Queerty is better as a member
The issue isn’t so much age gaps, it;s the youth of the younger person. I find 19 and 39 MUCH creeper than say, 30 and 50. When you’re 30, you’ve lived, you’ve been on your own, had a heartbreak or two, hopefully established a career and you could be an equal partner in a relationship. At 18-22, you still have so much growing up to. I’m 25 and I’d feel weird dating 18 yr olds. Hook up? In a heartbeat. But date? Noooo.
Agreed, at 23 an 18 year old was hitting on me and I felt like there was too much of an experience gap.
Who knows, maybe being a world class diver matures somebody faster, but he still seems awfully young for him. If it is an equal relationship then I hope they are happy but it does seem a bit off.
That said. What is with these fasion guys that they seem blind to the fact that people seem to be together with them for their fame or money? Michael Kors?? Come on. They all look like Hugh Hefner dating those bunnies.
In my first (short-lived, but hey…) relationship, I was 17, he was 23. At that age, six years mean a LOT. At 23, I had been living on my own for three years, moved to another country and just ended my first serious relationship. While at 17, I was still at college, know what I mean?
That said: I’ll be the first to admit that DLB was not what I hoped Daleys love interest to be like. Anything but, tbh… But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s obviously free to chose whatever type of partner he likes, and – should I ever have to – I would defend that right of his (or anybody’s) to the death. Besides, he seems to be genuinely happy. I wish them all the love and happiness in the world…
I concur with Southstguy and Cam. 19 is young. Much too young for a 39 year old. A 19 year old is very impressionable. What 19 year didn’t think their first boyfriend was The One? DLB should know better.
Regarding Tom Daley and who he chooses to date, two things come to mind.
(1) How about Mind Your Own Fecking Business?
(2) Jealousy is the Stinkweed in the Garden of Life.
Your comment loses any impact by accusing people who have said anything of being jealous.
I’m just curious. If I had a little sister and I see her dating a drug addict am I “Jealous” if I tell her that it isn’t a good idea? No of course not. I’m giving her the benefit of any life experience I have.
I have no jealousy over their relationship, I have just seen similar multiple times and they never seem to work.
Gruber/Klein was a BUSINESS relationship. LOL.
Age is a number. We all are different no matter what age number we have. I know 18 yo’s that seem like 50 and visa versa. Why should we care what age of 2 people if they are in love. That’s what dating is for..to find out if you are compatible. Oh wait, I forgot..people dont date anymore.
@Southstguy nailed it. It’s not the gap it’s the age. The kid is 19 and deosn’t even seem to know if he is even gay. At 19 you don’t know what the hell you are doing. And the poor kid ends up with DLB who is known for using and discarding young boys–not to mention the bareback sex tape. C’mon–this has creepy writeen all over it. Tom Daley reminds me of my 8th grade nephew. Just gross.
There was a difference of 19 years between my parents, and they were together for over fifty years. Also, I know that Black was mentioned as “mentoring” Tom, but I don’t recall anything that says he is who Tom is dating. What did I miss?
Also, Tom Daley has traveled the world competing and meeting many different people and cultures. He had to deal with the progressive illness and death of his father. He has dealt with the pressure of training and competing from a very young age. I hardly think he can be described as lacking experience, or not having experienced heartbreak. There are many things he may not know, but he is hardly your average 19-year old.
I’m 52 and my boyfriend is 22, we’ve been happily together for 3 years since he was 19. the stigma attached to us by others that want to corale us into a relationship that fits their norm is absurd. two people in love should be all we are concerned with, the age difference, given both are consenting adults, should not even come up in conversation. Good luck to both Tom and Dustin, they’re both wonderful men that deserve their shot at happiness, with or without your blessings.
Really depends on the individuals involved. I was 46 when I met my partner of now 7 years and he was only 24. Yes, he still had lots of growing up to do, but I understood that going into the relationship and supported him along the way. (not financially, just emotionally, he had started his own company was doing quiet well). There’s also a big difference between 19 and 24 as several readers have commented.
The most common form of same-sex relationships between males in Greece was “paiderastia” meaning “boy love”. It was a relationship between an older male and an adolescent youth. A boy was considered a “boy” until he was able to grow a full beard. In Athens the older man was called erastes, he was to educate, protect, love, and provide a role model for his eromenos, whose reward for him lay in his beauty, youth, and promise…So are we just acting out an age old tradition..? Or as some have said in disgust calling—Chickenhawk…(derogatory, slang) A sexual predator – an older, usually more powerful man who preys on adolescent boys for sex…Opps…I forgot…I am young and don’t know too much…So someone cums along and says.”I can help you with that.”
