Often one of the hardest parts about coming out to someone is confronting their perception that you’ve been lying to them up until now.
Of course, that’s not the right way to look at it, but it comes up regardless.
That feeling can be magnified tenfold when a parent decides to come out to their child. Kids construct their whole realities based on familial surroundings, so anything that changes the equation can feel like life itself has turned upside-down.
We wanted to hear from gay parents who are working to be their true selves around their families — here’s what Whisper was able to dig up:
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Xzamilio
These are all heart-wrenching (if true… but I have no reason to believe they aren’t), but the “Jesus paid my debt” especially bugs me because you have someone who is clearly conflicted with his sexuality and lo and behold, there’s that religion to make it worse. A force for good, a force for evil…it’s just something I have issues with, namely in cases where the person is harming themselves to maintain some moral code set in place thousands of years ago by desert men.
That said, I can’t imagine the pain of having created a “society-perfect” image of a family, only to be dying inside because it is all a lie. And it’s not just the closeted individual that suffers. We’ve come a long way, but this stigma is still rampant.
Uncv1
The two worst days of my life were the two days I told my son we were getting a divorce and the day I came out. They were separated by two years. If I had to do it all again, I would have told him all at once. It was ripping open a partially healed wound all over again. I felt such guilt for a long time- hurting the people I love, but I knew I had to be me. I was 44 at the time. He was 11 and then 13 at the times. He was very angry for a long time. His mom was a big support even though she was going through her pain. Now, he has come to accepted me fully and my partner and we have a great relationship. It takes time, love and a whole lot of trust building.
AtticusBennett
the answer is PFLAG. your kids and your spouse will be with others who’ve had a family member come out, it will make it seem less strange and isolating, and it will show them that no matter what turmoil they might be in – there’s a light at the end, and that light is about the family being stronger than before.
i know a good number of couples, and gay parents, whose family relationships only IMPROVED, seriously, by coming out. it’s amazing what you can be as a human being, a friend, and a parent, when you’re no longer lying every day.
but PFLAG. seriously. i can’t think of any better resource for families dealing with a family member coming out. it works, big time.
jwtraveler
Kids are naturally loving and accepting if they haven’t been “carefully taught” by adults to judge and hate. They just want to be loved and will return the love they get. It seems like most of the problems these men are dealing with are with the mothers of their children and other homophobic family members. I haven’t had this experience so I wouldn’t try to advise, but my feeling is that it’s always better to live an authentic life than to lie and keep secrets. Not always easier, but better in the long run.
tford216
If you are single and come out as a gay to your kids that is one thing. If you are breaking up the family because you are now ready to accept you are gay that is another thing. Telling a kid that you are about to rock their foundation and the foundation of their other parent is probably not going to be received well and that is okay. Just because you are happy to be out doesn’t mean everyone has to fall in line. Marrying a woman and knowing that you are gay is lying and it is wrong.
Finrod
How many of the people who are having trouble coming out to their families have been openly homophobic in the past in order to hide their real feelings? And now have to confess not just to being gay, but to being what they’ve condemned for years.
JaiCee
I dont comment much here, but i feel I should share this story. Was on holiday with friends and family recently, we finally met another friend of ours we’d only spoken to through facebook from knowing his cousin. His father is gay and came out to him a number of years ago & in his sons words, he doesn’t give a damn who his dad loves as long as he is happy. His family are a different situation but I’ll get to that soon. Because his cousin has a rather large mouth, he was under the assumption that we all knew about his father (we didnt cos 90% of his family don’t like to talk about it, which I think is incredibly stupid) and when he realized we didn’t know, he decided to tell us himself before we met his father for the 1st time (my parents & friends of theirs had a planned a get together and everyone was invited). He got a little upset (good upset) that we all took it so well. I then decided to tell him that I was bi-sexual and then the jokes started. We were like “Oh I should introduce myself to your dad” “Who knows, someday you could be calling me dad” oh it was a good night, don’t think all of us will forget it. Funny thing too, my parents also met his father for the 1st time and they like him more than the other’s we’d known longer.
jwtraveler
@tford216: Living in a homophobic society, many gay people repress their sexual feelings and get married thinking they can live a straight life. When they realize they can’t, they come out later and sometimes other people are hurt by it. Some gay people deliberately marry to hide their sexuality from an intolerant family, community, religious institution and society. This isn’t right, but your condemnation should be directed at an intolerant society that coerces such deceptive behavior, not the people who are victimized by it. In a society where gay people and our relationships got the equal respect and acceptance that we deserve, there would be no need for deception and this would not be an issue.
Enatai
@tford216: I appreciate you saying this. I can see how someone in a really difficult position would attempt to make it work anyways, especially if it would cost you your family, but if that’s really the case, it would be better to remain celibate. Your family being weirded out by your celibacy is worth it to not drag someone else into an entire family life built on a lie. It’s seriously unfortunate for gay men who only accept themselves and come out after having a family and kids, but for the women who don’t know, it’s worse, because basically the message is that it was all a big sham and the joke is on her.
