men dont get is that the ones on the lower chain didnt come out lying, it was a process. Feeling unattracted to and rejection even from those like him
scribe
@MitchNYC: I prefer to top… Only give up the ass to someone I trust and love, but here’s the thing, I could never just be with a bottom. Once or twice a year I’m going to want some cock up the ass, doesn’t have to be big, or go for a long time, but I want it and I’m unwilling to do without. Sometimes the bottom dude as to man the fuck up and pound the brown spot. lol
Never would date a top, or mostly top dude, cause it just wont work. I like to pound ass every other night.
scribe
36 yrs old. Told my str8 male construction co-workers that I like glee and that I was going to see Blondie this summer (boy-friend loves her). I tend to down play my dick size.. little over six (been told alot that it is thick), because I’m black and I don’t want the white dudes i’m hitting on to think that I’m packing a 10 incher. Never lie about my weight, because my weight is my weight.