The arrival of LA Gay Pride 2011’s Grand Marshall was heralded by a dozen sheriff deputies warning people to back away from the street. The warning fell flat on the weary ears of a thinning crowd that stood for hours, patiently enduring the seemingly unending stream of floats: Super market trucks, cheerleaders in drag with varicose veins, TV network temps, someone named Maria Concita Alonso, proud-of-their-gay-Asian-son mom’s taping the crowd like undercover N.S.A. agents.
I spotted Margaret Cho wearing a sour expession calling to mind Michael Kors on Project Runaway. Then from out of nowhere , came screams of ” … MY parade, and MY float!”
A diminutive young man stood at the top of a nondescript float. He wore loose, silvery shorts and held a microphone. A German friend squinted, pointed at the slender creature with heart shaped lips and asked, “That is who?”
“I’M JOHNNY WEIR!” the nimble munchkin bellowed, as if on cue. “And it’s MY parade, and MY float.”
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As the floats continued their majestic roll west, we craned our necks to check out the backside of the former Olympian and Proud-Wearer-of-Minx-Made-from-Anally-Executed-Tiny-Animals. After all, figure skaters are known for their spectacular asses. Okay, this was not about pride. But the day was also on some level about booty. So I was just doing the compare- and-contrast thing. As his unbuttoned shirt fluttered in the wind, it flashed and revealed Johnny Weir’s … muffin top.
Then again, if Johnny Weir didn’t want to wear his undies higher ,well, damnit, this was HIS parade, and HIS float and who were we to object?
Tomas Mournian is the author of the novel, Hidden, available at Amazon.com and great online bookstores everywhere.
Vinci S.
I know you want a piece of that, but he just wants to dance. So back up off of him, you’re weirding him out.
What? Too soon?
Josh Elder
o.0 Alright, I must be blind because I don’t see any “Muffin Top”.
Mmm, Johnny is my celeb crush of all time. Gorgeous, great personality (on TV anyway) and I love his demeanor. (*gasp* Yes, that’s right. I can’t stand masculine men. Deal with it and bite me)
DasNic
I call bullshit on the muffin top until I see photo documentation to prove me wrong.
Tomas Mournian
I stand by my reporting: from the rear view, Johnny definitely was serving muffin top over those silver diaper shorts … hey, the Olympics were forever ago! I mean, have you seen Tanya Harding lately?
Jem
@Josh Elder: Femme boy-loving pride!!! 😀
Improbable
The improbable thing is: Johnny Weir is sexy. He has a pleasant face, killer legs and a lickable chest. Who new?
Todd
If that’s what you call a “muffin top” then I’m going to have to work out to get one!
Cam
““I’M JOHNNY WEIR!” the nimble munchkin bellowed, as if on cue. “And it’s MY parade, and MY float.””
____________________________
How nice, somebody officially comes out a few months ago and now apparently is the only gay in the villaige.
Sorry Johnny, that isn’t YOUR parade, you’re welcome to be in it, but ease up.
Tim
Muffin Top? LOL If that guy has a muffin top, I wish I had one and I want to see a pic of Tomas Mournian.
I love that Queerty hasn’t changed one bit under new bosses, all bullshit, all the time.
Tomas Mournian
@Tim: in the words of the editor of another blog (clue: responding to how-to-take-a-dong-shot?), “Mine are already plastered all over the internet.” And I promise you, I’m not serving muffin top!
manfred
And we have somehow survived another yearly embarrassment. Moving on…
DasNic
@Tomas – I demand documentation! And yes, the Olympics were forever ago, but his rigorous pilates has HAD to give him some abdominal flatness. Right? So maybe we just need to define muffin top. Like oversize Starbucks muffin top? Or the shit from the box like my grandma makes where you have to eat three to feel like you’ve eaten anything muffin top? And how DARE you bring the Harding into this! *cry cry cry* LEAVE TONYA ALONE!! *cry cry cry* *eyeliner smears*
DasNic
*Tanya* – Apologies all around.