That does not excuse for even a second the nasty behavior displayed by some of the women whose husbands have come out, but it’s a nasty thing to know that you’re gay and not only lie yourself into a corner but to take another person with you while you do it, that’s pretty low.
Misty Bolling
Wow
Jamie Bensson
My exwife insisted that I lie to my son about my being gay and I was so upset with the demand that I refused to agree to it saying that i had lied throughout his childhood and I wasn’t going to lie any more and besides how could I hide it when I had a boyfriend? Impossible! so I sat him down and told him and guess what? He was fine so fine in fact he came and lived with me! now that’s karma x
Lvng1Tor
@Enatai: Specially since we live in a society that is so accepting of all gay people, all parents raise their kids to love themselves for who they are and love their kids for who they are, there is no such thing as internalized homophobia, churches teach only acceptance of Christ’s love and there is no way (cause you know you are gay) that someone couldn’t realize they are gay and live a fulfilling life out and proud…Right!
Plus, that gay or bi spouse couldn’t have possibly loved their spouse at all, everyone marry’s for the right reason,no straight person ever leaves their spouse because they fell out of love…never did love or fell in love with someone else. So being gay is somehow worse cause it’s like a big joke on the spouse (I say spouse because other genders also come out)
Seriously…saying it’s worse and taking down because they know they are living a lie is simple minded and exactly what straight haters think of us. So many people were raised to believe they could never have a family, never be happy like they see their friends and family so they commit to trying and sometimes they fail at the marriage but not in life (unless small minded people find it easier to think they are awful creatures…cause a kid could never love a parent who leaves another parent for someone of the same sex…EVIL) Some people are still coerced into believing that if they marry the opposite gender it will fix them, some have internalized it because of abuse they suffered.
Why not work towards a world where people are free to be themselves and not judge those who aren’t aloud to yet. Have some compassion.
Glücklich
@tford216:
I agree 100%. What you describe is a lot more reflective of reality outside of PFLAG where the world *doesn’t* want you to hold it in your arms and keep it com-pan-eeeee. Great post.
passingthru
Breakfast conversation
Dad: Sunday is the PRIDE parade. Do you kids want to go?
Daughter (about 6 years old): YEAH – Yes Daddy, we LOVE parades!
Daughter: The “PRIDE” parade – that’s the one for the gays, right?
Dad: Well, yes.
Daughter: Daddy, what is gay?
Dad: It’s when a man falls in love with a man or a woman falls in love with a woman instead of a man and woman falling in love
Daughter: (after long, deep thought) Daddy, we know a lot of gays don’t we?
Dad: Yes.
Daughter: (after much longer, deeper thought) Daddy, are YOU gay?
Dad: (laughing) Yes.
Daughter: I thought so. Let’s go to the parade Sunday.
Chris LaRosa
I very recently and reluctantly divorced my wife because I am gay and continue to experience the fallout with her and my four teenagers. Until then I was deeply entrenched in the fundamentalist community, which is THE REASON I got married in the first place. 10 years victim of bogus ‘ex-gay’ bullshit groups and 30 years victim of anti-gay theology. I say this because I am offended by the “Jesus paid my debt” whisperer. “My wife and kids are worth more than sex”. For the record, I am among a mighty throng of gay men and women that dissolved their marriages because they were deceived and manipulated by the church and suffocated in unnatural marriages under the fear of the Almighty. For us, escaping or suicide was the only way out – staying in this phony arrangement wasn’t an option and it had little to do with sex – it’s called desperately needing to live honestly and longing for natural companionship. Apparently this guy, a classic fundamentalist, equates being gay solely with sex and is indirectly shaming the rest of us who didn’t feel they had a choice. Divorce is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and ever hope to experience in my lifetime, and I am doing as much damage control with my kids as I can, but I can finally breathe for the first time and actually be a much better dad to my kids than when I lived in a coffin of shame and self-hatred. Lastly, I am convinced Jesus was THE reason I had the courage to come out and be finally authentic. So please take your “Jesus wants you to live a lie” BS and shove it. Hard.
Vegas Tearoom
Dad: (to children Sunday breakfast) Is there any of you who really wish you had never been born?
Children: (oddly concerned) No.
Dad: Because I’m gay and if I had not stayed in the closet and put your needs and your mother’s needs and the desires of you mother’s family and the desires my family before my own needs, you would never have been born. So don’t tell me how this effects you, I know. Yes, I’m gay.
Dipest
@passingthru: EXCELLENT! That’s the way innocense acts, from the heart.
silveroracle
Does anyone else find Whisper to be a bad app?
I came off it because it was so negative and scared me that so many people were posting that they wanted to commit suicide.
tford216
@jwtraveler: I think you totally misread my comment. The world is not easy for a lot of people. However, you can’t lie to another person ( and a woman is a person) and expect to come away unscathed. I don’t have tolerance for people who continue to use societal pressure as a justification for lying to someone for years and then not accepting the consequences of those lies.