Finally, the Onion News Network gets a straight answer on why the government prohibits gays from serving in the military:
Under no circumstances can we put America’s homosexuals in danger… Gays of America are the only group left untouched by war. They’re special, pure and rare, like a gleaming diamond… It has been the solemn oath of every man in uniform to lay down his life in defense of America’s precious, precious homosexuals.
Also learned: one gay life’s worth seven straight soldiers. We estimated eight, but we were pretty close. That counts for something, right?