How old was your mother when they got together? Also, times were different then.
And yeah, a young guy who just lost his dad getting together with a guy 2 years younger than his father? Paging Freud…
To use the word “creepy” to describe a romantic relationship between two consenting adults is bigotry. Many homophobes and anti-gay advocates describe ALL same sex romantic relationships as “creepy”. That is also bigotry.
Although it seems more common and acceptable to obsess and sexualize youthfulness and equate it with physical beauty, there are some people who are attracted to individuals (older people) that do not possess those attributes.
When it comes to adults, regardless of age, maturity level, financial status, career, skin color, heritage, size, past life experiences, past heartbreaks, we all have the potential to be in loving, lasting, and healthy relationships. Relationships are varied, unique, and most importantly personal.
I wrote this on your post yesterday when you were calling them a May/December romance. 39 is not “December”. Are you age-bigoted? Do you believe that life ends at 40, or something? What is wrong with you?
@Cam: Oh, I dunno, Cam. Maybe the fashion guys aren’t so much blind as resigned to certain realities. They can’t offer youthful beauty anymore so in pursuit of it they offer the next best thing in our culture–money and fame.
And they’re human, so they delude themselves into believing, at least for a while, that it’s love. Straights play this game all the time.
@devinjgray: Thanks for making that point–I was thinking the same thing. Since when is age 39 the winter of one’s life?
Oh, get over it already! I cannot tell you how many of my friends have been couples for as long as 35 years together, and have 20 or more years between them.
In my own case, it is 12 years between us and we’ve been together for 16 years. But, this is not so unusual in the straight world, either. My parents had 16 years between them and my grandparents had 11 years.
I personally am not attracted (usually) to people older than me but I would say thank goodness there are people who like older guys!
That would be the best case senario… Unfortunately it is just hot sex with a nubile young body… When I hear wedding bells and see a ring…I will change my mind.
@devinjgray: Duh..! Gay years.
@AuntieChrist: Interesting historical point. Let’s keep in mind that Dustin Lance Black is not Jerry Sandusky. I think I understand the appeal someone Black’s age would have for a 19 year old, especially if they’re as successful as DLB. He’s mature enough to know things the younger partner hasn’t yet experienced but young enough to have a youthful energy and idealistic outlook. It might work out fine for them, whether the relationship lasts 6 months or 30 years.
@LadyL: DUH.Gay years 30 is winter.
Bomer/Halls: hardly May December and got together when Bomer was approx 26.
Lapere: same, was mid 20s when they met and a smaller age difference
Jesse and Justin? That screams golddigger to me, I don’t know why.
I can’t even touch the rest
@LadyL: Okay. Now i think I love you. Stop being so smart. Makes me horny.
@ChuckGG: I am 7 months from my silver anniversary. OH YEA. I’m gettin jewelry. LOL
LOL at all the dinosaurs taking this so seriously!
But it’s about the spirit of the person I guess when your 60 and your BF is 35 I really don’t know what there is to talk about or do, but anyway
This is not some gay phenomena. Straight men with money do the same thing. This is the age old story of power and wealth. Regular daddies might want some hot young ass like that to make theirs but unless you have the portfolio that DLB has you’ll never get close to it.
@Rockery: I know. It’s hilarious.
It’s celebrity gossip!
Why da gheys so serious?
I will be 70 on December 7 and I have been dating a man who is 28 years old. This young man initiated the contact at two Gay pride festivals. and has pursued me intensely. He is even interested in getting married. He still lives at home with his parents and brother and is not totally out of the closet. He has had a previous boyfriend and has engaged in oral sex. He is very conservative and wants to reserve intercourse for marriage or a committed relationship. My preference is to be a bottom. Over 3 months, we have slowly progressed to making out but we have not engaged in actual sex. His conservative stance in regard to restricting sex to a committed relations reflects an old fashion value that I admire. However, I find that dating without sex is quite unusual for two Gay adults. In today’s society, many Gay men engage in sex and then start dating. A few men start by dating and progress to sexual intimacy as the relationship grows. In my view, dating is a process of getting very well acquainted, developing trust and ultimately creating a loving bond. I am having trouble falling in love in the absence of sexual intimacy.
