Diary of an HIV Test
There are only a few of us left now. My counselor calls for me by first name only (thank you) and my heart revs as I stand up. Following him down the corridor everything becomes much more visceral like I’m on mushrooms. I’m taking in each potential last second as an HIV-negative person. We pass a man painting one of the offices. Will this be my final image before I freak out and threaten suicide in the counselor’s office like the guy in the pamphlet? Will the painter be seared into my brain for the rest of my life wishing I could go back to that time when I thought I was still HIV negative?
I examine the stamp in the “results” section of my HIV rapid test that reads “NEGATIVE-NON-REACTIVE.” I wonder how often the other stamp is used. My counselor tells me false-negatives are highly unlikely and, in fact, false-positives are more common. He asks if I want a copy of my results. Typically, I’m not one to keep receipts, but this time I want my paperwork.
I thank G-d, Bette Davis, and my friend Matty — all the people I imagine in Heaven looking out for me.
I leave with peace of mind. I will return in six months’ time.
Gay life ain’t no place for sissies. But it should be. The Unabashed Queer (Government Name: Matt Siegel) serves to affirm the vast array of queer identities. Originally from Atlanta, Siegel realized his independence above the Mason-Dixon Line at Northfield Mount Hermon School and subsequently, Sarah Lawrence College. In a marijuana- induced haze, Siegel came to Los Angeles and has found himself employed in the homes of Adam Carolla, Arianna Huffington, and Jill Clayburgh. How queer is that? Read Matt’s blog here.
Try being in a small town anywhere in this entire country where you don’t have access to a clinic and you have to go to the hospital to get blood work done (with a prescription from your family doctor) and wait one week for the results.
Thank you for your contributions, Matt. You’re perhaps the only gay writer who really seems to identify my experiences as a gay man. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of your pieces here.
Or update your own damn blog more frequently! We love reading it.
Matt, you slay me. Next time I hit up an STD clinic, I’m going to make sure I at least come home with a phone number.
Wow, what a great read! Thanks Matt :)
The first time I got tested was when I was 17
The counselor assessed my risk and told me that it was high and that I needed to change my lifestyle practices if I wanted to reduce my risk of contracting HIV or STIs, which would include not having sex with men. I felt so ashamed and dirty. And THEN I had to wait two weeks to get my results
getting tested in a small TX town is probably one of the worst places anybody can get screened
Also, I LOVE Matt’s articles for queerty. They’re always very clever and interesting
I give this site crap about a lot of stuff, but this is a great article/post. Thank you. Not an easy read, but real, very real and moving. Certainly brought up memories for me…How many of us have gone thru the ordeal of Hiv testing…recounting every semi-risky or actually risky sex act we’ve engaged in…or perhaps making some “bargain” w/God hoping to get the ‘right’ test result.
Of course, times have changed, treatments have definitely improved, and (IF you have access to good health care) a positive diagnosis means you have a chronic “health condition” to manage, not a death sentence. Which also brings up the point that there are a lot (A LOT) of gay men out there NOT getting tested regularly…still relying on their last negative test result (often YEARS ago) claiming to be Neg, while in reality, who the fuck knows what their real status is…they sure don’t.
If you’re neg and want to stay that way, caution still rules. Great post.
Thank you for this great article. I’m a testing counselor at the Gay Men’s Health Crisis in New York and we are so often confronted with the biting traps that talking about HIV presents: make it sound serious, but don’t naturalize a stigma, encourage sexual expression and practices, but don’t encourage unsafe sex. Your article renders a certainly tough experience, but doesn’t cheapen or unfairly depict the issues at stake. THANKS!
Very well-written. Thanks Matt.
Great post, as for cruising test centers always call back the ones that leave looking relieved.
I had a Muslim psychiatrist tell me I wasn’t gay and a week later I requested an HIV test, when she read me my results as positive she had to have someone from the local clinic with her as she was uncomfortable/unenlightened to read the test results to me. It was an awful experience that was cold, she didn’t bother to console me (much less give me a hug and say it was going to be alright) she left me without any information about how I could learn about HIV and my resources but was happy to prescribe me heavy doses of Xanax… I took it upon myself to find resources and get help, find a doctor, get on meds, go to the RIGHT counselor. I never went back to her. She was an awful experience.. I have nothing against Muslims but she puts religious tracts in her office, and her convincing me of my already well aware sexuality really bothered me.
In Singapore, an NGO ActionForAids runs a pretty successful Anonymous Testing program.
They got this online Youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ff_eIKs5lmg showing exactly what to expect during Anonymous Testing and to encourage more people to go get tested.
Can see how they do Anonymous Testing in other countries.
Thank you for another great piece, Matt!
you are biting us with those rainbo lips lady girl. eat me usa
@jason:
That’s like saying the cold is caused by being outside in the rain, instead of a virus. Yes, you can get exposed to the virus by behaviors (unprotected sex/no umbrella), but the virus you catch still causes the disease.
You’re as bad as all these African heads of state, leading their countries into ruin by telling them they can get rid of HIV after sex with a shower.
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It’s too bad that all those infants with AIDS got it from their promiscuity, drug use, and partying as opposed to a viral transfer during birth from their mothers.
I’m straight but chanced upon this site to further educate myself on the risks of STDs and the such. I find this site to be very informative and the write of this article to be very talented (I myself am a professional journalist.)
Just got tested and came up negative. So very relieved for that, but my heart goes out to everyone who wasn’t as lucky. Sites that promote healthy behavior are necessary to educate the masses about the dangers of HIV/AIDS.
Best regards