Here’s a newsflash: lots of people cheat in their relationships. Gay, straight, men, women — statistics show that it happens a lot more than we might imagine, and consistently across the board.
And if we’re going to get real about it, monogamy isn’t a ship built for everyone, but our culture almost demands it. The real problem isn’t non-monogamy, it’s non-communication. We’re afraid to talk to our partners and afraid to be truthful with ourselves, and the secrets and lies are the poison that can eventually kill the love shared between two people.
We certainly aren’t condoning cheating, nor are we dismissing monogamy. If you’re struggling (like some of these Whisper guys below are), you’ve got to talk it out, or else the truth has a way of coming back to haunt you.
Reverse Transcriptase
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Giovanni de Lesseps
TrueWords
Cheating is a choice, NOT a mistake.
bottom250
Monogamy isn’t for me I have the men lined up to enter me. Maybe in the future but i AM YOUNG and there is so many men and so little time.
Donald Attanas
The relationship ends when you decide to cheat… WTF
David Tillman
Yup every time
J.r. Lopez
I wonder the age of the people who are quoted on Whisper. They sound immature and like people who don’t have the skills to make wise decisions.
Bronson Brown
This why I debate with my self if I wanna stay single it seems like no one can keep there pants ziped
Realitycheck
2 separate issues….
A) most whispers are fake just for show value, whisper is a very entertaining application in the beginning until you either get bored or you realize the same people keep either making the same whispers over and over or they keep on creating fake ones to get attention.
Obviously there are also real ones, but most are really fake.
B) Everyone has diverse emotional needs, so I will not judge nor should anyone,
but honesty is not an option, it is a requirement, so when people start a
monogamous relationship and then start cheating non stop, (we all had a bf like
that), well it’s end game, and a waste of time for both, and some one usually
gets hurt.
Glücklich
@bottom250:
Ew.
Profe Sancho Panza
Some of these couples need to talk more: the ones where the guy at least feels bad about it. Some need to break up, because there’s not enough relationship there. And then there’s the guy who cheated with his bf’s younger brother, where it’s hard to decide whether the cheater or the brother is worse.
AndYouWillDeal
Another reason why I decided to stay single and keep things NSA
I’m too gentle for relationship garbage, the cheating,mind games, lies by omission, etc
Taskebab
All I can say is these guys need a sharp knife to the dick and testicles…
I am so disgusted with the complete inability of gay guys to not be in a commited, monogamous relationship and when you don’t want to be a cheap whore like these guys you are even laughed at and considered outsiders and “prudish”…as long as gay guys take pride in being cheap whores, the world will never truly accept us…so thanks to the guys like these for helping all of us get a bad reputation
Glücklich
@Taskebab:
Right, because ALL the straight world are so hide-bound and Victorian in their mores. And ONLY men have issues with fidelity.
David Bolton
@Glücklich: Exactly. It always kills me when straight guys talk about gay anal sex as though it were the most disgusting thing in the world—yet, anal sex with a woman is the Holy Grail of straight sex.
Bitch please.
Pazzy
I’ve been the guy that my ex boyfriend cheated on me and I’ve learn from by a friend. The feeling that you get is soo sad you literally get trust issue with other guys and I had a lot of trouble finding a new boyfriend. that just sad
David Bolton
@Taskebab: That’s a gross and extremely naive oversimplification. And by the way, I banged seven guys in the sling at the bathhouse the other day.
Bobby Lusby
20 years, and I’ve never cheated…
Bauhaus
Slightly off topic, but cheaters in monogamous relationships and their need to come clean, drives me crazy.
lauraspencer
Three of the above whispers don’t even reference being gay. They could have been written by a girl who cheated on a guy.
jlo1968
I am having a hard time finding one man let alone one and then another to cheat with.
jbeau
I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years. Never had any issue staying monogamous to him nor has the thought of cheating crossed my mind. Maybe they need to find the right person, not just the comfort of a relationship.
Arcamenel
Cheating is a choice. Stop blaming it on alcohol. Stop blaming it on low self-esteem. Stop blaming it on being mistreated. At the end of the day it’s on you. If the relationship is that bad leave it.
SportGuy
@Bobby Lusby: Sadly, you are a very rare man in our community and i commend you for being a good model for real relationships.
