Silence! Court is in session. The Honorable Miss Diana Ross presiding. Miss Ross landed her copter in front of the Supreme Court, ran out in a sequined catsuit, kicked out most of the Justices and is doling out verdicts on some of the most important cases the Court has ever heard — including today’s historic rulings on Prop 8 and DOMA. Not really one to share the spotlight, let alone the bench, Miss Ross cleared out everyone except Sotomayor and Ginsburg — only to later replace Ginsberg with Kagan when she started mouthing off about not singing backup.
Without further ado, let’s take a listen to Diana Ross and the Supreme Court’s greatest hits!
Lawrence v. Texas - “Ain’t nobody’s business if I do”
Ruling: A Texas law classifying consensual, adult homosexual intercourse as illegal sodomy violated the privacy and liberty of adults to engage in private intimate conduct under the 14th Amendment. Texas state courts reversed and charges dismissed.
Roe v. Wade - “Love child, never meant to be”
Ruling: Texas law making it a crime to assist a woman to get an abortion violated her due process rights.
Dred Scott v. Sanford – “Set me free why don’t cha babe”
Ruling: Persons of African descent cannot be, nor were ever intended to be, citizens under the U.S. Const. Plaintiff is without standing to file a suit.
Plessy v. Ferguson – “Someday we’ll be together”
Ruling: The “separate but equal” provision of private services mandated by state government is constitutional under the Equal Protection Clause.
US v. Nixon – “Respectfully I see to thee / I’m aware that you’re cheating”
Ruling: The Supreme Court does have the final voice in determining constitutional questions; no person, not even the president of the United States, is completely above the law; and the president cannot use executive privilege as an excuse to withhold evidence that is “demonstrably relevant in a criminal trial.”
Brown v. Board of Education – “Reach out and touch/ Somebody’s hand/ Make this world a better place/ If you can”
Ruling: Segregation of students in public schools violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, because separate facilities are inherently unequal.
Hollingsworth v. Perry and Windsor v. U.S. – “Sadie, Sadie married lady/ See what’s on my hand/ There’s nothing quite as touching/ As a simple wedding band”
Ruling: Petitioners did not have standing to appeal the district court’s ruling. The 9th Circuit Court’s ruling is vacated and remanded under instruction that the appeal be dismissed.
Ruling: Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional.
And as always, Diana’s law is the law of the land. Why?