It’s the day before gay pride. I’m nestled in my office on 24th street, one block north of Chelsea, New York City’s queer epicenter. As an openly gay editor of an openly gay blog, one would expect me to be down there planning my pride day with the other gays. I am not.
It’s not that I’m not proud to be gay. Not once in my post-out life have I wished to be straight. The idea of being proud to be gay, however, strikes me as a bit queer. How can I be proud of what I’ve always been? No, I’m not proud to be gay. I’m gay. It’s a fact of my life. It’s a part of my whole.
To me, gay pride’s less a celebration of my homosexuality, gayness, faggotry, queerness or whatever you want to call my sociosexual “it”. (Or is it “id”?) Gay pride’s not contained in a day or a march. It’s my everyday existence. How can it not be? My mere occupation’s something to be proud of – and not only for the content.
We’ve come a long way since the Stonewall Rebellion. We’ve got gay politicians, lesbians hosting the Oscars, the once stuffy 60 Minutes recently did a special on trans children. I see young black kids down on Christopher Street. I see stuffy old queens uptown arguing over silk ties. I see lesbians loving in the park. I see trans men riding through Park Slope. I see hip, hungry looking homos barhopping in Williamsburg. I’m proud of all the struggles that led to these men, women and trans folk to freedom. I’m proud to live in city where queers can express themselves. I’m proud that gays led the fight against AIDS. Surely so much pride must be dangerous, right?
Every major religion in the world considers pride a sin. According to the Christians, it’s pride that sent Lucifer crashing down to hell. In Islam, pride’s defined as arrogance, certainly not a pleasant trait. For Islamists, self-reflection should only lead to self-knowledge, rather than self-adulation. Hindu’s Ravana – the multi-headed king of Lanka – could have been a great man had it not been for his pride.
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These lessons aren’t exclusive to religious texts. Gay Greek philosopher Aristotle spent years exploring the notion of excessive pride, or hubris. An over-inflated self-respect led to arrogance. Arrogance, in turn, led to abuse of others. Those stricken by hubris had no love for their fellow man. How could they love something they viewed with disdain, something they considered beneath their greatness? Such an isolated, self-serving existence only brings tragedy. It’s not a means to the end. It’s the end. Thus, I cannot celebrate pride without also embracing it’s necessary opposite: humility.
I’m humbled everyday. I’m humbled by New York’s massive buildings. I’m humbled by the brutally attractive painter I see down the road. I’m humbled by the shit head who calls me a “faggot”. Sure, the resultant meagerness doesn’t feel so hot, but it’s necessary. My heart breaks with every humbling experience. But, as we all know, hearts are resilient muscles. They heal. It may take a minute, it may take a year, but every one of our emotional scars makes us stronger. It’s my – and your – strength that makes me the most proud.
Gay people are fighters. We’ve overcome so much, been beat down by disease, discrimination, religion and politics. Regardless of the abuse, we come roaring back with a lavender vengeance. With tenacity, gumption and a whole lot of spirit, we continue to forge ahead, to live Stonewall on a daily basis, to challenge the haters and open the doors for younger generations.
Pride’s about remembering these struggles. Pride’s about looking forward to more triumphs. Pride’s about recognizing our flaws, our weaknesses, keeping ourselves in check. Pride should not be isolated to one day out of 365 (Or 366, depending on the year).
Pride should not simply be about self-respect, admiration or celebration. Pride must be rooted in a desire to make the world a more loving, liberal and progressive place. Pride must be based in the struggle for universal freedom.
While some gays would rather keep to themselves, existing in a gay ghetto and associating solely with other gays, I’m not one of them. There are too many beautiful, interesting and compelling people in this world. There are too many people in need, too many people who find themselves disenfranchised. Pride should serve as a reminder to us that there’s more to be done, and not just for gay people. If we can’t use our lessons learned to teach others, what’s the point? There’s nothing more shameful than selfishness.
Now, I have to get out of this office to enjoy the rest of this beautiful pre-Pride day. And all the others ahead.
xoxo,
Andrew Belonsky
PS: For the record, I am not proud of that picture.
chazma
Well said! Thank you.
rock
Brilliantly said and thank you!!!!
dw
Thanks, Andy! That was awesome!
