CYBERSEX

8 Gay ChatRoulette Knock-Offs: Glory Holes of the Internet

Back in Time Square’s heyday, porn shops had “peep booths” where you opened a small window in the wall and hoped the guy on the other side would find you hot enough to jerk-off to. Giuliani scrubbed Time Square of its porny bits, but the peep booth has found a second life on the web. Now you can visit any of the gay ChatRoulette knock-offs and see if web cam masturbators will perform for you. I test drove 8 of the most notorious gay ChatRoulette sites. Most of them blow (in a bad way) but I still learned a few valuable life-lessons along the way.

WARNING: The men pictured above in no way resemble any of the guys I saw online.

GAYPAGE.COM

WHO’S ON THERE?: Lonely masturbators without heads.

SECONDS UNTIL FIRST COCK: 0.1 second

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK FOR SOMEONE TO ‘NEXT’ ME: Approximately 5 seconds until they figured out that I wasn’t masturbating.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK ME TO ‘NEXT’ SOMEONE ELSE: Approximately 5 seconds after I realized that I wanted to see someone more attractive masturbating.

IS THE DESIGN SEXY?: It looks like a website designed in 1990. Times New Roman, anyone? Also, it reloaded the same fat guy in briefs about 5 times for me in under a minute.

LESSON LEARNED: Headless masturbators are much sexier on Craigslist where they’ve at least mentioned what horrible things they’d like you to do to them.

WOOHIM.COM

WHO’S ON THERE?: Teenagers with shitty webcams.

SECONDS UNTIL FIRST COCK: A cock would have been an improvement. As it was, it seemed that few others had a working webcam. It blew.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK FOR SOMEONE TO ‘NEXT’ ME: A few seconds.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK ME TO ‘NEXT’ SOMEONE ELSE: About a minute when I realized that my partner was the same 17-year-old desperate for me to take my shirt off, show him my underwear, or flash him my balls—”anything, pleaze!!”

IS THE DESIGN SEXY?: It looks sexy, but it isn’t. For one, they hassle you to create an account before you can begin camming. For two, the site is supposedly geared towards “wooing” someone, but trying to “woo” a boyfriend on chatroulette is like trying to find truffles in a sewer.

LESSON LEARNED: I couldn’t find a single guy to chat with on their “gay cam 2 cam” service. The message repeatedly read, “All users are currently engaged in sessions. Hit NEXT to try again.” When I finally got someone, it was that same 17-year-old begging me to show him my cock. On the internet, as in real life, it seems that the good ones are already paired up and the rest are just perverts like me.

GAYSHUFFLING.COM

WHO’S ON THERE?: Nobody, apparently.

SECONDS UNTIL FIRST COCK: Seeing a cock would have required someone else to be logged-in.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK FOR SOMEONE TO ‘NEXT’ ME: I nexted myself a few times—it was fabulous.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK ME TO ‘NEXT’ SOMEONE ELSE: You can’t next someone who isn’t there.

IS THE DESIGN SEXY?: You can specify your gender and the gender of your chat partner which would be great if anyone actually used the site. The GayShuffling.com logo places a crown on the word “Gay” suggesting that it’s a site for chat princesses or at least minor web royalty. But if so, the court’s pretty dead… like Hamlet Prince of Denmark dead.

LESSON LEARNED: GayShuffling.com isn’t so much a chat roulette site as an existential experience. Staring at the black screen of my non-existent chat partner, I began to wonder if the person I really should be chatting with was myself.

GAYCITI.COM

WHO’S ON THERE?: No one at all.

SECONDS UNTIL FIRST COCK: No one equals no cock.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK FOR SOMEONE TO ‘NEXT’ ME: It literally took no time at all.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK ME TO ‘NEXT’ SOMEONE ELSE: I nexted my friend sitting beside me by turning and speaking to his cat.

IS THE DESIGN SEXY?: The interface is almost identical to WooHim.com, but the name city spelled with an “i” reminded me of that skeezy twink porn site, CitiBoyz. Gayciti also proudly boasts, “Tired of Picking Your Own Date? Meet a Total Stranger with a Camera!” The copywriter on this site needs badly to be fired. He craves termination, actually.

