There was a time when the only conceivable way to find support as an LGBT person was to relocate to a major metropolitan area, which is one of the reasons cities like New York, Chicago, S.F. and L.A. became gay meccas.
With the internet came a new outlet for seeking the understanding and company (all be it digital company) of others who feel similarly outcast.
Still, it can be tough to be gay in a small town or rural area. We wanted to hear from some of these guys, if for no other reason than to show they aren’t alone, and that there’s a whole gay world out there to engage in.
Here are some of the stories shared on Whisper:
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Arcamenel
I’m living that hell right now and have been for a few years now. It’s not fun at all. Most would say just move but my father passed away the beginning of this year and he was unable to take care of himself before that. My mom’s health has always been up and down so I’d feel guilty if I just left my sister here to take of her alone. We can’t afford to just pack up everyone and move, nor would my mother want to leave our family home.
If I want to go to any gay friendly areas I have to drive to the bigger cities which from me are at least an hour away. It’s also the south so there is always that conservative mindset even in the bigger cities.
TheAngryFag
It’s never going to get easy until someone stands up and fights for it. In New York City it took drag queens like Marsha P. Johnson to stand up against systemic homophobia in New York City.
In this day and age of the 24 hours news cycle, social media rent-a-mobs, and the Outrage-in-a-can that can be unleashed, its even easier now to draw attention to this stuff.
michael
The solution for these guys is offered in the first sentence of the article – move to a larger city.
It doesn’t have to be S.F. or New York – any semi-liberal college town will have a gay bar and plenty of gay men to meet. I went to a state college in southern Illinois in 1973, and even then, coming out and finding a supportive gay community was fun and easy.
For those young men who are “stuck” taking care of family members, etc. – I recommend the Dan Savage approach:
spend the time working on improving yourself (gym, education, reading, developing interesting hobbies.) When the time finally comes that you can move on, you will have something to offer the men you meet – and you will attract better quality men.
Realitycheck
@michael:
Agreed, and as much as this might sound irresponsible or flaky,
for gay guys youth is the most important time, just move to a gay area
ASAP, and leave the sadness behind, my life has been a success because i did
that and more, complaining gets one nowhere, to achieve one must take a risk, and if it doesn’t work out, at least one did try.
Russ Kal Kent
Almost ALL of these hot home with me. Add growing up in the 80’s
Cesar Fortun
I never really had so much problem growing up gay arround with some narrow minded ignorant provincal people…in my time 🙂
Will Glitzern
I know it isn’t always possible, but the best thing to do is move to a large metro area. I met my partner three years after I moved, and we’ve been together almost 20 years now.
Atrius
I live in a small rural town. I hate my life here.
Giancarlo85
@michael: While I can’t stand Savage, as far as your point on moving to a better area is a great point. Cities offer better employment opportunities as long as one furthers their education. I had some issue finding better employment in the past, but found a great job with a public utility (Sempra – very pro-equality company).
I don’t recall but there is one bitter self hater on here who says we should actually move to small towns and “make changes” there. I’ll pass on that one.
Enron
If you think that’s bad, think about living in a homophobic country such as Jamaica in a rural town. Personally, I am making decisions to leave this country because I just can’t cope with the pressures of family and my community. The isolation, loneliness, the fear is just debilitating. Even if you don’t express your sexuality, it becomes a curiosity and concern of people within that community. You are in your 30s, you don’t have a girlfriend, never seen with a woman, you don’t have children. Moving to another parish is not going to solve the problem, you are just running away from the inevitable, which is people wanting to be in your business, asking questions, do you have a girlfriend, do you have children? Making up excuses and telling lies is too much.
The last time I had any any intimate relations (kissing and mutual masturbation) was at the age of 11 with a 14 year old boy.
Its rough, because I am at a stage in my life where I want intimacy and companionship. To kiss a guy, embrace him, feel his body against mine. Living here in Jamaica, in a rural community, I know I will never ever have that. My greatest fear is from my family, I have heard their views about gay people, its vile and they hate it. My sibling made his nephew stop watching a Nickelodeon cartoon for fear it might make him gay.
