Rosie O’Donnell appears on Rachael Ray’s television show tomorrow and breaks the heart-breaking news that she’s no longer in love with Tom Cruise, her famed straight crush. And she coldly told him via email: “Tom knows, I wrote him an e-mail: ‘Sorry it’s happened, I didn’t think it would.’” That’ll learn Cruise not to be such a raving lunatic. [MSNBC]

Legendarily straight Tom Cruise apparently can’t even handle being mentioned in a gay book! Former Village Person Randy Jones‘ new biography included an eighties-era anecdote involving him and Tom, but the actor’s people had it removed. How queer. “Tom and I had the same management company at the time,” Jones told me at the new Bowery hot spot Antik. “I met him at a party Andy Warhol threw for Peter Gatien’s Limelight [nightclub offshoot] in Atlanta.”

To hear Jones tell the story, it was quite a party. But after calls went out to a spokeswoman and attorney for the Mission: Impossible star yesterday, the book’s editor assured me that Cruise’s name had been removed … Continued…

Pop quiz, hot shot! If actress Katie Holmes says she wants to be stuck in an elevator with “Tom and Suri” and also describes her heaven as “falling in love with Tom and our daughter,” how long does the elevator have to stay stuck before Holmes finds heaven? [MG]

Madonna and Gucci teamed up last night to raise controversial moolah for UNICEF and African nation Malawi. And, as you can see, all the big names were there. While we weren’t in attendance (our invitation must have gotten lost in the mail), our sources tell us everyone had a gay old time. Except for Gwyneth Paltrow, whose silk bow reportedly tried to decapitate the actress.

Function over form?
… Continued…

• From “Abigail’s X-Rated Teen Diary”: “Vote John McCain, but do it quickly! He could be dead tomorrow.”

• Amy Winehouse dragged to rehab after crack video. And her hair’s black again!

&bull: Some enterprising schmuck has posted a Brokeback Mountain oil painting on eBay. Bid: $2,500. That’s gross. And the painting’s ugly.

• New research shows that same-sex couples “are just as committed in their relationships as heterosexuals and the legal status of their union doesn’t impact their happiness”. Because we’re so gay!

• Police dispatcher behind teenaged swim team porn site pics.
Continued…

The Scientological shit keeps flying!
Continued…

A reader sent us this video of regular Joes sticking it to Mr. Tom Cruise.

And, yes, more than a few people mention his dubious sexuality - one woman insists that Cruise practices Scientology’s deep commitment to racial equality: “He sucks black cock, he sucks Indian cock…”

Stars really are just like us!

Meanwhile, in other Cruise-tastic news, the kids over at Gawker features an uproarious video: Tom Cruise On Tom Cruise, Gay.

It’s raining Scientology books!

First came Andrew Morton’s Tom Cruise tell-all, now author Ian Halperin turns his attention to the out-of-this-world religion. Hollywood Undercover chronicles Halperin’s adventures as a “gay actor” trying to join the church, which he says promised to cure him of his homosexuality. From the peppy press release: In Hollywood Undercover, New York Times bestselling author Ian Halperin poses as a gay actor to infiltrate the Church, which has long been rumoured to promise a “cure” for homosexuality.
…
In Halperin’s rollicking first-hand account — where he seeks the Church’s advice about how to become a movie star — he recounts his bizarre tour of the Scientology Celebrity Centre on Hollywood Boulevard and his visit to world headquarters where a Church cameraman documents his every move from behind a bush, and where an official offers to turn him straight through a series of courses called “auditing.” Halperin also tracked down former Scientologist Michael Pattinson, who left the religion after eighteen years.

There’s so much more after the jump…
Continued…

• Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee and his - um, charming - family took this picture when the politico was Arkansas’ governor. Ain’t it sweet?

• Ryan White’s mother talks more about talking to Mike Huckabee.

• What’s wrong with Tom Cruise?

• The heat is on at La Mama!
Continued…

Despite years of denials, In Touch decided to stoke the fires of Tom Cruise’s dubious sexuality. Rather than relying on the actor’s heterosexual claims, however, the tab-rag decided to take the word of a former porn star. Via Popnography: Though Tom’s camp has repeatedly denied the talk, it has persisted over the years, with two men even claiming to have had affairs with him — tales which Tom was willing to challenge in a court of law. Now, after conducting an extensive investigation of the gay rumors, porn star-turned-private investigator Paul Barresi is speaking to In Touch about his findings. “Everything I’ve found and everything I know points to Tom being heterosexual,” … Continued…

• We don’t know how long this witch montage took, but pointy hats off to the creator! Oh, and great Eartha Kitt song!

• Chris Crocker wants to be Britney Spears: crotch flashing and all. Warning, this shit ain’t cute. Nor is it safe for work.

• Cuban queers form rights group.

• This is fucked up! The Federal Emergency Management Agency (aka FEMA) held a fake press conference about the California fires. Again, fucked up.
Continued…

There’s a stink brewing on behind the scenes of Tom Cruise’s WWII flick, Valkyrie.
…Tom Cruise, had asked that everyone working on the film observe one minute of silence in honor of the heroes of war they were about to portray.

When, during the minute, someone passed gas, Cruise stormed off the set in a rage, and he is now on a hunt to have the unknown fartmonger fired. The crew recorded the moment of silence and Cruise wants to review the tape to find the gaseous culprit. Obviously this man has too much time on his hands.

Alright, not necessarily gay news - unless you consider Tom Cruise’s beard “news” - but can take a second to address life’s biggest mystery: “What the hell has TC done with Katie Holmes?”

Here you see the famous couple in St. Tropez - well, Tom Cruise and a glassy-eyed figure which appears to be Katie Holmes. Sure, Holmes’ fashion’s dope, she’s got more money than God, a beautiful daughter and more press than almost anyone, but one can’t help but wonder if we were right and Cruise stole her brain.

Or maybe her brain’s intact, but has been forcibly vegetated by some special scientological cocktail. Either way, we feel for her, because obviously she … Continued…

Tom Cruise and his mindless missus, Katie Holmes got down and real funky at Sunday’s Beckham bash.

From Us Weekly: …The real showstopper came when the DJ played “Old Time Rock & Roll,” prompting Cruise to re-enact his famous scene from Risky Business. At one point, he got on his back and kicked his legs in the air, just like in the movie!

In real life, however, the star kept his pants on. Thank L. Ron!

It was a hodge podge of Who’s Who in Hollywood last night as A-listers and Blisters came together in welcoming David and Victoria Beckham to America.

Super clique Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Becks, Posh, Jada and Will Smith led the crowd into Los Angeles’ Museum of Contemporary Art. The not-as-selective-as-we-imagined guest list included a big looking Lil Kim, Little Britain’s Matt Lucas, Eva Pigford, Eva Longoria, Posh’s fellow Spice Girl, Mel B, Stevie Wonder and, for some reason, Jon Voight.

Check out some more pics, after the jump.
Continued…