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  THE WITCH IS DEAD

Bachmann Suspends Her Campaign With Nonsensical Concession Speech

After getting a measly 5% of the votes in the Iowa caucus, helmet-haired harpy Michele Bachmann has suspended her campaign. (Don’t let the door hit ya, Shelly!)

We tried finding an interesting quote to run from this speech to supporters in West Des Moines, but between laughing at her failure, groaning at her mere presence and scratching our heads at her incoherent babble, we couldn’t concentrate. Pilgrims? Clouds of witnesses? And now suddenly her entire campaign was about dismantling Obamacare? How do you run a massive political campaign that stands for nothing but being against what the other guy has done?

Well, we guess you don’t.

By:           Dan Avery
On:           Jan 4, 2012
Tagged: , ,

  • 28 Comments
    • Ian
      Ian

      Marcus is soooo upset! He sooo wanted to redecorate the White House!

      Jan 4, 2012 at 8:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MikeE
      MikeE

      he’d start by painting it beige!

      Jan 4, 2012 at 8:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kurtis
      Kurtis

      Every word of this is exactly what was running through my head as she made that speech.

      Jan 4, 2012 at 9:06 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dick
      Dick

      By merely suspending her campaign she gets to continue to raise funds that she can
      keep and spend any way she likes, even if it’s not for her campaign.

      Jan 4, 2012 at 9:13 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Storm
      Storm

      I would have preferred to see her stay in the race, and I hope Perry stays, too. They personify the Republican party’s “crazy-factor,” and the more independent voters see that craziness and radical right-wing insanity, the better for us.

      There is one big lesson to take from the Iowa caucuses. Romney won by -eight- votes. If you’ve ever doubted that your vote counted for anything, read that again. Eight votes. So do not sit home on Election Day. These crazies will do their damndest to undo every gain we’ve made in the past couple of years.

      Jan 4, 2012 at 9:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TASTEY GOODIES
      TASTEY GOODIES

      YEAH! THE WICKED WITCH IS “DEAD”!

      Jan 4, 2012 at 9:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • christopher di spirito
      christopher di spirito

      Marcus soooooooooooooo wanted to be the next First Lady.

      Jan 4, 2012 at 9:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • B
      B

      Apparently Michelle Bachmann has a problem with the preamble of the U.S. Constitution, which states, “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

      What part of “promote the general Welfare” does she not understand?

      Jan 4, 2012 at 9:37 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Oscar Raymundo
      Oscar Raymundo · Queerty Editor

      “The precious principles of freedom that make it the greatest force for good that has ever been seen on the planet.” EVER!

      Jan 4, 2012 at 9:38 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • JKB
      JKB

      These comments about Marcus are out of line. Give that queen some respect.

      Jan 4, 2012 at 9:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chuck
      Chuck

      I wonder what she’ll do with herself now. And by ‘her’ of course I mean Ms. Marcus. Lovely pink tie BTW you bloated closet case off to ruin the lives of young gay people with nutty religious zealot parents.

      Jan 4, 2012 at 10:04 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • macmantoo
      macmantoo

      The icing on the cake would be a gay person runs against her in Mn and beats her.

      Jan 4, 2012 at 10:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • tjr101
      tjr101

      But I thought god was on her side?

      Jan 4, 2012 at 10:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • GreatGatsby2011
      GreatGatsby2011

      @Dick: Nailed it in one.

      Jan 4, 2012 at 11:00 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kylew
      Kylew

      Man, this speech was sickening, the way she was trying to spin things to make it look like she had been hand picked by god to wage a holy crusade on behalf of the american people. Even even if you were not already as cynical as hell, this speech would make you want to vomit. Well done to the people of Iowa, and let’s hope her pitiful exit sends a clear message to the others that bigotry and hatefulness are not not going to cut it in the elections.

      Jan 4, 2012 at 11:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tom
      Tom

      Well she claimed God told her to run but now acknowledges that the voice of Iowa was loud and clear. Clearer than God? Wow!

      Jan 4, 2012 at 11:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • shannon
      shannon

      DID YOU NOTICE SHE KEPT SAYING HE WAS GONE “SHOPPING” FOR THE DOG??? THAT ACTUALLY MEANT…” WHILE I WAS OUT WORKING…HE WAS OUT THE LOCAL GLORYHOLE SUCKING DICK”

      Jan 5, 2012 at 12:24 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mizzymm
      mizzymm

      We have’nt seen the last of her, now that she does’nt have to pretend she’s human(epic fail) she’ll become even more hateful.

      Jan 5, 2012 at 12:25 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • stevoj
      stevoj

      @MikeE: oh my gawd. i love neutrals

      Jan 5, 2012 at 12:28 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Wow
      Wow

      Awww… I was hoping Marcus will get caught giving an intern a blow job. But, what am i saying? Even the white house won’t have a closet big enough for him.

      Jan 5, 2012 at 12:48 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • iDavid
      iDavid

      Wow, exellent speech as a great reminder of everything most Americans don’t stand for. She is one troubled mess.

      Jan 5, 2012 at 2:03 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • GayGOP
      GayGOP

      @B: The Preamble carries no weight, and, as for the General Welfare clause of the Constitution, the Supreme Court eviscerated that when John Marshall led the Court. That’s not the federal government’s job.

      Jan 5, 2012 at 2:36 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Red Meat
      Red Meat

      Good news, this bitch is out.

      Bad news, Santorum is gaining momentum and will probably beat Romney in the Bible Belt.

      Jan 5, 2012 at 3:29 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      Glad she’s gone. Now, what exactly what was she saying here? Sounds like something out of the mouth of someone in need of heavy medication.

      Jan 5, 2012 at 3:46 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • JR
      JR

      Good riddance to bad rubbish !!

      Jan 5, 2012 at 12:17 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • the other Greg
      the other Greg

      Last night, Jon Stewart showed a clip from her speech where she mentioned that Marcus had enjoyed shopping in Iowa for sunglasses for their dog, Boomer. (No kidding! – it was really in the speech.) Marcus made an embarrassed look at this.

      Jan 5, 2012 at 1:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chris
      Chris

      See through the smoke!! This cleared things up for me – http://bit.ly/xQTfod

      Jan 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jeremy
      Jeremy

      I TRULY HONESTLY don’t understand what the heck she was talking about. Man, she’s crazy but obviously so is her speech writer.

      Jan 6, 2012 at 7:32 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • The Liberty Professor
      The Liberty Professor

      Not much here in your post other than a mocking tone, but I suppose that’s par for the course in politics. I think Bachman left us with a prophetic warning about the nearness of a socialist system and our last opportunities to avoid it.

      Jan 6, 2012 at 8:39 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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