Every Monday night we get together for the orgy of feigned interest that is The A-List: New York. Having already explored the show’s racial ineptitude (blacks = “the help”) and political tone-deafness (ie. Yes Ann Coulter, we all are affluent, white, closet Republicans), we move onto the 3rd episode wondering why grown men would humiliate themselves on camera under the pretense of parlaying this gay witch abortion into a career. Oh, that’s right: the money (buttvomits onto rainbow American flag).
But first a quick recap: You have missed nothing. Nothing at all.
OK, just kidding (but barely): Even though insatiable bottom Reichen just moved in with his subtitled piece of man-candy Rodiney, unrefined she-slut Austin still wants to pop it in Reichen’s pooper. But Derek the toxic tanorexic is all like “Nuh-uh, girl.” Meanwhile, TJ, Ryan and Mike pretend to have lives. FIN.
BTW, as a punishment for making it to all the way to episode 3, here’s a NSWF picture of Austin’s butt. Now you can join the countless whordes who have seen it. But be careful — stare too long and you might catch optical chlamydia.
NOTE: E-list party promoter and NYC-based DJ Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness) joins Queerty contributor Daniel Villarreal in taking on the fakeness in this reality TV hell.
9:03 PM CST - The episode starts with Austin taking his first limo ride to glamorous JFK airport. There he kisses his on again off again “boyfriend of two years” Jake. Wait… TWO YEARS?!!! Wasn’t he all up on Reichen’s hump just last week?
Yeah, “boyfriend”… uh-huh. He probably picked up his boyfriend in the airport bathroom moments after stepping out of the limo. Jake is from Britain and like Rodiney LOGO has decided to subtitle him, but unlike Rodiney, Jake actually needs subtitles. He and Ryan say “I love you” to each other during the car ride back, but what they probably meant was “I love you for traveling 8 hours over the Atlantic just to hump me.”
9:07 PM CST - At brunch (every episode must have at least eight brunch scenes), Derek admits that he said a bunch of stupid crap back when he was Austin’s age (25 years ago); sadly he hasn’t stopped. Ryan agrees to take Austin on as a pet project to teach him manners, kinda like Professor Higgins agreeing to make a lady of the local crackwhore. Ryan agree to do some “psychoanalyzation” on Austin and get back to them.
9:10 PM CST - Derek meets a straight female millionaire matchmaker (red flag one, Derek) and NEWS FLASH! Derek has not been in love for OVER A YEAR! That’s hard to believe seeing as Derek is so “young, hot, and successful” (his words, not ours). Derek’s not a gold digger, but he specifies that his lover must be professionally established, from the Hamptons and have Carrie Bradshaw’s 5th Ave. apartment… complete with shoe room.
9:13 PM CST - A commercial shows a kid in a blasted elementary school speaking in a creepy “I just saw my parents get shot” voice. “Maybe the world gets broken so we can fix it… People think we don’t have frontiers anymore. They don’t realize that frontiers are all around us.” Haunting sentiments… until we realize it’s a commercial for fucking Levis.
9:15 PM CST - These commercials teach us gay values: charge cards, luxury cars, and PF Chang’s. Fuck acceptance… WE WANT STUFF!
9:16 PM CST - Austin arrives at Ryan’s house wearing a designer sunglasses and black leggings, to, you know, indicate that he’s been “lifting.” Ryan begins teaching Austin how to speak and ingest arugula like a proper lady. You can tell by the glimmer in Austin’s hungry eyes that he’s only eaten gummy bears for the last 3 days. Dieting’s a bitch, but we wish we had your willpower, gurl! YOU BETTA WERQUE!!!
9:18 PM CST - Does everyone speak with a lisp on this goddamn show? The producers are like, “MORE LISP, BOIIIIS!” During their meeting Austin announces, “Yes, I am with someone I have been with for a while. We have a great relationship,” by which he means is “We never talk, we just fuck.”
9:20 PM CST - Cut to more romantic times on a boat (see episode 1). Austin and Jake visit Fire Island. Meanwhile, we maniacally search the screen for the queens we recognize. Austin and Jake go to buy bathing suits and initially Ryan chooses a horrid purple brief that’s so short that the censors have to blur out his pubes. Then they go to swim in a pool with a large blow up swan.
9:21 PM CST - They start drinking champagne in a hot tub which the Surgeon General totally advises against (especially for gays). It would be so GODDAMNED SAD if Austin got woozy and slipped under and DROWNED. Like mega totes sad. Like Princess Diana sad. Like really.
9:22 PM CST - T.J. makes his first appearance this episode, wearing the required purple v-neck. He visits Reichen’s shoebox with Austin to make fun of EVERY SINGLE THING REICHEN OWNS. How DARE gay people not live in a home from Architectural Digest! Reichen decorates like a straight man because he has a disgusting rug that sheds mangy fluffballs and home furnishings that remind TJ of The Blair Witch Project. Ryan accurately compares Reichen’s apartment to his relationship with Rodiney (like we did last week): “It doesn’t make any damn sense.”
9:28 PM CST - Yet again Austin puts on designer clothes to go “lift” before talking to Reichen. In the background they blur out a woman’s face on the street probably because she requested not to be in this dreck. She was like, “What show? OH, HELL NO. No I do not consent.”
