“As far as my life goes, I am married. I am happily married. There’s not been one day in the course of our nearly 16 years of being married that I’ve been tempted to be unfaithful to my wife. I would say I have an orientation towards her. I do have same-sex attractions. But to say I have same-sex attractions would be the same as saying I was a married man with opposite-sex attractions. I am attracted to my wife in every single way that I as a married man need to be attracted to my wife, and our life is amazing. Am I a gay man? Some people would say you’re gay simply because you have these attractions. Some people would say you’re straight because I’m married. Some people say I’m ex-gay because I’m not leading a gay life.”
— Alan Chambers, former president of ex-gay ministry Exoduc International, in an interview with Huffington Post’s Michelangelo Signorile
Mr. E. Jones
I am attracted to my wife in every single way that I as a married man need to be attracted to my wife
Funny–most straight men want to be attracted to their wife, rather than feeling they need to be attracted to her.
Larry
Sounds like a gay man who is afraid of who he is and what people will think of him if he is true to himself. I just hope you find a way to be truly happy and I wish you luck.
Brown Gay Al
Lol.
ncman
ummm…. Men with same-sex attractions are gay (or bi) whether or not they act on those attractions. Being gay (or bi) is not an activity. It’s an orientation.
hyhybt
If that’s what works for him, and since he’s no longer in the business of pushing others to the same, all well and good.
Bear Aspirin
“You’re a sad and pathetic man. You’re a homosexual and you don’t want to be, but there’s nothing you can do to change it. Not all the prayers to your god, not all the analysis you can buy in all the years you’ve go left to live. You may one day be able to know a heterosexual life if you want it desperately enough. If you pursue it with the fervor with which you annihilate. But you’ll always be homosexual as well. Always Michael. Always. Until the day you die.”
Harold to Michael in “The Boys in the Band”
oilburner
Good for him at least he’s honest
Wilbready
Who is he trying to convince? I was “happily” married for 20 years. The only problem was, I am gay. When I could no longer take the mental anguish, I came out and started to live my life as the gay man I always was. I never physically cheated on her, but my heart and loins hungered for other men! I am now so happy with who I am (and this guy clearly isn’t) and that I found the love of my life! He is an awesome man with so many facets that I have a hard time believing my luck! If ever two men were made for each other, we are it.
I love you, Paul! Smooches!
Kangol
So sad. But it’s his life, not mine, and he’s not pushing that “ex-gay” crap anymore, so live and let live.
rand503
Whole lot of ratinoalizations going on there.
Too bad he can’t face it to have a fulfilling relationship with another man. Why? Because he feels the need to conform to his society and his religion. That’s his problem, and I feel sorry for him, but he should not be a role model to anyone. he is a prescription for real unhappiness in life.
davegun2
@Bear Aspirin: I was young and full of self loathing. I saw the play in Wash. DC when if first came out (Ford Theater around 1969). That line changed my life. I took it as a positive statement of reality. But the neg connotation certainly appropriate to the man in this article.
Fitz
Would you want this for your kid? Would you want your own kid
to live the kind of life you are living?
Robbie
Maybe he’s bisexual. (?) That’s OK.
Will L
Yeah, Bear Aspirin for the win…
I guess this works well for him and his wife.
Tackle
He is not sad and pathetic. He trying to be honest. And good for him. I personally do not think he is gay. If he says he’s straight, identifies as such and feels comfortable then I say he is. It’s his life. We should not try to fotce others to be gay or something they are not. About the attractions to other men, that can be and mean a lot of different things. He doesn’t specify or seem to know. But there are many straight men who can be attracted to other men and not necessarily in a sexual way. And MEN tend to be visual creatures, and can definitely appreciate the beauty in men and women. And there are many gay men who can be attracted to women. Would that make us straight? I say no. There are many things about the spectrum of human sexuality that we just don’t understand. And many things that we do not undressed should be left alone.
Tackle
(understand)
Ogre Magi
What a rotten turd he is
MikeE
so the proof that “ex gay” doesn’t exist.
he just “gay trying to pass as straight”, like most of the people who’ve gone through any of those “ex-gay” treatments.
@Tackle: and you can “think” he’s not gay all you want. but if he still gets a boner for dudes, I’m sorry to break it to you, but that’s the very textbook definition of “gay”.
There’s nothing “honest” about him, unless you mean he’s an honest liar? He’s lying to himself, and to his wife, and to the people around him.
What I don’t understand is that woman putting UP with it. Who the hell wants a spouse who’s going to always be fantasizing about other people? She apparently needs some self-worth therapy.
