The front page headline of America’s most reputable news outlet National Enquirer currently reads: “Dying Cher: The End.”
According to the tabloid, the 69-year-old Marc Jacobs model has become “obsessed with her late ex-husband, Sonny Bono, and believes she’ll soon join him.”
The paper quotes a “friend” of the dance diva saying, “Cher goes to his gravesite with flowers and comes back all weepy and looking like death warmed over. She’s even cried, ‘I’m ready to be with Sonny again.'”
“Cher truly believes the end is near for her,” the friend claims.
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Related: 12 More Pearls Of Wisdom Gathered From Cher’s Twitter Account
When she’s not weeping at Sonny’s gravesite, she’s “confined herself to her Malibu mansion” waiting to expire, the Enquirer reports.
So what’s the issue? Is she depressed? Is she sick?
According to the tabloid, she’s suffering “kidney and heart failure” and a result of some bizarre “lethal virus.” Or something.
Well, you can all relax because a rep for the singer has just confirmed to the blog Gossip Cop that the story is completely “false.” Cher is perfectly fine. In fact, she’s currently traveling in Istanbul.
If that’s not enough of a reassurance for people, then this recent tweet from the dance diva should be:
Going to wash my hair Put make up on. Off on new adventure.
— Cher (@cher) July 6, 2015
We think we speak for everyone when we say: Thank goodness! As much as we loved Jennifer Lawrence’s recent Cher impersonation, no one will ever fill her place.
Long live the queen.
Related: Cher Is Hawking Holiday Gear On Her Website… And It’s Kind Of Amazing
Glücklich
Doesn’t the Enquirer put this story out about every five years?
Shit, Cher’s about two hundred, right? No-talent hack couldn’t carry tune if it came with a handle nor can she act her way out of a paper bag.
Oh settle down. I’m only joking.
Loretta Castorini: In time you’ll drop dead and I’ll come to your funeral in a red dress!
(can’t find a clip, but found the makeover clip – also amazing).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LMYry0ejxk
Desert Boy
Cher is alive and well and plans to finish the remaining cities on her tour she was forced to cancel last year. Plus, what I was told is, she’s working on a new album!
Glücklich
@Desert Boy:
Good to hear.
I’m not a fan of her music past the 70’s and I’d like to see her make some more films like “Moonstruck” and “Witches of Eastwick” but I bet she’s a riot to hang out with and is a wonderful friend.
Bob LaBlah
I wake up EVERY morning around three, walk down the hallway to the bathroom, take a whiz, any go back to bed. I think its time for me to get a twitter account and tell the world about it.
level75RDM
It’s shameful Queerty even thought to dignify the National Enquirer with a post.
brianrio66
An absolute icon, – an amazing talent and human being, – and can you think of anyone more interesting to have at a party1
BlueDude
Beloved Diva! I pray she just keeps on keepin’ on. There’s absolutely NO ONE who even begins to be her kinda fabulous! All her detractors can S. T. F. U.
Finrod
I live down the street from Sonny’s grave, and I certainly haven’t run into her lately. Or ever, since the funeral.
seaguy
The Enquirer is owned by American Media who also owns the Sun Tabloid and the Globe Tabloid. This Cher story was obviously more suited to one of those sister tabs which tend to run the more outlandish celebrity stories. The Enquirer does get it right sometimes though. They broke the the John Edwards cheating scandal story.
Chris Hornick
Why do they keep targeting her for false death stories?
Bob LaBlah
It only took twenty years for Elizabeth Taylor to finally die.
Giancarlo85
@Chris Hornick: It’s called tabloids. That’s what they always do.
Glücklich
@Bob LaBlah:
Liz and my maternal grandmother were on nearly the same timeline. For twenty years it might be her “last Christmas” or her “last birthday” or her “last Arbor Day.” None of her family could stand her. When she *FINALLY* bought the farm, I made a brief appearance at the memorial, on my lunch hour, and went right back to the office. My mother and I still make fun of her.
Glücklich
@Giancarlo85:
Ever notice how they aim false death rumors only at folks who are/were slightly tragic to begin with? Liz Taylor, Cher, John Voight, Micky Rooney…
I mean shit, you can see Betty White in the Bayeux Tapestry entertaining the troops before the Norman Conquest and I’ve never seen a story about her being on her deathbed.