Though they may sometimes come from a decent place, invasive questions can be annoying to field for gay couples. But let’s face it — the fact that they’re being asked at all is a sign of progress. Ignorant curiosity is more than a few steps up from disdain.
The most irksome questions we’re asked are rooted in conditioned gender roles — some straight people just can’t quite grasp that there isn’t a “woman” in a male/male relationship, or that not all female/female couples are composed of one “femme” and one “butch” partner.
We still owe it to our well-intentioned straight friends to educate them, but they’d better be willing to listen.
Below, same-sex questions react to some of the most annoying questions they get asked:
How about we take this to the next level?
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Ken Nolan
If people are still asking these types of questions, they must be hermits.
dustashed
From my experience Straight guys have conversations about sex all the time. Asking each other who they had sex with, how often they fuck their wife/gf; down to the dirty details. Why should gay people be an exception? If you want your relationship to be treated equally then get ready for it to be treated as such, that includes getting asked probing questions. And of course the questions will seem heteronormative, because they are viewing it from their perspective.
The way i see it is, if we can ask straight guys how often they do the deed with their wife/gf etc in a normal male conversation or them freely talk about it. I don’t see why they cant ask us the same questions. The only time it is not ok is when the “intention ” of asking these questions is to try to humiliate or make someone feel less than they are. If its honest curiosity, then just answer truthfully
dustashed
And yes i did get asked these questions from people when i started to comeout. They are just naturally curious as to how it works since it is too alien to them a concept. And hey, if they trusted me enough to share their trysts with their husband/boyfriends with all thr gory details or their wives and girlfriends and how they went down on her one time while she had her period, i dont see why I can’t answer a simple question as, “do you take it up the ass or does the other guy do?”
polarisfashion
I have a straight friend and he freely tells me everything about his sex life. When I find a bf I can only imagine the questions he is going to ask me.
Shawn Tizmal
Clearly rob Rob Donnelly lol
Scribe38
I get annoyed when people attempt to put me in a box. I feel both me and my partner have masculine and feminine qualities. I’ve never has asked a str8 buddy how he bangs his wife, or does she finger him when she blows him. My BF is a bottom, but I’ve seen him install a truck engine and weld car parts. Being a bottom doesn’t make you the “wife”. I make more money, prefer to top and like football, but I also cook, clean, and take care of my man. If one of us is good at something they take the job, it’s a partnership not “man and wife”.
rand503
@Scribe38: Which is why conservatives hate us so much. We defy gender roles. If we can, so can women. And if we assert our rights and our place at the table, so can blacks and other minorities.
IT scares religionists too, because they want everyone to conform to biblical roles.
Merv
It’s sad but true that, even today, there are still people who ask gay men ignorant questions like “which one is the woman?”. It’s shocking that people are still that clueless. Of course, the smaller one is always the woman.
Sebastian Zatarain
Well for me both are man that’s it no matter what they prefer in bed period
Leonard Woodrow
What a distasteful idea! Nothing is more off-putting for a gay man than thinking of his partner as a woman.
offcell
My friend of many years just asked out of curiosity one day. He didn’t seem to have any underlying hostility as he just wanted to know who was top and bottom. He actually knew the terms so I just answered. I didn’t feel any disrespect in someone that was just curious.
Giancarlo85
My boyfriend and I are both androgynous and femme… Yet we are both versatile. I am not offended when someone asks that. I think they should reword the question though. I would not be offended because I don’t view being called a woman as being an insult. People who view it as an insult are being misogynist. However, men who call other guys women are being misogynist too, as they are attempting to degrade us as they view women as inferior.
tdx3fan
Actually, I’m more annoyed by the freaking video. You asked a bunch of mainstreaming gay people the exact same questions and then got the exact same answers. Its really freaking annoying. I’m most definitely the woman in our relationship… damn proud of it. I’m also the bottom. It really pisses me off that all these offensive mainstream assholes believe they are the ONLY representation of the gay community.
sourwolf
@Giancarlo85: not entirely correct. People can be offended by the heteronormative assumption that underlie the question without being a misogynist.
Mark Palsson
When my husband and I are asked, which was is the woman, we just say ” neither one of us has a vagina “!
Giancarlo85
@sourwolf: I don’t agree with that at all. I still view it as misogynist.
