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Diary Of a Straight Girl With a Serial Gay Man Dating Problem

Is it wrong that we enjoy a good story about a straight girl with a serial addiction to dating gay men? Meet Crissy, 35, blogger, mother of two, loves her breasts, and from Rhode Island. She says that while she doesn’t have any gay friends (sad!) she has dated plenty of us during our straight stages (aww!).

We do not enjoy her experience as to point the finger and laugh. Well, a little, because plenty of us have been in that situation, dating the opposite sex just to give things a try. Some of us have even slept with these people. Gross! (Unless you’re bi; then, yahoo!) But Crissy has been. through. some. shit.

She’s also quite the naive hetero girl, which is a sad species, because they want to love their gay men so.

The first ‘mo I dated was Eric. He was super cute, and he loved Madonna. He even had a license plate that said MDONNA, and his favorite thing was dressing up like her. His skin was sooooo smooth and soft, and HELLO! That boy was as gay as the day was long, but I was only 18 at the time and I tried to kiss him because I thought he liked me. After all, he asked me out on a date and was acting like a straight guy except for the smooth skin thing and the Madonna thing and as it turns out, Nooooooo. I kissed him and he ran away and never called me again. He literally ran out the door, hopped into his car and peeled out.

Then came Adam, her boyfriend of two months. And they had the S-E-X.

After the Eric situation, you’d think I’d have learned a little something, but nay, nay Toy with Mes. I’m a slow learner because a couple of years after Eric came Adam. Like Eric, Adam was a cutie patootie. He was a jewelry designer whose turn-ons included anything by Ralph Lauren, interior design, avant-garde art, and kittens. He always smelled incredible and looked as pretty as a picture in a magazine. I KNOW! I told you I’m kind of a fucktard.

And he wanted to like boobies, but it just wasn’t working. He was horrible in the boudoir, but I kept sleeping with him hoping it would get better, but it didn’t.

Do you have any idea what it’s like for a woman to have sex with a gay man? It’s not good you guys, not good at all because the whole time, they’re totally screaming inside their heads and they want to run away so badly, but they stick it out and then jump out of bed and take a shower to wash all the yucky girl cooties off of them because OH GOD IT BURNS! I cannot tell you what it does for a girl’s self-esteem when the guy you just had The Sexy Time with blows his load on your back and then jumps out of the bed trying to discreetly cover his mouth so he doesn’t throw up on his new scatter rug from Pottery Barn.

I dated that Adam guy for about two months before the sun came over the mountain and I was confronted with the truth about him. I used to hang out at his apartment, and he had this friend named Paulie. He would call every ten minutes while I was there. Literally. I thought that was a little strange until one night I was over there when Paulie stopped by, and to make a long story short, I caught a reflection of them kissing in the mirror. Needless to say, that was a big light bulb moment. I got my coat, left quietly, and sat by the phone for a week waiting for Adam to call me, but he never did. I never heard from him again, actually. I found out from a mutual friend that he now works as a lion tamer in the circus.

I shit you not.

Gay, gay, gay, gay, GAY.

On the plus side, even the worst sex with a straight guy is probably better than anything she had with one of us.

[Toy With Me]

By:           editor editor
On:           Mar 12, 2010
Tagged: , , ,
  • 11 Comments
    • romeo
      romeo

      I rest my time-worn case.

      Mar 12, 2010 at 5:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • alan brickman
      alan brickman

      why blame this on gays?…sounds like typical manhate…

      Mar 12, 2010 at 7:33 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • sam
      sam

      I love this girl. She’s witty. We all have to pay our dues sometimes.

      Mar 12, 2010 at 8:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lanjier
      Lanjier

      She loves gays because:

      1. They talk a lot about her, defecting attention away from them;
      2. Dress well, and a great show-off, stroking her ego;
      3. Don’t demand sex a lot, she gets to have sex when she wants;
      4. Don’t have a life yet because they are hiding in the closet.

      Real straight guys:

      1. Talk about themselves sometimes;
      2. Dress like straight guys and have guy friends they spend time with;
      3. Ask for sex when they want sex.
      4. Have a life, are confident because they have nothing to hide.

      She will be hunting for the right man for the rest of her life, until she starts to like straight men just for being themselves.

      Mar 13, 2010 at 9:45 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lanjier
      Lanjier

      Oh, Ok. I checked out her blog and I take it all back. My bad.

      Mar 13, 2010 at 9:47 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • THeAwfulTruth
      THeAwfulTruth

      Another media whore.

      Mar 13, 2010 at 12:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • David Ehrenstein
      David Ehrenstein

      What a douchebag!

      Mar 13, 2010 at 2:06 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • eagledancer
      eagledancer

      As a Family Therapist specializing in Couples, I found it fascinating how “talented” folks were at picking “non-threatening” partners. This often resulted in women who eventually came out as bi or lesbian dated men who later came ou as bi or gay (or transgendered).

