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CAREER PLANNING

Five Career Suggestions for Newly Unemployed Anti-Gay Marriage Activist Maggie Gallagher

maggie-gallagherMaggie Gallagher kind of admitted defeat on the whole marriage discrimination thing, and hinted that she’s on the hunt for a new career.

“I have a lot more freedom now to figure out what I want to do with the next 20 years of my life,” she told Lila Shapiro. Freedom’s a good thing, too. The demise of her cause mean same-sex couples have a lot more freedom, too.

Maggie’s kept out of the public view for the last year or so, probably because she knows there’s not much of a future in arguing that gays and lesbians shouldn’t be treated like everyone else. She still stands by her opinions about us, of course: that we are sub-optimal parents, and that because we do not achieve her platonic heterosexual ideal we shouldn’t be allowed to marry.

(Judge Friedman in Michigan eviscerated this argument in his ruling last week. “Taken the state defendants’ position to its logical conclusion, the empirical evidence at hand should require that only rich, educated, suburban-dwelling, married Asians may marry, to the exclusion of all other heterosexual couples,” Judge Friedman wrote.)

So, what’s next for Ms. Gallagher? We thought we’d put together a few helpful career suggestions as she updates her LinkedIn profile. In our previous article, commenters made suggestions about her spending her new free time on diet and exercise, but we aren’t big on that attitude. Maggie has plenty of shameful intellectual arguments; resorting to body-shaming is simply uncool.

Sex Therapist

Back in 2000, Maggie wrote that being gay “is a sexual disability preventing certain individuals from participating in the normal reproductive patterns of the human species.” Her concern for the disabled is touching. Maybe she’d like to go to medical school and become a counselor for people dealing with actual sexual dysfunctions. You know, like Mormonism, which has a Law of Chastity that forbids pre-marital sex and infidelity after marriage. That rule certainly prevents Mormons for participating in the (highly libidinous) normal reproductive patterns of the human species.

As a sex therapist, she could help married couples together rather than keeping them apart, a win-win for same and opposite sex couples alike.

Or maybe she could become an evolutionary biologist? Whatever.

Baker

“I oppose extending anti-discrimination laws to gays,” she wrote in 1996. That was fairly prescient, since here we are nearly 20 years later, still debating that very same issue! But these days, many states do extend anti-discrimination laws to LGBTs. So what better way to challenge those laws than by opening a bakery, advertising in a gay newspaper, and then refusing to bake a cake for a gay couple? It wouldn’t even have to be in one of the states that offers marriage; she could do it in Florida or Alaska or Nebraska or wherever.

Wrestling Promoter

Behind the scenes, Maggie’s been quite the pugilist. Her secret NOM memos cite their goal to “drive a wedge between gays and blacks” and “provoke the gay marriage base into responding by denouncing (black) spokesmen and women as bigots” and “fanning the hostility” between LGBTs and African Americans. Fight fight fight fight!

Meteorologist

Remember when NOM made that “Gathering Storm” ad, with all the people quaking in front of a green screen about the menacing gays? She could definitely parlay that into a career as a weather forecaster. Weather and traffic on the tens with Maggie!

Our Friend

We kid, but in all truth we kind of love Maggie. She’s unafraid, she’s direct, she’s even funny when she wants to be. We completely disagree with her on some pretty fundamental things, but we also have friends who think recycling is a waste of time, promote libertarian overthrow of the Federal Reserve, and think Avery Brooks is the best Star Trek captain. A difference of opinion doesn’t mean we can’t totally be friends.

Call us, Maggie. Let’s hang out.

By:           matt baume
On:           Mar 27, 2014
Tagged: ,
  • 23 Comments
    • Rad
      Rad

      “…Call us, Maggie. Let’s hang out.”

      Um… no.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 9:48 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      Queerty Said……….
      “”We completely disagree with her on some pretty fundamental things, but we also have friends who think recycling is a waste of time, promote libertarian overthrow of the Federal Reserve, and think Avery Brooks is the best Star Trek captain. A difference of opinion doesn’t mean we can’t totally be friends.””

      __________________________________

      Wow, it would almost seem that Maggie wrote this herself. Not only did you minimize her past work, but you then compared her using multiple millions of dollars to attack civil rights, AND using false facts stated publicly on the air and in print to label all gays as paedophiles, abusers etc… But you then compare her opinions on gay rights to having a difference of opinion on recycling.

