Heartbreaking coming out stories are unfortunately still all too common, but it’s important we keep listening to them in order to know what we’re up against.
But it’s also a huge bummer, which is why we’re thrilled to share this recent anecdote from a father who discovered his teen son is gay.
“Earlier today, my oldest son left his cell phone on the living room table. I noticed that someone has been blowing his cell up, and curious ol’ me decided to see what was going on,” he wrote to the AskGayBros Reddit channel. “Well, I learned that he has been dating this boy from, what I assume to be his high school. I am not experienced on this topic, never really have been, til now at least.”
He continued:
“I’d like to clarify that I love both of my sons and would continue to do so no matter what. I’m a 37 year old from Arkansas. My son is 16, turning 17 in a few months.
I’m basically asking for advice. My wife doesn’t know, and my son doesn’t know that I know. I’m going to post this tonight (Feb 10), and attempt to answer any advice given to me when I get home from work. Apologies if I’m off topic. I simply searched “ask gay” and I got here. Moderators, if you do not want me here, just say so, no hard feelings. I would appreciate it if someone would give a stranger some kind advice. :)”
Related: This Dad’s Response To His Twin Sons Coming Out Is 100 Percent Perfect
How about we take this to the next level?
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Advice poured in, suggesting everything from “find a local PFLAG group” to “don’t approach him directly, just stay supportive.”
In a follow-up post, he shared how the big moment finally went down:
“Today has been a really eventful day.
It all started with me casually asking my oldest if he’s seeing anyone this Valentine’s Day. I noticed that he got a little uncomfortable, and as any father would, I asked him what’s wrong. He went on about if I’d accept him no matter what. Well, as yall know, I 100% support my son, and after I told him that, he beat around the bush for a good 20 minutes. He ended up telling me that he’s gay, and has been seeing someone (which I already knew, of course). My wife and younger son were there, and everyone was happy with each other.
His boyfriend is a 17 year old skinny blonde guy, who is out to his parents. My son allowed my wife and I to speak to him over the phone, and he seemed really sweet and caring. The boyfriend’s mother and my wife spoke to each other, and we decided to set up a little get-together, just to get to know eachother. My son and his boyfriend are going on a date to a local movie theater while the rest of us are meeting up, which will happen on the 14th.I’m glad everything turned out great. In the end of the day, the only thing I want to see is my for my son to be happy, and I think he’s found that happiness.”
More of this, please!
Corey Walker
The follow up seems to sweet
writejordan
What a GREAT dad.
avesraggiana
Is this for real?!?! What a great dad! And what terrific parents!
Colin Stephen Anderson McIntosh
Beautiful parenting.
Nahald
AWESOME father this kid has. I hope other parents who find themselves in the same postion can learn from him.
Ben Charles Hauge
So sweet I wish every coming out went this well. Wish this kid and his BF all the best. Thank you to the parents for fully supporting your child. True unconditional Love
Josh447
Can’t have too many of these articles for scared gay guys to read. They are really excellent. Every time someone comes out and we hear about it, it makes it easier for the next guy.
Just do it bud. There. Done, over. You’re free.
Billy Budd
Adorable kid and adorable dad.
Wallace Walker-Saldivar
My dad had me to sit in his lap and told me the of his unconditional love for his children.
1EqualityUSA
Josh447, “You’re free.” perfect. The burden lifts and everything else follows suit. Confidence, heightened clarity, creativity, and relief. Amazing. You’re free.
DCguy
This is why the right wingers keep pushing for discrimination laws. The more people see LGBT people out there, the more accepting they become. Decades ago some parent in Arkansas wouldn’t have been supportive because even if they didn’t mind, they would be terrified that their child would never find a job, would be beaten and arrested.
As non-discrimination and acceptance becomes the norm it is horrible for the bigots, (And every GOP Presidential candidate) Because even people in the Bible belt or places like Utah are picking their children over the hateful anti-LGBT rhetoric.
Good for this dad and his family!
ebayguy4u
Wish my family had been so supportive! Jealous and happy for this kid and his family.
Glücklich
@Josh447:
cc: @1EqualityUSA:
HIGH FIVE!
