We Queertians may dig dudes, but we’re all about beautiful women. Yes, women - not girls, not chicks, not babes. Women. Our colleague Cord Jefferson explains:

The problem with the term “beautiful girl” is that girls are rarely, if ever, beautiful. Girls are pretty and girls are cute — and that’s fine because there’s a time and place for cute (the age 16 and prom, respectively) — but they’re not beautiful. Women are beautiful. Women are sexy. Now, prepare yourself for some of the most beautiful, sexy, vagina-possessing specimens this side of Uranus…

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A reader sent us this video of regular Joes sticking it to Mr. Tom Cruise.

And, yes, more than a few people mention his dubious sexuality - one woman insists that Cruise practices Scientology’s deep commitment to racial equality: “He sucks black cock, he sucks Indian cock…”

Stars really are just like us!

Meanwhile, in other Cruise-tastic news, the kids over at Gawker features an uproarious video: Tom Cruise On Tom Cruise, Gay.

Dame Shirley Bassey got her birthday started this weekend with some muscular men - and Santa. It’s good to know that the soon-to-be 70-year old singer can still get naughty.

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We didn’t get a chance to “read” September’s Playgirl, but it sure does look like CSI: Miami actor Marcus Patrick let it mostly hang out.

Ain’t that sweet? Lindsay Lohan’s fresh outta rehab and hamming it up with dear old dad! Months of detox didn’t take the starlet’s sense of humor. She describes her third stint in a year: “It was a sobering experience.” Oh, zinger!

Lohan’s exclusive (!) interview with OK does take a serious turn when she confesses: “I hit rock bottom. Everything in my life came to a point where I had to make a decision.” Yeah, we go to rehab every time we have to make a decision, too.

Meanwhile, aforesaid father Michael’s got a new lady friend. And, shocker, she looks like a future version of dear daughter Lindsay.

Frightful!

In conjunction with yesterday’s A-List Outing Imminent?, we’d like to share excerpts from a long-winded, painfully detailed email sent to Jonathan Jaxson regarding Jake Gyllenhaal.

In addition to perpetuating rumors of the actor’s anal-inclinations, this “source” offers some particularly outlandish speculation: Jake Gyllenhaal has been dating the same guy for years. Last year Jake and his bf were arrested and brought into the West Hollywood station after the sheriffs office was called after catching Jake and his bf having sex in an SUV behind the restaurant Chin Chins in LA. Both were later released.
…
Jake and his bf are currently expecting a baby through a surrogate. They used a company based in Westwood, CA. The … Continued…

Despite the fact that she hasn’t released an album in years, Britney Spears again lands an OK! magazine cover this month. And, from the looks of it, lil Brit’s getting a little lesbianic. Not only do sources say the pop-star got down and funky with her female assistant, Shannon Funk: Britney’s quick tryst with Matt Encinias made headlines, but the music-video extra wasn’t the real target of Brit’s affection that night. OK! has learned that Britney spent the evening topless, nuzzling up to her former assistant Shannon Funk! “Instead of hooking up with him, [Shannon] ended up back in Brit’s room and bed,” a source tells OK!. Britney has been experimenting with … Continued…

1987 proved to be an explosive year. The Unabomber exploded at least two bombs, The Simpsons exploded onto The Tracy Ullman Show, Typhoon Nina exploded into the Phillipines, taking over a thousand lives. More importantly, Dolph Lundgren exploded onto the big screen as He-Man. This development, of course, led to many an exploding trouser.
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Brad Pitt’s prick be magic. The superstar’s equally stellar lady, Angelina Jolie, told French mag, Public she’s quit clit for Pitt: “I’ve never hidden my bisexuality. But since I’ve been with Brad, there’s no longer a place for that or S&M in my life.” Someone better tell Jolie’s former lesbian lover, Jenny Shimizu. The model and actress once told The Sun,
There has never been an ending to her and I. I think there never will be. I think we will continue to have a deep relationship. It really does go beyond just the sex. Poor Shimizu may want to think again.

So, does Pitt worry Jolie will stray? She did, after all, break up his … Continued…

It’s been a while since we last took a stab at blowing up someone’s g-spot (gay spot, silly). Thankfully, Gatecrasher offers us a bit of head scratching fun: Which Sapphic starlet employed her lover as an “assistant” to explain why they always went out together? Hmm, two suspects stand out in our little minds and both are equally, arrestingly outrageous.

Any guesses, attractive readers?

All that politics sure can make one’s head spin. Let’s take things down a notch with a little frivolous gossip, shall we? Which rocker half of a married couple had a steady boyfriend for years before his headline-making nuptials with his famous girlfriend? Jesus, not even a cryptic clue? We’re not sure we have the brain power for this one. What about you, readers??

Missy Elliot celebrated her 36th birthday in the Hampton’s this weekend. Obviously the hip-hopstress wanted to record every moment, because she couldn’t open her eyes to save her life. We wonder why…

Despite the heavy lids, Elliot still had looked pimpish posing with a young lady simply described as “a guest”. She also posed with TLC’s C: Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas. Both women, we have to say, look fantastic.

Meanwhile, keep your peepers peeled for Elliot’s new album, which will drop, like a musical miracle, later this summer.

The Backstreet Boys may be gone from the charts, but they’re hardly forgotten. Well, not in 25-year old Tony. The unemployed bachelor lives in his parent’s basement, which also doubles as a shrine to the recently revived (minus Kevin Richardson) boy band. If you’ve ever wanted to feel better about your secret, dated crush on Nick Carter, now’s your chance.

Also, just in case you guys want to experience the Boys’ new single, complete with nostalgic montage, we’ve included it. After the jump, of course…
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James Small and other South African celebrities are breathing a bit easier today. The mystery “rent boy” responsible for naming “closeted” clients has taken down his lusty list after five of his targets threatened legal action.

Calling himself “Skye”, the blogger apologized to the gay community and his victims. He goes on to insist he wasn’t out to hurt anybody: I wanted to stop the selfish treatment inflicted on male sex-workers by well known people. I didn’t make any money or profit out of this and I have pulled out of a contract to take part in a TV programme.

I am convinced that in time people will see that what I started doing was the … Continued…

After all the attention Jared Leto received last week when he announced – over IM, no less – that he as gay as a goose, AfterElton files an update after some legwork: Jared was “just kidding,” according to his publicist Robin Baum. Baum, we should note, also represents Russell Crowe, and we all know how true her words were when it came to a certain phone throwing incident.

IS JARED LETO GAY AS A GOOSE OR JUST A GOOSE? [AfterElton]
Earlier: Morning Goods: Jared Leto (Gay As A Goose)