LESSON LEARNED: The front page shows two hunky models who would never actually use the site. It’s kinda like when you see a muscular man on a package of briefs and think, “Wow, he’s much hotter than I am. I shouldn’t even be using this product.” Then you realize that just like the image of the Big Mac on the McDonald’s menu, the picture’s just an ideal and the actuality will in no way resemble it. You and other frumpy losers in their store-bought underwear belong here.

GAY.CAMSTUMBLE.COM

WHO’S ON THERE?: Two twin redhead chicks with dicks.

SECONDS UNTIL FIRST COCK: I did get a pleasing shot of two buxom red-haired ladies with bat-sized dicks straddling one another. It was almost artful in its perversion.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK FOR SOMEONE TO ‘NEXT’ ME: I tried nexting the reds over and over only to get that same satisfying picture again and again.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK ME TO ‘NEXT’ SOMEONE ELSE: The scarlet sisters liked me apparently as they never nexted me, ever.

IS THE DESIGN SEXY?: Oh yes, the serif-fonts and red color scheme make you feel as if you could almost get tastefully laid chatting with a fellow user. I hate to break your dreams, but it ain’t gonna happen. But on the plus side, the lads on the “global webchat window” said they saw plenty of dick, so maybe you will too!

LESSON LEARNED: After staring at their picture long-enough, I began to think I might appreciate a threesome with the hung buxom duo. Just goes to show, the longer you’re in prison, the more attractive your cell mates become.

CAMTOGAYS.COM

WHO’S ON THERE?: Men with badly focused webcams masturbating at their desks.

SECONDS UNTIL FIRST COCK: 3 seconds

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK FOR SOMEONE TO ‘NEXT’ ME: 1 seconds (my cock wasn’t out)

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK ME TO ‘NEXT’ SOMEONE ELSE: 1 second (the cock belonged to an elderly glutton)

IS THE DESIGN SEXY?: It’s about as sexy as your average urinal. The design is as classy as its aims.

LESSON LEARNED: I would rather jerk-off alone all night in a dark room than spend even a single second on a back-lit webcam watching an unattractive grandfather pound his pud.

MANROULETTE.COM

WHO’S ON THERE?: A mix of arty fags, hung jocks, and masturbating exhibitionists (half of them willing to show you their face, especially if you show them your dick). Even Queerty-crush Davey Wavey uses it though it scares him so.

SECONDS UNTIL FIRST COCK: Surprisingly, several minutes.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK FOR SOMEONE TO ‘NEXT’ ME: Long enough for me to feel personally rejected on the basis of physical attraction.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK ME TO ‘NEXT’ SOMEONE ELSE: About five seconds. C’mon, it’s chat roulette, not speed dating.

IS THE DESIGN SEXY?: The simple design makes it quick and easy to use. There’s no logins, passwords, or anything… just click and go. Plus, several times I ran into men that I actually wanted to meet after they finished masturbating for me. I even got a few e-mail addresses (be seeing you on AIM later, meatrocket8)

LESSON LEARNED: I’m pretty sure my parents met under similar analog circumstances at a bar. A quick, blurry interaction can be all that stands between you and the man who’ll fuck you for a beer.

FUCK ROULETTE

WHO’S ON THERE?: About 20 digital blobs and fellow fans of Treasure Island Media’s bareback fuck vids (most of them wearing only t-shirts).

SECONDS UNTIL FIRST COCK: About a minute, but when I finally got one… woo nelly! He had a cockring and an ass like a raw meat slot machine—and so early in the morning too!

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK FOR SOMEONE TO ‘NEXT’ ME: Oddly, the men here NEVER nexted me. In fact, the longer I stuck around, the more vigorously freaky they became.

HOW MANY SECONDS IT TOOK ME TO ‘NEXT’ SOMEONE ELSE: Why would I “next” a man in a wifebeater humping a swivel chair with his fat cock?

IS THE DESIGN SEXY?: Have you ever been fingered in a telephone booth?

LESSON LEARNED: I apparently have more in common with bareback fucksluts than I’d like to admit.

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