After live blogging the first episode of
Flop Queens on Crank The A-List: New York I felt ambivalent. Yes, the show is a guilty pleasure of the love-to-hate variety and we all delight in seeing ourselves represented on-screen, even if it is in an over-commercialized, soul-deadening minstrel show.
But it took Andrew Sullivan to articulate why The A-List might hurt gays more than it helps: “The idea that this represents gay life in any conceivable fashion is preposterous; the idea that some might mistake it as such, in these times, dangerous.” Sully’s known for being a self-important drip, but might the weed-smoking polito-queen be right? Let’s watch and see.
8:53 PM CST – For those of you who “missed” the first episode, here’s a quick recap: six aging queens drink and backstab one another while knob-slobbing amongst New York’s glitterati. Slutty model wannabe Austin wants to frug Amazing Race Reichen even though Reichen’s already boning the equally talentless Rodiney. Meanwhile, Austin, Derek, and their Manic Panic addicted buttboy TJ gossip about them from the sidelines because they have no lives of their own. Celebrity photog Mike the only one with an actual job steered clear of their melo-drama — the show only seems to be his part time job.
HIGHLIGHTS: Derek said he’s “good friends” with Seann William Scott potentially outing him. Austin said Reichen sucks at blowjobs, which is just one rung higher than saying he has a small dick.
LOWLIGHTS: The rest of the show.
9:00 PM CST – So in the season overview Reichen and Austin go on a date and then Rodiney throws a drink at Austin for being a whore. Mike photogs Margaret Cho. Rodiney cross dresses. And Reichen cries in bed over being a big buttslut.
9:03 PM CST – Ryan can’t deal with turning 30. So he has hired a toothy old party planner to help him forget about how fugly he will be one day. Together he and TJ audition a 14-year-old straight boy with a beautiful torso and horrible angel wing tattoos to serve as shot boy. TJ uses the audition to scope out straight boy ass while their fruit fly takes Polaroids. The dudes leave as soon as possible — wouldn’t you?
9:05 PM CST – Austin calls to firmly confirm his plans with Reichen’s firm buttocks. Reichen acts as if it’s not a date (uh-huh). Reichen has all the handsomeness and self-awareness of a gold retriever with a brain tumor.
9:06 PM CST – Rodiney subtitles his way through a lunch with Derek. Rodiney is definitely the puppy-eyed innocent in this show, just begging to be squashed — the Brazilian foil to everyone else’s bitchy whorishness. “It’s only your second gay relationship?” Derek asks incredulously. But what does Madame Derek count as a relationship anyway? A few weeks? Three dates? A beej? By that measure how many “relationships” has D been in exactly?
9:07 PM CST – Reichen is “really really gay” according to Rodiney. But not so gay that he can’t see an obvious date with Austin a million miles away. Austin says he just wants to catch up, so Reichen has worn his most elderly grandpa sweater in order to throw Austin off his path. Riechen tells charming stories about taking herbal extracts to inspire an 8-hour boner… typically first date convo really.
9:10 PM CST – During their total not date, Austin points out that Rodiney is nothing more than rebound, pity fuck mancandy. The glaring pink decor explains why the rest of the restaurant is empty.
9:11 PM CST – Gay social hint: “It’s really good to see you” and “Let’s hang out and do more stuff” are both code for “I wanna blow you later”, especially when wine is involved. KTHXBAI!
9:12 PM CST – The only way Julia 10 Things I Hate About You Stiles will appear in a quasi-lesbian commercial is if she drinks an entire bottle of vodka and plays herself and the other woman… though sadly it seems that even she wouldn’t sleep with herself.
9:13 PM CST – Breeders use Lysol to wipe their kid spunk and heterosexist privilege off the kitchen counters.
9:15 PM CST – Some bachelor parties hire a stripper. The bachelors in the Bridgestone commercial hire a killer whale. I bet that whale is a huge slut… blow hole all loose and filled with seamen.
9:16 PM CST – Some creepy old guy will tell all Latinas when they can finally retire. His name is God.
9:17 PM CST – The opening shot of headless mannequins make the perfect symbol for this show. At fitness boot camp, I like how Reichen refers to his and Rodiney’s physiques as “our body.” They are really just half a brain each in two bodies — no wonder they’re in love.
9:18 PM CST – Reichen says that Rodiney’s armpits smell like, “a lily field in Maine with a little bit of stank.” He’s probably exaggerating and actually means that they smell like “a curry scented bunghole.”
9:18 PM CST – Ryan’s dentist is also a botox specialist. Poor Ryan. His 40th birthday is gonna be hell when he figures out that bovine growth hormone causes severe lactation.
9:20 PM CST – Rodiney slathers on the manscara and body oil to do a dirty photo shot for Mike. They have smeared poo and Hershey bars over Rodiney’s tank top. Derek criticizes Mike’s decision to slather Reichen’s boyf in feces, but remember, we never see Derek actually working and his only claim to fame is being cocaine besties with Lindsay Lohan.
