For those of us who have moved far away from home in search of a more accepting community, the holidays can be a weird slingshot back into the lives we intentionally parted from.
Awkward family dynamics, small towns with no gay bars and that feeling you’re 17 again can all be uncomfortable reminders of why you moved away in the first place.
Still, you only get one family. We wanted to hear from those heading back homo for the holidays, so we asked Whisper to give us the rundown on what they’ve been seeing.
Anything sound familiar?
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Desert Boy
You have the right to live an authentic life and if this means cutting ties with your bigoted family, then cut the ties. Maintaining ties with bigots is unhealthy and will have negative consequences on you.
TrueWords
So many people (both gay and straight) are bringing the wood and nails to the party…create your own family…also why oh why do people ask people to be or to do something that you know that they are NOT for the “holidays”…when you spend most of your life apart from them to begin with…I do not blame the people I blame the gay or straight person for “asking the wrong person to do or be the right thing”…
Captain proton
it’s been advised many times not to come out by announcing you have a boyfriend. People who have a hard time accepting the new image of you are likely to find the boyfriend situation too much to swallow and you may end up with a worse situation.
Billy Budd
I came out by saying to my dad: “I had sex with a boy and I liked it”. He said to me: “No!” and asked me to shut up. For years after this he still hoped I would “open my eyes” and become straight again. I think I came out the best way possible , but it still wasn’t a success story.
Taliaferro
I came out in 1969 when I was 19. I lost some friends, but realized they were not true friends. My late partner and I were out at work, socially, to our families, and very open in our sexuality. We realized that adults have two families, a biological family, over which they have no control, and a family of people with like values and interests, a family that they choose. Often this is the more vibrant and valued family. One’s family dictates to one only what one allows it to. I choose freedom and honesty.
Imagine20
These made me so sad. I’m straight. My cousin decided to come out on Fb this year by saying he was in a relationship. When I asked him via text if his relationship was with a guy, he said “Yes, and I’m happy.” My reply, “Great, that’s all I ever wanted for you was to be happy!” I’ve known he was gay for years and I know for the past few years it’s been an internal struggle. He’s now so happy. I haven’t seen him this happy, ever. I really love his now fiance. Has everyone in the family been so accepting? No. But now he knows instead of worrying and wondering what will happen when everyone knows.
If your family isn’t willing to accept you, sometimes it is better to cut ties (obviously only if you support yourself and don’t live with them). When you decide to come out, you never know who in your family will surprise you and support you. Family is supposed to love and accept you unconditionally whether or not they fully understand you. When that doesn’t happen they become merely people you’re related to. You cannot live your life for your family or your friends. At the end of the day, your life is about being and living true to yourself, no matter how difficult that may be sometimes.
cflekken
This makes me sad, but it’s still our reality. Let’s all hope that one day these types of sentiments will no longer be needed. But, that’s a very long road to travel still. I never pretended to be something I wasn’t after high school. I brought female friends to weddings mainly so I had someone to dance with, but I never presented them as a girlfriend or as a date. I never brought a female to a family function. But I never “came out” either because I didn’t feel I had to since none of my straight family ever had to. At the same time, if anyone ever asked me directly if I was gay, I wouldn’t deny it. But no one ever did. Instead, they chose to have conversations behind my back (which I was and am completely fine with). My Mom finally asked me straight up and I told her and she said she loved me nonetheless. She cried a bit because she wanted me to give her grandkids, but I said that wouldn’t be possible from a “traditional” heater relationship from me. After she went home I know she told all of my siblings, and I wasn’t sure what to expect for Christmas. But, they all stated they wanted me to come home, so I assume all is good. Unfortunately, I had to cancel my trip home.
NoCagada
Sometimes, you just have to get the family together and play a good old-fashioned game of Cornhole!
Chris
I do not think there any such thing as a perfect response to a homophobic, non-supportive family. But also, I think that each of us has an authentic response that allows us to get through these “holidays” as quickly and painlessly as they possibly can. Best wishes and happy holidays; it does get better.
Ridpathos
I lived through years of hell phasing from pretending I wasn’t gay to myself. Then lying to my family. And then telling my family, and having them be in denial, and finally getting a boyfriend, and then moving out on my own completely supporting myself.
I still haven’t talked to them after 5 years, and I haven’t been happier. My extended family has tried to reach out to me, and I did hang out with some of them today. It was fun. My BF was worried that that would make my family mad, but he fails to realize, that it’s way past the point of them being mad or not. They’re no longer my family and I don’t give a damn what they feel because they didn’t give a damn about me.
Chris
@Ridpathos: Nice! And congrats.
jason smeds
You’ve got to understand that parenthood is based on the nuclear family. Male homosexuality is perceived by parents to be a threat to the structure of this nuclear arrangement.
I also think that a lot of parents are concerned by the lifestyle that is offered to men who identify as gay. Let’s face it – promiscuity is encouraged. The gay male scene is built on a sex act. You have promiscuity and fetishes all mixed together under this selling point called “the gay scene”.
A mother doesn’t want her son to end up in a VD clinic, basically.
Liam
When I came out (1973), I told my insane-Xtian family “I’m gay. If you don’t like it, I never have to see any of you again.”
Liam
@jason smeds: And he’d never get VD from a woman or a prostitute.
Claiming parents homophobia just shows their caring for their children is really just a shallow alibi for really bad parenting.
jason smeds
Liam,
You can catch VD from anybody. It is not confined to any particular identity. What I’m pointing out is that the gay male scene has that extra level of promiscuity as it involves the coming together of two very high and constant sex drives.