While the rest of our government found a meh solution to the debt-ceiling crisis, the defenders of the Defense of Marriage Act—house speaker John Boehner and Bi-Partisan Legal Advisory Group lawyer Paul Clement—combined their question-dodging and gay-bashing skills to answer the legal questions put before them by a federal judge. Their response came in the form of an incredibly crappy brief filled with tired, homophobic reasoning. When you read it, you’ll wanna fill your briefs with crap as well.
Think Progress boiled down BLAG’s arguments into five point. We’ve amended each one to gauge their level of idiocy:
1. GAYS HAVE NOT HISTORICALLY FACED DISCRIMINATION: Never mind the 30-page brief filed by the Department of Justice outlining the many instances of institutionalized homophobia on the state and federal level throughout the history of the United States. And make no mind about that insignificant scribble called The Bible with its “abomination” passages that have been used to justify queer-bashing for centuries. Gays only started facing discrimination, like, last Tuesday.
2. SEXUAL ORIENTATION IS A CHOICE: Just like heterosexuality. Every straight person in America consciously chose to be straight. Only a defiant minority chose homosexuality, you know, because it’s cool. Seriously, gents. Even the leader of the anti-gay hate group Focus on the Family thinks that same-sex attraction is not a choice. Are you calling Tony Perkins a liar?
3. GAYS HAVE PLENTY OF POLITICAL POWER: Ironically their proof that gays have political power includes the DADT repeal and the advance of marriage equality in states like New York. Which is exactly why we must uphold DOMA and stop the advance of marriage equality in states like New York.
4. SAME-SEX COUPLES MAKE BAD PARENTS: Nevermind that the American Psychological Association says that there’s no discernible difference between children raised by gay couples and kids raised by straight couples. Everyone knows straights make better parents. Just look at Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala—their kids turned out great! Or the parents of Lyle and Erik Menendez!
5. THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE MUST BE PROTECTED: Forget divorce, adultery, bad sex, miscommunication and dishonesty. The government must attack the true threat to marriage—the homos! Their argument basically says that we shouldn’t “redefine” marriage as an institution for anything other than child-rearing because that would destabilize something that already has a 50-50 success rate. That also means that all you childless, infertile old heteros shouldn’t really be allowed to marry either. Amazeballs.
The Bi-Partisan Legal Advisory Group decided to defend DOMA via a 3-2 vote with Republicans (Boehner, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy) on one side and Democrats (House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and House Minority Whips Steny Hoyer) on the other. Lets hope that each Republican gets bludgeoned with these shoddy arguments stolen straight out of the National Organization for Marriage’s handbook.
BTW, did we mention that you taxpayers are paying for this amazing legal treatise?