In Jamaica, there are expectations when a man comes of age, he gets involved in the church, finds woman, gets married and starts a family. The worst part is, there is no actual outlet or safe space for gay men to really meet and socialize. I tried contacting the local LGBT organization JFLAG and their response was disappointing. They pretty much said there is nothing they can do. There website lacks any support information. The Facebook page is a facade to act like they are doing something.
If it wasn’t for gay porn and my right hand, I probably would be mentally insane right now!
Patrick Danforth
moving….seeing gay coupls holding hands and walking down the street was still strange even for me, i wasn’t used to seeing that in the big city cuz i’m from a small town. i am accepted here but it’s still scary
Steve Porter
Been there, lived it, escaped from it
TrueWords
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xuz94ZIPfJk
Glücklich
@TrueWords:
Awesome! One of my faves!
Alex Rothwell
It’s just to bad. Moving to another place for some is easier said than done.
AtticusBennett
indeed. you see variations on these themes if you ever turn on Grindr in a smaller town – the seas of faceless profiles, “masc4mascNOFEMS, discreet a must, straight-acting, etc” – the more homophobic the straights, the more internalized homophobia in the local gays.
as much as it sucks to say “move” – here’s the deal, gay or not anyone who wants more than their small town provides needs to bail. even straight people can feel restricted by small-town “values” – note how many people have to flee to the big cities to ESCAPE those “small town values”
a “close-knit” community is only a good thing if the knit welcomes different fabrics. most, alas, do not.
if you live in a small town, your options will be limited. it’s that simple.
thing is this, too – if you leave the small town, leave the small town attitude behind as well.
having lived in major cities my whole life, i’ve seen countless young men come to the big city from a small conservative place and FAIL at being gay – meaning: they move to a place that isn’t laden with internalized-homophobia, and don’t adapt to it. the boys who move to the city and still hope and pray to “never have people know that they’re gay” – searching in vain for some elusive “boyfriend” that “isn’t too gay and people won’t be able to tell that he’s gay and he’s just like the straight people from the small town i left”
dropping the insecurities of the small town is the only way to enjoy life in the big city.
AtticusBennett
note – to any of you closeted gay guys in your small towns. you know THAT GUY in your town? the one who either is gay or is suspected? be nice to him. sometimes small town gay guys get really angry toward The Only Out Gay Guy(s) – because, you know, your shitty homophobic townspeople talk shit about him. think about him. think about what it must be like for HIM.
and talk to him. doesn’t mean you have to date him. talk to him. he’s managed to Come Out, he can help you. don’t blame the gay people who get made fun of for the shitty attitudes of your homophobic communities.
Isidro Alejo Benitez
I left a small town then moved to a bigger city. Then again, I moved back to the small town. 😀
Carlos Alejandro Bernal
Teresa N Kent Sharp
lauraspencer
#5 & #6 don’t necessarily apply to just a small town. They could apply to anywhere in the world.
Note of caution…just because you move to a big city don’t think you will easily find a boyfriend or not be lonely. I live in NYC and I know so many people who are single (gay & straight) and complain about being lonely and not fitting in. Why do you think so many gay men resort to drug abuse in big cities? They still feel like outsiders and they are trying to escape or “fit in”.
It doesn’t always get easier or BETTER as some have lead us to believe. We need to make ourselves stronger so that we can handle the difficult times. Work on improving yourself through education, health and making friends. It doesn’t always have to be about finding just one person to settle down with. Make a couple of new friends. Maybe a new hobby. Maybe a new career. A new pet. There are plenty of ways to fill your time.
Giancarlo85
@lauraspencer: You do realize isolation occurs at a far greater rate in small towns than it does in cities? I am not saying cities are sure bets, but they are a lot better for gay people than small towns.
Bert Munn
Been there
David Conan
If be the town celebrity.
