As a service to the gay community, throughout this Valentine’s Day season, Queerty is playing Anne Landers/Dan Savage to the online gay world of Craigslist, our favorite go-to spot for unintentional hilarity. We’ll give our advice to online suitors, but we hope you’ll get involved as well, helping to play cupid to the digital masses teeming to breathe heavy.
Our magical mystery tour of romance continues on to hipster enclave Williamsburg, which has all the mustaches of Haight-Ashbury, if none of the cultural cachet:
“I go out barfing after midnight – m4m – 25 (Williamsburg)
Reply to: [email protected] [?]
Date: 2009-02-04, 4:41PM ESTThis happened on Friday night after Metro. Me: Wasted. World’s first supermodel. Big blond hair. Tall, leggy blond (test driving the color). I fell down, plop, not actually barfing though. All my stuff fell hemorrhaged out my maroon tote bag. You: Prince. Prince-like. You picked up my wallet and my moleskin (where I perfectly catalogue all the mutant powers I want when I grow up [iron stomach–check!]) and walked me/carried me home. I kept calling you ROY! because I thought your were my friend ROY! but he and I had parted ways a ways away.
WHO ARE YOU!?!??!
ps I’m not actually a hot tranny mess I just drink (a lot)”
Dear Wasted,
Our initial instinct here, as a blogger, is to judge you and judge you harshly. From referring to yourself as the “world’s first supermodel” to describing your burgeoning alcoholism, you give us a lot of material to work with. But we’re trying to keep in the spirit of being a “self-help guru” and so, instead of referring you to Promises, we’ll lend you a helping (read: enabling) hand.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
How to Find a Guy You Met While Totally Blasted in Three Easy Steps
1. Check Your Pockets
If you wake up the next morning with only dim memories of a cute boy and no cute boy shaped indentation next to you in your bed, there’s a halfway decent chance you drunkenly exchanged numbers, emails or business cards. Since nobody really carries around pen and paper anymore (except for geeky web editors), chances are it’s in your cell. Check your call log to see if there any new numbers. Of course, you’re carrying a moleskin, so you should probably check for a non-mutant power related note. If you don’t find any evidence of your meeting, you might want to consider the possibility that your interest (how shall we say this?) is just not that into you.
2. Ask Your Friends
Or in the case of our missed connection friend, the local homeless guy on the street. Somebody was around with more restraint than you and saw you stumbling along home, loudly calling your rescuer by the wrong name.
3. Consider a Lifestyle Change
Sorry, but come on, Wasted! This is one of those tragic moments in your life where you’re supposed to realize that maybe you’re going about things the wrong way. If you have to post a Craigslist ad looking for a guy who not only picked you up off the ground, but also took you home, maybe it’s time to make a change. Your missed connection sounds really sweet, so we don’t blame you for trying to find him, but really, how are you going to tell the kids you met? “Well, Daddy was in such a drunken stupor that other Daddy had to pick him up off the floor and walk him home?”
One final thought: Do you still have your wallet and moleskin? Has your apartment been robbed? Because it’s really possible that you were mugged and just don’t know it.
Are we being too hard on Wasted? Everyone knows alcohol is a great social lubricant, but when it has you slipping and falling on your ass are you damning yourself to an eternity of ‘missed’ connections?
bboy78
If it weren’t redundant to label a “missed connection” pathetic I would call this the most pathetic posting I’ve ever read. This guy needs to get himself to a 12-step program and start to learn that life isn’t about being wasted 24/7.
Rigato
This guy was obviously high when he wrote this…or it’s a joke. Disregard it in either case.
cruiser
Whos is this guy(#3) and how did he get in here, and since when does the Lord God “give” anyone something that science has been attempting to produce for more than 20 years?!
Do not misundertsand me, I am not attacking this person, all I’m wondering is how did he get so fortunate as to be specifically chosen to produce this “wonder drug” ?!
Brandon
The notion that the virus would be airborne without “DIVINE” intervention is so extraordinarily preposterous as to render anything else this person has to say as being almost certainly a bunch of BS cooked up by a con artist. Recent evidence has shown that HIV has likely been part of the human populaton since at least 1900 & maybe even further back. See NPR’s recent story on the subject: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=95253422
It is and always has been transferrable only via bodily fluids. There’s no need for some extraterrestrial ghost-father to intervene; it’s already quite nicely limited by the laws of nature and the real world. Does this fellow thing that GOD is preventing gonorrhea and syphilis from becoming airborne too? Or cancer perhaps?
Vague references to “the scientific community” that reject his ideas simply because he claims they came from God are more evidence. No specific doctors or researchers are named so that they could be questioned; and frankly most credible scientists don’t care where someone claims an idea came from so long as they see validity to your reasoning. If they see no merit, they’ll toss it even if you’re Stephen Hawking.
I don’t know whether he’s angling to be a snake oil salesmen or just looking for some attention, but in either case he’s simply not credible.
petted
Poster # 3 is about as disturbing as this French tv show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJ7ikcHAt9o&NR=1
petted
Looks like original poster # 3 with whatever they were peddling has been taken to the curb
mb00
yeah, what’s was the original post on #3, can anyone specify?
and as for the person who wrote the craigslist post. there is nothing more unattractive than a drunken mess. it’s funny the first couple of times, but when it becomes a daily habit, you’ve got a problem. seriously get it together. you don’t want to end up a lonely ol’ drunker with a moleskin (whatever that is).
petted
@mb00: It was like a product placement for an AIDs treatment made by a religious fanatic – I didn’t read the whole thing but there was something about God revealing the treatment to the guy (some palm oil derivative or something) & how God had prevented AIDs from becoming air-born. But like I said I just skimmed it cause crazy gives me indigestion.
mb00
@petted: hey Petted, thanks for clarifying that for me, that’s actually kinda funny. I loath people like that and their propagandas.
anyankafan
why’s everyone being so harsh on this guys post? true its silly and a bit *rolls eyes* but like you’ve never gotten wasted some night. Just because someone gets absolutely trashed one night doesn’t mean theyre an alocholic, doesn’t mean they don’t have a life. Just means they were ahving a good time and didn’t notice that tenth drink sliding down their throat. He says he drinks a lot but i know a lot of people who do. They’re not useless or wastes or anything. It just so happens they enjoy drinking, which is a phase most of us go through in our lives