Yesterday we harped a bit on heterosexual YouTube personality Onision, for daring to advise young people stay in the closet until they leave home. Or at least to keep quiet the notion that they’re “questioning” their sexuality. Because otherwise they risk alienation from their friends and parents! But now a real-life homosexual is saying basically the same thing!
Ray, the popular vlogger known as BreakingNYC, hands over his channel to William (also a vlogger! who actually meets up with other YouTube users IRL!), whose advice is this: Wait until you’re in college and out of your parents’ house before coming out.
Of which he speaks from experience, having come out at age 14 — and not into a world of roses and rainbows.
(And here these two didn’t think any gays watched Ray’s videos.)
How about we take this to the next level?
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Cam
Look, it depends on your family. I’ve had friends that came out at 14 and had a very supportive adolesence from their families. I also have friends who are out of college, working, and who’s families still don’t want to hear about it, they waited until they could support themselves to come out to their families.
greenluv1322
Not a totally bad idea. But I do think there is a huge difference between not being openly gay as a teenager and pretending to be straight. So if you can be silent on the subject without damaging your inside sure. But if your friends and family bail on you because you are gay. Good riddance! No one needs haters in their life period.
Brian En Guarde
You can’t make generalizations. I think earlier is better for good mental health, provided there is some support network in place. In Prayers for Bobby, he was open about his sexuality, and was persecuted by his family. But the sooner dating, normal sexual growth goes on, the better for a young person. But they can’t put themselves at risk, if they are in say the bible belt, or have a fundie fuck family.
Kevin
Wow
Will’s a friggin idiot
Just because his life sucks and his coming out experience wasn’t so great…it doesn’t qualify him as an expert. He’s a dumbass.
Chicken wings are the best food ever
Cal Russell-Thompson
There’s no right or wrong way to do this, and given the process of coming out should not exist anyway (we’ve centuries of prejudice and bible-bashing to blame for that) it should not be up to some video-blogger to preach the conditions of a young person’s coming out. I came out to my parents at sixteen, but I came out in school at fifteen, and that was fine. There was one gobshite who gay-bashed a little but that barely even counted as anything because he could barely even get his insults out. If anyone else had a problem with it, they said it behind my back and I heard their slights by proxy. It was pretty pathetic, really…. I know people with different experiences but my own has been overwhelmingly positive.
That said, my grandparents have yet to be explicitly told that I won’t be anything like the conventional married grandson, nor will I be providing them with great-grandchildren. I still don’t know how I’m going to tell them, but I’m waiting until university before I do (unless my parents tell them first!). I suppose I agree with the video in as much as telling the family members who are less likely to be supportive might have to wait until you’re in a stronger and more independent position.
However, I ultimately maintain that the individual is the one with the choice, and being in the closet is only part of one’s sexuality because society at large is heteronormative. That’s nobody’s fault but society’s, and the individual should not feel as if they need to suppress – and not express – their orientation simply because people may react a certain way.
RT
Everyone please read Sarah Schulman’s “The Ties That Bind: Familial Homophobia and Its Consequences.” It provides A.) an explanation for what exactly homophobia is, and where/how it originates, and B.) a blueprint for combating it, and shifting our culture from one that rewards homophobia and its sympathizers, to one the rewards those who act against homophobia.
As Schulman puts it, calling out your asshole family on their unfair homophobic behavior, while likely to bring upon you the fiercest most brutal punishment, is also the most appropriate reaction for you to have in response for being treated cruelly, and unfairly.
Brian En Guarde
One good thing about coming out for me was that no one said anything homophobic at family events. Letting them know I was gay enlightened family, but see my family was opened to learning about new things. When my sister’s boyfriend said something homophobic, I was able to call him out, which was good for my self-esteem. It is good for self-esteem to defend who you are and fight for who you are. But ignorant and religious people want to persecute, so young people need to be careful, but not overly fearful. Courage is what self-esteem is all about.
chris
As I watch some of my young gay friends struggle with how to pay for college, especially given todays shit economy and job market , I have to say that I am VERY happy that I came out after I finished graduate school. Those coming out at 19- 22 to unsupportive parents are especially having a hard time I notice.
Yes, I had scholarships and a great job even while in college, but am happy as hell that I am not strapped with a giant student loan now. I could not have done it without them, and am lucky that they ended up being so cool, so loving, so amazing. Maybe I was lucky to have gone off to school so far away that I could be me and not have to fill them in on everything, but I am glad I waited.
Fitz
Safety first. I have personally advised a young homo that his situation didn’t sound safe for coming out– but to hold tight and work his ass off to get into a good college in a progressive town. There are too many runaways and throwaways on our street.
Fitz
@RT: That advice comes from a place of power that many 15 year olds don’t have yet. It’s an entitled perspective.
Daniel
He’s a moron. Come out whenever you feel comfortable. Do it early if possible. Don’t wait. It doesn’t get any easier. Also the community needs to step up simply educating heterosexuals that their offspring may very well be gay and that they need to accept reality from the get-go. If heteros were told this message repeatedly so it actually sinks in, then it would be vastly easier for gay kids to come out, be themselves with their families, and live happier and healthier lives as out and proud people. This message needs to be given to every hetero to make the lives of gay people better when they are growing up.
Acem
Self preservation IS important. If your family is financially supporting you, and/or providing the roof over your head…and you KNOW that they will have more than just a negative rection to the reveal of your being gay…then by all means stay in the closet. If they’re in a position of power of you, and can hurt your livelihood, then do what you have to do to protect your well being. In the meantime, however, work your ass off so that you can establish yourself out from under their rule.
damon459
I came out to my whole family when I was 11 and I had no serious issues with any family members. That being said not every parent understands the concept of unconditional love towards their children which is sad. I think this may be why so many of our community is so messed up. We’re are raised to lie and eventually we can be very skilled liars in adulthood. So if your in a situation where it’s safe to come out then I say come out as soon as possible you’ll be happier in the long wrong.
robertplattbell
I enjoy some of Onision’s YouTube videos, although he seems to be developing a cult of personality that is a bit disturbing.
Also, his aggressive Veganism is a bit over the top as well.
While I think some of his videos are funny, he is a bit strident and also doesn’t seem to feel there is any room for debate or alternative views in his world.
The cult of personality and his opinions on everything are a bit of a shame, because it sort of locks him into this YouTube/Internet personality that he will have trouble breaking out of. He could morph this thing into an acting career, but I think he has painted himself into a corner.
It’s like RedStateUpdate – where do you take these things?
I used to run the Gay Student group at S.U. back in the 1980’s and for the most part, what he is advising was what we would have said back at that time to callers to our “GayPhone”:
1. If you are a teen (particularly a minor) we did not advocate “coming out” because of the potential problems back then. You were very *very* likely to encounter violence in high school if you tried to be “out”. It was the era of Matthew Shepard, remember? It also seemed inappropriate to us to be advising minors to declare their sexuality at an early age.
2. If their parents were homophobic, it would probably be best to broach that subject once you are an adult, no longer living at home, and college is over (and presumably paid for). Back then, it was not atypical for teens to be thrown out of the house by homophobic parents if they declared themselves to be “gay” – and what happens to throwaway gay teens living on the street isn’t pretty.
Now, times have changed, and perhaps that advice is dated. Bullying and violence in schools isn’t what it used to be. But if a teen asked me today, I am not sure I would give different advice. I guess it depends on their particular situation. If you live in San Francisco and go to Harvey Milk High School, that’s one thing. If you live in a small homophobic town in Nebraska, perhaps another.
Things were different back then.
I did not “come out” until I was 25 years old.
Gregory Onision is only 24.