Glücklich
@lauraspencer:
So true! People carping about being single is such a peeve of mine! DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOUR TIME! It doesn’t even HAVE to be something in the service of meeting “that someone.” Perhaps I’ve no credibility saying this now I’m married, but I was totally fine being single ages about 23 to 26 after dating someone for a year. Took vacations alone, ate in restaurants alone (well, with a book), movies, ballet. Loved it. I love being with my husband more but I don’t look back on those years as sad or lacking, either. Stop LOOK.ING. for someone and just be open to what is happening around you or what you would like to MAKE happen around you.
Raphael
@Giancarlo85: yes :/
Gee Rosato
I was one.
Town of 9000k people
I wasn’t out when I was there even though I knew I was different.
Surprisingly as an adult all of my schoolmates were all supportive and much more understanding than I could have imagined
Roberson Randy
I can very much relate to the immense struggle.
lauraspencer
@Giancarlo85:
Having lived in small towns (the smallest being 600 people) and the largest being NYC with millions I hear what you are saying. For me though I’ve had the same happiness throughout life because I’ve had friends, family and many other interests in life besides being gay and finding THAT ONE PERSON. I have focused on a great career that has paid me very well, wonderful vacations around the world, owning my own home, working out and being in the best shape of my life, being open to making friends and not just for dating, etc. I am truly fortunate.
I wish others could look to see how much they have in their lives rather than focusing on what they are lacking.
jason smeds
Living in a small town can be isolating but calling yourself “gay” simply adds to the isolation. For Pete’s sake, just go out and mix with the rest of society. You don’t need to call yourself anything. If you fear being found out, moderate your behavior or move town.
Look, you’re a human being first before you are gay. You have needs as a human being. These needs aren’t necessarily just about sexual identity. Don’t short-change yourself by putting yourself into the gay box, thus leading to more isolation.
Saint Law
Gays who live in small towns would struggle moving to big cities, but not as much as gays who live in tiny towns.
Think how long it would take them just to get from their front door to the curb in, say, Dallas?
Crossing the road would be an epic trek and a dangerous one. How far would they get before the lights changed?
I say this as a gay from a very tiny town indeed.
I am only able to type this by jumping from key to key.
Giancarlo85
@lauraspencer: Um quite a few gay people do not have family because they were disowned, and when they came out they lost friends. I’m not saying this happened to me (well, to a certain extent I lost a few friends but made new ones). Many, even here in LA, do not have the luxury you did when growing up. They didn’t have family around.
And many people in this country are kept down and out of opportunity. They weren’t born with opportunity and life is a struggle to make ends meet. I was pretty lucky to work for the company I am now, but it was a struggle even getting there because of the sheer competition (and that was with a college education).
Focusing on work all the time also doesn’t guarantee happiness.
@jason smeds: Oh look it’s the self hater again. For one, people are who they are. Stop telling people how they should be and how they should talk with. Maybe they just don’t relate to fake masculine closet cases like yourself.
“Don’t short-change yourself by putting yourself into the gay box, thus leading to more isolation.”
Oh so being gay and identifying as gay is a bad thing? You really are pretty fucking obvious.
Giancarlo85
@jason smeds: By the way, you’re one to talk! You haven’t had interaction with people for years… you’re on here bitching about women all the time. So how you can criticize others for feeling isolated? Who the hell are you to talk about the situation of others?
jason smeds
When you put the gay label on yourself, you are basically saying “I can only fit into one of the shelves in the library of life”. Is that what you really want to do? I mean, think about it. Do you really want to put boundaries around your own life by affiliating with the “I’m gay” notion? I’d recommend against it.
My point is that we have the gay community constantly harassing people into declaring “I’m gay” without realizing that it is seeking to impose a new regimen onto people’s lives. The best thing I ever did was to dissociate myself from the gay community, and now I’m a lot happier.
I’m simply saying that people who have homosexual feelings need to be circumspect. The gay community doesn’t always have your best interests at heart. I’m not saying you can’t meet wonderful people or have a lot of fun on the gay scene but, at the end of the day, it’s not guaranteed to put dinner on your table or provide you with a warm blanket.