Off topic, but I’m curious. I’ve never been to AR so maybe on the ground it’s not as backward as most of us assume/it is portrayed. To those to whom AR is more familiar, would it be more likely this story played out in Bentonville than some other place? Bentonville being Walmart’s HQ, there are a lot big of Walmart suppliers who have offices there attracting a lot of people from all over the country to work specifically on the Walmart account, so maybe it’s a relatively liberal area. Thoughts?
Ron Russell
This was done right.
Steve318
One more boy allowed to be himself, and one more family kept together instead of torn apart. The world is changing one person at a time, and thankfully, the speed is increasing.
AJAnders
Get more Arkansas residents like this and the state could relieve the stench from that horrible Duggar family.
Bauhaus
@DCguy:
Excellent comment. The GOP is now up against younger Republican voters, who are overwhelmingly pro-gay rights, and have had enough of bigotry, hypocrisy, and phony church dogma. “Religious freedom” bills are nothing more than the GOP’s death rattle.
It’s always heartwarming when a father loves his child (family) more than church dogma, politics, or what the neighbors think. True family values.
Captain Obvious
Well that was a cute story.
brianrio66
Cool Dad & Mom. Smart parents.
del605
I am in agreement with all the comments that this was a great story and having worked on a GLBT Hotline in NYC and hearing many “not so great” stories, it was refreshing.
That said, I do have a question about how they handled the situation in terms of the mother getting on the phone with the boyfriend, the parents talking, them setting up a meeting, etc. Would they have done the exact same thing if it were a girl? Being accepting and support is great and not to be ignored, but it will be nice when just because it’s a same-sex situation it doesn’t get treated “special” or “different” but just like any other situation and gender doesn’t make the handling of it any more different or difficult.
Again, kudos to the family because we’re not there yet where it doesn’t matter and the boy is lucky and should appreciate having such a positive experience. Someday the question will be just “what’s their name” and not matter what gender. Just like someday it should be a wedding and not have to preface it with “same-sex”.
Jaroslaw
While I’m not ancient yet, I’m well into middle age – I am happy beyond words to hear stories like this. I never thought when I was 17 this would ever be possible. Not in my wildest imagination. Lucky kid. Which is not to say my parents were religious hateful nuts, they weren’t. But they were still quite a ways from “we love you no matter what.” Evidenced by asking about grandchildren until I was about 40. 🙂
Jaroslaw
@del605: Well, the boy himself wasn’t comfortable telling his parents, so right there it is obviously an atypical situation. Given that religion and conformity has been a part of humanity since the beginning, there will never be 100% acceptance of homosexuality due to its quite minority status. Factoring all that in, I wouldn’t say it was terribly unusual for the parents to arrange a meeting.
fireman452
This is a terrific story. Just one “BUT”. Several people have stated – that this will help others just DO IT. Get it over with, done, There! Sure, once you come out to your parents you are done THERE, but at least my experience has been that this is a continuing process. It is really NEVER done! My husband and I were the lead plaintiffs in the Florida Marriage Equality Case. How much more out can you get? Yet we are still having to let folks know that WE are a couple and just because one or both of us does not have a woman on our arm does not signal AVAILABLE!!
robho3
Wow I wish I had a family like that when I was a kid. My family confronted me and made me come out to them and then they sent me away to boarding school because they were convinced that I was gay because of the people I was hanging around. Now days everything is fine but damn I went through a lot of crap.
Dakotahgeo
What a heart-warming true story! As a minister, I counseled a number of parents and young people on this subject and it was so affirming when I could support their decision to fully accept their children, all of their children! It was pure sorrow to experience those parents who could not accept the child that God had given them! That is the time to give all the resources possible to the offended youth!
Arconcyyon
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enlightenone
Parenting just right!
ChutneyGray
This story made me cry for joy.
ohiostud
@del605:
Actually, I do not think the decision to speak to or meet with the other parents was in any way treating this situation with special scrutiny. Many parents of straight teens do this… and some do not… so it’s just a matter of to which habit this boy’s parents were accustomed in handling teen dating. Perhaps the parents wanted to formally acknowledge to the other parent(s) that they were completely supportive of the sons’ relationship, to clarify there would be no concerns regarding that matter. And the wonderful parents of this teen do deserve to meet other like-minded extraordinary parents. So in this case I see the added scrutiny as completely acceptable and welcome.
