For years, New Year's was a guaranteed disaster for me. In 1999, I had just moved to 47th Street and, after going shopping for the afternoon before the big night, I came back to find my Times Square apartment cordoned off by the NYPD. I rang in 2000 in an empty dorm room. Hooray?

Luckily, my friend John eventually came along and, by way of random road trips and cheap soju bars, taught me that the key to a good New Year's is to expect disaster and then be pleasantly surprised when things don't turn out absolutely horrible. With that in mind, here are some of the best(?), high-profile parties across the globe at which you should expect the worst. They're no fondue feast in Harlem (guess what I'm doing!), but that doesn't mean they won't be cheesy and fun.

New Orleans
800 Bourbon Street has Jeanie Tracy performing hits like Keep The Party Jumpin’ and Cha Cha Heels in addition to their annual balloon money drop and free champagne toast.

L.A.
We all know how much you absolutely adore fake-lesbian Katy Perry and if you're in Hollywood come New Year's you can see her headline at Paramount Studios on stages designed to look like a fake New York, complete with fake snow. The cost of the $10,000 VIP Suite is real, however.

Charleston
Keeping up with the, "wouldn't you rather be in Manhattan?" New Year's theme is Club NY, whose stated goal is "to elevate locals’ nightlife and introduce nationally-recognized DJ’s and entertainers, cosmopolitan décor and design, edge and diversity that one would find in cosmopolitan cites such as New York City", which is funny because in New York, you couldn't get a glass of beer for the $100 cover the South Carolina event costs.

Paris
There are plenty of big parties in the city of lights, but the most appealing option this year seems to be La Cantine Des Ginettes Armees' electro-cabaret, which comes complete with foe gras tasting menu and music by The Man Inside Corrine, Yauss & La Blaonde.

San Francisco
Marga Gomez (America’s Most Wanted Latina Lesbian) and Ali Mafi (World’s Greatest Gay Muslim Comic) host two shows at 7pm and 9pm as well as a countdown at the San Fran's queer Theatre Rhinoceros. Gomez has been awarded "Best Comedian in San Francisco" for two years running by readers of the Bay Guardian, so hey, let's hope the promise of a toast of "free tap water" is just a joke.

Minneapolis
Start with hockey and then move onto cocktails, fashion and gay comedy with the city of lakes' gay celebration. At 5pm the Big Gay Moose Friendship Cup Hockey championship plays at Mariucci Arena and later a fashion show designed to raise money for HIV/AIDS organizations is followed by the comedy stylings of Jason Stuart at the Hyatt Regency.

As for New York City? We can't in good conscience tell you to stand like human chattel in Times Square or drop half a grand for a dixie cup of champagne, unless you really enjoy feeling like a tourist. Our suggestion is to find a group of well-dressed boys and make friends. Alternatively, cook up a batch of fondue.