It’s an age-old question — do some straight-identifying men fool around with other guys because they’re heavily inebriated, or does the alcohol simply allow them to act uninhibited, true desires escaping through pores alongside the distinctly unpleasant smell of boozy sweat. We know which scenario we believe rings true, but we’ll just go ahead and leave it open ended and get to our latest case study in repression:
A justifiably distraught wife wrote in to advice column Dear Coleen with a tale of bachelor party shenanigans run amok. In short, her husband, who is totally not gay or bi or anything other than straight (ha), hooked up with two guys during a weekend-long bachelor party. One of those guys was the groom.
Related: More And More Straight Guys Are Giving Each Other “Bro-Jobs”
Here it is in her words:
How about we take this to the next level?
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My husband went to Magaluf on a stag week recently and when he got back he confessed that he’d got drunk and slept with another man, blaming the fact that he was “so out of it”.
He told me he woke up and screamed when he realised he was in a hotel bed with this guy lying next to him.
But he also admitted he’d got very drunk on another occasion and slept with the groom (his friend), who surprisingly enough isn’t angry and just said: “It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened. I’m not bothered I slept with you, we did it and that’s it.”
My husband told me he isn’t gay or bi, and that it was simply down to overdoing it on the stag week in terms of drink and drugs, and that he regrets it. We have a four-year-old son and my husband is a very good dad.
He told me he wants to work on our marriage, and I want to be able to forgive him, but it feels hard and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do it.
His friend’s wedding is in a week’s time and my husband and his friend want to keep what happened secret from the bride, but I’m not sure about that.
What’s your advice?
Here’s what Coleen had to say:
First of all, I don’t think you should tell the bride to be. I think it’s up to her fiance to tell her. The chances are she’ll shoot the messenger and still marry him anyway.
You have enough to deal with, so focus on yourself and your marriage.
It does sound like a big drunken, drug-fuelled mess, but if you want to work on saving your marriage, then that’s your decision.
Of course you’re going to find it hard though. The trouble with confessions is that while they unburden the confessor, the problem is dumped on the other person to deal with – and how do you do that?
In your case the positives are these: he was honest with you about what happened straight away and he’s reassured you that he’s not gay or bisexual (just a drunken fool).
You obviously need to set some boundaries now – number one is that you don’t want him going on any more stag dos because you can’t trust him in that environment, and he shouldn’t mind about that.
He should probably put some distance between himself and the groom to give you the space to work things out.
You might even need some relationship counselling to help you work out whether you can forgive him and move on.
All you can do is give it your best shot and, if you realise you can’t get past what he did, then at least you’ll know you tried your very best before walking away.
Oh Colleen, sweet ignorant Coleen.
While she makes some vaguely valid points, we’re having a bit of trouble with the brush-over of “he’s assured you that he’s not gay or bisexual (just a drunken fool).” Hooking up with one guy during a weekend bender? Maybe, just maybe, a so-called “drunken fool” move.
But two?
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What Coleen’s advice should be is: Work on your marriage if you love your husband, the father of your son. Go to couple’s counseling, all that. But you may also encourage your husband to go to individual counseling to get help navigating some repressed desires he’s clearly letting loose under the unacceptable umbrella excuse of inebriation. If he doesn’t get honest with himself and you, these behaviors are destined to repeat themselves.
Anything else you’d tell her?
ErikO
Ugh enough about obsessing over hetero/straight men queerty and the myth you write about how they’re all somehow bisexual.
rand503
I would tell that woman that yes, set boundaries, but have a deep long talk with hubby. First tell him that there will be no judgments and no recriminations, but that as the wife, she needs to know the truth about her husband. If he has same sex attractions, she needs to know that. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then he needs to get to therapy.
Then, after the truth comes out, which will be that yes, he has at least some same sex attractions, then he needs to unload — how long (probably his whole life) have there been other encounters (probably).
After that talk, he needs to be tested immediately. And then they should go into couples therapy to decide whether the marriage is worth saving. It might not. But the son must be considered in this scenario.
As for wifey, she will likely be angry and bitter, and those are normal feelings, and she should seek therapy to deal with those feelings.
In short, there will be a lot of tears and sweat, but hopefully no blood.
slinky49
I think Ann Landers said [and I’m paraphrasing what I recall], if you want to know who someone really is, get them drunk. I have had numerous sexual experiences from come-on’s to actual affairs with supposedly straight men in my 40+ years of being out, and inebriation loosens zippers like no other force on the planet. What astounds me is the bizarre need of the men and their women to cling so desperately to the “straight but drunk” delusion. I’m reassured by the fact that sexual fluidity is finally taking hold in the culture as a human trait that can, at least, be discussed and acknowledged as possibly real and, one hopes, eventually, acceptable.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Talk about being cheated on twice..didn’t we have this exact same fucking story only the other day?