I am a 20-something who just came out to his family a couple of years ago and it just today dawned on my best friend and I that I had never gone to Gay Pride. I felt like I had missed something for a second, then I realized that I didn’t need a Coca-Cola-sponsored festival to teach me how to be proud of who I am. I have great friends, a (mostly) supportive family, I enjoy my job (and my employee is also very supportive of the GLBT community)… what on Earth do I need to go to Gay Pride festivities for?
justthejakester
YOU make me proud, Andy 🙂
dw
Also, I should say that I did not want to go to the Gay Pride Festival because I though I would enjoy it. I was relatively certain that I wouldn’t, since I’d rather be hanging out w/friends listening to a new band play or at a living room party than anything else.
I thought that I should go to Gay Pride because I sort of HAD to. It seemed like a (very over-hyped) rite of passage for anyone who has come out. I’m glad I got over that. Maybe I’ll go someday, but it’ll be on my terms – not because I am required to do so in order to feel “proud”. Thanks again!
ogomezmontes
The Pride Parades are a circus. I’m 69 yo and lived in that Great New York that none of you knew. By the way, I was at Stonewall that night in June but have to say that I didn’t throw any rocks at the police. Also when you see a friend died impaled on the steel fence of the Circle8 on Christopher St. trying to escape a police raid on those years pre-AIDS, makes very proud of being gay and coming a long way baby. So the queens like a parade, so do the puertoricans, irish, polish and everybody else in the world. So Andy be proud, ’cause you couldn’t do what you do or be openly what you are without us old queens that made a stand when it was very dangerous to do it. Would you do it today or are you chicken enough to stay in the closet if your living hanged in the balance?. Think about and answer that.
petulant
Excellent post Andrew! Being gay doesn’t mean we have to drape ourselves in sequined hot pants and rainbow flags. Living a life that is fruitful is more than enough. Personally that damn flag has irritated me from day one of gayness. If only the colors weren’t so primary! Aubergine, Burgundy, and evergreen are more to my liking.
Are you pondering hubris in that picture or pretending to not notice the attractive painter sneaking up behind you?
mag90069
I really enjoyed your post. It got me thinking about gay pride and what it means and why it’s really important.
It’s my belief that gay pride means different things to different people. And alot of that meaning is derived from where you live as well as the current stage in the coming out process. Yeah, I believe coming out is a process. Not a single event. For some it takes years. For others it can be moments. At the end of the day there are alot of people out there who need pride events in order to find their ‘tribe.’ Otherwise they’re left dangling, struggling to come out with no emotional support. And while that drag queen can be scary to many, she may be a beacon of hope to some girly boy somewhere. In the beginning gay pride felt vaguely uncomfortable and almost (like Andy says) a declaration of the obvious for me as well. But eventually I came to terms with the fact that pride isn’t just for fags like me. I’m out and comfortable with who I am. Maybe it’s mostly for those who need to find a place in a new life that they may have struggled for years to come to. So ultimately, it really has to be alot of things to alot of people. And I think it does that very well. Face it, we are a crazily diverse group that has one small thing in common. Unfortunately, that thing can get us killed in many parts of the world and can result in discrimination, second class citizenry and being the object of ridicule and hate in most of the rest. Having pride events is life affirming and celebratory for those in attendance as well as for many just watching from afar.
Soooo, it’s easy for us to take a bit of a snipe at pride events. And the cynic in me is right there with you. (After all, when’s the last time a straight person had to declare anyting?!) We don’t really need them. But boy do they need us. There’s alot of people out there who would love to see all kinds of representations of what it means to be gay. There more the better, no?
owenpillion
Come on Andy. You’re a blogger and you live in NYC. You enjoy a certain class privilege. You write as though equality has been achieved but you live in a gay bubble.
If you were gay living in Manhattan, Kansas, worked in a factory, had at maximum of a high school education, and lived in a community where the majority (including people you love) are against you–hearing that a gay pride parade is going on someplace in this country might at least inspire you to believe that somewhere out there are people like you who don’t hate themselves the way you do for being the way you are. Perhaps Andy if we lived in a world where you writing this blog in Manhattan, Kansas and the day had come where you were able to venture around your community the way you do Chelsea and Park Slope and see all see there only in Kansas, perhaps then gay pride parade would be irrelevant.