Initially, I thought that my “boyfriend” was more impressed with my finances and nice home. To complicate matters, I am technically HIV positive. I use the word “technically” because my HIV is controlled and undetectable. My overall health is amazingly good and I don’t have the slightest erectile problem. I also have almost unlimited energy. When I raise questions and list obstacles to our relationship, he responds that he is sure and only wants me to make the commitment. None of my friends have met my young boyfriend, but most caution against getting into a relationship with someone so young. Since I am retired, I had always hoped to find a new partner who was also retired so that we could share time, events and travel together. As an experiment, I have invited my boyfriend to accompany me to a holiday party this Saturday at the home of a Gay couple. I have also talked with a close friend who has offered to meet with my boyfriend and me in order for him to evaluate the situation. While my friends do not ultimately have a vote on the matter of who I date, I think that their input may help me decide.
When dating, age is not a big issue for me. I would dating someone younger or older (18 to 118). I am very relationship oriented and I focus more on a person’s inner qualities such as honesty, affection, personality, commitment, sense of humor, reasonable intelligence, even temperament, etc. I was in a very loving long-term relationship with one man for over 38 years until he passed away of heart problems in 2009. He was 10 years older than me. I would describe myself as very affectionate and I believe in love and commitment. The bottom line is that I am not sure that my current boyfriend is right for me. I jokingly refer to him as “my little twink.” My friends advise me not to let the young man move in, but I wonder whether their comments are valid or perhaps their views are based on a cultural stigma against May-December relationships. I have tried to end the relationship with the young man on two occasions, but he keeps coming back. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I am afraid that he may be wrong for me. What can I do to make sure one way or another? How can I test his sincerity? What can I do to determine compatibility for a relationship? If I should need to end the relationship, how can I end it permanently without breaking his heart? i really need some practical advice and suggestions on how to proceed.
Thanks for reading this long posting and for any feedback.
Long Beach, California
@Stache1: It need not be so sinister. I once dated someone 21 years older than I was and it wasn’t significantly different than other relationships. I paid for things as often as he did. My BF is 8 years younger than me and, likewise, if he was out for money he would have hitched his horse to a different wagon.
Matt Bomer and Simon Halls please don’t compare Matt Bomer and Simon Halls to that creepy hot mess that is tom and Dustin lance black…. Liberace and Scott Thorson on the other hand…..
@specialbottom: is call a hustler
Regardless of age, two big dealbreakers, not out and still lives at home with his parents. Best of luck to you.
like Doris replied I’m surprised that someone can get paid $9465 in 4 weeks on the computer. have a peek at this site…… http://www.tec202.com
@Southstguy: completely agree is not the gap is the maturity this boy . TD was just 18yo when they met at the Kids Choice Awards of all places… I know there is a joke in there, somewhere… this kid is just coming out.. so wide eye..he is going to get so hurt….
I’d rather have an age gap than stay alone.
Dustin needs to know this rule: If you are 40 years old and you can take your boyfriend for drink.. he shouldn’t be your boyfriend…… Maybe he can live him in a stroller outside.
Frankly I’ve found the snobbery and prejudice about this horrifying. They are two consenting adults. Tom is 19, so three years over the age of consent in his own nation, the UK. Lots of us at 19 will have slept with older men. Significantly, I think that them having a proper relationship is MUCH more healthy for Tom than him having dozens of random shags with guys his own age.
I think people who have a problem with this need to have a serious look at their feelings. Most of this is about an “Eww” factor. As LGBT people we should be very suspicious of that because it is precisely this instinctual revulsion that powers so much homophobia and other forms of hate and wrecks lives. It’s judgemental and its wrong.
I don’t know or care if this relationship will work. It’s not my business. But people from straight, gay and bi celebs to street cleaners are falling in and out of relationships with all sorts of people every day. But even a relationship that ends is better than being alone. I think we just aught to leave consenting adults alone to enjoy whatever happiness they can find without replicating the vile judgemental attitudes of those that have persecuted us for so long.
@Charlie in Charge: Good for you. Were talking about a teenager hitching up with an older wealthy man. I think that’s a bit different.
Btw if every daddy lost their $ overnight and they demanded to now go dutch I have no doubt a good 95% of their boys would be gone before the sun set.
@Stache1: I know. Sweet pea. We all know that.