Giancarlo85
@jason smeds: Oh please. You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. Identifying as gay isn’t about putting boundaries on anything. If anything, identifying as gay and moving to a big city opens new possibilities. You are clueless and self hating. We get it already. And you are not in a position to dictate how others should live.
The gay community isn’t constantly harassing anyone, except for demanding equal rights and equal treatment. You just want people to hide and live in fear of offending others.
You are not a happy person. You sound miserable throughout your desperate posts. You are desperately trying to get approval for your horrible life on here and trying to justify you are doing well for yourself, when you are not. You are a miserable wretched man who hates other people because they are who they are.
jason smeds
Giancarlo,
I have had more lovers than you ever will. Besides, I’m terribly good looking.
Evji108
With Grindr, Scruff and and online dating websites, the fact is that country gays are way better off than ever before. That hot farm boy on Jack’d may be 25 miles away, but where there’s a will, there’s dad’s pickup truck and a way. Corn fields and barns offer a lot of privacy for a bit of action too, and they are everywhere. When I was a small town boy, it was the underwear section of men’s clothing catalog and my right hand, that’s it. Just bide your time and you will get out of town and find your larger tribe, in the mean time you’d be surprised how much good stuff is to be had in the sticks.
jason smeds
Evji,
I think you are talking about men who just want to get off. These are not strictly gay men.
Giancarlo85
@jason smeds: Always a competition for you. You are an ugly little man who hasn’t had sex since the 1980s. When was the last time you were on a date? Terrible looking you mean.
Giancarlo85
@jason smeds: Not strictly gay men? Are you on drugs?
lauraspencer
@Evji108:
Excellent point! With all the technology we have today gays are quite fortunate. At least they have an outlet to know there are other people like them. They can even Skype and send photos. Before 1995 this was unheard of and gays were really cut off.
JB Sanders
Never again will I not live in a major city.
Kim Heckendorn
Small town can be hard, but it is also true, it gets better. We even still have horse and buggies going down my streets and I am pretty sure 98% if not everyone knows I am gay. But, don’t really seem to matter anymore and have even been elected to town council for 10 years now. Whatever a kid might be going through, stick it out! The tough times now will come back 10 times better later in life, if you are here to see it?
Grant Pigeon
I am the only gay in the village.
Johnny Jaqua
sad
James Kirby
I sincerely agree being gay in a small town is extremely hard and lonely I don’t believe I will ever find a boyfriend.
Lance Cardinal
place moving to also leg it yes another place easier all to u with sell know be the town AB LacLaBiche would sell, Know sent place sign
Scott Deer
I loved being a small town gay. In Piketon and Waverly Ohio, I was very popular and well liked. I stood my ground, standing up for my rights.
Michael Ray Streets
I know this for a fact. To young, thinking there are more attractive than a pot brownie, mentally challenged. It’s the country Butkus the 9 months of no ass also.
Cole Steele
No need to ask. Was one
jmvet
Being gay and moving to a metropolitan area does not always solve the issues. I grew up in an anti-gay small town and finally came out a few years ago. I moved to a larger city and found that I traded in homophobia for internal discrimination from inside the gay community. Moving to a big city doesn’t guarantee you will find a boyfriend who will treat you with dignity and respect. I dated 3 guys with completely different personalities and backgrounds and all of them cheated on me. One told me it was what gay people do to each other in big cities. I think big cities are just as bad as small towns.
James Moya
The problems are the same in small towns and big cities. The only difference is there are more gay people in larger cities.
Celtic
Having come out 47 years ago at age 24, I can identify with the fear. Sad that fear still thrives these many years later.
I suggest that gays in small town and rural ares search for gay support groups in larger nearby towns; or, major cities if they are not around where you live. Being gay is simply a normal sexual aspect of those of us who are gay. We should not be demonized, neglected or negated because we are God’s children just like all those straight folk.
Assuming most young gays have computer and Internet access these days (which surely did NOT exist in my youth!), you can reach out to many support groups and even find a boyfriend or two. Logically, when meeting someone for the first time the operative word is “Caution”. But, hey, that remains true in the “big city” too.
