America’s Drag Queens And Nostalgic Trolls Prepare Knife Battle Over Dorothy’s Ruby Slippers

In all of the gay universe, there are only four pairs of ruby red slippers from the 1939 Wizard of Oz film: one is on display at the Smithsonian, another is part of a private collection that you’ll never see because you are a peasant, and some queen stole the third from the Judy Garland Museum in Grand Rapids, Minnesota (that bitch had to be cray-cray). But as the final pair of slippers prepares to go at a Profiles in History auction for about $3 million, we imagine that the nation’s drag queens and nostalgic trolls—the ones who drunkenly claim that “Judy Garland was such a bitch”—have begun pawning their most prized possessions in a sad, futile attempt to purchase meaning by buying The Holy Grail of gayness.

Of course, what manly man wouldn’t want Dorothy’s red slippers? Not only are the magical as balls, they also look great on guys—just check out how great they look on the Gnome King.