Nobody’s business but theirs. Of course, as a parent, I can totally understand why the 19 year old’s parents might be displeased. And if this doesn’t work out Doug Hutchison is always free now.
To put it in simple terms, the human brain hasn’t fully developed until after 25 years. You can be as much as an “old soul” as you think you are, but you’re not fully developed until you’re past your mid-twenties.
Lucky me at 65…and my lucky partner of 3 years at 39…26 years apart if my math is correct…finally, a partner who can keep up with me.
We love to watch the faces of people as we walk done the street holding hands, priceless!
Really, it is not the difference in age, it is a relationship, it takes a little work.
Who really cares except the bigoted morons…in reality they are just envious…wishing they could have what we have!
Life just gets better AND BETTER year after year…WHO KNEW!
Again, regarding the Tom, Lance relationship, although I’m happy for them, I still find it a tad troubling that a 40-year-old man has chosen to date a teenager. It warrants discussion on both sides of the spectrum I think.
That’s great for you. He was 36 when you got together. He was a MAN.
a lot of the age gaps you mention started when the guys were in their 20s or 30s- not teenagers.
especially when 1 is a guy who trolls parties at the Teen Choice Awards for dates…..
An inexplicable omission, another failed relationship, billionaire David Geffen and Jeremy somebody, which had a 41 year age difference. Come on Queerty!
Pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more.
My, my, my, the hens they are a clucking.
When it comes down to it, it’s really a matter of maturity. I am a school teacher and know some 14 year olds who carry themselves with more poise and bearing than some 40 year olds. So, while 19 – 39, may not be ideal for most, let’s just hope it works for them. And if we’re going to continually hold DLB’s past antics against him, then I think a LOT of us have things for which we shouldn’t be forgiven. He is simply being crucified in our disgusting court of celebrity persecution.
Some folks need to start having a life instead of having their noses all up in somebody else’s.
Wouldn’t it be great if so many people had such strong feelings about things that were really important?
Are you for real? I don’t believe it. It sounds like a TV movie. But anyway, Tom Daley/ DLB is getting old so this is more interesting. He is probably thinking you are a sugar daddy and is using you, he doesn’t want to sleep with you? That is a deal breaker. He could be afraid because you are poz. I say keep “dating” him,and have your fun, but don’t give him A DIME, don’t move him in and that’s it. He isn’t going to stick around so don’t even put any feelings into it. Don’t worry about his feelings, he’s just playing games, he would have had your dick in his mouth by now…
My partner and I were talking about it and I also texted my friend to read this and we have been debating. Keep us posted! This is some good stuff. If it’s fake, well continue because it’s better than any story on here
I wish them all the best.
I met my partner when I was 20 and he was 41.
I am now 56 and my partner is 78. We have been together 36 yrs
and going strong!!!!
What’s important here is whether or not 2 people in a relationship are equals and while age can be a sign that they aren’t, it can also not be a sign. For example, a 39 year old can be emotionally immature as well as immature in other ways. A 39 year old can also be self loathing towards his age, especially in the gay world where agism is rampant. A 19 year old can be especially mature. Especially if they’ve had the type of life experiences that have catapulted them forward. There are several clues about this relationship that are concerning. I read that Tom said that Dustin made him feel “safe” well, that’s fine and good but when a man who is as old as your father makes you feel safe that might be rooted in a father/son projection and not one based upon being equals. Also the fact that he has lost his father, who was roughly the same age and his new lover, leaves him ripe for transference and projection. Finally, Mr. Black is known to prefer the young ones and his own relationship history sounds quite adolescent for a man his age. To repeatedly choose lovers much younger tells me that he may not be able to hold his own with an emotionally mature person and/or suffer from ageism towards himself that he tries to deny and medicate by believing that if guys much younger than he want him then he must not really be or appear as old as he is. It’s all very complicated and generalizations are dangerous. Each relationship has to be judged separately.