Tackle
@MikeE. Point taken. But what if his attractions to men do not involve him getting a boner?We can see attractive men all the time and not get boners. Many times when I see an attractive man, it only consists of a second or third look. And I don’t think I read anywhere where he says he constantly fantasizing about others.
Stan
I doubt he is happy. When he takes a shower I am sure he is thinking abou Hugh Jackman
Brian
Good on Alan for making the choice – yes, choice – to be married to a woman. He hasn’t succumbed to the sleazy gay men’s social scene with its promiscuity and fetishes.
As for the naysayers who say that he’s really gay, lol. Since when does gay trump straight? Alan has same-sex attractions but has chosen to realize his opposite-sex ones. Deal with it.
Larkin
@Brian: Being married to your fag-hag without sex isn’t a real marriage even if it’s one man/one woman. Deal with it.
hyhybt
@Tackle: What’s an appropriate response to someone who forces the unwelcome image of Alan Chambers with a boner onto innocent bystanders?
MikeE
@Brian: Of course being married to a woman is a choice. Absolutely no one here will contradict that. There is no biological imperative to marry any specific person.
But the “naysayers” as you call them are absolutely right. The man is lying to himself, and to his wife, and to any unfortunate children that might come of their forced union. He isn’t going to be “happy” simply because “he’s married to a woman”. He’d be a LOT happier if he did what came naturally to him. If he is attracted to men, then he should BE with a man. He HAS no “attractions” toward women. His only admitted attractions are same-sex. That makes him a gay man living a lie by pretending that he’s a straight man married to a woman.
As for your evaluation of the gay male scene.. well, that’s a VERY tiny part of the gay experience. It’s sad that that is all you know of what it is to be gay. And in case you didn’t know: there are FAR FAR more heterosexual people involved in what you term “sleazy” and “promiscuity and fetishes”. You want to know why? Because there are MORE straight people than gay people.
rand503
To bear in mind —- never ever live your life as others expect you to. Live your own life. http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying?view=mobile
If you don’t, you will, like too many others, have deep regrets on your death bed.
Ronbo
Alan,
You can also bark like a dog. It’s never going to make you a dog.
Brian
Ronbo,
Lol. Neither does having sex with a man make you gay.
BlogZilla
” I am attracted to my wife in every single way that I as a married man need to be attracted to my wife”
____________________________
It’s amazing the lengths some people will go to simply because they don’t want to be homosexual.
dwndckd
@Brian, I could not agree with you more…
@ Bear Aspirin, @BlogZilla, it takes a “sad and pathetic man” to call another the same. I don’t see anything wrong with what this guy said. In fact—although I am a str8 male, there were times when I had “GAY” men talk with me and tell me that they had sexual urges for females… Now, if I were to use the dumbass” logic that you used and several others on the site—I could surmise that the individual that told me his thoughts wasn’t “GAY” but an actual heterosexual, such as myself… Well, I’m here to tell you that wasn’t and isn’t the case… Although I personally believe that being STR8, GAY or whatever is an “individual” choice, I realize that it would be wrong (judgmental) for me to demand that someone is something that they say they are not—just because I deem it so…
Certain boundaries should be observed when attempting to “push” the “GAY” agenda
hf2hvit
@Tackle: You’re as twisted as he is.
hf2hvit
@dwndckd: Pushing the ‘ “GAY” agenda” ‘?
I bet you’re as “straight” as he is.
hf2hvit
1. What a sick fuck.
2. What the hell is wrong with HER that she would settle for that mess???
dwndckd
@ hf2hvit – first—make no mistake. I defiantly know the difference between an azz and a pussy. Second, I have not, nor have I ever thought about making out with another man. But, if you want to think so, go at it! Third, if you want to question anyone’s motive—you can first start by questioning yourself– it seems that you have some unresolved issues!
Tackle
@hyhybt: it might surprise you and be beautiful beyond belief. @hf2hvif:I don’t consider myself twisted. But I do consider myself self 100% gay. I think the twisted ones are those thinking they are some type of all powerful all knowing entity who understands the whole spectrum of human sexuality. And the cowards are the ones who feel threatened by what he said. And I find it hypocritical that gays are saying that he is not and would not be happy in his current lifestyle choice. Well that’s the same thing that straight society and many religious folks told us. That we will not be happy being gay. I wish him nothing but happiness and success in his life and relationship.
B Damion
Hhhhhh…this story is for the birds…
Cam
It’s a whole lot of tortured explanations, but lets boil it down to the basics.
