STYLE COUNCIL

Breaststroke Of Genius: Queerty’s 7 Swimsuit Do’s And Don’ts

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Spring may have just started, but who are we kidding? It’s just the opening act. Summer is the real star of this production called Life! To get you in a buoyant mood, we’re offering some friendly tips on purchasing bathing suits so that when you’re ready to jump into the deep end and make a sartorial splash, you’ll swim, not sink.

Check out Queerty’s 7 Swimsuit Do’s and Don’ts!

The Board Short

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Do: wear if you’re tall and have more legs than a bucket of chicken.

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Don’t: wear if you’re short, lest everyone thinks you’re trying to make palazzo pants for men happen.

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Try: Multi-Striped 9″ Board Short, $75, Bonobos

The Speedo

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Do: wear if it looks like you spent last summer snatching medals in London.

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Don’t: wear if it looks like you spent last summer snatching crumbs out of your loose jowl skin.

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Try: Emporio Armani Swim Briefs, $80, Nordstrom

Ye Olde-Fashioned Bathing Costume

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Do: wear if it doesn’t matter ’cause we can see your abs anyway.

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Don’t: wear if you’re denying women the right to vote.

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Try: (Best to try a vintage store, but if all else fails) $17.99, sketchy eBay store in China

The Mid-Thigh Trunk

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Do: wear if you’re “average” height, i.e. somewhere between pocket gay and giant. Really, you can’t go wrong with a mid-thigh trunk, it’s like the male swimsuit version of the little black dress.

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Don’t:  however, try to pass it off at a cocktail party — you know how the children are.

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Try: Brioni Mid-Length Houndstooth Check Swim Shorts, $395, Mr. Porter

The Who-Wears-Short-Short

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Do: wear if you’re the aforementioned pocket gay  (it elongates the gams) OR your legs look like they can, and have, choked out a bear — of either the forest or Scruff variety.

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Don’t: wear if you’re Jon Hamm trying to avoid a wardrobe malfunction.

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Try: 2″ Angeleno Print Swim Trunk – Goa Flame, $125, Parke & Ronen

The MC Jammer

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Do: wear if you’re an international man of mystery.

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Don’t: wear the knee-length version unless you want to spend the afternoon racing a bunch of d-bags who think they’re better swimmers than you.

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TrySwim shorts, $17.95, H&M

And one last piece of advice, kids, remember —

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Do: wear whatever you choose to wear with confidence.

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Don’t:  be a dick about it. No one likes a show-off —  unless it’s tastefully done, as in a roadside motel room or gas station lavatory. Happy swimmin’!

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