Bill Hemmer's Heterosexuality Breaks Our Nonexistent Heart
 

We've lusted after former CNN anchor turned Fox Newser Bill Hemmer for - well, for far too long to admit. Our fantasies came crashing down this morning, however, when a reader sent us this very official missive:

Dear Queerty:
So, Bill Hemmer of Fox News Channel made it official this morning during his news program that he has a girlfriend!! In fact he took her to the top of the Empire State building yesterday, and proudly pulled out his cell phone while live on the air, found her picture on his cell phone and forced it in front of the camera for the world to see the lovely Mrs. future Hemmer.

His co-host of America's Newsroom, Megyn Kelly seemed shocked and amazed by stating "that doesn't sound like you"! I guess Mr. Murdock or Roger Ailes have finally figures out (and straighten out) Hemmers sexuality for him.

Finally!

Thank God we now all now know Mr. Hemmer is straight. Now I can sleep well now knowing there is no future for he and I!!

While this Boston-based reader may be sleeping well, we're vowing never, ever to sleep again. In fact, we'll never eat again, breath again or blink again. Our future has never seemed so bleak - or short. Why, Bill Hemmer? Why?!

 
Comments (17)

No. 1 · drunkonsweetolive

Damn it all to hell!!After all that waking up early in the morning everyday and his punk ass has a girlfriend. Guess I'll just watch MSNBC. Dan Abrams is still single, right??!!??

Posted: Jan 28, 2008 at 12:23 pm
No. 2 · Wolfie

Hey Dan Abram's is a cutie. IMO its a trade up

Posted: Jan 28, 2008 at 1:23 pm
No. 3 · lamptopper

He's been with this girlfriend for 3 years. It's nothing new.

Posted: Jan 28, 2008 at 3:12 pm
No. 4 · hells kitchen guy

He's the only reason to watch Fox.

Posted: Jan 28, 2008 at 3:20 pm
No. 5 · pc

Abrams is straight too guys. Better go back to Anderson Cooper.

Posted: Jan 28, 2008 at 3:57 pm
No. 6 · biscaynebiker

Gimme CNN anchor TJ Holmes. All those others are just pretty boy talking heads.

Posted: Jan 28, 2008 at 5:09 pm
No. 7 · afrolito

T.J Holmes is one of the few reasons I still suffer through CNN. He is HOT!

Posted: Jan 28, 2008 at 5:52 pm
No. 8 · james_boston

i third t.j. holmes…the boy is hot. in fact, cnn has two really hot black anchors (i forget the other guy's name) and one smokin' italian, rob marciano (even tho he's a complete himbo unlike t.j. and the other guy…they moved him from doing weather to reading the news…i guess they figured out where their bread is buttered but he can barely read the teleprompter and talk at the same time, not that i care. when i want real news, i go online anyway.)

Posted: Jan 28, 2008 at 6:23 pm
No. 9 · Bitch Republic

Just because a guy has a "girlfriend" or even wife, doesn't mean they're not gay. Just look at Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. I still think he's a homo.

http://www.BitchRepublic.net

Posted: Jan 28, 2008 at 9:41 pm
No. 10 · Nitesurf

Anderson, TJ and Don are the hottest newsmen. Hemmer doesn't even come close. And he's on Faux which is unforgivable.

Posted: Jan 29, 2008 at 5:58 am
No. 11 · CarolinaGuy

Hemmer is a 6 compared to Rob Marciano. (In my book, Rob is a total 10+). I think I would just about do anything for one night with Rob demonstrating his weather-pointer abilities on me!!!

http://www.reportercaps.com/Ho.....rciano.php

Posted: Jan 29, 2008 at 11:49 am
No. 12 · Doh!

Reader twisted the segment.

Posted: Jan 29, 2008 at 1:52 pm
No. 13 · Jake

PC,
Abrams is SO not straight! And thank God, I'd marry him tomorrow!!! Nice try though MSNBC staff.

Posted: Jan 30, 2008 at 12:19 am
No. 14 · OCF

I think the hottest of them all is Bill Hemmer by far…He is HOT

Posted: Jun 4, 2008 at 6:27 pm
No. 15 · OCF

ABRAMS IS GAY? He is an ASS

Posted: Jun 4, 2008 at 6:31 pm
No. 16 · Gregg

I think Bill Hemmer is SOOOOOO hot and am still holding out hope!

Posted: Jul 26, 2008 at 12:09 pm
No. 17 · Peter

Bill Hemmer is totally gay because He checked me out about 4 years ago in front of Virgin Records on 14th street and he even smiled at me. Trust me we locked eyes,,he is soooooooooooooooooooo gay

Posted: Jul 28, 2008 at 12:56 pm
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