He’s attracted to guys, married a woman because that is what his own baggage and his fear of bigotry told him he SHOULD do to fit in. But he’s still attracted to guys.
End of story.
nature boy
(I do believe some people are bisexual and could be married to a person of one sex and still have an attraction for people of the other sex. Maybe he CAN get a boner for his wife without fantasizing about a man? I think it’s somewhat insulting to true bisexuals to imply that the situation he describes would be completely impossible.)
For those asking about his wife “what’s wrong with her?”…. from what I’ve read, usually in these ex-gay marriages the wife is fighting her own same-sex attractions and the husband and wife openly understand each other’s situation very well. In fact they usually meet in ex-gay therapy. If it works for them, fine. Some people are perfectly happy to have a spouse who’s not constantly pestering them for sex.
Finally, @Brian, sleazy promiscuity and fetishes is not a gay issue but a human issue in general. A quick survey of free hetero porn online will demonstrate that heteros go just as deep into fetish and “sleaze” as gays. Some heteros are into some nasty stuff !
As well, there are many, many sexually unadventurous prudish gays.
billforsyth
He appears to be a gay man married to a woman or bi sexual and married to a woman.So what ,its not as if he is the first and deciding not to be unfaithfull and to not have sex with someone other than his wife. What does he want ? a medal.
dwndckd
@Wilbready, so- lets change this situation around… Hypothetically speaking… Although you and Paul have been engaging in male-to-male sex for a while—what would happen if one day Paul tells you, while you both were in the “sack” that he sometimes fantasies about women (the smell of their pussies, the feel of their titties—those things “we” STR8 guys really like) … Question—would that make Paul a latent “Heterosexual.” Seriously speaking, I would somehow doubt it! Why, because—Paul has a choice and he decided to “azz” bang you, and not a “chic.” Therefore, his thoughts are irreverent, it would be his actions that are at hand…
dwndckd
@MikeE, you posted a lot of assumptions…. However, somewhat short of actual facts…
“The man is lying to himself, and to his wife, and to any unfortunate children that might come of their forced union.”
“He isn’t going to be “happy” simply because “he’s married to a woman.”
“He’d be a LOT happier if he did what came naturally to him.”
“He HAS no “attractions” toward women.”
Damn, it seems as if you know more about this man’s life than he does… I tell you what—since you know so much, please send me next weeks’ lottery numbers so that I can retire and live happily ever after.
MikeE
@dwndckd: it doesn’t take an intellectual genius to make those deductions.
but apparently, that’s still asking too much of you.
so let me make it simple: people who lie to themselves and to the people around them about something that is fundamental to their lives, are almost universally unhappy.
are there too many long words for you there?
AndrewIB
Poor man..he sounds like he is trying to convince himself as much as everyone around him..what his poor wife must be thinking inwardly god only knows..she must have nagging doubts constantly which is a terrible way to live.
dwndckd
@MikeE, “ it doesn’t take an intellectual genius to make those deductions.” MikeE, to be honest—I’m surprised that you are able spell, more-less reach a faulty conclusions based upon insinuation(s). Example, “So let me make it simple: people, who lie to themselves and to the people around them about something that is fundamental to their lives, are almost universally unhappy.” Honestly, you have no idea what’s occurring in this person’s private life, more-less his marriage. Question—are you in his bedroom? Are you in his mind? Hell, do you know his thoughts? I tell you what—let’s give this guy the benefit of the doubt and brace yourself— let’s “assume” that he knows what’s best for him and his family!
Lastly- your statement, “but apparently that’s still asking too much of you.” My response-not really, not when you aren’t making any sense at all. Then again, we [Libertarians] have to take one bite at a time…
dwndckd
@MikeE,Ohhhhh I’m still waiting for those lottery numbers…
MK Ultra
He’s got that exaggerated, phoney smile that’s really only seen on Disney villians whose duplicity is purposely hyperbolized. It testifies about what a liar and con man he is as well as how miserably unhappy he is under all that phonyness.
I wonder how much his “wife” gets paid to play happy wife?
Wilbready
@dwndckd,
First of all, it’s irrelevant, not irreverent.
Secondly, “Paul” has tried women to see which he liked better and it just reaffirmed that he is gay. I found myself relating to the man in the article only because I had lied to myself for so many years that I too, believed I was straight. If you are straight, hooray! My thought is this, why do you read this website?
Me think thou dost protestith too much!
To answer your question, since Paul and I are intellectual and not just with each other for sex, I know that he doesn’t yearn for the pink taco or her two friends. We crave each bodies and all the good parts!