      That is the exact argument the right wing uses. “Oh gee, we aren’t bigots, we just have a difference of opinion”.

      Throw in a couple of “Fags” and this article could have been written by Shirley Phelps Roper.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 10:12 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • AxelDC
      AxelDC

      Shelly Winters biopic

      Mar 27, 2014 at 10:46 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @AxelDC:

      What have you got against Shelly Winters? lol

      Mar 27, 2014 at 10:53 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • AxelDC
      AxelDC

      I apologize, that was completely unfair to Ms. Winters.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 10:56 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ryanthehulk
      ryanthehulk

      She’s an opinionated big gal, as gays that is kind of our wheelhouse. Let’s just see if we can find some common ground. I propose a brunch summit.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 11:31 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ben Dover
      Ben Dover

      I seconded the baker idea the other day. Maggie probably knows her way around baking gear, and I doubt if it’s just the Betty Crocker & Duncan Hines box mixes. She probably knows it all from scratch! But there’s an occupational hazard in that she might explode.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 11:36 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dawson
      Dawson

      How about hair dresser. I am sure there might be at least one person who wants her dooo. Granted the person is probaly Fred Phelps. Oh, dead you know.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 12:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DistingueTraces
      DistingueTraces

      She is an odd one. My impression is that she accepted defeat some years ago and just sort of fatalistically kept on.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 12:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 1EqualityUSA
      1EqualityUSA

      She’ll start in on the Muslims now. Anything to get traction, right? Cha-ching! $$$$ Hateful people find a source for their dollars. These haters are so damned predictable.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 12:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @1EqualityUSA:

      I think their big thing now is Transgenders using bathrooms.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 1:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • blondeboyz
      blondeboyz

      Since she was such an expert on gays and lesbians (in her own mind) I would suggest she would have equal success as a hair dresser or in weight loss.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 2:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • tricky ricky
      tricky ricky

      @blondeboyz: amen to both! first the hair and then the figure.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 4:13 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 1EqualityUSA
      1EqualityUSA

      Cam, How come the (supposedly) spiritually minded ones are so hung up on molecules?

      Mar 27, 2014 at 4:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Daniel-Reader
      Daniel-Reader

      Making money violating the human rights of hundreds of millions of people – absolute evil.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 4:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jar
      jar

      Have the Mormons taken over again? There is nothing to recommend Maggie Gallagher for anything but laughingstock. She’s not very bright. She’s not attractive. She’s got no sense of humor (except perhaps sartorially). And she has bad politics, including fighting for the continued disenfranchisement of gays and lesbians around the world. But, then again, I’m apparently not as close to Maggie as the writers at Queerty (ahem).

      Mar 27, 2014 at 5:57 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mcflyer54
      mcflyer54

      Spokesperson for Weight Watchers. She certainly has experience in losing so that’s a plus. And when she loses at WW she won’t have to make up a bunch of excuses.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 7:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Desert Boy
      Desert Boy

      Maggie the Cow should join Jenny Craig and become their spokesperson.

      Mar 27, 2014 at 8:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kangol
      Kangol

      I’m all for forgiveness, but this hateful homoph0be should not be let off the hook. I don’t understand why people want to make nice with her, given all she’s done, but still go after Isaiah Washington, who actually apologized. Has she? Let’s not forget who’s the bigger threat to LGBTQ rights and equality.

      Maggie Arch-Homoph0be Gallagher should just go on The Biggest Loser, for obvious reasons (pun intendend).

      Mar 27, 2014 at 11:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Atomicrob
      Atomicrob

      Perhaps beauty school to become a hairstylist?

      Mar 28, 2014 at 4:18 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Billy Budd
      Billy Budd

      I am very sorry to say this to you guys, but she looks like she has down syndrome.

      Mar 28, 2014 at 8:47 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • SFHandyman
      SFHandyman

      @Billy Budd: That is very unfair to Downs Syndrome people. They look much happier and much more charming. They exude love and positive vibes.

      Nothing like Peg up there.

      Mar 30, 2014 at 4:15 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • SFHandyman
      SFHandyman

      @Billy Budd: Sorry I should have said “frequently”.

      Search on YouTube for a recent video called “Dear Future Mom”

      Mar 30, 2014 at 4:23 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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