Josh447
Sourwolf:
I agree, misogynist is a very heavy laddened negative word and a put down. Many straights do not have that take going on at all, they are just genuinely wanting to know something that fits within their filters, very innocent with most.
I liked the film however short of the Aussies (borderline) I felt it represented gay looking males only, and needed to include guys you could not tell were gay by looking at them. I believe that is a form of discrimination and a stereotype that needs to be shattered. Many gay guys who don’t look or act ‘gay’ find it offensive to not be included. I think straight producers pick Stereotypical gay men for negative effect and others are insensitive. Wake up. The world is a bigger play ground now. Time to include everyone. “We couldn’t find anyone” has always been a lame excuse. Try harder to represent the whole community not just the atypical few.
Adam Valdez
See, this is where I separate myself from this community because I want to be the “woman” in the relationship. I want to clean and take care if the kids and have a man come home from work and have him play sports with the kids and all those “gender roles” and when I talk about it I get rude comments from people in this community who are supposed to be supportive of everyone.
Josh447
You’ve got my vote Adam. I think it’s a great way too love and live. I think if it comes down to the language, straights just want to really know who does the man things and who does the woman things. Most gay guys do both. Bippity boppity boop. End of story. Case closed.
But I would be interested as to who is the top and who is the dominant in your case as you guys seem so typically relationship ‘straight’. Or do you both share the chores in that area? If it’s just you, that’s just knee slap’n funny cool. Care to share?
Avery Alvarez
I think we’ve all gotten questions like this before, and while it can get annoying, I think it’s sometimes important to be patient and answer them. As others mentioned, it’s usually out of curiosity. Considering how many bizarre and hideous conspiracy theories the anti-gay side spreads about us, it’s only right to make sure the correct information gets out.
I think when it comes to sex and relationships, even if you don’t want to discuss yours personally, just point out to them a few facts, like sometimes there are traditional gender roles in same-sex relationships. Sometimes not. Sometimes both partners are masculine, sometimes both feminine. Sometimes masculine guys prefer to bottom. Sometimes feminine guys prefer to top. There are millions of ways to be gay and have a gay relationship just like there are millions of ways to be straight and have a straight relationship.
Clark35
@Ken Nolan: Some heterosexual people still believe this stuff. I happen to be bisexual and my hetero male friends, or former roommates asked me questions like, “when two men get married do you both get wedding rings, or does someone get a diamond?” or, “Who is the ‘bride’ in a same sex marriage?”. I told them how in relationships between bisexual and gay men where they get married it’s not defined like that like it was or is like when a woman and man get married.
GreatGatsby2011
@Mark Palsson: Oh my gosh, that’s hilarious because my husband and I have a similar response. Whenever we get asked that question, we both look at each other and I say to him, “I forget, do you have the vagina this week, or do I?”
gaym50ish
Some people still believe the old Sigmund Freud/Carl Jung explanations of what causes people to be gay. Generally they attributed male homosexuality to strong bonding between mother and son and a failure of boys to identify with males — perhaps because the father was absent or just wasn’t a strong role model. This theory says that when an effeminate gay man falls in love with a more masculine man, he’s really seeking a father figure.
What always puzzled me, however, was that, as far as I know, they never attempted to explain the masculine partner in that same relationship. If the effeminate man was considered the “woman” in the relationship, did they presume the masculine guy wasn’t really gay?
bottom250
I hate that just because I am an effeminate bottom doesn’t make me a woman in the relationship. Hello sweethearts I am a man.
Giancarlo85
@gaym50ish: Freud has been discredited so many times… I don’t know why people still bring him up.
And what about two feminine men who fall in love? Lol… The theory is bogus.
notevenwrong
Well, as a rule of thumb, the one with the big muscles is usually the woman. Not least because with all the steroids he can’t get it up. 🙂
gaym50ish
@Giancarlo85: Not to mention how you would explain lesbians using the absent father/domineering mother theory. ALL kids bond first with their mothers.
dustashed
I think it depends on what type of person you are too. I know some straight people get defensive and get offended when asked about their sex lives. Those in the gay community that takes offense when they are asked that should just speak for themselves and not for everyone as a whole. I am actually comfortable talking about who I slept with and all the dirty details the same way a guy would talk about girls he has slept with in a locker room setting.
Everything is fair game