Is it wrong that we enjoy a good story about a straight girl with a serial addiction to dating gay men? Meet Crissy, 35, blogger, mother of two, loves her breasts, and from Rhode Island. She says that while she doesn’t have any gay friends (sad!) she has dated plenty of us during our straight stages (aww!).
We do not enjoy her experience as to point the finger and laugh. Well, a little, because plenty of us have been in that situation, dating the opposite sex just to give things a try. Some of us have even slept with these people. Gross! (Unless you’re bi; then, yahoo!) But Crissy has been. through. some. shit.
She’s also quite the naive hetero girl, which is a sad species, because they want to love their gay men so.
The first ‘mo I dated was Eric. He was super cute, and he loved Madonna. He even had a license plate that said MDONNA, and his favorite thing was dressing up like her. His skin was sooooo smooth and soft, and HELLO! That boy was as gay as the day was long, but I was only 18 at the time and I tried to kiss him because I thought he liked me. After all, he asked me out on a date and was acting like a straight guy except for the smooth skin thing and the Madonna thing and as it turns out, Nooooooo. I kissed him and he ran away and never called me again. He literally ran out the door, hopped into his car and peeled out.
Then came Adam, her boyfriend of two months. And they had the S-E-X.
After the Eric situation, you’d think I’d have learned a little something, but nay, nay Toy with Mes. I’m a slow learner because a couple of years after Eric came Adam. Like Eric, Adam was a cutie patootie. He was a jewelry designer whose turn-ons included anything by Ralph Lauren, interior design, avant-garde art, and kittens. He always smelled incredible and looked as pretty as a picture in a magazine. I KNOW! I told you I’m kind of a fucktard.
And he wanted to like boobies, but it just wasn’t working. He was horrible in the boudoir, but I kept sleeping with him hoping it would get better, but it didn’t.
Do you have any idea what it’s like for a woman to have sex with a gay man? It’s not good you guys, not good at all because the whole time, they’re totally screaming inside their heads and they want to run away so badly, but they stick it out and then jump out of bed and take a shower to wash all the yucky girl cooties off of them because OH GOD IT BURNS! I cannot tell you what it does for a girl’s self-esteem when the guy you just had The Sexy Time with blows his load on your back and then jumps out of the bed trying to discreetly cover his mouth so he doesn’t throw up on his new scatter rug from Pottery Barn.
I dated that Adam guy for about two months before the sun came over the mountain and I was confronted with the truth about him. I used to hang out at his apartment, and he had this friend named Paulie. He would call every ten minutes while I was there. Literally. I thought that was a little strange until one night I was over there when Paulie stopped by, and to make a long story short, I caught a reflection of them kissing in the mirror. Needless to say, that was a big light bulb moment. I got my coat, left quietly, and sat by the phone for a week waiting for Adam to call me, but he never did. I never heard from him again, actually. I found out from a mutual friend that he now works as a lion tamer in the circus.
I shit you not.
Gay, gay, gay, gay, GAY.
On the plus side, even the worst sex with a straight guy is probably better than anything she had with one of us.