John P. Twigg
Bronski Beat’s Smalltown Boy is just as relevant today as it was in the 1980s. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xuz94ZIPfJk
Captain Obvious
@Evji108: I take it you don’t know anything about small town gay men from the farm stereotype… Most of us are raised conservatively and aren’t looking for hookups from phone apps.
I find gay “culture” to be a much bigger problem than the size of the area. I’ve been all over the place and unless you’re willing to conform to someone else’s beliefs you basically won’t fit in in either place. In small towns you have to hide the fact that you’re gay and in gay ghettos you have to act like the biggest queen around or marry a gym membership.
When do you get to be yourself? The lonely gay men are the ones trying to be themselves. There aren’t really any places for gay men who aren’t putting on a show to fit in somewhere.
It irks me to no end how much pressure there is by gay men in cities on newly out young gay men to act extremely feminine even if that’s not who they are or their personality type. If you don’t act feminine you get accused of being uncomfortable with your own sexuality. They’re trying to define you and make you act like them… just like the homophobic tiny town you ran away from in the first place.
Way too many people don’t see the irony in that.
I think the folks to said make friends really hit the nail on the head. You’ll have a better chance of finding a conservative guy raised the way you were through friends than in some gay club or on a nasty app.
Be aware that if you waste your money running to a big city you won’t run into too many guys who are as innocent as you. And if you really pay close attention to the many many MANY queens running around having “fit in” you’ll find many over 40 still on the prowl entirely single. Coming from a small town you’re probably looking for a husband, picket fence, and a kid. Good luck getting that living in West Hollywood or Boystown(you’d probably win the actual lottery sooner). Gay ghettoes are even smaller than your small town, sometimes they’re only a street. Don’t believe the hype, save your time, and your money. I did 10 years of research for you and got out with some of my youth left in tact.
You’re not the only gay man in your area even if you think you are. There are plenty of conservative gay men around, you just have to look harder. There are gay groups in plenty small towns that do charity work and have meet and greets. That’s a lot easier and less costly than spending your last cent to move to an overpriced city hoping to find a man who isn’t out of touch with the world outside of his gay ghetto.
Don’t use Grindr, try something “archaic” like match.com if you have to use the internet.
I live in one of the most conservative states in the US and get hit on extremely often here by hot cornfed men, but in those “gay meccas” I was either ignored, fresh meat for cons(this is the biggest thing you need to be wary of), or they just wanted to bang me. Your mileage may vary but your marital status will not. Be warned, try your small town rather than running from it. If it’s too small then try the next larger town. Remember you weren’t raised in the city therefore you won’t find too many people you’re actually interested in in the city.
Just because you’re gay and the other guy(s) is(are) gay does not mean you’ll have anything in common.
onthemark
@jason smeds: “but, at the end of the day, [identifying as gay is] not guaranteed to put dinner on your table or provide you with a warm blanket.”
Aw, that’s sweet, and now we have a new nickname for you… LINUS!
Giancarlo85
@Captain Obvious: LOL spoken like a truly miserable little man who lives out in the middle nowhere. You were the one telling us we should move to small towns and make changes. I don’t think so.
We get it… you’re a lonely man because that is your choice. And this has nothing to do with fitting in… try to be social for once if you can.
Celtic
@Captain Obvious: Excellent post. I wrote one, but Queerty said is was “posting too fast” and my remarks were not posted. Ah, well. Here goes again.
I grew up on a small farm in Maryland surrounded by much larger farms. Even before reaching puberty I was “mesmerized” by hot men with well-formed asses. In spite of that it did not go much of anywhere. However, one of the best sex moments was when a married man from church topped me in the middle of an alfalfa field in early June when I was just 17. We played on a few more times. Then I enlisted in the Military.
“Corn fed/mild bred” farm boys should never be discounted. Even guys with girlfriends with wives enjoy a periodic tussle with another guy. Some bottom, some top and some do it all!