AtticusBennett
here’s a dazzling idea for these guys and any of you – be honest about your sexuality. not your orientation, your SEXUALITY. so many people think that they’re monogamous, or want to be, yet aren’t. they become cheaters. they realize that they’re not able to See Only One Guy they way that society and perhaps their partner, insists that they do.
it’s about being honest with your partner before you get into the long-haul. know why so many guys are serial monogamists? because they don’t do monogamy well. and when they get bored and crave some new sex they have to break up, and do the wrong thing over and over again.
know who doesn’t have this problem? guys who are upfront and aware of and embracing of their own sexuality and who understand and have an ongoing dialogue with their partners.
bottom250
@Glücklich: Ewww? I am honest and open about my love of sex and their is nothing gross about sex. I feel sad for you.
gaym50ish
Gay guys cheat because they’re guys, not because they’re gay. Straight men cheat, too, but they don’t have as many opportunities. Men almost never say no to another hot man, while women often do. Straight men would love the ease with which gay men can hook up.
The gay relationships that seem to work best are those in which the partners acknowledge that they still lust after other guys and they’re not threatened by that. They seem to be able to separate love from lust and stay together for the love, while women with cheating husbands see the cheating as a betrayal.
jwtraveler
@Bobby Lusby: So what? Do you want a self-righteousness medal?
jwtraveler
@bottom250: Enjoy it while you’re young, but please be careful and play safe. STDs can take a lot of the fun out of sex.
bottom250
@jwtraveler: Hugs sweetheart, thank you for your respect and concern.
jwtraveler
@TrueWords: @Arcamenel: Yes, cheating is a choice, and some choices are mistakes. Can we cut the self-righteousness, or haven’t you ever made a mistake?
Glücklich
@bottom250:
Please don’t. I love sex as much as the next person. One of my favorite things to say is “It ain’t pretty being easy.” Your comment, though, about men “lining up to enter” is distasteful to say the least and conjures up images of a subway turnstyle or stadium restroom.
bottom250
@Glücklich: Sweetie what is distasteful for you is a fabulous, joyful and pleasure life for me. Don’t be slut shaming me honey.
Taskebab
@Glücklich: no not only guys, but the refusal to be monogamous is something that is a massive problem with gays. So now straight people think gays are whores and gays that try to be monogamous are outcasts and prudes to the mainstream gays…such fun…
@David Bolton: how is my statement naive? It’s the truth right? I mean you just stated how you’re a whore yet my observation that gays are whores is naive…I would say denying the extreme sex-addiction in the gay world is naive…
martinbakman
I’m headed over to Whisper right meow!
I want to read all about you naughty gay boys.
James Hart
Gay male relationships are intrinsically a lot more unstable than straight relationships because women are a stabilizing influence, and they’re a lot more loyal to their partners. Remember: Women are not part of the equation in gay male relationships. Women civilize men. Men do not civilize men.
onthemark
@Taskebab:
@James Hart:
So when are you guys going to your gay conversion therapy class? Your posts reek of self-hating homophobia, since you hate gay men as we ARE.
You think straight women are better than us (in general) because they are more monogamous. Well even if that were true, what are we supposed to DO about it, castrate ourselves? Most of us would rather have sex!
You monogamy freaks are hilarious. You guys always act so-o-o-o oppressed, when really it’s the other way around. (The message from the “gay community” for 15 years now has been marriage marriage marriage marriage marriage, ad infinitum.) You guys always act like most of us benighted, sleazy, slutty gay guys have never even HEARD of monogamy, so therefore you HAVE to proselytize and get the message out – like you’re a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
I assure you – we have HEARD of monogamy! We do understand the concept. We just don’t really give a sh*t about it, and we’re not going to do it for no other reason than to TRY to impress straight people!
Desert Boy
One of the most powerful things grown-ups experience is committing to another person.
If that commitment is genuine, the idea of cheating is totally foreign. If you are inclined to play around, that’s great, do you thing but, don’t make a commitment to someone, humiliate and hurt them.
I’ve been with my husband 23 years and never once cheated. I have the best and would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage for a piece of ass.
Giancarlo85
I understand guys are guys, but don’t you owe a bit of respect for your boyfriend? Why bother being in a relationship? Your boyfriend deserves to know you are putting him at risk for Stds because you’re a slut. By the way, this message is not to anyone on here in particular, but more towards those who made the quotes.
