When Johnny Weir retired from figure skating and glided off the ice for good, we didn’t think much of it. But little did we know a storm was brewing.
It would be a tale with all the drama of the most technically adventurous skating routine, all the panache of the most outlandish costume accessories and all the havoc of the most disastrously nail-biting mid-axel tumble.
But this ice storm brewed outside the rink. In a land known as matrimonial bliss. Where the two ice princesses lived in the highest tower amid their gems and jewels.
The very public saga of Jonny’s marriage woes with Victor Voronov are the pinnacle of absurdity, and as things seem to wind down (for now), we thought it would be a good time to revisit this cautionary tale.
Questions remain unanswered: is it all a publicity ruse? an overblown media hoopla? or are Johhny and Victor really, truly the catty, spiteful lovebirds their story makes them out to be?
We may never really know the true version, but damn it’s been one entertaining ride.
Here’s how it played out:
Back in January, Voronov allegedly filed a police report claiming his fabulous husband had bit him in a way that was totally unwelcome.
This came just before the Sochi Olympic Games, where Johnny was set to appear as a commentator. Putin would not be proud.
When the two appeared in court, Voronov put his hand on Weir’s knee and whispered into his ear before the case begun.
All charges were dropped, but the first snowball had officially been thrown in what would build into a bitchfest for the ages.
The scars from those bite marks would apparently never heal properly as Johnny announced the imminent end of the two year marriage.
Weir used Twitter to break the news to his fans, telling them, “It is with great sadness that I announce that my husband and I are no longer together. My heart hurts, and I wish him well.”
Nice enough, but soon we’d see that Johnny perhaps meant “I wish him welts” instead of “well.”
Oh, the crazy that would soon be unleashed.
Victor tweeted that he was, “shocked by the abrupt ending of my marriage and am dealing with the trauma including multiple things I am just now becoming aware of.”
And that whole biting thing came under a new light, with Johnny telling reporters, “You’d never see a mark on my body, but the damage done to me mentally was crippling.”
The stage was set.
We get the first inkling that there was some infidelity on Weirs part, and our first taste of the absurd battle brewing.
An email surfaces wherein Weir writes, “If you decide to wreck things, please wreck cheaper things than Birkins,” Weir wrote. “The f*** you on the Birkin is kinda cool, though, you artist. I know you don’t care about Hill I’ll survive if you divorce me, but please leave my Birkin bags, Celine bags and Chanel bags alone.”
Leave. Birkin. alone!
Oh and Voronov’s bite gets a mug shot.
A custody battle erupts for the couples pooch, Johnny is accused of sexting with a porn star, and Voronov asking a judge to make Johnny return a comically fabulous list of luxury goods taken from Voronov’s house (plus the Japanese Chin dog), including:
– Crocodile Celine bag
– 40 Balenciaga bags
– 20 furs (including a $125K sable)
– Green Hermes shoulder Birkin
– Orange Hermes 35cm Birkin
– 12 Chanel bags
Weir also alleges that Voronov ransacked their apartment after learning their divorce had gone public, stealing valuable items including a Faberge egg, a Louis Vuitton trunk, jewelry and an Hermes ashtray.
We don’t hear from the sparring lovers for a spell, and when next we do, things may have turned around! A reconciliation is announced, but not without its share of Weir-worth caveats.
Like, actual written caveats. Of course.
Here’s what’s off-limits according to Weir’s document:
– sex outside the marriage
– oral sex outside the marriage
– kissing or making out
– aggressive flirting
– mutual masturbation
– social media/grindr/dating
Shockingly, this method of putting the spark back in a struggling marriage doesn’t quite hit the mark.
When recently asked about the reported reconciliation, Weir says:
“Nope. I had hope and Victor and I were talking about reconciliation, but it was for not.”
What’s next in this gripping tale??