Tobi
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: I was just experiencing a sense of déjà vu…
BillSam
“If he doesn’t get honest with himself and you, these behaviors are destined to repeat themselves.”
And even more so if he does get honest! And what’s wrong with that if he’s gay?
No offense, but whoever posted this story seems as “ignorant” as Coleen. Since I think most of us can agree that liquor doesn’t change a person’s sexual orientation, the husband in question is at least bisexual and possibly gay. If it’s the latter, gay men need to accept themselves, move on, hopefully stay friends with the wife, and remain a good dad to the child. Couples therapy won’t help this. Surely no sensible person would suggest that this couple should stay together in a pathetic “mixed” marriage — this is the 21st century!
Hopefully this man won’t need to get drunk to be with other men, and will get over his old-fashioned shame over his perfectly fine homosexual feelings. Staying trapped in a hetero marriage won’t be good for either the husband or the sife.
chuck
No big shock, men are like dogs and will do almost anything sexually. It’s just sex. What’s the big deal?
bottom250
The groom and this man need to be together. It is so romantic. The women will be hurt but time will heal. Men be together it is a romantic destiny. Ohhh sweethearts my heart swells hearing this.
ladnek
Why is this site so obsessed with straight guys? Every other story is about a “straight” guys turning gay… I can’t help but think of queerty employees as sad pathetic gay men who are desperate to have a straight guy validate them. They’ll buy into any delusion as long as they can write a story fantasizing about landing straight men.
Paco
@chuck: If he were single, then I could agree with you. But this story is about the wife that had a huge bomb suddenly dropped on her by her ‘straight but loving gay sex’ husband. Now she has to try and figure out what is happening to her family. Hopefully her husband will be man enough to be truthful, other than the surprise admission to try and relieve his guilt by dumping it on his unsuspecting wife, like most cheaters do. Maybe he is just hoping she will divorce him so he doesn’t have to admit he likes having sex with men.
The definition of straight has not changed to include men having sex with other men.
Josh447
Reminds me of an old saying “women are for babies, men are for sex and dogs are for love”. As judge Judy says “keep it simple stupid!”. If only it were that easy.
Bulovaboy
In my experience’s thats the oldest excuse in the book, he’s gay and if he clams he’s not gay, trust me, His curiosity will get the best of him, look at all the just adult guys in porn for money. 99.5 percent of guys think and act on it. weather it’s getting a BJ at the local park and ride or hooking up on a sex program. Especially in today’s day and age. it’s everywhere and the opportunity to do so is huge. once they get it they want more. One reason i don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, they lie and do it anyway. So good luck. I’d say leave him, but the next guy won’t be any better unless he’s from a small town in the middle of nowhere and has not choice or temptation.
Chip
Come on now….
http://www.queerty.com/woman-panics-hubby-sleeps-two-guys-stag-week-one-groom-bro-20160726
bottom250
I have been with so many married men honey they are gay and love men.
He BGB
Honey, alcohol is a truth serum. That’s all I’m going to say on the subject.
bottom250
@He BGB: Oh sweetheart so true
He BGB
He woke up and screamed? Sounds pretty gay to me. Lol.
LubbockGayMale
Ask him who did what to whom, and then get to a clinic for STD testing! After the test results come in, then she can make a decision on what to do, from forgiveness to forget him (or murder?!?!?!).
Aromaeus
Yeah she needs to get tested and make sure he didn’t give her anything. The fact that the groom was so nonchalant about everything tells me this isn’t his first time around the block.
Also yeah queerty it’d be great if you actually reported on stories about actual out and proud gay/bisexual men and not this drivel.
BriBri
You can keep straight men and their dirty holes.
Sukhrajah
If he continuously states that ‘alcohol, and drugs’ are the common denominator, I believe that this is an admission that he is in need of help in these areas, independently as well.
Let’s actually consider the long-term potential of this individual, and the two most important people in his life; his wife, and his son. Both need him to be around for the long-term, and if he is incapable of maintaining control of himself around the life-long call of alcohol and drugs, then we have a deeper issue (one that will be a greater cleavage in the future, against the foundation of their relationships to this man).
In terms of honesty, I do not believe that she should accept that these incidents of his sexual expressions – should be believed, as fact. She flashes her lack of clarity, by manifesting it as not knowing how to forgive him. Clarity, and fact will do just that. She should, in time, ask him to see a well reputed, and sex-positive councilor about his sexuality.
As Willam said “Once is an instance, but twice is a hobby,” – and while I completely understand the nuanced relationship between mates; but that landscape is ripe and rife with the strife of the homoerotically charged moments and desires of expression. Him sleeping with the Groom (who, thankfully – is fine with it) and his other friend – is fortunate in that he has friends of that caliber who will engage in that type of activity within the bounds of a friendship. It most certainly though, is a secret activity – and him bringing it up will likely alienate him from the group as they will, by association, be suspect.