I agree with a lot of your points–no doubt. Everyone should be making the world a better place. And I certainly don’t want to be a spokesperson for pride. But beyond the parade itself, it has the important function of providing at least one version of gay visibility for the mainstream to witness. Is it the greatest image? No. But it does demonstrate to others that queers are able to organize themselves and come together–and to do so in the sprirt of celebration–in a major and minor cities across the nation. I think that in and of itself is a bigger deal then you’re letting on.
I think a lot of people in this country (hell, in this world) might be tempted to blow off gay pride and feel as though the battle had been one if they too were “nestled in (their) office on 24th street, one block north of Chelsea, New York City’s queer epicenter.” But for the rest of us, at least for me, I wish my queer brothers and sisters who are fortunate enough to live in a city that actually has a gay pride parade (some of whom have flown the very one you won’t be attending), I hope they enjoy themselves, celebrate the queerness, and remember the folks (like the poster above) who made having such a parade possible in the first place.
PS It’s been a few years so my memory if foggy, but I am certain there is a Sex and the City episode where one of the girls goes out with and dumps a guy who hasn’t left Manhattan in ten years. You may want to call the video store and have messengered over.
Mauricio
Dear Andrew:
I am so sorry for you dear. You don’t understand. You don’t understand the significance of a day, weekend, a celebration like this, like today. Knowing is not the same as seen in person and learning by looking at others. The power you feel and gain by the knowledge (in person) that there are so many like you is life changing. Not all the same, not all one color, not all thinking like you (or me), gives me and millions of others the strenght to live, be happy and care for the world. Don’t be selfish dear. We need the celebration to go on and now more than ever for the future generations. Thanks. MLS.
RSL
I love how polarizing it is to even talk about the difference between being “out” [a real human being] versus “proud” [a drag]. Not being “proud” doesn’t mean we [and I find myself in your camp, Andrew] are somehow ashamed of our sexuality but that we don’t want to take part in the marketization of it. Pride is kissing your boyfriend in the street while both of you are wearing a rainbow tanktop and hot pants. Out is just kissing your boyfriend [yeah, in public!] Do you really need the accessories and necklaces and parades and crutches [oops] to tell people who you are? I hope not.
That being said, I think owenpillion does have some valid points about pride parades and visibility in mainstream america [read: non-major cities].
marty05
Andrew,
While I agree with much of what you said, I must disagree with your conclusion. in my mind, Gay Pride celebrations have very little to do with the question ‘Are you proud to be gay?’. I view gay pride celebrations as a recognition that we are somewhere in the middle of a journey, both personal and collective. Personally, we are somewhere along the path to full self-acceptance. As a community, we have accomplished much in society, but still have a long way to go. To me, Gay Pride celebrations are a chance for each of us to be proud, not of being gay, but of our (personal and collective) progress on this journey. It’s a chance to thank those who have helped us get where we are today. It’s a chance to gather up our energies and prepare for the fact that we still have a long way to go. Our current Pride celebrations may not be the best possible reflections of this, but, they’re what we have, and we should use them to the best of our abilities. So take a day to acknowledge the past, enjoy the present, and prepare for the future. In my opinion it’s time well spent!
Jules
“It’s my belief that gay pride means different things to different people.”
It took me until I was 27 to come out as a lesbian. I knew I liked women but clung to the bisexual label for years – internalised homophobia, raised in a small town, homophobic parents etc. Finally one night I was watching my rock star crush on youtube and it hit me. If this woman – if any woman this amazing – was my girlfriend I’d be nothing but proud. I finally figured out what gay pride meant, to me, anyway.
Yesterday was gay pride day in my city. I couldn’t go because I was looking after my autistic son (who can’t deal with crowds) from a previous hetero relationship. But it was just round the corner and I could hear them. All afternoon the sheer noise of it made me grin. So thankyou everyone that goes – it’s so good to know there are other people like me out there.
One of these years I’m going to go too.
michaelb
What an enjoyable read.
