We all had one — that kid in school who just seemed to “get us,” didn’t mind that we were a little different from the rest of the guys and was always a formidable opponent on the mean streets of Mario Kart.
But what happens when that puppy dog crush doesn’t find its natural closure early on? It must happen all the time. Grade school becomes high school. High school graduates to college, and all those secret feelings stay red hot beneath the surface, always wanting to erupt but knowing better than to ruin the deep and meaningful friendship cultivated over the years.
Related: College Freshmen Reveal The Secrets Of Gay Life On Campus
As one Redditor (and millions of people before him) learned, the truth will set you free.
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At 14, John (we’ll call him John) met a boy who would become his best friend, and so much more. “I spent many sleepless nights wondering why everything had to turn out this way, it crushed me every time I thought about it,” he writes. “Over the course of the rest of high school my feelings of love gradually faded to where I could think of him as a brother, rather than someone I lusted for, although it wasn’t easy.”
Now both 18 and attending separate colleges, John knew he had to reveal two secrets — two coming outs — to his friend. Telling someone “I’m gay” is one thing, but “I’m gay and have secretly been in love with you” is a whole other bag.
“Most of the reason I decided I had to quell these feelings was because he has a girlfriend whom he is committed to and I didn’t want to cause them any disrespect through my actions, words, or thoughts. I cared for him and wanted him to be happy and to do that I wanted to ensure that his relationship with his girlfriend was unadulterated from my feelings towards him.”
Related: Guy Comes Out As “Heteroflexible” To His Girlfriend. It Doesn’t Go Well.
But the moment had arrived. John built up his courage and managed to come out to his friend, leaving out the bit about being in love with him. Baby steps.
“I was euphoric. He began to ask me what I looked for in a guy, how long I’ve felt this way, just everything. To finally be able to tell how I felt and discuss it with someone who cares was something I had never experienced before in respect to sexuality. It really sucks having to bottle it up as so many of us have done or are currently doing. As I described to him what my ideal guy would look like, he asked me if I thought he was attractive because my description very closely matched someone with his characteristics. I said yes.”
That’s when the whole truth spilled out — the years of silent agony, the longing and the lust.
“He said that he doesn’t hate me for feeling that way, rather he was flattered that I cared about him that much…He kept telling me how strong I was that I was able to see him happy with his girlfriend while I would wallow in my own sadness, never once letting a word out to anyone until now. He holds nothing against me and doesn’t treat me any differently than he did before, he even said he wouldn’t mind sharing a bed with me again. He reaffirmed my belief that a true friend doesn’t care whether or not you like dick or pussy, nor will they hold your feelings against you. I love this guy with every fiber of my being for giving me the best relationship of my life so far.”
Cue the “aww’s.”
Related: College Guy Realizes His Best Friend Might Be His Boyfriend In The Most Adorable Way Possible
He went on to share some advice for people who find themselves in similar situations:
“If any of you are apprehensive about coming out to your best friend as I was, just fucking do it. Just rip the band-aid off because you’re doing yourself the biggest disservice by hiding a part of your identity from the people who care about you the most. Everybody doesn’t need to know your sexuality, however the people who care for you deserve to know just as you deserve to be happy. If they’re truly your friend they will accept you for you and love you just the same.”
DutchGay
Been there, done that. We were very close although sometimes that was a bit painfull too; being in 1 bed but knowing that was the most it would ever be. Still I appreciated him accepting me for me.
JJinAus
I’ve been lucky, at school never lusted after my friends. Only guys I didn’t know well. In the work environment though……
Windsor519
And that’s more or less what life’s going to be like. Rarely are gay men interested in each other and hardly ever do we want anything to do with the 2-3% of men who identify as gay. Unfortunately these sites don’t help because they show pictures of straight guys that deceive those who haven’t come out yet to think that’s what they’re going to find after coming out.
The reality is something that will make you wish you didn’t bother coming out. When you see what’s really out there for you, it’s very very different from the pictures on the websites and other stock photos that gay media uses to rope you in.
SteveDenver
I find it very touching that his decisions are based on RESPECT.
I wasn’t as wise when I was young: my idea of “love” wanted to consume, and that was destructive.