If he wants to live in that World, he has to adapt – and that is likely not a price that he is willing to pay sober. So, either he redefine his definition of sexuality (and thus not need to abuse drugs and alcohol – and then blame them for his lack of courage) to one in which he has the liberty to act on his own soverignity free from the self-editing and self-harm of self-shame, or, get a new group of friends. Little of A, little of B, and he’ll get by. Everyone can use marriage counseling.
Josh447
Haha this is a joke. Guys know exactly what they want sexually, unless he was black out drunk, which isn’t likely. This is an irresponsible lie placed to break the ice about the truth about him.
I can here the song right now …. “Break It To Me Gently”. Drunk my ass. That’s an old Catholic school girl trick so the chick could get some dick and blame it on alcohol. Guys get high and have sex. He’s right on cue. Don’t fall for it girl. Either open your relationship or leave. He has a taste for dik, and HE WANTS to taste it. Nothing is going to change that. If he’s bi or gay he’s ready for a big life change or he never would have told you. Get ready for phase two to begin if you guys don’t handle this now. He’ll find a guy and you’re out the door.
bottom250
@Josh447: Preach it honey
Josh447
Bottom250
Yo baaby. And the groom to be is about to get married. Ok, I see a good movie script in this one. The twists and turns could be reeeeallly tantalising. Praaaaise de lordy lord, it could be a big hit.
bottom250
@Josh447: Oh Honey it sounds so romantic. This queen would love it especially the sex scenes.
Hussain-TheCanadian
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: Prince darling; you’re getting upset and I like you being your extremely funny self; here is some Canadian bagged banana flavored milk to calm the nerves!!
Also I didn’t realize that this was a repeat article until I read Bottom250’s reply; I said to myself: “damn this is the same article”.
Josh447
@BTM250
Haha a’course. What all American guy wouldn’t. I think one of them needs to be a very hot preacher’s son, all set in the South. Oh the imagination is churning.
Josh447
And the preacher would be presiding over his son’s wedding and a split second before the ‘I dos’ between bride and groom ……
bottom250
@Josh447: I will be screaming out ohhhhhhhh Godddddddd
Josh447
LoL …. Oh the possibilities …
Brian
If the man just had a bit of a cuddle with men, he’s not cheating. He’s simply having that bit of warmth that only a man can give another man. Men have stronger hands than women, and this is why men also give better massages.
Alcohol gives men permission to do things that their non-inebriated values would not allow them to do. Alcohol unmasks feelings and emotions that are repressed so as not to offend women. Free of women at a stag night, men indulge in the things that their unbridled consciences propel them to. This includes a bit of man-on-man action.
One of my fantasies was of a Greek neighbor from the 1980’s who had a great hairy body and wore the tiniest of Speedos. He was married to a woman but I envisaged having a ravaging session with him where I absorbed every single bit of DNA into my body – every single bit, mind you.
girldownunder
I agree, Slinky!
” I’m reassured by the fact that sexual fluidity is finally taking hold in the culture as a human trait that can, at least, be discussed and acknowledged as possibly real and, one hopes, eventually, acceptable.”
aidanbh
Heterosexuals creating heterosexual problems through heterosexual rules and games, then crying on heterosexual sites and to heterosexual counsellors whose job it is to clean up the heterosexuals’ mess with more heterosexual delusions. Boring, boring, boring!
Dave Downunder
…….it’s all just a little piece of history repeating.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4rKA2g3S-g
bottom250
@Brian: That sounds so beautiful and romantic, sweetheart.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
Gay men looooooooooooooo – ooooooooooooooo – ooooooooooooooove…….straiiiiiiiiiiiiight meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.
That was a song I wrote. Hope you all like it.
BillSam
@ladnek: Well-said! I have always had a problem with gay men with that pre-Stonewall sensibility that suggests straight men are somehow hotter or ”
are “real men’ as compared to gay guys.
Brian
@BillSam: Straight-identifying men have swagger in spades. Most gay-identifying men wouldn’t know what swagger was if it bit them in the arm-pit.
Josh447
Straight guys are simply a fun challenge. And they haven’t been branded yet. It’s no different from straight guys going crazy over a hot young virgin or the new girl on the block. It’s all fun, It’s all good. I wouldn’t get too riled up about it. Guys like a challenge. It’s in their blood.
Josh447
PS My straight female roommate, Head Nurse of two Cardio floors here in SoCal put her two cents in about this article last night. Her advice to this mother was “not to take it too seriously, guys’ll Fuck anything with a pulse.” She has four brothers.
Sluggo2007
Straight guys love sex just as much as gay men do. If they’re sure it won’t be found out, most of them will jump in the sack for a BJ in a New York minute. End of story.