ZeeZee
It could be that he is happy and leading an amazing life. Maybe he is gay, or bi, or ex-gay, or whatev’ . But why does it sound like he is trying to convince himself too hard with all that “need to be attracted to my wife” bs.
hyhybt
@Wilbready: If you are straight, hooray! My thought is this, why do you read this website?
So, there’s NOTHING on Queerty that any straight person could possibly find interesting? Seems hard to believe.
1EqualityUSA
dwndckd,You washed up onto the Isle of Queerty and stayed, though quickly (repeatedly) say you are straight and Libertarian. What draws you into this conversation? What is it that you are tying to understand something? I can’t imagine my brothers, my brother-in-law, or any truly straight person spending so much time conversing with Queertiers. What is it about us that keeps you coming back? I don’t mind your words, thoughts, opinions, not in the least, however, I wonder what we provide for you that you cannot find in the circles you purport to belong. I have to mobilize now, for work, so that I can pay taxes to a government that sees LGBT as second class citizens. Know this, from childhood, I’ve known my orientation and it was not a choice. It’s like Republicans that keep repeating how economically and fiscally prudent they are, when the opposite is true. You can say our orientations are a choice, but it doesn’t make it true, not for me. I know myself and am autonomous enough to be myself, irrespective of the pressure, by society, to be heterosexual. I never played with dolls, machine guns and army men. There’s a picture of me in a fox hole in fatigues, in my mind, I was a private. Never wore dresses. Refused to skip in pre-school. Drove a jeep, rode skateboards with the skateboarding crew in my youth, yes, clad in flannel. (Go ahead and snicker) It was my orientation from earliest childhood. I can remember gathering dandelion flowers and giving them to a classmate in kindergarten. Please stop saying that my orientation is a choice. It is not. I’m genuine. Have a good day. Find your answers, but please respect that we are not you, nor any part of your experience.
nature boy
@ 1EqualityUSA that was beautiful, man, thanks
dwndckd
@1EqualityUSA, you posed a good question. Hopefully, I will provide you with a good answer. The reason that I am on this site is to gain a fundamental understanding of the “GAY” community. Until recently, I have had very little contact with homosexuals. This issue was further exacerbated when I found my nephew playing with a neighbors’ kid (son) who was dressed in “high-heel” shoes. It was then that I asked myself- what would happen if my nephew became “GAY.” You see, 1EqualityUSA- I have little knowledge of the “GAY” community and I am concerned because of the values that I believe are being challenged by those who hold very different family values than what I believe. I will also tell you that while I have been on this site—I have been amazed with hat I have read and what others have thought. I am not here to change anyone’s mind or belief but to simply understand. More-over, I also want to know what different beliefs will arise that may affect my value system. Consequently, chances are—I will not be on this site for much longer—probably a few more days… I don’t want to sound harsh, but per the comments and discussions that I have read so far—I realize that I what I don’t know about the “GAY” community, I don’t want to know..
hyhybt
@dwndckd: If your goal is to find out what gay people are like, you’re going about it in completely the wrong way. Go find real people in the real world, and get to know them in a non-judgmental way.
Tackle
@dwndckd: hyhybt: is correct. And to add to that, don’t for one minute think that Queerty is a reflection of the gay community. This is the internet. And people will express ideas and opinions that they will not express to someone’s face. Being on Queerty for four yrs, I realize the that Queerty posters can be extreme. And truth be told. A lot of this is fun and entertainment. Not to be taken seriously at every turn. If you truly want a reflection of the real gay( GLBTQ) community, please look into volunteer work at your local or nearby gay or lesbian center. That will be more of a true reflection …
hyhybt
@Tackle: I’d go a bit further than that. If you want to know what gay people are like, in the sense of how they differ from straight people, the first thing to do is to compare to gay people who are otherwise similar to yourself. If you’re a parent of schoolage children, for example, try to find out if any of their classmates have a gay parent or two and get to know them. If you’re a churchgoer, talk to gay people at church. (If, as seems very likely, yours is not one friendly to that type, go look in one that is.) And so on, and so on. As with scientific experiments, if it’s the difference one thing makes you’re interested in observing, you want everything else to be as similar as possible. After all, you don’t expect all *straight* people to be alike.
