We've got some good news and some bad news.

We'll give you the good news first: Jake Gyllenhaal is in the market for an assistant. Like, totally a wet dream come true, right? Well, wrong. At least for most of you.

You see, rather than hiring on merit alone, the Brokeback Mountain actor has a bit of queer requirement: ladies only.

Wait, isn't that reverse sexism?!

Jake Gyllenhaal, Heidi Klum, David Space, Jamie Foxx, and Posh don't know how they will survive.

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• Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger did (not) make an unsurprising revelation today: the titular Terminator from the action franchise does dudes. His evil deeds in the first movie stem from an unresolved relationship with a 19-year old golf buggy:

He is so tormented because everyone expects him to live up to the tough-guy, robot stereotype and either make love to women or dismember them with a chainsaw.

"If you watch the first film closely it's obvious that what he really wants to do is kill Sarah Connor as quickly as possible so that he can get back 2029, mix a jug of margaritas and really sort out his personal life.

The Terminator drinks margaritas? There go years of fantasy. Sigh.

• Anti-gay Republican Patrick McHenry's finances sure are queer.

• Jim Neal, who's fighting Elizabeth Dole in the North Carolina Senatorial election, confirms that he does dudes.

• Is New York's Splash Bar suing The New York Times Co. for defamation?

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Just when we hoped the Brokeback Mountain jokes would go away, OK! claims Heath Ledger's "in talks" for a sequel to his gay cowboy drama.

Although we won't be seeing his pal Jake Gyllenhaal, 26, Heath Ledger, 28, is currently in negotiations to reprise his role as Ennis. "It will follow the nasty process of being openly gay in 1963 Wyoming, an insider tells OK!.� "Ennis will finally come out of the closet."

First, that sounds kind of like bullshit. Two, what exactly is the "nasty process of being openly gay in 1963"?

Harnessing their journalistic imaginations, the OK! staffers end by suggesting Ennis find a new profession with the Village People. The wit!

Meredith Vieira needs to keep her mind out of the gutter - and the anus. The Today show host hosted Jake Gyllenhaal this morning to hype his new movie, Rendition.

Naturally, a conversation about torture slid into a queer exchange about Brokeback Mountain:

MV: Talk about movies with a heart: Brokeback Mountain. Did you have any idea when you were making that what you were sitting on, so to speak? So to speak - I probably shouldn't use that term, actually. I apologize.

JG: Wow! Uh -

MV: You make this movie and - wow - I'm sorry…

JG: Very well put, Meredith.

Huh? We don't get it…Oh, because he gets fucked in the butt in Brokeback…sitting on…oh, Vieira, you clever, nasty bird!

In his new film Rendition, Jake Gyllenhaal plays a CIA agent whose colleagues have a taste for torture. So, what does the 26-year old actor think about heavy-handed government agents? Um, well…we're not sure. It sounds to us like he's kinda, sorta into it…

In this interview with Showbiz Tonight, the actor employs some tortuous, torturous language to avoid the torture question.

In conjunction with yesterday's A-List Outing Imminent?, we'd like to share excerpts from a long-winded, painfully detailed email sent to Jonathan Jaxson regarding Jake Gyllenhaal.

In addition to perpetuating rumors of the actor's anal-inclinations, this "source" offers some particularly outlandish speculation:

Jake Gyllenhaal has been dating the same guy for years. Last year Jake and his bf were arrested and brought into the West Hollywood station after the sheriffs office was called after catching Jake and his bf having sex in an SUV behind the restaurant Chin Chins in LA. Both were later released.
…
Jake and his bf are currently expecting a baby through a surrogate. They used a company based in Westwood, CA. The baby is due in September.

Of all the rumors we've heard over the years, this one may be the most ridiculous.

A famous, "closeted" man getting arrested for public sex and having a child, a child the world could never know lest he blow his cover? Give us a fucking break.

Gossip mongers seem to think an A-list actor's about to be outed:

Which TOP Hollywood actor has played a gay character in the past and has recently been linked to a top actress? I was honestly shocked to find out the facts of this man's personal life, maybe you will be too. Wait to see who it is on Monday!