Fuck around all you want, but try to show a bit more respect for others and end the relationship.
@onthemark:since when did you become the spokesperson for all gay people? I don’t really a give a shit about anything you say.
Glücklich
@Taskebab:
I should have fully disclosed earlier, but I have an open marriage. Monogamy is not realistic for either my husband or me. But neither of us is cheating. If lack of communication is the root of cheating, that flaw is not present in our relationship. Mr. Gücklich knows all of my partners, and I know most of his. And because I travel so much, there’s room for each of us to have our little flings and no one gets hurt.
Glücklich
@bottom250:
Slut shaming? Perish the thought! Sounds like you’re living life to the fullest. You should only feel bad about all the wads of Kleenex, shower floors, and old socks whose jobs you’re taking at the head of the queue to “enter” you.
bottom250
@Glücklich: Lol thank you sweetheart for the giggles.
Josh447
I think it’s important to realize we live in a very puritanical society where w**** and s*** which is usually basically directed at women is very judgemental and shaming and doesn’t help understanding human sexuality at all. Some people are intrinsically monogamous and some people are not that’s just the way it is. if we are going to understand ourselves as a species we are going to need to become more in the observer mode rather than the shaming puritanical religious judgmental mode. Sex and religion combined are intrinsically flawed and it’s time we overcome its basic shaming nature in order to attract honesty instead of hypocrisy into our relationships. by basing our sexuality on a religious foundation of lies and withholds we will continue to be part of that sexual structure and we will continue to stumble and fall as that model promotes judgement and fear. so right here we could stop with the judgmental tone of s*** w**** and cheater and understand it as highly s*x**l people who have been programmed with misinformation and are living out a corrupted model of dishonesty rather than honesty. Views on sexual conduct need to be completely restructured if honest communication is the way. and that can happen individually for anyone willing to make the effort to live in an authentic honest lifestyle.
bottom250
@Josh447: Well said honey
David Bolton
@Taskebab: “All I can say is these guys need a sharp knife to the dick and testicles…
I am so disgusted with the complete inability of gay guys to not be in a commited (sic), monogamous relationship and when you don’t want to be a cheap whore like these guys you are even laughed at and considered outsiders and “prudish”…as long as gay guys take pride in being cheap whores, the world will never truly accept us…so thanks to the guys like these for helping all of us get a bad reputation”
1) For you to imply that castration is the solution or just rewards for someone who commits non-monogamy is fucked up at best.
2) Why are you disgusted about anyone else’s behavior regarding relationships? Mind your own fucking business first. And YouTube “Harper Valley PTA.”
3) “…when you don’t want to be a cheap whore like these guys you are even laughed at and considered outsiders and “prudish…”
Honey, your damaged self-esteem and need to fit in to someone else’s mold for you is not my problem. I would be more worried about being perceived as a complete asshole for being a judgmental bitch.
4) “…as long as gay guys take pride in being cheap whores…”
First off, I’m a sexual being and an adult who practices safe sex. If I want to explore my sexuality in ways that I didn’t get to WHILE I WAS IN A COMMITTED, MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP because my partner was disinterested or simply refused, then by all means I’m going to. I’m also going to give a big “fuck you” to the sodomy laws that were still on the books in almost every southern state when I came out. It has taken me a long, long time to come to terms with my own sexuality, to actually act assertive during sex, and even more time to begin to explore activities that I would have found distasteful five years ago. It’s taken a while for me to realize that there are activities I could get better at and enjoy more by trying it out, and which in the long run will hopefully help me choose a more sexually compatible partner. And what exactly is the definition of “cheap whore?” Please enlighten us with the established standard.
5) “…the world will never truly accept us…”
Umm… let’s have a reality check. There are countries in the world that want us dead for having any sort of gay relationship, monogamous or not. There are also A LOT of people right here in the good ole USA who think that gay people should have no rights, should not be parents, should not have sex of any kind, and should considered mentally ill. But bless them, they still love us. THIS is where you’re naive. Your so-called “bad reputation” was stamped on you from the moment you realized you were gay. The deck is stacked against you. Should anyone ever invent a time machine, please remind me to go back to my 13 year-old self to assure him that all those bullies, teachers, family members and eventual co-workers will come around to liking me instead of torturing me—as long as I don’t become “a cheap whore.” Oh wait… I didn’t have sex until I was 21. And yet they STILL didn’t like me. What gives?