I grew up in the 1950s, so being “gay” did not compute because “gay” meant something entirely different. I was sexually stoic during Military service, and came out 2 years after discharge at age 24. Would love to be in an area where those taut-muscled farm boys thrive, even at my Daddy age!
Eloweez Rainbowz
Amen. Preach it! It really is hard! And if some of u think its easy. Well bless ur heart I glad the people ur town know how to act. Not everybody does!!!
DavidIntl
When I was in those adolescent formative years, I too was living in small, ultraconservative communities – and yes, it was tough. Professional considerations then took me to a number of much more progressive world-class cities around the world, and I have no regrets.
Now, hopefully with time the situation will improve for guys everywhere, but if I were in that situation now, I wouldn’t hold my breath. My advice to those rural guys would be to take full advantage of the online scene, and be prepared to relocate. I met my last boyfriend online, developed a relationship, traveled to meet several times, and ultimately helped him to relocate to the big city. Sadly we didn’t work out for a variety of reasons, but he is happily established in new, far more positive life than he had before. There are many of us out there who really are looking for that perfect match, and willing to overcome geographical hurdles to make it happen.
seaguy
I grew up in a small town where I was bullied for being gay called a fag, tinkerbell, so I hate small towns and am a city person now. Growing up gay in small towns you have few role models, are more prone to be harassed or discriminated against or your the token gay, and personally I would rather not be the towns token gay guy.
notevenwrong
@Captain Obvious, I call bullcrap.
Can you tell me in which city you are being pressured to be effeminate? In my experience effeminate guys are looked down upon by a majority of city gays too.
AtticusBennett
@Captain Obvious: you’re never going to find happiness, because you never outgrew your small-town mentality. you can’t bring the fears of a broken cowardly boy with you when you enter the big city. that’s why your life has failed.
OhHellNo
As soon as you can, get out of that small town. I felt more at home in 5 minutes in my new home in a city than I felt in 26 years in the tiny town of hellbillies I grew up in. A guy told everyone I was gay in junior high and I was tortured for it, and everyone there was too stupid to wonder how this guy knew. (Maybe it was because he blew me at least once a week for 10 years.)
Billysees
‘Times They Are a-Changin’ sang Bob Dylan. That’s more true today than ever before.
Look for ‘better days’ to happen in your life.
I was lucky in that I had mutual masturbation experiences from several childhood friends that lasted for several years. I was never alone in my sexuality but eventually those friends went off and got married. I then went public with my sexuality and enjoyed making friends from the ‘bar scene’. Thank God for the bar scene.
Never forget that you’re really not alone at all, but you’ll need to make friends with all the guys you can and get closer and closer to the ones you like the most and you’ll be surprised what good ‘sexual friendships’ can happen that’ll last many years.
Patrick Crawford
That’s so sad. The only advice I have for these guys is to apply for college 3000 miles away from your home town and never look back.
Michael Miller
Depressing. I live in a rural area in Arkansas, and I’ve been out for 15 years now. I love the rural lifestyle, though as with anywhere it has it’s pros and cons. This is a majority conservative Christian and gun toting Republican area, stereotypical redneck bible belt south. But myself I’ve never really had any issues here. Being Gay for me is just one aspect of my personal life, I don’t hide it and at the same time I’m not obtuse with it. I’m not out to make a statement but to live my life. Most people here respect that whether they agree with my life or not. And likewise I leave them to their ways and lives and opinions, UNLESS they bring it up and make an issue of it.
Before I came out I resembled many of the statements in Queerty’s article, until I realized that my prison and demons were mostly self created. I found that a lot of the homophobia I experienced as a kid was a reaction to me trying to be something that I wasn’t, that was what made me stand out to them consciously/unconsciously. Had I just owned it they would have dealt with it and moved on. Kids are mean and nit pick every little oddity like a bunch of crows. Still, even then I didn’t experience as much outright homophobia as one would expect. There is plenty of unspoken or “whispered” prejudice I am sure, but I do not care about that in the slightest. Lord help them if they voice it or express it within my ear shot! But so far, 15 years on, small town life is just what it’s always been and I love it.
Randy Hudnutt
Tell me about it!