Most folk say Jake Gyllenhaal, who's reportedly smooching Reese Witherspoon, but that wouldn't be much a surprise. Welcome news, yes, but certainly no shocker. Thoughts?

Stefan Olsdal and Brian Malko weren't the only boys locking lips this weekend.

Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Farrell got down and dirty - no, seriously, they were down on the ground getting dirty - when they received their MTV Movie Best Kiss Award for their smooch in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. As AfterElton points out, this marks the second year in a row that two men have won the honor. Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger took home the prize last year for their gay lovin' in Brokeback Mountain.

Take a peek at the Cohen/Farrell make-out session, after the jump.

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All week long, new best friends Jake Gyllenhaal, Lance Armstrong, and Matthew McConaughey have been spotted in matching spandex. Sure, McConaughey might be hurting his workouts by binge drinking, but riding alongside Jake is a good way for Lance to forget ex-fiance Sheryl Crow is telling all to Vanity Fair. Bending down in front of Jake, meanwhile, is a good way to get our attention. There's more if you're willing to click.

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• Marc Jacobs seems to be back with rent-a-boyfriend Jason Preston, at least for now. The twosome were spotted at Therapy in New York with, of all people, porn star maestro Michael Lucas. [Page Six]

• When it comes to celebs coming out of the closet, Jake Gyllenhaal and Vin Diesel are, not surprisingly, at the top of the list of gambling odds. [Gambling 911]

• Jennifer Lopez made good on rumors she'd be the surprise guest at Dance On The Pier. [Perez Hilton]

• We've never listened to Fall Out Boy, but there's no reason we can't check out one the band member's own cock shots. BTW, love the Morrissey album. Nice gay touch. [Jossip]

• If you missed last night's Project Runway finale (a dutiful gay would have been glued to his/her TV set at 10 last night), The Malcontent has an extensive wrap-up. [The Malcontent]

• Andy gives us yet another opportunity to ogle a half-naked Jake Gyllenhaal. [Towleroad]

• Our favorite queer rocker, Michael van London (he’s beautiful, nice, and talented, what more could you ask for?), will be giving those queers in West Hollywood a reason to travel North of Santa Monica Boulevard. He’s playing the Sunset Strip next week. [Michael Van London Official Site]

• The Church that is the final resting place for John Adams and his son, John Quincy, will get to hang a pro same-sex marriage banner outside of its entrance after all. [Bay Windows]

• Peter Bacanovic relocated from New York to LA, and like most people who do, he ended up a failure and an escort. [NY Post]

• Jake Gyllenhaal popped up behind numerous stars at some of the Oscar parties a couple of nights ago. We just wish he would just get behind us one of these days. [Towleroad]

• No, it isn’t related to Confessions on a Dance Floor, but Confessions of a Mormon Boy is hosting a gay singles night next week. [Broadway World]

• Finally a magazine for gays and lesbians in Northern Ireland! But come, naming it Icon?! [Gay.com]

• Ashley Cole is pissed that his name has been linked to the word "gay" on Google. Of course this is all due to his being linked to his alleged participation in gay orgies and shoving a cell phone up his ass. [The Times Online]

• Are these pics of Jake Gyllenhaal and a friend out for a walk completely innocent or do they scream gay, gay, gay? We're not telling you what to believe. We'll let the pictures speak for themselves. [The Gilded Moose]

• When will the world learn to accept that most trannies are completely harmless. Especially grandmotherly schoolteacher trannies. [CNN]

• The BBC has been accused of being homophobic, truly making the queer-friendly Little Britain the only gay in the BBC village. [The Advocate]

• No surprise here. "Brokeback," the word on the lips of all queers and straights, is the Hollywood word of the year. [Jossip]

• Since Brokeback Mountain has been responsible for the word of the year, we think now is the perfect time for everyone to receive a quick tutorial on the history of gay cowboys. [Film Experience]