Giancarlo85
@Josh447: I have no issue with sexuality. I have an issue with people who enter in relationships and lie to the other. That has nothing to do with sexuality itself. That has to do with being a dishonest jackass. One who cheats should spare the hurt of covering up any further, and just be single and fuck around. Why be in a relationship and fuck around behind the others back?
This is the distorted logic of some I’ll never get on here.
If you love sex, awesome… it can be wonderful. But don’t pretend your a good person if you’re cheating and lying behind someone’s back who loves you. Spare them the hurt, and tell the truth. But then again, this is why many gay men are viewed as dishonest.
Some are mixing up being a single player (is that a better word to use) and lying and cheating. Go ahead and be a PLAYER. Nobody is stopping you. But cheating and lying is not cool. And this has nothing to do with trying to impress other people.
David Bolton
@onthemark: Exactly. Every gay couple I know (and I know a lot) has been in a relationship for AT LEAST ten years at a minimum. Most have been together for over twenty, and I know one that is about to hit their thirtieth anniversary.
ALL of them play around. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. They hook up with a third or fourth person. They have “pool parties.” They go to bathhouses together. They hire. They have fuck buddies on the side. They form thruples. These guys do it because they all realize that it’s exceedingly rare to stay sexually monogamous for a long period of time. The ones who do will almost always eventually stop having sex altogether or reduce it down significantly.
And yet, they are all emotionally committed to each other and have reached yearly milestone after milestone. How exactly does that possibly work, when monogamy isn’t involved? There has to be some sort of mistake here, right?
Giancarlo85
@David Bolton: Oh that’s sweet. You are talking about your personal perspectives as if they represent the whole. Nobody cares about your personal perspective of open relationships you see. I’ve seen plenty of monogamous relationships for very long periods of time.
“The ones who do will almost always eventually stop having sex altogether or reduce it down significantly.”
Bullcrap. You can’t possibly speak for other people.
san39730
What you do is your choice but I reject the growing notion that monogamy is right up there with time travel in terms of theoretical impossibility. And frankly within the gay community infidelity is rampant almost an epidemic. I love my people but this going acceptance of bad behavior as not only normal but an expectation is unacceptable. If you are having sex with someone that is not your partner and you and your partner have not agreed that this is ok, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG.
SportGuy
@san39730: Well said, its so sad that in the community cheating is seen as the norm and being in a committed monogamous adult relationship is the oddity. Just another reason the community doesn’t garner any respect. As a whole the gay community is just a pool of liars, cheaters, ageist, racism,etc.
Harold Vera
People cheat because they are not honest with themselves and their partner. Sex is a natural part of who we are. Sex and love can be separated and they can also be together. Regardless, I always say: I don’t want perfect, I want honest.
Realitycheck
@Glücklich:
True, I was just talking with 3 girlfriends the other day and they all
had been cheated on from BFs and husbands. I was surprised but
as you rightfully said, cheating is neither a man only thing nor is a
gay thing, sadly many people cheat.
Realitycheck
@Giancarlo85:
Thank you!! It is about honesty, I totally appreciate an honest person
that says “I am not monogamous” then I have the choice to walk away,
a dishonest guy will make me believe he is faithful and monogamous, meanwhile
every time I turn around; oops those pants fall off..
Realitycheck
@James Hart:
I disagree, gay man are not like straight male, gay man do have some
femminine quality even when they are not femminine, actually it is hard
science. Gay brains do not function like straight brains…
Beside women cheat as well, it is naive to think they do not.
At the end of the day it comes down to self discipline and love.
Realitycheck
@Arcamenel:
You are my hero, too often people in general blame cheating on
everything but themselves, but it is 100% a choice, one can always say no,
and walk away.
Realitycheck
@AndYouWillDeal:
Not gentle, perhaps nobody ever told you, ” love hurts ”,
anyone thinking that love is 100% fun is not realistic, 2 people, equals
2 brains and that means different opinions and believes, and
more importantly one has to work hard on a relationship.
But the reward is off the scale positive, love is what make our lives
worth living, nobody deserves to be alone, and sex is just for the second
and self gratifying.