Brian
The father shouldn’t assume that his son identifies as gay. If his son is in a same-sex relationship, it doesn’t mean that he identifies as gay. Nor should it mean that he has to identify as gay.
We need to avoid pushing males into the “false gay” category. This pushing of males into the false gay category occurs because we refuse to believe that homosexuality can be part of the mix in a male’s life. Liberals are particularly guilty of this.
Women are also very guilty of pushing men into the false gay category.
In the majority of men, homosexuality is part of the mix, and not the be all, end all. Gay-identifying men also need to stop pushing men into the false gay category to satisfy their need for poster children.
fredhotman
These parents are good parents. This how parents should be: accepting & supportive. It proves that they love the children & their love is paramount. No outside influence such a reactionary religion or bad mouthing should influence such a wonderful gift : parental love
michaelmt1009
WOW thank you for sharing this story. Its the sweet happy ending that so many of us longed for. What a great Dad.
NoCagada
@Brian: “The father shouldn’t assume that his son identifies as gay”
He didn’t. Read again and try to find some sense in your head.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
gaym50ish
I am sick of reading these “heartwarming” coming-out stories and comments about how wonderful the parents are.
“Wonderful” parents are those who make it clear to kids from the time they are toddlers that some boys like boys and some girls like girls — and that it’s normal and OK. Wonderful parents are openly supportive of gay people, so kids know where they stand on the issue. They make it abundantly clear to their kids that they can talk to them about anything. They encourage their kids to treat all people equally and befriend the sissy kid or the one who’s fat, nerdy or unpopular.
Worse yet is the advice of some gay people who tell parents, “Don’t force the issue — wait until he’s ready to tell you.” This creates a “stand-off” situation that is not healthy for the kid who is agonizing over whether to come out. The parents say, “We knew, but we wanted to wait until you were ready to tell us.” The kid says, “I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid of how you would react.” So the kid has been dying a slow death for years while keeping his secret from his parents.
No kid should reach the age of 17 without knowing how his parents will react to his coming-out. He should have known for his entire childhood. This father said, “I am not experienced on this topic,” but he should have made sure he was educated on the subject before even HAVING children.
Sluggo2007
@gaym50ish: Bitter much?
Dakotahgeo
@Sluggo2007: You’ve hit the real issue with gaym50ish! I’m a gay ordained Christian minister and I have counseled young people and married couples all my life and this case was handled perfectly. NO ONE is expected to know who their children will be at any age! One can speculate but to second guess this situation is a waste of time. Education/information comes with age. This father handled it perfectly! Some people are bitter because they didn’t get the same ‘breaks’ in life. Oh wellll…..
strix1
Lucky son and lucky parents!
pastafazool
the parents did not have to talk to the boyfriend on the phone, or to his parents, or to meet with his parents. this makes absolutely no sense.
Chris
The parents were doing what parents have been doing for their heterosexual kids since time immemorial: meddling in their children’s love life. And for this, they get additional props.
pastafazool
Parents should get involved in their children’s social life quite early, watch over them to see if they are good at choosing friends, so that when the time comes when it is no longer appropriate for them to meddle, i.e. when sex is involved, then they know their kids have acquired the social skills to make good choices. I understand that this can take more time with some youngsters. If there is still a need when the kid is 16 and older, they must make their involvement more discrete, more indirect, inviting the kid to DISCUSS his concerns, etc. but NOT interfere with phone conversations and certainly NOT meeting the parents of the other kid. That is truly mortifying.
pastafazool
@gaym50ish: I TOTALLY AGREE.
and I will add: if a young person is not sure what his parents think of the issue, then THEY DON’T DESERVE that he come out to them. You didn’t want to know? Fine, you WON’T know. it’s nice to be discrete, but often it borders on indifference. it’s your KID’S LIFE, for pete’s sake! Of course, it’s your business!!!
Donald Dork
Fathers like this are a real problem. The problem being there aren’t enough of them
Donald Dork
@Brian: Shades of Louis Farrakhan talking about “False Jews.”
gaym50ish
@Dakotahgeo: A parent does not have to know or second-guess how their children will develop — just to be open to whatever they turn out to be, and to make that perfectly CLEAR from an early age.