Yes, I am for real and my story is true. From the beginning, I was not comfortable with dating this young man. I met him at a local pride festival where he had a booth selling his clothing line. I bought a pair of shorts form him. Several weeks later, I attended another pride festival. As II walked by his booth, he recognized me and talked for a while, Then, he asked for my phone number. Later, I walked by his booth again and he asked if it was OK if he texted me. I told him that I have given him my home phone number.He asked for my cell phone and email address. All of the subsequent dating has been solely his initiative. I never thought that a 28 year old was right for me. I disclosed my HIV status at the very beginning and he seemed OK with it. Early on, I challenged him about whether he was looking for a sugar daddy. I emphatically said that I would not be in such a relationship. As far as sex, he claims that he has only had oral sex with one previous boyfriend. He also asserts that guys hit on him all the time, but he doesn’t accept. According to him, he was raised in a very conservative Chinese family. Even though he is 28, his mother has set a curfew of 7:00 pm. He told his younger brother that he was “dating a dude.” I must admit that I got a laugh at his use of the word “dude” to describe me. Recently, he said that eh asked his mother if it would be OK if he dated man. According to him, she said that it was OK if it was serious. His father, however, is not likely to accept his Gay orientation Sometimes, I wonder if he want to be with me in order to escape the conservative constraints of his family. A few weeks ago, we were at the gym together working out. A group of his young friends entered the gym and I could tell that he was nervous. He later commented that he had to be careful dating a man. In contrast, I am totally open about being Gay and I normally disclose my HIV status in the context of dating.
There are many reasons why this young man is wrong for me:
(1) He is conservative. I am extremely liberal.
(2) Without intimate and sexual contact, I can’t tell if we would be compatible in that department. Furthermore, I find it bizarre that he wants to hold on to his virginity for marriage. With most younger men, the hormones are raging practically out of control.
(3) Although I am not philosophically opposed to dating someone younger, there are practical considerations. At his age, he needs to work. I, on the other hand, am retired with plenty of free time.
(4) Since he is so uptight about revealing his sexual orientation to his entire family and to his friends, a relationship with me might start a major family eruption. Then, he would need to disclose that he was dating a 70 year old man who also is HIV positive. By the way, my HIV is controlled and undetectable so I am not a high risk sex partner. Nevertheless, ignorance about this disease is very common throughout the Gay Community.
(5) I wonder if this young man is more attracted to my nice home and to my bank account.
I have been coming to the conclusion that I need to end this dating as soon as possible. I don’t think that it would be fair to me or to him to continue into the Christmas season. The problem is that I have attempted to break up with him on two occasions. One friend advised me to be unavailable due to other activities and appointments so that the young man will eventually see that the game has ended. Another friend has suggested that I continue to date the young man and explore where it may lead. A third friend wants to “drop over” at my house when this boyfriend is here. He wants to have a conversation and see if he can determine the motivation and personality of the boyfriend.
In an attempt to flush everything out, I invited the young man to join me this Saturday to a holiday party at the home of a Gay couple in my neighborhood. I wanted to observe his reaction to my friends and see if he interacted in a healthy and positive way. Now, I kind of regret having invited him because it probably only delays an inevitable break-up. WHAT A MESS!!!
On another front, there is someone more my age who wants to visit me in January. I have known this man for several years through a Gay nudist group. I am attracted to his looks and personality. In September, we exchanged contact information at the last major nudist gathering. We then started communicating by phone and email. He wants to move to the Los Angeles area and previously asked me if I had a spare room that he could rent. Recently, however, he has expressed an interest in being intimate with me when he visits. He has made some flattering remarks about me. Of course, I immediately disclosed my HIV status, but he is still interested.
In all candor, my experience with dating the younger guy has left me sexually frustrated and horny. I could head to the local bathhouse to relieve my sexual frustration, but I am more an affectionate, romantic, relationship-type of man. Casual sex, therefore, leaves me feeling cold and used. I was in a very loving relationship with one man for over 38 years until he passed away of heart problems in 2009. For the record, we were a monogamous couple until his health declined very significantly. He then insisted that I seek sexual relief outside. That is how I got infected with HIV.
After my partner passed away, I spent one year in mourning, It was both difficult and emotional. When I did start to date again, I learned that many things had changed in the dating scene. Now many guys hook up over the Internet. I did post profiles that were only minimally sexual. I emphasized dating with the possibility of a relationship. For a while, I met a few guys who were not totally upfront with me. All of them turned out to be married to a woman and looking for a fuck buddy on the side. Recently, it has been younger guys who have contacted me. Ideally, I would prefer to find someone in my general age range who is either HIV positive or poz friendly. I don’t drink at all so the Gay bar scene does not hold much interest for me. Instead, I have joined a number of Gay social groups and I continue to post detailed profiles on Gay dating web sites. I learned early on that I had to minimize the sexual information in order to avoid men cruising for casual sex. If anyone on this site would want to review my profile, just contact me at my regular email address: firstname.lastname@example.org. i would welcome any suggestions or criticism. I may not find Mr.Right, but I want to put forth my best effort.