In the past 18 years of pride parades, I have attended one. I found myself an alien among peers. I could not relate to these guys and girls acting like silly twits on float parades. I just don’t get it, and maybe I never will and I can live with that. Seeing boys dancing on a float with disco music playing while they actually look like they haven’t slept from the night before?
Dykes on bikes? Good for you, you own a bike.
Guys dressed up in drag, uh no thanks.
Bitter? no. Bothered? yes definitly.
This is not how I relate gay or queer to be, and that’s just fine by me.
Have your parade if you really need it, I’m proud everyday and don’t need it.
Thanks.
somelikeitscott
Andrew,
How can anyone disagree with your sense of seeing beauty in all that is around you? I agree with you 100%.
For those of you who need a parade…go. For those of us who don’t, please respect us enough to allow us to have our choice to not attend.
The gay community talks and talks about acceptance…how about accepting those of us 40-something garden variety gays who don’t dress in drag, go shirtless or buy a $25,000 table for an AIDS benefit like the Geffen gays? Some of us are just proud to be in a loving relationship (for almost nineteen years now), out at work and have our families proud of us. See, Pride is different for everyone.
Read more of Scott’s rants about Pride and more at…http://www.somelikeitscott.com/
Jack Jett
Andrew….great article. I sometimes feel like
Grandpa Stonewall.
I really like this paragraph. I think it sums up what many of us feel.
_________________
Gay people are fighters. We’ve overcome so much, been beat down by disease, discrimination, religion and politics. Regardless of the abuse, we come roaring back with a lavender vengeance. With tenacity, gumption and a whole lot of spirit, we continue to forge ahead, to live Stonewall on a daily basis, to challenge the haters and open the doors for younger generations.
____________
you summed up brillaintly.
thanks for taking the time to do it and i am sure it was a form of self inventory.
jack jett
johnozed
I think it’s a good show of support and solidarity especially in a world where in Moscow, the skinheads and police cracked a few skulls for their Gay Pride march, and in Jerusalem they needed police protection for their Gay Pride march due to threats from an ultra orthodox sect, and Eastern Europe as well as the Middle East and what is going on there with governmental actions against gays and lesbians there. It shows that we are everywhere, and not just drag queens and other types. Yes there is some silliness involved with the parade, because it’s a celebration, telling people who may not be out, that it’s alright to be what you are. And I’m generally a cynical person, just not as jaded as some. There are still haters at the parade, and they’re pissing on it. Do gay people have to as well?
franksea
Excellent post, Andy!
Bandit
“Pride should serve as a reminder to us that there’s more to be done, and not just for gay people. If we can’t use our lessons learned to teach others, what’s the point? There’s nothing more than shameful than selfishness.â€
But what’s more selfish than to be above something.
“How could they love something they viewed with disdain, something they considered beneath their greatness? Such an isolated, self-serving existence only brings tragedy. It’s not a means to the end. It’s the end.â€
How can you be really proud when you regard the pride of others with disdain? Scorning “Pride†is what seems arrogant to me; what seems to be the end. What seems to be selfish really.
Yes a lot of it has become a circus, a carnival. A desperate childish display of defiance. We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it. In your face. I guess everybody has a different way of letting others know who and what they are. And with every year it’s becoming more and more important to remind people how it all started.
I don’t think that I am confined to the gay ghetto and I don’t solely associate with other gays. But I do live in NYC which happens to be a gay ghetto by itself. I know that there are too many people in need, too many people who find themselves disenfranchised. And I’d like to think that I can and am doing more, not just for gay people.
But I can start with gay people, and I can start by going to the parade, which hopefully will remind people in other parts of this world where hearts are not as easily healed, that there is hope, that some day, they will be as free and jaded like the people in New York, who are to proud to go to Pride. As already said: too much pride can lead to arrogance. And arrogance is the end.
Having said that, I have the biggest crush on Andrew and every time I see him on the street my heart skips a beat…
Ryan
Well, I went to Boston’s Pride – for the first time ever – and had a fun time. I don’t think it’s a social statement, I don’t think it’s necessary… it was just a fun thing to do. No, we don’t need a Gay Pride parade to be proud of who we are, but then again we don’t need Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Flag Day, 4th of July or any day of pride recognition. They’re just fun things to do… and every once in a while, communities like to come together and celebrate.