Robert
Ain’t no muffin top anywhere to be seen. If you’re talking about his ass, two minutes on google image search will let you know he’s well endowed and perky, but certainly not muffin-ish in any sense of the word beyond “biteable.”
Tomas Mournian
@Robert: I was standing on the Santa Monica Boulevard (and then the curb) outside Champagne Bakery at a distance of ten-fifteen yards from Johnny’s float. By that point in the parade, my eyes were bleary and my feet hurt. But my eyesight’s excellent when it comes to all matters of topping the muffin or, er, muffin “tops,” and Johnny had one (I could only see his right side from my perspective, but I assume his muffin’s equally distributed.) Much like Zapruder’s photos of Kennedy, those photos are deceptive in more ways that one: he is very (very) short, and that was including the bootie heels (see pic) he wore, besides being of his front. But honestly, it was the “MY FLOAT/MY PARADE” parrot caw that got under my caw. I swear, from now on, I’m leaving Johnny’s muffin alone. @DisNic, the only documentation that will be forthcoming will be the result of your super sleuthing. Expose me! Maybe I’d heard one of the Parade’s strippers (none of whom had muffin tops – or bootys – though they all had flawless abs.)
Tomas Mournian
meant to write, “I’ll hear from …”
Robin
Johnny has a muffin top? Are you kidding? Who were you looking at? He may not be competing this year, but he’s still training, doing Pilates, etc. From all the photos and daily twitpics we see, it’s obvious that he’s still in fine, fine form.
David
Balls if he has a muffin top then I have a spare tyre.
Mr. Enemabag Jones
@Tomas Mournian:
And I promise you, I’m not serving muffin top!
Well, from the pic I found, looks like you’re serving a muffin basket.
Tomas Mournian
dang, “Mr. Jones,” you outed me: I’m really Roseanne Barr, & I lurk on Manhunt.
Inspector X
Regardless of muffin top or not. This story and the comments that have followed have brightened my day day. Thanks guys -_-
Tim
I think you’re mistaking the definition. The term “muffin top” refers to a spilling over of saggy flab. Johnny may have been “runneth over” his shorts band in the rear but if you’ve ever seen photographs of him from that region you would understand why. Most likely it was his generous ass cheeks (something skating and his natural genetics have blessed him with) than any kind of flab. He’s been photographed numerous times (even recently) bare and/or naked from the rear. His ass sticks out and is basically the very definition of “bubble butt,” but he’s so firm there you could bounce a quarter off of it. In form-fitting shorts riding down low his cheeks would most likely protrude, but ‘muffin top” that is not.
Top to Bottom
Okay, I confess that I’m far from a fan of Johnny Weir. But if there is one thing I don’t dislike about him, it’s his body. It’s flawless. I’ve sick of queens being so constantly eager to call another ‘fat’.
alex
love johnny weir, love this post
someone please get evidence of the muffin top or lack thereof and post here
Sam
Definitely no muffin top!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/dannycasillas/5829661841/sizes/l/in/photostream/
MagZ
@Improbable: you, obviously.
anyway, bless this post.
LandStander
What? A muffin-top? Where?
Zeus
That is not a muffin top! Why does half, or possibly more than half, of the gay community think you need to look like fucking Thor or else you’re fat? It’s disgusting.
Russ
I’ve met Johnny in person and seen hundreds of pix of him (not photoshopped), many wearing little at all (okay, some he wasnt wearing anything but he was yummy/debatably tastefully covered), and i can testify there ain’t no muffin to top any shorts that boy is or is not wearing. Your own photo you posted also bears witness against your account of Sunday’s parade event atop his float as well! Maybe you just smudged your sunglasses with some tanning lotion, honey.
*Judge: here here, Johnny Weir, Pride Parade Grand Marshal, you are found not guilty of any muffin topping, you are free to go, return to your adoring angels and kittens! This court is adjuourned!*
caffesilvia
Let’s cite THIS ARTICLE as evidence of the dysfunctional body image ideals the G/B community is accused of having. Anyone who thinks that kid has a “muffin top” needs professional counseling.
Amy
@caffesilvia: Agree completely: no muffin top there as far as I can see.