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  FLORIDA KEY

A Handy Guide To Where The Republicans Will Be In Tampa Bay

Assuming Hurricane Isaac doesn’t put the kibosh on the whole thing, the Republican National Convention is getting a belated start soon in Tampa, Florida. (You gotta wonder if anyone’s gonna say the storm is God’s judgement on small-minded bigots.)

Any time you have a big number of Republicans gathering,  you just know there’s gonna be a lot of drinking, carousing and whoremongering. (The Onion’s faux news segment on area hustlers expecting record sales from closeted Republicans is apparently not that far from the truth.)

According to a study conducted by Baylor University professor Scott Cunningham, sex ads placed online jumped from 25% to 40% in time for the 2008 conventions in St. Paul and Denver. Tampa bathhouse Ybor Resort has gone so far as to let the delegates sneak in through the back door for free.

It’s exciting to think the GOP delegates might bring a boost to support local businesses,but escorts can’t satisfy every Republican’s needs, right? We’ve created a GOP City Guide to Tampa and the surrounding areas with something for everyone, whether they’re a Log Cabin Republican, a politico on the down-low or an avowed hetero (yeah, right).

WHERE YOU MIGHT FIND:

Mitt Romney
It’s not like we’ve seen Romney’s tax returns but we’re pretty sure the GOP presidential nominee-to-be can afford more than one night at the lavish Renaissance Vinoy Resort.

Paul Ryan
Lucky us, Romney’s choice for veep happens to be a handsome dude who looks good with his shirt off. We’d be lying if we didn’t want to see him half-naked on stage at Manilow’s (right), Tampa’s go-to gay strip bar.

Ron Paul
Ron Paul is going to get his own tribute video at the convention. As a little congratulatory treat, we suggest that Paul stop into the CupCake Spot.

Chris Christie
We figure that the burly Governor from New Jersey will need more than cupcakes to satisfy his appetite. For power feeders, Cappy’s Pizza, the Chicag0-style pizza joint in nearby St. Petersburg, hits the right spot. If Christie is looking to drum up some support, he might want to check out the local bear den, the Sport Bar.

GOProud prez Jimmy LaSalvia
We imagine the openly gay president of this gay Republican club will have a lot of time on his hands—what with his party paying him no mind. We expect Jimmy might kill an afternoon getting manscaped at the Wax Cabana

The Closet Cases
Ok, so closeted Republicans have heard of Ybor Resort‘s promotion, but did you know that Tampa has several gay bathhouses: The Tampa Men’s Club is a sex den disguised as a workout facility, while Rainbow Cabaret offers skin-flick screenings and a stage.

Hurricane Isaac Evacuatees

If  Isaac ends up crashing the entire convention, you might find some of our favorite sex-negative politicians and delegates at The Castle (right), a nightlife complex complete with a tower, saloon and dungeon.  (You know, to dry off in.)

By:           Oscar Raymundo
On:           Aug 27, 2012
Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

  • 11 Comments
    • BJ McFrisky
      BJ McFrisky

      Wow. This article is nothing but childish cattiness at its worst. Your hate-on-steroids for the Republican party is matched only by your hate-on-steroids for religion. And guess what? I’m neither a Republican nor a Christian, but I know unbridled hatred when I see it, and Queerty seems to have reached a new low with its unnecessary spewing of venom. Very distressing to see the gay community has gone from one of compassion and charity to a legion of seething haters who measure their success by how nasty they can be. Anyone else out there agree with me? Or am I worthy of your venom as well?

      Aug 27, 2012 at 3:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • the other Greg
      the other Greg

      @BJ McFrisky: You’d think someone with a name like BJ McFrisky would have more of a sense of humor!

      Aug 27, 2012 at 5:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • fonzymorris
      fonzymorris

      @BJ McFrisky: No Mr. McFrisky – I think I have to agree with the Other Greg that you’re getting a bit carried away. And no – we don’t hate you, we just want you to loosen up a bit and have some fun. You’ll like it, and the world will smile with you!

      Aug 27, 2012 at 5:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BJ McFrisky
      BJ McFrisky

      @fonzymorris: I like your attitude. You responded with respect and humor, and have hence gained my respect—unlike this website, which seems to thrive on conflict. I understand that most of us are liberals, I just wish Queerty wouldn’t be so sycophantic toward all things liberal and so demonic toward all things non-liberal. And on that note, Fonzy, have a good evening.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 5:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jwrappaport
      jwrappaport

      BJ McFrisky: Unbridled hatred? I think my lady doth protest too much – the article, though not especially funny, is clearly meant in jest. Also, regarding religion: I do hate religion, and I’m glad Queerty ridicules it when it does. Its practitioners are another story, but the metaphysical, moral, and factual claims made by religions are worse than wrong; they are nonsensical. As for republicans, I feel the same. You have a party that openly says that we should have fewer rights than heterosexuals and that our conception of romantic love is dangerous, immoral, and should be proscribed by law. All of this is justified by mythical claims that have no basis in fact. I’m fine with tolerance, but not to the extent that I will tolerate the legal and social marginalization of me and countless people I love and care about deeply. You’re welcome to love thine enemies, but do not ask me or any of us to.

      To quote a great, late author on religion, “religion attacks us in our deepest integrity by saying we wouldn’t be able to make a moral decision without it.”

      Aug 27, 2012 at 6:49 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • streeteditions
      streeteditions

      I do believe that this is satire? Perhaps even irony? Or just a joke? Did I miss something?

      Aug 27, 2012 at 6:52 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Peter
      Peter

      The article says Republicans are small-minded bigots, but a bigot is anyone who is intolerant of others.

      The world is full of bigots and haters, but we don’t have to stoop to their level.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 11:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Peter
      Peter

      forgot to add that I agree with BJ. How can we expect people to be open minded and tolerant when we are just as close-minded as they are? I don’t believe in the biblical God. I don’t belive that Jesus is the Messiah. But I respect those who do. Respect. Tolerance. Peace. Hatred just drives people apart.

      Aug 27, 2012 at 11:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • kevlar33
      kevlar33

      I would just like to make everyone aware that the man in the photo associated with the castle is known as the senator. And he regularly shows up there and other locations in ybor. Also nine times out of ten you can see his scrotum peaking out under a nighty and thong combo <3

      Aug 28, 2012 at 12:14 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Neo
      Neo

      @BJ McFrisky: Liar, you are both those things, and you are paid by the GOP.

      Aug 28, 2012 at 6:44 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • markcontini
      markcontini

      There is no time for humor you guy!!! it is time for you to start thinking and know what is going to happen to all gays in the USA if you put these two guys in office, Look at what happen and is happening to the gays in Spain, Stop voting for looks and start reading. Please think about your self’s and looks have nothing to do with what the person is like!!!!

      Aug 28, 2012 at 8:43 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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