Once you’ve got a handle on what this one difference really does and doesn’t make, *then* go for the variety.
nature boy
@dwmdckd as a 46 year old gay man who’s been out of the closet for 24 years and lived in both predominantly gay and predominantly straight communities, I can confidently tell you that it’s no mystery what gay people are like. They are just like straight people, except they fall in love with the same sex instead of the opposite sex. There are nice pleasant gay people, and there are gay jerks, just like there are plenty of straight jerks. There are devout Christian gays and atheist gays… just like straights, etc etc. There are Republican gays and Democrat gays and Libertarian gays. Some gays (most in my generation) have been shaped, for better and for worse, by growing up in an ever-present environment of abuse and discrimination against gays. These pressures can create some really great traits in some people, but also contribute to some not-so-great behaviors. By and large all the same things will be seen in straight people though as well. I have a 75 year old straight male friend who said to me the other day, “I finally realized gay people are just like us.” It just becomes a non-issue after you meet real gay people and get to know them as people. You can’t do this a site like Queerty. Queerty may be entertaining at times but it represents only a tiny fraction of what gays are like.
The most important thing you can do if your nephew turns out to be gay is just to make sure he knows from early on that you will love him and accept him no matter what… and that you only want him to have a life of joy and fulfillment whether he loves someone of the opposite sex or someone of the same sex. You cannot ensure he will be straight by being homophobic around him… he will carefully observe any homophobic words or behaviors you make to gays in the media or world, and withdraw from you. Sometimes this pressure is so much for gay kids that they turn to drugs and alchohol or worse yet suicide to escape this pressure from straight family members. Watch your words carefully when you encounter gays in the world or represented as characters in the media… and stick up for the kid if you have to in the face of other homophobic family members…. or you could literally be responsible for your nephew taking his own life.
And don’t wait until he’s older… start now. Every gay person I know says they knew they were gay from a very young age… the only variation in their story is the length of time it took them to accept it or how long they tried to struggle to change themselves or wait for change to happen on its own before they realized they only had one life to live, and this was how God made them, and they wanted to live a life of honesty and authenticity.
hyhybt
@nature boy: “Every gay person I know says they knew they were gay from a very young age”
Just in case you’re interested in a contrary story… I didn’t. *In hindsight,* there are very clear indicators from elementary school and earlier, but I didn’t really catch onto the truth until I was about 20. (I did, though, spend high school and early college thinking things like “I can’t let anyone know what I’m thinking or catch me looking; they’ll misunderstand and think I’m gay.”)
nature boy
@hyhybt thanks… yes you’re right, it is more complicated for some than I made it sound. “In hindsight” is very valid for some people… I think that actually applies to me too. As a youngster when I discovered I was different and learned that was unacceptable (in 3rd grade, I remember it exactly) I quickly learned to hide my differences, tried to forget them, waited for them to change, and actively tried to train myself to be straight, act heterosexual, and thought through this ongoing practice I would succeed in changing what I didn’t want to accept… that it was “just a phase” and “I hadn’t met the right girl yet”… and “I would grow out of it”… only later looking back could I see that “gee even as a young kid I was already completely and unchangeably gay.” Some people I know did in fact accept that at a young age. Wish I had not been so stubborn! I didn’t until age 22 when I realized I felt so removed from the world it was like I was walking around with a thick sheet of glass separating me from everyone else… I decided “I will try considering that I am gay, it can’t be any worse than this…” and promptly fell in love with a man and realized, “oh, this is what love is!” Obviously there was no going back at that point.
1EqualityUSA
#55 nature boy, This was so right on, especially about the things parents and all, say. I remember almost every infrequent comment made about gay people. The words really stuck, as well as the expression on faces. Annoyed sneers, when Billy Jean King was being sued for palimony, the look of disturbed perplexity when David Bowie albums surfaced, even Lavern and Shirley were subject to scrutiny. Infrequent, but most memorable. We soaked it in and learned to stay quiet. I did drink quite a bit and had fun doing it, but gave it up after screwing up on a painting, into which I had put six months of my life. When I woke up and saw how damaged it was, I said my goodbyes to spirits. That, nursing school, and a drunk for an aunt was enough to turn me off to alcohol early, before it became a problem. Gay youths should not be tormented into anesthetizing themselves. You hit it. Thanks. I hope dwndckd, hears your thoughtful and kind words.
MK Ultra
I believe libertarians can become normal people. I’ve even had Libertarians come up to me and tell me they find realistic politics attractive, but for some reason reject them.
I believe being a libertarian is an individual choice to completely detach from reality and live in a fantasy world.
I’m just mentioning this because i want to connect with libertarians. Definitely no obvious trololololoing here.
hyhybt
@nature boy: Sadly, the commenting system here does not contain a Like button, so this will have to do.
@1EqualityUSA: Laverne and Shirley, gay? People just have no sense. (And I don’t mean you, I mean those you were speaking of.)