9:22 PM CST – Mike has the same taste in hairdos and sweaters as your dead grandmother.
9:24 PM CST – My mother commented last week about how great it is that we get to see these men’s “real lives” and how she admires “how completely they pour themselves into their art.” I wept a bit at her innocence.
9:25 PM CST – The A-List word of the day is “gay face”: The look on someone’s face that reveals that they’re gay. Very creative. Never heard it. Ever. Ever. Ever.
9:26 PM CST – Commercial: A serpent slithers up a woman’s midsection before she wakes up and drinks pomegranate juice… kinda like my parents’ honeymoon.
9:28 PM CST – Edwing, another man of color comes in to cater to white man Ryan’s 30-year-old fantasies. Edwing suggests that Ryan wear a black velvet Osh Kosh B’Gosh jumper and a whore red vest. When TJ gets his crappy deck shoes on Ryan’s macrame couch, Ryan reminds him who signs the checks. Way to be a classist, assist!
9:30 PM CST – Reichen and Rodiney decide that living together in an overpriced apartment is more real than living together in a crappy apartment. Together, Riechen uses the apartment as an analogy for their relationship making sure to demarkate the office space where he’ll later bottom for Austin.
9:32 PM CST – Meanwhile in the Hamptons, Derek positions himself as the queen bee of the gossip mill by simultaneously desiring and despising the dreck pouring out of Austin’s cum-tarded mouth. Austin tells us how much he wants to see Reichen’s peen. Austin decides that recapping the last episode’s cock-teasing is more important than Derek talking to the owner of the restaurant, which none much pleases D’s yes-hole.
9:35 PM CST – Oooh! A commercial with a black man and he doesn’t have HIV! Instead he has a toothy kid who likes baseball… which might be worse.
9:36 PM CST – Lexus has developed a car that will never have an accident. Except for the accident you’ll have in your pants when you see the maintenance bill.
9:37 PM CST – A commercial for a new LOGO talk show called 6 Gays and 1 Girl. They should rename it Sausage Party.
9:40 PM CST – Reichen invites his mom with the lesbian haircut to check out his big empty life. Reichen has to down an entire cup of wine before he can break down in tears on her muu-muued breasts. As they say, “A mom is every gay boy’s best friend.”
9:41 PM CST – In a hot tub scene (every episode will have one) a close up of Derek’s blue speedo clad cock reveals a disturbingly defined bulge. The guy obviously sheep dips himself in Nair every morning. Derek always tries to get out of the awkward discussions he begins with “Well, anyway…” The oldest trick in the bitchy queen playbook.
9:43 PM CST – Derek and Austin continue their competition for Duchess of the Hamptons by quibbling over the telephone that Austin tried to hang up during their meal earlier. TRIED TO. Bitch didn’t even succeed. It was an ATTEMPTED HANGING UP. Drama, girls! Couldn’t the screenwriter come up with something a bit more… poignant?
9:48 PM CST – Derek informs Reichen about Austin’s “uncouth comments” about Reichen’s “manhood.” What a good friend Derek is by bringing up Reichen’s old piece of ass in front of Reichen’s current boyfriend — salt of the earth, that one. Reichen’s response? “That’s impossible! He’s never seen my genitalia!” Uh huh… and I’ve never seen The A-List. Derek is totes surprised when Reichen says he’s now no longer excited about going to Ryan’s birthday party. Why should Reichen be in such bad spirits after Derek just helped him out by peeing in his cocktail?
9:50 PM CST – At Ryan’s party Reichen has no ass in his blue jeans. Small victories, my sweeties. Small victories.
9:51 PM CST – Who the hell throws a birthday party at 5PM? All that daylight means you have to actually see the other guests. Ugh.
9:52 PM CST – Getting a little tired of Derek’s gossipy play-by-play conniving. We all graduated middle school, did we not?
9:57 PM CST – Post-commercials: how much drama can we fit into the remaining 3 minutes? …. GO!
9:58 PM CST – Reichen looks a lot more angry when he says shit in front of a baby grand piano. He takes Austin out on the balcony to give him “the business” while Derek watches on, looking like he’s got a piece of poop in his mouth. Then Derek comes out on the patio to show off his bright orange tan and his mostly unbuttoned shirt — it’s not a “fuck me” shirt so much as a “why won’t you fuck me” shirt.
9:59 PM CST – For a fashion photographer, Mike has absolutely retched taste in hairdos and shirts during his interview segments. No wonder he stayed far away from this episode. Who the hell dressed him?
10:00 PM CST – Derek and Austin have the stupidest conversation in the world about who said what about who where why and how. It’s kinda like “Who’s on First” except about cocksucking. They agree not to be friends for the next three months. Sounds reasonable.
NEXT WEEK: Austin humps an imported piece of ass from England. Reichen manufactures some drama with Rodiney in their love nest. Derek, Ryan, TJ, and Mike continue to have nothing to keep their hollow lives afloat except the R.R.A. threesome. Super cyber sad.