9:30 PM CST - Mike Ruiz shows up for the first time in this episode for a total of five seconds when Rodiney goes in to apply for a modelling position. Rodiney says that he’s 5’11″, but he’s more like 5’9″… or even 4’7″. Are we sniffing glue or are they saying that Rodiney is not hot enough to be a model? Really? Even after he just gave half the gays watching this show a semi just standing around in his ultra tight low-cut briefs?
9:33 PM CST - At the “lift date”, Reichen thinks it’s weird that Austin has just now announced his relationship with London streetmeat even though it has supposedly been going on for the last year and a half. Wait… A YEAR AND A HALF? Earlier Austin said it was “two years”! Austin explains that the only reason he told all of their friends about Reichen’s cock is because trash-talking peoples’ junk is always “good fun.”
9:36 PM CST - Meanwhile, Derek shows up to meet his date from the millionaire matchmaker. Derek says, ” I hope I don’t get a dud, a pedophile, or a creep” — we hope he gets all three. It turns out that his date is just his doppelganger with more hair product. Derek’s like, “Perfect, because I am SO SICK of wiping off that mirror.”
But… SURPRISE. He already went out with his twin twink about a decade and a half ago (in his 30s). And even though the guy’s a handsome millionaire, Derek doesn’t want to settle… for a handsome millionaire.
9:37 PM CST - Commercial inexplicably involving straight white octagenarian travel enthusiasts.
9:39 PM CST - Finally Mike returns for a longer scene with Rodiney. Mike is wearing a shirt that reads “Love Muscle.” Between his hair changes and vanity glasses Mike’s basically in disguise in every shot. Rodiney admits how “hard” his relationship with Reichen is. If this was a porn, Mike and Rodiney would have fucked by the end of this scene.
9:40 PM CST - In the eighth scene of brunch Jake sits back and learns that — SHOCKER — Austin is a slut! Based on the accent we can’t tell if Austin’s boyfriend is Welsh, Scottish, or northern English… let’s place bets! Jake surprises everyone by announcing that he and Austin are engaged. But what’s that you say? Gays can’t get married in New York?!! Oh good, so then it’s a FAKE engagement. And we know that Austin won’t be marrying Jake in England because the country has laws against importing hazardous waste.
9:41 PM CST - Ryan cannot blink in astonishment to Jake’s news because his numerous Botox injections have stretched his eyebrows to the back of his head. TJ says it’s OK for Austin to dish about how much he hates gossipy Derek because “Girls say bad things about other girls; that’s what we do.” UGH! Didn’t Mean Girls teach you bitches anything? Plus all the “girls” in this show have penises.
9:44 PM CST - …and the four gays at brunch continue to completely ignore the food in front of them.
9:47 PM CST - Dear LOGO: gays would only go see the new Saw 3-D movie if it had Samantha from Sex and the City in it.
9:48 PM CST - Thankfully TJ covers his abominable hairdo during his talk about Derek’s failed date. Derek laments that he hasn’t had sex for THE LAST EIGHT MONTHS which makes you a eunuch in gay years. Of course, he’s so busy tanning and waxing that he can’t possibly keep up with a boyfriend. Apparently TJ is Ryan’s front desk girl… which by that measure would make us A-Listers too.
Next, the boys go to a slutty party called Carnival and Reichen immediately gets distracted by a butterface smuggling a machete in his thong. It merely re-proves Riechen’s status as an insatiable whorebottom with a hole as wide as The Chunnel. Sorry, didn’t mean to be nasty, but sometimes “girls say bad things about other girls; that’s what we do.”
9:52 PM CST - In his fourth conversation about Jake, Austin demotes his fiancee to a mere “partner” (like they own a goddamned law firm). Their relationship shrinks more with each mention. Then Reichen drunkenly asks Austin “So, uh, once you’re married, will you ever, uh, fool around with…anyone else?” — because Reichen would like to be the meat in their man-wich if it works out. Reichen then slurs out relationship advice while dripping his old fashioned onto his pant leg. Meanwhile Rodiney (standing merely three feet away) pretends not to notice them flirting.
9:56 PM CST - At the party they blur out Amanda Lepore’s breasts because LOGO HATES TRANSGENDER PEOPLE!!! Where is GLAAD on this one? Amanda Lepore beats Michael Musto as the most believable thing in this episode. Derek hates being at Carnival with stupid Austin, so instead of leaving he decides to spend more money on booze, get shitfaced and kiss a stranger on national television. Good luck finding a million dollar hubby, flooze.
9:58 PM CST - In a teary bedroom scene, both Rodiney and Reichen wake up WITH AMAZING HAIR and wonder why their relationship has gone so wrong. Have they NOT been watching the show? We only hope we look this great when breaking up with someone we love.
Reichen keeps asking for Rodiney for permission to talk while lying shirtless with him in bed (cough, cough… cockslave). Rodiney cannot believe that their relationship is getting this bad… we cannot believe they’re acting as if they have an actual relationship instead of a sham one created for the sole purpose of making people dumber.
BTW, what the eff ever happened to Reichen’s jewelry line? All he has going on now is working out, trying to bone Austin, fighting with Rodiney, and his stupid play we that haven’t heard about since the first episode.
NEXT WEEK: Same as last week… will Austin and Reichen finally frug? Will you still care?