When a man is almost 70 and HIV positive, it is difficult to date, but I will keep trying. There must be some decent compatible guys out there that are also looking for a partner.
Long Beach, California
It is so sad that this is the top story, or should I say, top dish for this publication. Why does anyone care who is dating who? Is this what gay culture is about? Straight culture also has this May/December thing happening. Is it bitterness or jealousy that is the real culprit here? Who really cares, and why do we have to make it sound so sleazy and tacky. Relationships are private and between two people. Each relationship is different, and I think it is unfair to compare the Tom/Dustin relationship to another relationship, particularly Liberace, Noel Coward or Calvin Klein. Just remember, all are examples of success and positive role models for gay culture. Why cheapen any relationship because of age?
Hello You All….
Has no one just thought that this is all a big assumption that Daley is seeing Black??
For all the comments on here no one knows who he’s dating yet, he’s not said anything apart from its a guy! Now considering the field he works in and the celebrities he’s in contact with I would suggest that he could be seeing anyone. Diving as a sport seems to have a number of gay men. He’s been on TV in the UK, another media that is an ideal place to meet other gay men. He’s stated that he didn’t know if the chap was gay, that he met them at a party, it does sorta rule out that it’s Black. I would suggest that he link with Black is merely a coincidence, why didn’t he say it’s Black when all this came out, Black is an out gay man, he’s not going to be shy of publicity.
I think this is all speculation. We, as a community should be more concerned that he’s not pushed in to any stereotype or pressure to behave in a way that will be damaging to him in the future. Let him enjoy his life, he’s young he wants to be able to explore, who didn’t when they were nineteen.
Oh and on the subject of May/ December relationships, I’ve always gone for older men, it’s just something I prefer. My current partner is 9 years older, it’s no big deal. Although I must admit Klein and Gruber, well it’s just obvious what that was all about, only question is exactly who was manipulating who?
>>I just got paid $7500 working off my computer this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $8k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. >> This is what I do,
Read MY Blog
Jesus Christ, now 39 is December? Are you, like, 14, like?
All of the folks flipping out and screaming “Bigotry” if people are confused by this relationship, and then pointing out some relationship they know about where the people are 30 and 50 need to stop, take a breath and actually read the comments.
The comments were not against large age gaps. Many of the comments pointed out the fact that when you are say, 25, 28, 30 etc… you know who you are, you have had life experiences there is not as much growing to do. Compared to an 18 or 19 year old. There is a HUGE difference between somebody when they are 19 and 25. But not nearly so much between somebody who is 30 and 45.
The issue for me is that when I have seen relationships with this type of gap, the older person is usually surprised that the 25 year old is a totally different person than the 19 year old they originally dated and the 19 year old who thinks everything the 39 year old does is wonderful chafes when they are 23 and the 43 year old is still treating them like they are a pliant 19 year old.
So if you are 50 and dating a 30 year old, more power to you. But if you are dating a 19 year old, don’t get pissy because sombody points out the incredibly obvious and true fact that they are going to change and grow into a different person in the next few years.
Let’s be real here, part of the issue which people are trying to disguise under the age difference concern is that DLB isn’t fashionably good looking.
I bet both my testicles that if Daley had hooked up with Matthew Bomer, who’s just 3 years younger than DLB or Ricky Martin who’s just 2 years older than DLB, there wouldn’t be as much “ewww, he’s so much older”. A lot of it is just shallowness plain and simple.
@Niall, you nialled it! There is an enormous amount of ingrained looks-apartheid in the gay world.
Love is an infinite value; age is no barrier. Given that, individuals choose love partners based on realities in their lives. Having lived in San Francisco most of my life; all kinds of gay relationships come up. Odd couples are a norm.
@Cam: I think them changing at all is the problem for most. What is it that attracts these guys to the young ones. Hmm…oh that’s right youth. You hit your expiration or they just get bored and it’s back to the curb for you.
@Stache1: To be fair, sometimes young guys seek out older men for their money, emotional support or both. It’s not at all easy being a single older gay man and they are often quite vulnerable.
