With crystal meth among gay men becoming a hot topic again (Queerty readers had explosive reactions to a recent claim that gay men are dancing with death), we wondered what kind of hurdles await our gay brothers who are actually trying to beat their drug habits rather than withstanding yet another lecture. So we sought out some practical advice.
The biggest challenge, according to therapist and addiction expert David Fawcett, is beating the strong connection formed between drugs & booze and sex, particularly the startling connection between Meth and sex. It is the leading cause of relapse, Fawcett believes, because meth addicts have a hard time doing one without the other. Sex and booze pose a similar trap.
Related: Five Sexy Men On PrEP Explain Why They Are Taking The Pill
Fawcett has just released a new book, Lust, Men and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery. We asked him to outline five ways to break the dangerous connection between sex and addiction.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Fawcett’s five practical tips make sense for meth addicts, or anyone trying to recover from drug, alcohol, or sex addiction – or those just looking to push the reset button on their sex life.
1. Take a break from sex.
Okay, we may have lost most of you right there. But cleansing the palate is crucial for an addict who has been pigging out at the buffet for too long. “Sexual desire may be dormant for a while anyway,” says Fawcett, “and that’s not a bad thing.”
“The break also gives the brain a chance to readjust to a lower volume of stimulus,” adds Fawcett. In other words, after some time away from sex it might not take hours of porn and a cast of thousands to get to the finish line.
2. Get out of drug mode by changing your habits.
The constant drumbeat of sex and more sex that characterizes meth or sex addiction has to be arrested – before you’re arrested. To do it, avoid other drugs and even alcohol.
“Get rid of all your sexual apps and online hookup accounts,” says Fawcett, “and change your phone number and other contact information.” This might seem severe for a regular dude who just wants to get laid, but we’re talking about people caught in a dangerous spiral of compulsive sex and drugs. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And if you’ve got your eye on a hot new man, “make a date, not a hookup,” says Fawcett.
3. Don’t try recreating the addictive sex you remember.
Okay, so maybe you will miss the dark mysteries, groups, and base piggishness of your previous sex life. Get over it, says Fawcett. “It’s unsustainable, unhealthy, and ultimately unsatisfying,” he says.
And get ready to give up your favorite porn sites. “Porn keeps addictive thinking alive,” says our expert, “especially videos you associate with abuse.”
It also makes it tougher to get aroused in real life when you have unrealistic sexual Olympics playing in your head.
4. Redefine what sexual pleasure means to you.
Get out of your head and into your fingertips, Fawcett advises. “Rather than being up in your head with fantasies, many of them associated with being high, focus on physical sensations in the here and now.” Sounds like the good doctor just recommended lots of healthy masturbation. Score!
Our sex expert also believes you should do your best Cher impression and turn back time. “What got you off before you started acting compulsively?” Fawcett asks. “Those original thoughts are still there. Reclaim them.” Although sex without drugs might feel quiet and even scary compared to the outrageousness of sex wth drugs or alcohol, “it can also be more subtle, more intense, more erotic, and more satisfying,” says Fawcett.
5. Dial up your capacity for intimacy.
Drug-fueled sex is usually the opposite of emotional or intimate, so for addicts trying to recover, intimacy must be relearned. “Explore sex with one person at a time, once you begin having sex again,” Fawcett advises, “and stay consciously present with them during sex, not distracted with some fantasy in your head.”
To be a truly giving sexual partner, “grow your empathy,” Fawcett says. Treat the man under the sheets as someone you care about, not a slab of beef. Consider how your actions — your touch, your words — affect them. Selfishness is rarely sexy.
Finally, be patient. “Many gay men have never had sex without a substance of some kind,” says Fawcett. Rebuilding a healthy sex life – or building one for the first time – benefits from a healthy support systems, self-esteem, and perhaps a good therapist if your challenges continue.
o.codone
like booze, leave it alone for good.
BigG
Great article. So true. Many in sobriety suffer sexual problems, especially men in performing. Your body needs time to readjust and return to homeostasis. Avoid porn, sex, mastubation until your body recalibrates. It’s not easy, but you will be better in the long run. This goes for all addictions, depressants and stimulants.
jag4313
Being a former meth addict (sober for 8 years now), this article is on point.
Haightmale
This blog post is problematic on many levels, because it’s subjective, inflammatory, judgmental and untrue. I’m sure the book is a good one, and it’s too bad that this blog has no editorial standards to reflect that.
No one should be lectured in a blog post, especially people trying to “beat a drug habit” or overcome an addiction.
It would be nice if the writer cited facts. People use drugs for many reasons. Some individuals use drugs or alcohol every day, some a few times a year, and some less than that. Regardless, alcohol is more harmful than meth, weed, ghb, meow meow, and poppers combined. We don’t demonize alcohol use, so why do people demonize drugs? (Including the writer of this opinion piece and this blog.)
