Just heard that your trade to the New York Jets from the Denver Broncos was finalized. Congrats! New York is a big city, and Denver kind of sucks. I think you’re going to like it here.
But let’s set some things straight first.
We don’t give a shit about your religion here. We think it’s a cute little aspect of your life, and this is a live-and-let-live city: you can pray for mad touchdowns at St. Patrick’s Cathedral every Sunday, have brunch with Cardinal Dolan at Swifty’s over virgin mimosas, whatever.
But don’t get it twisted: New York City is a fundamentally agnostic place, and we don’t want to hear about your religious calling.
Do keep Tebowing, though. That’s silent, cute and easy to make fun of.
Money and power run New York, Tim, not God. Which is why you’re going to need to step it up and trade verse 3:16 for 316+ completed yards a game.
John Elway, legendary Hall of Fame quarterback and owner of the Broncos, didn’t have much faith in you. He told ABC News: “Tim Tebow’s a great kid. If I want someone to marry my daughter, it’s him.”
He called you a “great football player,” but refused to say much about your primary duties: being a great quarterback. And now he’s canned you after one season, opting for the more bankable Peyton Manning.
Your 46.5 completion percentage? I’m a flaming homo and I know that ain’t good. Step. It. Up.
And while we know you’re an evangelical Christian, what do we know about your political views? You and his team refused to make an “It Gets Better” video, which, whatever, you’re not obligated to. More tellingly, he starred in an anti-abortion ad from Focus on the Family that aired during last year’s Super Bowl.
Be careful, Tebow. You’re going to get the best reporters in the world asking about your stances on every political issue of the day. You better have some good answers, and “no comment” is not going to fly.
We’ll just say this: even if you don’t like gay people, or think we suck, or shouldn’t get married, do not say so. Because that, above all else, will not fly in New York.
Photo via Becky White