@viveutvivas: 39 is December compared to 19. 39 is May compared to 59. :)
Thank goodness there are May-December romances. I’ve dated many men and the one I settled down with is 20 years younger than me. He is a wonderful, talented hairdresser that I fell in love with the second we met. Only after 3 years of casual conversation did I finally find out that he had an interest in me. I always felt I didn’t have a chance with him until bumping into him a bar one night. We have been together since that wonderful night 6 years ago.
A huge bump in the road for many romances such as this is sexual compatibility. For us it is not a problem as he is insatiable and VERY selfish which is exactly what I desire in a man. My obsession with pleasuring my lover has been a huge plus and we have a sex life that many of our friends are jealous of.
When you can say you fall more deeply in love every day with your partner, you are in a great place and age is inconsequential.
Everyone’s entitled to his opinion, but why do so many of us make declarations that allow absolutely not room for decent? Let’s let Pat Robertson decide what’s “normal” and what’s “sick” and how far beyond the age of consent young adults can still be considered victims of “pedophilia”; Pat gets his information straight from God. If a 15-year-old murders a 40-year-old gay man, he knows exactly what he’s doing. If a 19-year-old has an affair with that same 40-year-old, he has no idea what he’s getting into. Young people aren’t going to put off living until they’re in their mid-to-late 20’s and just MAYBE are mature enough to make informed decisions. None of us did.
Of course, this article looks at the issue from an American viewpoint, and it’s true that American gays largely view May-December romances as being creepy. It’s one of the ways that American society and culture have become profoundly “ageist.” It seems to be unimaginable for most gay men that anyone over the age of, oh, 35, could have any interest in a sex life, let alone love! There are exceptional May-December couples, but they’re hardly the rule and far too many Americans just don’t understand them. Worse, they’re judgmental about them. It doesn’t ever seem to occur to them that there are different strokes for different folks and that just because something doesn’t appeal to THEM that other men might find it attractive in the extreme!
This cultural bias isn’t universal. I know, from first hand experience, that it isn’t true in Brazil, where May-December romances aren’t at all uncommon. Just as in the U.S., the majority of gay men there are most interested in a relationship with someone roughly their own age, but a significant minority find older men attractive (thank God). In cities like Rio and São Paulo there are even bars and dance clubs catering to older gay men and their younger admirers. (Of course, the admiration goes both ways.) In my own case, I met my now-husband ten years ago when he was 25 and I was 57! We met online and what started out as flirtation developed into a deeper relationship as we e-mailed and conversed via Skype and discovered that we were both searching for the same things in life and had similar views and interests! My husband is a guy most gay men would consider hot and very good-looking and he could easily be with someone his own age, if he so chose. I asked him, not long after we met, what it was that he found attractive about me and his answer was basically my maturity and experience! Plus he thinks I’m cute! (And, for someone who is now practically older than God, I think I’m still pretty cute, too!) My husband is also physically attracted to hunky guys his own age, but he considers them as playthings, not as relationship material. He finds them too immature and irresponsible to be capable of a really meaningful relationship!
Obviously, that’s just HIS viewpoint, but that’s how he feels and I’m certainly glad that it brought us together. It’s been over 10 years now since we met, and we finally married in New York last year, anticipating that DOMA would be overturned. Our marriage is also recognized in Brazil. So this hasn’t just been a flash in the pan! However, my husband’s viewpoint partly reflects the relative lack of ageism in Brazilian culture, compared to the U.S. Inter-generational friendships are common. My husband’s friends in Brazil are mostly his own age and I have NEVER been made to feel inappropriate or out-of-place when we’ve been together, and some of his friends have now become my friends, as well. I’ve never been made to feel that I shouldn’t be there when we’re all together, and they don’t treat me any differently than they treat their other friends. This may seem odd to Americans, but Brazilians (who are certainly as into good looks as any people on the planet) seem to have the ability to look past the superficial appearance and see the person inside. It will undoubtedly come as a surprise to younger Americans reading this, but there’s often a huge difference between many older people’s mental ages and self-images and their actual chronological age! I don’t feel and think very differently now than when I was 35 and it’s always a shock when I spot myself in a mirror and find myself wondering who that old guy is! :) Since my attitude and behaviors aren’t “old” our Brazilian friends don’t treat me as old. They also understand when I generally excuse myself from going with them to the clubs and other all0night activities! My mind may be 35, but my body isn’t and usually by midnight it’s telling me “bedtime!” and our friends don’t bug me when I decline an invitation to go along with them! Once in a while I HAVE gone with them, and it’s been just fine, but in general I must admit to feeling that I’ve been there and done that as far as bars and clubs go and am just as happy to enjoy the comforts of my own bed. But, as you can see, not everyone and not every culture react to May-December romances the way Americans generally do. It’s one thing Americans, and especially American gay men, could learn from countries like Brazil. There is a much wider range of attractions and relationships out there than the ones Americans seem to think are “appropriate.”
