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A Queerty Anthology of Rosie Blogs, Translated

aaarosieshowOh noez!!!ONEONEONE! Rosie O’Donnell, America’s favorite unlikeable lesbian and poet-laureate has announced that she’s given up blogging, saying:

“When I started to blog, no one knew what a blog was. Then it got so commonplace, it was kind of being used on entertainment shows as edited pieces. I was like, ‘It’s not worth it.’ It wasn’t providing the joy that it used to.”

That’s right, Rosie invented blogging way back in 2007, so this is big, big news. How are we to live with the knowledge that there will be no more of her nonsensical rambling pseudo-poetry coming down the pike? Wait. There’s only one way to properly express our feelings:

day two
it is sad
had a blueberry topped oatmeal today
also sad
so fat, so gone forever
OH< ROSIE DO NOT GO<

i do not like the internets w/o you.

Let’s look back on the greatest hits of a woman who single-handedly reinvented the haiku to make it accessible to the lobotomized, the brain-dead and the just plain stupid. We took some lit crit theory in college, so we’ll break down Rosie’s double-meanings, poetic devices and arch symbolism for you. I’m telling you, this is going to open a whole new branch of academic theory.

On We Go
7.29.08

earthquake in la
wow
i flew in the night b4 the big one
january 94

b4 parker was born
i was in rehearsals for GREASE
we were opening in boston
i was needed in hollywood

as betty rubble
was shooting a macdonalds commercial
mc rib
if my mc memory is right

i was at the 4 seasons
bumped out of bed
it sounded like a runaway train
in the next room

robert klein was in the lobby
talking to the shaken concierge
“so- the mnm’s rolled out of my mini bar –
will i b charged for them?”

cracking us all up at once
tension breaker
lil comedy never hurts
when u r scared

Analysis: There’s so much going on in this piece. There’s disaster, there’s musical theatre, there’s Robert Klein. Rosie makes reference to The Flintstones, one of the two movies she was given a lead in (the other being S&M romp, Exit to Eden) before being slowly downgraded to second-tier “character actor” and finally, daytime host. Is the “earthquake” here literal, metaphorical or both? Notice the way she pairs the disaster imagery with the warm comfort of McDonald’s and M&M’s? Eating and stress– two sides of the same jelly-filled doughnut.

balance
11.06.08

too much
energy light buzzing
makes u high
ready to chuck the ssri

it happened
i had doubted
2 shield my scarred heart
prepare for the worst

so irish
u never know
ur life can be changed
by a phone call

there has been an accident
there r no accidents
detroit airport
the morning after

bliss
i wonder if i will stop hugging
every black person i see
archie kissed sammy davis jr

the movie finished
each one a gift
a cameraman – a grip
with twins at home

life
art / soup
lily said it best
after jane wrote it down

all women
r created equal
the origin of love
peace out america

humbly we pray”

Analysis: Perhaps her most ironic and challenging work, “balance” finds Rosie in an ironic mood. Testing the limits of the human gag reflex, she piles on shopworn cliches and light racism with experimental homages to e.e. cummings (the lack of capitalization and “art/soup” dichotomy) while still finding time to make a moment of national importance an opportunity to talk about what drugs she’s on and her new movie. The “balance” at the heart of this work is of course, an illusion. Look for balance in Rosie and you’ll only find imbalance, which fortunately, is being treated by her physician.

“FIRE”
10.27.07

WASHINGTON — The White House scolded the Federal Emergency Management Agency on Friday for staging a phony news conference about assistance to victims of wildfires in southern California.
The agency _ much maligned for its sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina over two years ago _ arranged to have FEMA employees play the part of independent reporters Tuesday and ask questions of Vice Adm. Harvey E. Johnson, the agency’s deputy director.
The questions were predictably soft and gratuitous.
“I’m very happy with FEMA’s response,” Johnson said in reply to one query from an agency employee.
White House press secretary Dana Perino said it was not appropriate that the questions were posed by agency staffers instead of reporters. FEMA was responsible for the “error in judgment,” she said, adding that the White House did not know about it beforehand and did not condone it.

remember when the boy king
arrived in new orleans
the capital lit behind him
by generators they flew in

for the charade

Tonight so many victims of the hurricane and the flood are far from home and friends and familiar things. You need to know that our whole Nation cares about you – and in the journey ahead you are not alone. To all who carry a burden of loss, I extend the deepest sympathy of our country. To every person who has served and sacrificed in this emergency, I offer the gratitude of our country. And tonight I also offer this pledge of the American people: Throughout the area hit by the hurricane, we will do what it takes … we will stay as long as it takes … to help citizens rebuild their communities and their lives. And all who question the future of the Crescent City need to know: There is no way to imagine America without New Orleans, and this great city will rise again.

i watch him act
badly i might add
with the movie star
pretender

oil is at 93 dollars a barrel
the highest in history

careful now everyone
remember before the went into iraq
same shit
different year

wake up
ultimate power corrupts
ultimately
it has

BO asswipes
showed up at my book signing
camera in hand
cocky young white men

darkness always
fights the light

they were bullied out
not soon enuf
4 my liking
eye 2 eye – turn it off

i saw u
how do u feel
tonight
clever or cruel

for the hundreds of others
who offered their hearts
in letters and hands held
secrets and hugs

my gratitude only
as u remind me
what we all know inside
believe – it whispers

thank u
kanye take em 2 church

Think Progress » KATRINA TIMELINE

Analysis: If you’re thinking to yourself, “Did Rosie just copy some shit off of a website and add her own meandering thoughts to it?”, you’re right. But isn’t that what all bloggers do? Isn’t Rosie the true essence of blogging: Self-absorption married to name dropping all in the name of “commentary.” Are not George Bush, Kanye West, Dana Parino and the mean people who show up at Rosie’s book signings with video cameras all “bloggers” when you come to think about it? In the words of O’Donell herself, “believe-it whispers’. Oh, how you whisper, Rosie. We’re listening.

