Pop quiz, hot shot! If actress Katie Holmes says she wants to be stuck in an elevator with “Tom and Suri” and also describes her heaven as “falling in love with Tom and our daughter,” how long does the elevator have to stay stuck before Holmes finds heaven? [MG]

Madonna and Gucci teamed up last night to raise controversial moolah for UNICEF and African nation Malawi. And, as you can see, all the big names were there. While we weren’t in attendance (our invitation must have gotten lost in the mail), our sources tell us everyone had a gay old time. Except for Gwyneth Paltrow, whose silk bow reportedly tried to decapitate the actress.

Function over form?
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• From “Abigail’s X-Rated Teen Diary”: “Vote John McCain, but do it quickly! He could be dead tomorrow.”

• Amy Winehouse dragged to rehab after crack video. And her hair’s black again!

&bull: Some enterprising schmuck has posted a Brokeback Mountain oil painting on eBay. Bid: $2,500. That’s gross. And the painting’s ugly.

• New research shows that same-sex couples “are just as committed in their relationships as heterosexuals and the legal status of their union doesn’t impact their happiness”. Because we’re so gay!

• Police dispatcher behind teenaged swim team porn site pics.
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• Brainwashing does wonders for a woman! Katie Holmes looked stunning at last night’s Mad Money premiere, but one wonders why her stylist couldn’t find a more fitting shoe.

• Fashion Island!

• Terrorists target gay Parisian mayor Bertrand Delanoe; police probing.
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• We don’t know how long this witch montage took, but pointy hats off to the creator! Oh, and great Eartha Kitt song!

• Chris Crocker wants to be Britney Spears: crotch flashing and all. Warning, this shit ain’t cute. Nor is it safe for work.

• Cuban queers form rights group.

• This is fucked up! The Federal Emergency Management Agency (aka FEMA) held a fake press conference about the California fires. Again, fucked up.
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Alright, not necessarily gay news - unless you consider Tom Cruise’s beard “news” - but can take a second to address life’s biggest mystery: “What the hell has TC done with Katie Holmes?”

Here you see the famous couple in St. Tropez - well, Tom Cruise and a glassy-eyed figure which appears to be Katie Holmes. Sure, Holmes’ fashion’s dope, she’s got more money than God, a beautiful daughter and more press than almost anyone, but one can’t help but wonder if we were right and Cruise stole her brain.

Or maybe her brain’s intact, but has been forcibly vegetated by some special scientological cocktail. Either way, we feel for her, because obviously she … Continued…

It was a hodge podge of Who’s Who in Hollywood last night as A-listers and Blisters came together in welcoming David and Victoria Beckham to America.

Super clique Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Becks, Posh, Jada and Will Smith led the crowd into Los Angeles’ Museum of Contemporary Art. The not-as-selective-as-we-imagined guest list included a big looking Lil Kim, Little Britain’s Matt Lucas, Eva Pigford, Eva Longoria, Posh’s fellow Spice Girl, Mel B, Stevie Wonder and, for some reason, Jon Voight.

Check out some more pics, after the jump.
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Ain’t nothing like a good tonic after a post like that last one. Good thing we stumbled upon TMZ’s photogenic coverage of an - um - enthusiastic David Beckham after Real Madrid’s latest win. Thanks, Becks, we needed that…

In other news from the Beckham Universe, rumor has it he and the Mrs. may be snatching up Madonna’s LA pad. They don’t, after all, want to be homeless when he moved to play for LA Galaxy.

Seaking of the Mrs - that walking horror fest known otherwise as Victoria and/or Posh, she’s signed on to style Tom Cruise and Katie Kate Holmes Cruise for … Continued…

We’ve said it before and we’ll probably say it again: poor Katie Holmes. Not only has she been zombified, used as a womb for Tom Cruise’s miracle baby, but now the date for her nuptials to the looney movie-star has been set.

Mark your calendars, ladies and germs: Ms. Holmes will become Mrs. Katie (Sorry, Kate) Cruise on November 18th in Italy. Dressed in Armani, Holmes will go through the traditional Scientology ceremony of having her brain officially removed and replaced with cotton candy, pebbles, and a severe distaste for reality.

On the plus-side, once the “loving” couples reaches the end of the publicity contract (oh, please, you know it’s … Continued…

After months of nay-saying, second guessing, and general cynicism, here’s at least some sort of proof that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are raising a child together. Gorgeous, no? Too bad we still have no proof that the little tyke is actually theirs.

We still suspect one of the original - and surprisingly believable - story: the baby came from L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm. Regardless of her origins, she’s a cute kid. Look at that preternatural head of hair! Just gaze into those eerie, all-encompassing eyes.

Yeah, the great Shiloh/Suri showdown for Earth’s soul may be years away, but it’s good to know your enemy early. … Continued…

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes “relationship” had a rocky day, when Life & Style reported the couple had split, followed by, just a few hours later, your standard publicist denial. Why the split? Sexuality, of course, had nothing to do with it. We at Queerty fully support Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields and his repeated assertion that “Tom Cruise is not gay.” (We hope his secretary has a keyboard shortcut for that phrase because the girl probably has carpal tunnel from typing that thing over and over).

In reference to a forthcoming cover story in the tabloid magazine Life & Style about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it should be known … Continued…

• The Britney and Kevin sex tape is up for auction. Real or fake, we think we should be paid $1,000,000 to see Kevin Federline bare ass naked. Not the other way around. [My E Bid]

• Gay English and Welsh couples are now allowed to adopt little rugrats of their own. [Reuters UK]

• We don’t think the rumors about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ baby being the reincarnated gay son of L. Ron Hubbard are true. That would imply that the baby might actually be Cruise’s. [NY Post].

• Our favorite political ally, Barney Frank, comes out swinging against the army for not doing enough about queer … Continued…

• The KKK rallied for the same-sex marriage ban in Bush country over the weekend. Instead of getting decked out in their trademark sparkling white hoods they dressed in black clothes carrying wooden shields and wore confederate flag bandanas. A much warmer look for them.

• It seems like Tom Cruise’s sis wasn’t doing a good job selling us on he and scientologist-to-be, Katie Holmes’s romance. So the loving brother sacked her. The tough job now falls on a new PR guru. We wish him good luck. He’ll need it.

• First hurricanes, now the war in Iraq. Apparently we gays are responsible for just about every tragic event in the world … Continued…

• New kidney recipient Steven Cojocaru apparently speaks for his mom: “I think for a mother to sit back and watch her child in pain is the worst kind of nightmare imaginable.” Um, isn’t that something that should be coming out of her mouth?

• For those boyfriend-less queens who also enjoy cuddling with dismembered body parts we present to you the item at the top of your gift list: the plush boyfriend arm pillow. Yeah, creepy as all shit.

• A California woman claims she was refused to be artificially inseminated by her doctors because she’s a lesbian. She’s suing them and the case might end up in the … Continued…

• Anderson Cooper (the only reason we ever watch CNN) gets a book deal that will “deal with the last year of [his] life as a journalist and human being in Sri Lanka, Africa, Iraq and Louisiana/Mississippi.” No word on if it will cover the gay human being part.

• Some fire-happy teens tore down and burned an amalgam of Old Glory and the rainbow flag because they thought it was “unpatriotic.” Apparently ripping down private property, dousing it with kerosene, and then dropping a match is the American way.

• Reach out and touch Arjan. He has Depeche Mode’s entire new album available to stream.

• Katie Holmes’s parents are more … Continued…