      To the lovely Lanjier’s list, I would also add women who were sexually abused who choose a (not yet out) gay partner to date–becsuse again–he will not press for sex…which suits the woman just fine.

      As a general rule of thumb, when dating the “same” type of “wrong” partner repeats itself, as Therapists, we are alerted to look into how the “wronged” person is “setting her/himself up” rather than accept the idea, of “Oh, I am a victim of these people with whom I shared a relationship.”

      What’s also interesting as a Therapist, is realizing the choices are usually made at an unconscious level, so the patient often keeps repeating the pattern without gaining insight into why they make the choices they do.

      Mar 14, 2010 at 10:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • girlyqueer
      girlyqueer

      OMG this is hilarious why wasn’t her gaydar going off? i’m a female that knows i’m attracted to gays and i know quite a few who are borderline bi but i have had sex with gay men and love love love it!

      Mar 22, 2010 at 8:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lovey
      Lovey

      @eagledancer:
      Eagledancer,
      I find your comment very interesting…I´ve been looking up the subject for a while now…
      I´ve been looking back on my past childhood “crushes” and learned that most of them are now gay! I have carried on the same “taste” for “androgenous men” into my 20s and I´m currently dating one after 6 years. I´m sure that I´m totally heterosexual and I don´t think my current boyfriend is gay, nothing indicates that he is, but I´m afraid that history could repeat itself…Might there be something in this pattern that I´m not seeing?

      May 25, 2010 at 3:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • eagledancer
      eagledancer

      Dear Lovey—

      Let me first say for legal and ethical purposes what I share is meant to be educational in nature, rather than therapeutic.

      I was mentored by (maysherestinpeace) Virginia Satir—if you ever read a book Uncommon Therapy by Jay Haley, there’s some great stuff on her. One of the trainings she did was to have trainees sit with our knees almost touching and stare into the eyes of our training partner for 10 minutes. She believed that after the age of 16, you never meet a new person. That is—everyone you will meet will remind you of someone you’ve known, and often on an unconscious level, you will tend to relate to the “new” person as if he or she were the familiar one. This is not necessarily tied to gender or age—for example, maybe your current boyfriend reminds you of your Aunt Minnie because of the way both of them cock their heads when they listen to you, or they both have the same accent. This was Satir’s explanation of why you can meet a “stranger” and feel immediately comfortable with him/her, or why you can meet a new person and hate them on the spot.

      My earlier post was from the perspective of a Family Therapist. It’s very rare to see a new patient who isn’t coming in because of a problem. In my many years, I’ve only had one person come in and say, “You know, I’m doing really well—but I bet I can do even better!” I tend to see the women who date gay men, and then turn out frustrated, or lesbian/bi/transgendered or have been sexually abused in their youth–because they’ve gotten to a point where the repeated patterns of their lives have made them unhappy enough to be motivated for change.

      If that’s not your case…then perhaps dating a man who “reminds” you of the gay men you’ve known in the past (or hell—your Aunt Minnie—remember, the Satir stuff isn’t necessarily connected to gender)—simply isn’t a problem. In which case, the historical associations you have with your current boyfriend simply gives him an “extra helping” of attractiveness. If you are both happy, then this isn’t a good time to “fix what’s not broken.”

      We also know from John Money’s theory the Lovemap (what constitutes your erotic landscape—what floats your boat) is set at an early age—often before you are 8. There have always been androgynous males that many women find attractive. The general pop psych attitude is that it’s related to pre-adolescent feelings of “safety”—in other words, a “Tween” (as they are often called these days) find Justin Beiber or Zack Whatsis, or a Jonas brother “sexy” because they don’t register on the scale as strongly masculine. Someone exploring romance for the first time around isn’t developmentally ready for sex…so a strongly masculine appearing male doesn’t register—or reads as “dangerous”—which is why the “bad boy” kicks the androgyne romantic off the radar a few years down the road when someone is developmentally ready to “get physical”, and the posters that covered the wall with the earlier heart throb get pulled down and replaced.

      Lol—I think of my first lover who told me how religious he was in high school and used to write letters to Jesus, until he hit the developmental stage of realizing he could find “cute boys who would write back.”

      Anyway—perhaps your Lovemap was set on “androgynous” at a very early age, and someone in this category will always attract your attention. Nothing wrong with that. Always remember gender expression and sexual orientation are two separate category, even though for the majority of individuals, they tend to overlap, so people tend to think they’re the same thing. And hey—having personally dated a number of straight men (If you look up “androgynous” in a few dictionaries, you’d see a picture of me—what can I say? Historically, straight men and butch women have always found me a lot more immediately desirable than gay guys…) I can certainly see the attraction of going out with gay men, or men who seem gay…

      May 25, 2010 at 6:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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