@specialbottom:Honesty is always the best policy. I recommend an open honest conversation with him. If you feel he is not the one for you, tell him. Happy Birthday to you and good luck!
I think that your recommendation is right on target. However, I have twice tried to explaint to this young man all the reason why we are not a good match. He ignores my comments or counters them with his own opinion or fantasy. Today, I tried to use my birthday as another attempt to end the relationship. I texted him that it was my 70th birthday. I added that I was “too ancient” for a 28 year old like him. He simply replied that he would get me a nice birthday present. He refers to me as “sweetie”, “babe” and “my boyfriend.” He is just being unrealistic. I have never said that I loved him nor that I was ready to commit to a relationship with him. Whether he is sincerely interested in me or is just seeking a sugar daddy, I can’t seem to get him to understand what I am saying. I am not a person inclined to hurt anyone, but I am at a loss on how to handle this without totally undermining his self-esteem and his desire for love. Does anyone have any suggestions for ways that I can approach this situation? Is there a kind way to tell him that it s over? Frankly, there is another man closer to my age who is very interested in me. I have know this man for several years from attending a Gay nudist gathering. Although I never flirted with him, I have had a crush on him for some time. Recently we have been communicating by email and phone. Both he and I are extremely interested in getting even better acquainted and in dating with the possibility of a committed relationship. Unlike the younger man, this older man and I communicate extremely well and we share many similar values. He is coming to stay with me in January and we have already agreed to be sexually intimate. In his phone calls and emails, I see a definite chance of our ending up in a committed relationship or marriage. I am attracted to his maturity and his values.
Right now, I feel caught in an awkward situation of trying to move forward with dating someone who reflects a real potential for becoming a loving partner or spouse. I feel guilty that I have let the relationship with the young man carry on much too long. In the past, I have told him that the relationship was over and that my decision was final. Undaunted, he has continued to pursue me. Due to his very conservative upbringing, we have not progressed to actual sex, but we have engaged in heavy make-out sessions. I probably should never have let this happen. One friend commented that at some level I was probably enjoying reliving my youth in being with this young man even though I saw to future.
Please don’t lambast me (no flaming messages). At this point, I just need some practical suggestions to end the unrealistic infatuation of the young man and move on with my life. Even if i don’t find a partner, I realize that i would be better off as a single man than plunging into a hopeless situation.
Thank for any help.
Funny, older straight women seem to have the biggest problems with IG gay couples in my limited experience. I’m 61 and my bf is 25. HE’s the one who’ll get right in their faces when (inevitably and unfortunately) some old biddy gives us a hard time in public.
Also surprisingly, very ‘gay’ gays, the “out-loud-and-proud-the-world revolves-around-me-and-my-gayness” types can be pretty sneering and snippy.
Funny old world, eh? It wasn’t that long ago when being gay in public meant arrest, job loss eviction, probably name in the newspaper and all that fun stuff. So taking a bit of sneering is nothing to taking a trip to the slammer like in the bad old days.
We’re just happy together.
@trilingual1946: @ trilingual1946 Very astute observations. You’ve obviously been around the block once or twice :)
Neither by bf nor I would be caught dead in a gay bar. Good thing as we’d be unlikely to find much of a warm welcome there anyway.
There’s another IG+IC couple in the next block of flats: one guy is well over 70 (compared to my 61) and his partner is about the same age as my bf (25).
To your point, trilingual1946, yes both relationships are INTERCULTURAL + INTERGENERATIONAL.
However, when I was out dating, more than a few local under 30s were interested in me for LTR so I could have ended up with an IG but not IC relationship. It just worked out the way it did with IG+IC.
For those who think the bf is a gold digger: He makes more than I do and we both work full time.
@R2112: Then you shouldn’t be allowed to drink, serve in the military, vote, make you own healthcare decisions, or decide what you want to study in college, which is most likely going to have a much greater impact on the rest of your life than a successful or unsuccessful love/sex affair.
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