Dear Man With the Britney Spears Tattoo: Please Return the Stolen Chihuahua

Brian Dortort’s four-month-old Chihuahua, with the appropriately bourgy name Hudson Hayward Hemingway, went missing from the gay bar Georgie’s Alibi in Florida’s Broward County, where he was throwing a friend’s birthday party. He let another man hold his dog — which he brought to the bar — who then ran off with the $1,000 pooch. The suspect is described “as a thin man about 5 feet 10 inches tall … weigh[ing] about 160 pounds, has short brown hair and tattoos, including one on his arm or neck that says ‘Britney Spears.’” Of course he does.