Captain Obvious
Straight guys on pedestals for treating us like fellow human beings yada yada yada.
youarekiddingme
@Windsor519: “Rarely are gay men interested in each other…” Speak for yourself!! When I was dating, that’s ALL I was interested in! Some straight men were attractive, but I wasn’t “interested” in them because they wouldn’t be interested in me.
“…men who identify as gay…” I don’t “identify” as anything. I am gay! An African American Man doesn’t “identify” as African American. I don’t know what your term identify means? Do you have an alternate screen name perhaps?
No one roped me in to coming out. Coming out is a very personal choice. It usually happens in steps. Sometimes not at all. Mine started when I admitted it to myself. Coming out is a way (for many of us) to finally be open and honest with the ones we love and care about the most. It frees us from having to live that “double” life. No stupid magazine or website forced or roped me into any decision. I think that it’s easier to come out now (in general) BECAUSE of media, not the other way around. I’m married to a man and still not out to everyone! Not everyone is important enough for me to share it with. If they know, they know. I don’t give a fuck.
Pictures. The same pictures and models that are used as unrealistic role models to teens all across the country…old news.
philipcfromnyc
@Windsor519 — You write “Rarely are gay men interested in each other and hardly ever do we want anything to do with the 2-3% of men who identify as gay.”
I couldn’t disagree with you more strongly. As an adult gay man, I don’t “identify” as being gay. I AM gay, down to every fiber of my being, and nothing can be done about this. I simply accept who I am, and try to find solace and comfort in the company of other gay men. I have only two heterosexual male friends, and my relationship with one of them is currently very rocky.
That said, I identify COMPLETELY with the gay man who fell in love with his best friend in college. This happened to me back in 1982 through 1986, when I attended college in South Africa. To my horror, I found myself in love with my best friend. We were extremely close, and shared things with each other that we would never share with anybody else. However, my best friend during those years soon realized that I was gay, although he never stated this outright. As time passed, he used this knowledge about me to manipulate me in the most cruel manner imaginable.
I left South Africa in 1986, in part to start a new life in this country, away from him and away from everything and anybody who reminded me of him. I also left because I was not prepared to be forced into the South African army — all white males were conscripted, to “maintain order” in the “black townships,” and to quell “unrest” in those “townships.” Other white conscripts were sent up to the border, where they fought against “insurgents” who tried to enter the country to destabilize it. The bottom line is that these conscripts were required to maintain apartheid, which I was not prepared to do.
My “best friend” followed me to the USA for a month-long vacation. He spent that month taunting me and alluding to my sexuality in round about ways, making hurtful and cruel statements. It was as though he had come to the USA to finish me off. Fortunately, I cut him out of my life entirely following his return to South Africa.
I understand the strength of the passion which the writer felt. I continue to think about my “best friend” — it is fair to say that I think about him at least once or twice per week, despite the fact that we ceased to be friends back in 1989….
PHILIP
jazzman1225
Sorry, you feel that way ( or worse) that was your experience. I can tell you that back in high school I fell totally and deeply in love with my straight best friend. I old him that I was gay just before we went off to college and that I had feelings for him. He hugged me told me that he loved me back, but that he was straight. He also told me that it didn’t matter about our different orientations. What we shared in common was a love of music, performing, business and deep discussions…
That was 40 years ago. Today we are still the best of friends. We communicate with each other regularly and see each other at least twice a year. Once it’s just him and myself with our three other high school buddies and once we all get together in someone’s home with our respective spouses (his wife & my husband) and their kids.
So sometimes it’s not about wanting what you can’t have, it’s about acknowledging the importance of a real love that goes beyond your sexuality.
kittyconrad
@Windsor519: That’s bullshit. You’re just wallowing in your own self loathing to get attention.
philipcfromnyc
@Windsor519 — “The reality is something that will make you wish you didn’t bother coming out. When you see what’s really out there for you, it’s very very different from the pictures on the websites and other stock photos that gay media uses to rope you in.:
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This is grotesque bull crap. You are either trolling this board, or you are so filled with self-hatred that you are literally incapable of seeing all the good that this world has to offer. I am 52 years old, and although I currently do not have a life partner, I never lose hope, and I know that the day will come when I will meet another gay man who is interested in me and who sees in me everything that I have to offer a relationship. I have had intense gay relationships in the past, and I cannot believe that my life is over, or that I will never meet somebody who wants me.
PHILIP