A “dangerous spiral” and arresting your libido before you’re “arrested” and “drug fueled” sex is the opposite of intimate, aren’t factual statements. Like the article about Danny Pintauro, why doesn’t this blog address the mental health issues and depression that are often undiagnosed, within the context of stories related to drugs and alcohol? Is it because a writer or this blog is ignorant? If that’s the case don’t write about it!
Addiction is an illness, not a moral failing. There are benign users of drugs and alcohol, and there are people who are destructive to themselves and others.
Empathy, compassion, love, and thoughtful intelligence should be the rule here – not the exception. And let’s stop demonizing people.
Queerty.com must do better. This blog post and others like it sucks. There’s no editorial standards left at all – just a lot of click bait.
Roy
Jiveinthe415.com and gayblog.net
Lvng1Tor
@Haightmale: While I agree with you on the writers judgmental comments (they were not needed and are insulting) the advice is sound for many people. Like the people commenting above you, I used these same techniques and learned these same lessons as I rid my life of meth. Not every blog/article/book can possibly cover every individuals experience. Trying to make it conform to yours is not keeping an open mind or being helpful. You need to meet people where they are, not where you want them to be. That’s what this blog piece (at least the tips from the book) does. Maybe not for you but for a lot of people, and that’s great. I found that in all the therapy and support groups that I attended, most of which were populated by straight people, they rarely talked about the sexual side affects. We need to do this more. Whether it’s because sex is still so stupidly taboo or the extra stupid Men/Virility/Masculinity/Gay complex we have in our subculture, I don’t know. What I do know is that the emotional side, the depression and addiction is talked about a lot…not the sex.
“Like the article about Danny Pintauro, why doesn’t this blog address the mental health issues and depression that are often undiagnosed, within the context of stories related to drugs and alcohol? Is it because a writer or this blog is ignorant? If that’s the case don’t write about it!”
So if the writer can’t cover every conceivable angel they shouldn’t help people at all? WTF! This article is about a specific target which is tips for sex after addiction, oh and it’s a blog piece..if you want to learn more, use google or buy the book.
Just like the queerty author of this piece you are making it more about you than the possible people it could help. I don’t know if you are a meth user or were one, but I know probably over a hundred msm former users (part of my jobs)and for many this article will resonate and be helpful.
One thing i wish the book went into is also the body image issue after meth. I honestly thought I looked great while using. Looking back I didn’t but I thought I did. Flat almost 6pack stomach, thin but with muscle. After quitting the first year I gained almost 50lbs, none of it muscle. That came with it’s own set of issues for me and definitely played into my feeling sexual, desirable and able to perform. It took a couple years to get my body healthy and strong and my mind able to understand that I am in my 40’s and the type of discipline, time and commitment to get that ideal body back (healthier ideal body) is not something I can do right now, nor is it it probable at any time in the near future. That takes some getting used to.
Over all thanks for this blog post I think it can help a lot of people…next time keep the a@@hole opinion inserts to yourself. They do undermine the good you can do with the overall piece.
Stache99
@Haightmale: “alcohol is more harmful than meth, weed, ghb, meow meow, and poppers combined. We don’t demonize alcohol use, so why do people demonize drugs? (Including the writer of this opinion piece and this blog.)”
Wrong. If you think that Meth is safer than alcohol you’re just insane.
notevenwrong
Not everyone wants (or should want) intimacy from sex all the time, so much of this advice isn’t really relevant to many guys.
In any case, group sex is often also a different kind of intimacy, in a “tribal” sense. But guys who like group sex should know that it can be done (and is done all the time) without hard drugs. For example, a little weed for me and I’m good to go for hours.
notevenwrong
@Mark King, I think you meant “cleanse the PALATE.”
Mark
@notevenwrong: My mom would strangle me for such an error. Thanks, eagle eyes! Corrected.
TrueWords
There may a need for NEW friends…many people who are addicts (have friends that are addicts) and need to recreate a completely different landscape in order to NOT slide down the rabbit hole again…but in order to make new friends you may need to “confess you past” in order to enhance your future.
TrueWords
There may be a need for NEW friends…many people who are addicts (have friends that are addicts and/or have addictive behaviors…you know birds of a feather flock together) and need to recreate a completely different landscape in order to NOT slide down the rabbit hole again…but in order to make new friends you may need to “confess you past” in order to enhance your future.
Stache99
@TrueWords: New friends, new places, etc..
ryeguypdx
I’m a recovering addict, with almost 10 months sober. This article is pretty on the nose in identifying the major struggle right now, and I’ll definitely check out the book.
I thought I’d make a few more practical suggestions for guys who want to get clean.
First off, these tips work, but they’re relatively superficial. I’ve got some deeper mental health issues to work out, which obviously I have to do on my own. Getting into a program, or “The Program”, has been essential in figuring out what’s going on, and retraining my subconscious to move past the drug. That said, these fixes have prevented relapses, and I’m surprised more guys don’t know them. Also, this is all for Iphone 6, I’m not sure how Androids work.
Jerk off. All this is easier if you’re not horny.