By:           Japhy Grant
On:           Jan 29, 2009
Tagged: ,
  • 12 Comments
    • petted
      petted

      Damn schadenfreude – its funny but I feel really really bad

      Jan 29, 2009 at 12:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Sam
      Sam

      Rosie is/was one of the most easily available celebs online. Why all the hate? Check out someone like Patti LuPone if you want to dish. God love Ro and she puts her $$$ where her mouth is (OK, forget the mouth part).

      Jan 29, 2009 at 1:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Darth Paul
      Darth Paul

      So, she can’t blog anymore because she it’s not exclusive enough (in her sad, narrow view)? How typical.

      Incidentally, this is probably the funniest post with Japhy’s name attached. Pure hilarity!!

      Jan 29, 2009 at 1:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Eric Barnard
      Eric Barnard

      Your starting to sound alot that Hater Perez Hilto

      Jan 29, 2009 at 3:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • L.P.
      L.P.

      I rather like Rosie; maybe not her poetry, but I liker her as a person. I think that she gets a lot of bad representation because of how “in your face” she can be. It’s her personality. Meh.

      Jan 29, 2009 at 4:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Sapphocrat
      Sapphocrat

      @L.P.: Hmmmm, nope. I might respect her if she got bad press just for being in-your-face. What put her at the top of my shit list was her eventual response after months of deafening silence during the Prop 8 battle, to the effect of: why should she care — she doesn’t live in California (i.e., fuck you, I got mine), and anyway, her San Francisco marriage was merely “an act of civil disobedience.” Pardon the paraphrasing, but I don’t have Japhy’s gift for mimicking cracked haiku. G-A-Y captured the her ugly exchanges with fans (one of whom she calls a moron) in October:
      http://www.goodasyou.org/good_as_you/2008/10/rosie-and-prop.html

      Jan 29, 2009 at 5:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • lili
      lili

      I Love Rosie. She was accessable, funny and yes in your face at times. But she also stood up for she believed in whether it was popular opinion or not. I applaud her courage and her heart. She will be missed

      re: No. 6 · Sapphocrat
      there was no deafening silence during prop 8. Rosie sent out 3 different newsletters to everyone on her blog/fan list encouraging people to get out and vote and to support prop 8. She also sent the same newletters to people who had requested info on her cruises. I know because I’m on both lists. She also had a large support prop 8 button on herr sidebar with a link to more information.

      But because she didn’t support Prop 8 in the way that YOU deem proper she’s on your sh*tllist? Wow, just wow.

      Jan 29, 2009 at 5:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jon
      Jon

      Love, Love, Love Rosie…although this story is old news, as she stopped blogging and made this announcement over a month ago.

      Jan 29, 2009 at 6:12 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ryan
      Ryan

      A bit harsh. Yes, Rosie’s done little in the past 2-3 years to be likeable, but she actually has had a brilliant, diverse career – even when she was making movies (A League of their Own being the best – and her role in that wasn’t small). There was Sleepless in Seattle, which is probably the movie she’s still best known for. Harriet the Spy. And who could forget “Another Stake Out?” LOL (Not a terribly good movie, but it was relatively funny for kids, which honestly seems to be the crowd she was most successful with in her movies – and there’s nothing wrong with that).

      So, no, she hasn’t done very many *good* movies, but don’t pretend as though she wasn’t getting big roles or having successful movies. And, there were the rare good ones (Sleepless, A League). Plus, her daytime show was *very* successful for many years, something that may have set the stage for Ellen years later – and when Rosie joined the View, the ratings at least became relevant again… she was just, indeed, too ‘in your face’ to last on that show any longer than she did.

      I highly, highly doubt that this is the last we’ll see of Rosie. She’s one of those people who always manage to keep themselves relevant and rise out of the ashes after they’ve had a few bad years. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her get a TV show in the future, maybe not even a comedy, or a cable news show at night (MSNBC was close to signing her – maybe CNBC will?). Or, maybe she’s feeling ‘done’ and wants to spend more time with her kids. That does seem to be a priority in her life, which is more than many celebs can claim. She’s loaded, has had a strong career and wouldn’t be the first to call it quits before it gets called for her.

      Jan 29, 2009 at 7:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Geoff
      Geoff

      I actually liked Rosie for a long time, though it wasn’t easy at times. She’s done alot…perhaps not all she could, but as far as I can figure out she’s always been her own person whatever media/culture storm she’s created or weathered. I can’t just pile hate on her. The media was really brutal w/her blog material (queerty you’re in there too) even if it might have been deserved at times. She’s just doing the best she can in this life and I have to admire that.

      Jan 30, 2009 at 12:46 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • trent
      trent

      whom ever wrote this blog entry is a dumb fuck. Oh you better then everyone David. You rule your the best. Your such a loser with an ugly ass boyfriend

      Jan 30, 2009 at 3:17 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • villager
      villager

      Haters!

      Jan 30, 2009 at 8:09 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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