And education on this or any subject can be handled deftly at EVERY age. There are age-appropriate ways to teach little kids about gay relationships, and the pre-puberty discussions don’t have to be any more sexual than the Cinderella story.
If kids are aware that a parent is supportive of gay people and that they can talk to them about any kind of feelings, it makes it much less likely that the kid will suffer from depression, suicidal thoughts, or simply an overwhelming anxiety about coming out. And if he’ straight, it’s less likely that he’ll be one of those homophobic bullies beating up the sissy kid on the playground.
If kids are taught about gay relationships at an early age, you can’t lose whether they turn out to be gay or straight. So why wait for them to “come out” before having those discussions? Some parents wait too long to let them know that being gay is OK, and then they wonder why the kid put a bullet in his head.
BRENT
@gaym50ish: Dakotahgeo:- Everyone here seems to be delighted with this story except you. I feel sorry for you if you cannot see the simple joy in it, I really do.
Dakotahgeo
@BRENT: Thank you, Brent. I can’t imagine anyone being upset by this beautiful story! UNLESS, of course, they’re upset about ‘something’ within themselves! Kudos!
avesraggiana
@BRENT: I was thinking the exact same thing, to which I would only add Bambi’s mother’s admonishment, circa 1950s, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything…”
Dakotahgeo
@avesraggiana: LOLOL… your comment reminded me of my reaction to Evil Scalia’s demise: Mama told me to only speak good about the dead and she was right… Scalia is dead… GOOD! (Just an aside.).
bearfuzzlover
When a son is “discovered” to be gay by parents, it is a fraught time. Mothers are usually best at accepting it, but when fathers do, it is a bond well worth having (and although it may be fictional, High School musical Glee’s Kurt and his father is a wonderful example).
Unfortunately it is not always an easy passage being a teenager and gay. Most are too young to live independently, so what if their parents do not accept their son is gay, and asked to leave – where do they go and what support will they receive. I believe better education in schools that involves parents of gay children is one way forward, so the story here is one of admiration and support, and offers a positive role model for parents and not just fathers for gay children.
To deny a gay son (or daughter) the same sex love is wrong unless there is a disparity in their ages; e.g., an adult with a 10 year old, etc. But, in general a young love and heartbreak go together like Cupid and his arrows, and something that should not happen. We should support them as much as we can. They should no differently to other straight siblings.
Bravo to this father. May others learn from his experiences and the support he has given.
gaym50ish
@BRENT: You and Dakotahgeo are misinterpreting or simply not reading what I have written. Of COURSE I can be happy for the kid that his parents accepted him and love him, and of COURSE there is joy in that. But, as I wrote above, NO kid should get to that age and be certain about his sexuality but NOT know for certain how his parents will react.
It is time to stop praising parents who have never accepted that they MIGHT have a gay child and have waited until the dramatic coming-out announcement to voice their support. That is sometimes too late to avoid the negative effects of growing up gay, which include, at best, low self-esteem — and, at worst, depression, bullying, bad grades, drug and alcohol abuse and sometimes suicide. You have all seen these things in gay teens and know what I’m talking about.
In his book, “Straight Parents, Gay Children,” Robert Bernstein, a former VP of PFLAG, describes his “overriding regret” that he was not there for his lesbian daughter when she needed him most. “I like to think that we could have spared her years of inner terror and doubt,” he wrote. “…that we would have given her the time and emotional space to discover for herself, without fear or panic, the nature of her sexual identity; that we would have assured her that whatever her orientation might be, it would never diminish either her worth as a person or our own love for her.”
1EqualityUSA
Wondering what Scalia would have said to the lad.
oh, and Brian, how much did you get paid to express that drivel-boil? Change your name to “Lance” so that you can be, both, a noun and a verb. Action verb….Lance.
Andrew Yang
@Dakotahgeo: Where are you located, if you don’t mind me asking?
Dakotahgeo
Not a problem, Andrew! I spend half a year in Bauru, Brazil with my long time partner and my e-mail address is [email protected]
George M Melby, M.Div. Pastor/Hospital-Hospice Chaplain (Retired, sorta!) 🙂
Andrew Yang
@Dakotahgeo: Thanks much George. I will email you privately.
Dakotahgeo
@Andrew Yang: I look forward to it!! Blessings and Peace! Dak! aka Pastor George. (Forget the title.).