Enable Parental Restrictions on Your Phone – Settings – General – Restrictions. You’ll need to create a 4 digit passcode, and enter it twice. Make one up at random, or have a friend make one up. Whatever it is, you’ve got to forget it. Go to Apps, and hit the 12+ button. Do the same thing (use different codes) on old phones and or tablets.
Delete, Redelete, and Block Your Drug Contacts – “Block This Caller” is an option in Messages, then open up the chat, hit Details, then the i information circle. You’ll also want to delete that contact’s name, so it’s just a random phone number you’ve blocked. You can also delete a contact by going directly through the Contact tab (Contact – Edit) but the iphone remembers recent / unsaved contacts in a grey / ghost font, so even after I delete someone, I create a new message to them, find their name in the drop down suggestions, hit the i information circle, and then “Remove From Recents”. Again, do it on all your old phones and tablets.
Block Your Browser – Download Block Site, which works great with Chrome and Firefox. Go to the website you want to block: A4A, BBRTS, Craigslist, Zoom, Tumblr, and whatever porn sites you associate with using. Right click – Blocksite – Add current site to black list.
Again, quick fixes, which don’t get to the real issues. But obstacles like these will prevent the small behavioral relapses (say, creating an A4A account), which will in turn prevent the big relapse from happening.
notevenwrong
@ryeguypdx, I don’t understand why you feel the need to abstain from sex to abstain from drugs.
The vast majority of guys on these online sites you mention don’t use drugs with sex, and could therefore actually be a good influence on you. And (sober) sex, like other wholesome activities, can very effectively take your mind off drug cravings.
Doughosier
I lost a lover to meth. It’s the worse drug out there. The success stories are so few!
ryeguypdx
@notevenwrong, Once you get hooked, you can’t imagine sex without drugs. So sex itself, and sexual fantasies, become a trigger. Whereas once I had maybe a dozen fantasies I could pull from, now I just have one. Everything that used to turn me on doesn’t work anymore.
It would be great if the sites and apps worked the way you suggested, with sober guys inspiring the non sober to cut it out, but the reality is those apps are how we use, they’re where our drug contacts hang out, and even if I create a sober profile (no drugs) it takes a weak moment to click “drugs occasionally”, and now I’m off. It feels a bit like telling an alcoholic to go hang out at a bar, because the people who work there are all sober, and it’d be good for him to see that.
Lastly, I don’t think the goal is abstinence, actually. I still have sex. I just have to find a way to have sex that doesn’t dovetail with using.
Lvng1Tor
@ryeguypdx</ Congrats on getting clean and working hard to stay clean.
Lvng1Tor
@ryeguypdx: Congrats on getting clean and working hard to stay clean!
Ronnyboy
@ryeguypdx: Ha. I did everything you said. Installed k9 webprotection on my computer. Hey it was that or throw it out. I just got my first smartphone too. Yah for me! Smartphones just would’ve made it too damn easy and unlike my desktop easier to crack any blocks I’d put in. I don’t know why this practical advice isn’t talked more about. I had to figure this all out on my own even though I was going to the meetings and reading self help books.
It’s been over a year since my last use but I don’t have any blocks on my computer anymore. I’ve passed that critical stage. I actually have the ability to think through the consequences now.
However, I still fantasies about my using days but I know a good jerk off session will bring me out of it. I sometimes even go to sites that cater to meth and jerk off to the guys doing it. There’s allot of them now. I feel guilty afterwards though knowing these guys who look near dead are literally destroying themselves for my sexual satisfaction. Yeah, it’s fucked up.
Ronnyboy
@ryeguypdx: “All this is easier if you’re not horny.”
Another thing I’m discovering is that allot of my help in getting clean just comes down to age. My body is starting to slow down on the whole sex drive thing. When I was younger it was impossible to quit because the drug had rewired my brain to respond to it whenever I thought of sex which was often. The urge to do it was just too overwhelming. Like I would start hyperventilating and almost having a seizure till my body got what it needed it ie the meth.
All my friends are patting on the back for getting clean but I got a little help from Mother Nature too. LIke if you live long enough the addiction will phase itself out or at least much easier to kick. Fucked up way of looking at it though since you’re wasting the best years of your life.
Ronnyboy
@notevenwrong: I get hit up on those sites all time with guys wanting to PNP with me. I’m not going to lecture them but I do say you might want to get some help for that when you come down. However, I know from my own experience anything I say will have 0% impact on them.
raskal72
So let me get this straight: you’re meant to isolate yourself from all the social possibilities of your sexual connections, stop watching porn, and give up on the idea that sex can be a scene of emotional intensity in which one finds new ways of converting shame into pleasure? I don’t even know where to begin to start critiquing this sad view of life, but it seems like a pretty reductive perspective on sex given our collective history. There must be a better way to make lives more sustainable and, well … keep them gay.
ricardo1
@Haightmale: I think you are just defending your habits. Meth is a nasty drug that will age you 20 years in 18 months. Why bother with it?
ricardo1
@raskal72: Look up the Coolidge Effect. This makes men slaves to dopamine if they are not careful.