Beside the best sex is when some one is in love, not drunk, or what ever,
but true love, and it becomes a lot more then sex.
jason smeds
If you cheat, you’re a cheater. No two ways about it.
Men are not naturally monogamous. The only reason men are compelled into monogamy is women. Wives and girlfriends demand it.
Amongst men who sexualize with men, the female influence is missing. Cheating and promiscuity is thus less “shameful” than it is amongst men who sexualize with women.
The absence of female-imposed shame has elevated cheating and promiscuity within what we call the “gay community” to a new, rampant level. It’s one of the reasons why STD’s were able to take hold of the community.
jwtraveler
@Desert Boy: Good for you. I’ll put you on the list for a self-righteousness medal too.
Josh447
Of course it’s wrong to break contracts. No doubt about it. However, if you study why people cheat, it’s many times bc they thought they could do monogamy, only to find out their lust boils over for others down the line and bamm, stuck in a contract they can’t keep. Well then, renegotiate as needed.
And that’s what a lot of couples do to their benefit, and keep the real part of the love going between them, have sex with others and each other and go along quite nicely.
It’s nearly impossible for most to separate lust and love, so there is a lot of fear of loss of the relationship that keeps the cheater quiet. And it could be both parties in the REL cheating. This is a quandary not to be judged, but understood. Fear of loss and betrayed contracts is huge and that is the elephant in the room. That is what needs to be addressed. The belief is “if I tell you the truth I could lose you”. Ouch. The other belief is “if you cheat you might find someone else and then I lose YOU”. Ouch again. Solution? Be brave and talk. Change the rules if necessary, or don’t. But talk talk talk about your true feelings, preferably before you sign the contract at the onset.
Risky territory, but for men who don’t have the same corrupt sexual data placed upon them like women, we have to face our frisky selves and devise a stream of reality rules that truly fits our core selves we can feel comfortable with.
Giancarlo85
@Realitycheck: Well one of my friends got cheated on… and he was monogamous and honest. His boyfriend ended up giving him an STD (luckily it was curable, and not something worse). Now he has serious trust issues and really avoids sex and guys.
People who cheat need to be upfront and break it off. Stop lying.
@Josh447: “and keep the real part of the love going between them, have sex with others and each other and go along quite nicely.”
Except it doesn’t work that way for many.
If I was in a relationship and the other cheated on me or wanted to go with another guy for sex, his ass is out the door. That simple. I don’t have time for that type of dramatic bullshit.
“Well then, renegotiate as needed.”
Or reneged from that contract (since when was a relationship a contract… unless we’re talking about a marriage?).
Giancarlo85
@jason smeds: And someone how you turn this around on women. A gay male couple is between two men. If a gay couple is monogamous, what explanation do you have for that? You really are a dirt bag.
jwtraveler
45 years after Stonewall and gay men are insulting and attacking each other for not living like Ozzie and Harriet. Heterosexual fidelity is a fantasy and a lie. It is largely based on traditional religious concepts of women as property and breeders. In those traditional cultures marital fidelity was only a requirement for women, the purpose being to ensure that they were untarnished vessels for their husbands’ sperm so that the reliability of the blood line and inheritance would be unquestioned. In most cultures, men have always been free to mess around; hence the concept of “the double standard”. [Syphilis was not rampant in 17th and 18th century Europe because everyone was committed to a monogamous marriage.] In gay male relationships these standards are clearly irrelevant. They are archaic vestiges of a mythical time.
Yes, there are many couples that have long-term, sexually-faithful, monogamous relationships. If they’re happy, that’s great…for them. But those relationships are no more valid than any others or no relationship, nor do they have any basis in human biological or cultural history. This naive and self-righteous insistence that gay men conform to a 1950s fantasy model of monogamous relationships is ignorant and just plain OPPRESSIVE. It’s also antithetical to the idea of Gay Liberation. Those drag queens and butch dykes battling the cops at Stonewall were not screaming: “We wanna get married and live in nuclear families in the suburbs.”
So all you happy, faithful, monogamous men in LTRs: Good for you! But save your moralizing, social condemnation and self-righteousness for your Christian fundamentalist meetings at “Focus on the Gay Family” and “Americans for Gay Family Values”.
Paco
If a guy cheats on me, I don’t want to know about it unless I ask. Then I expect the truth. I don’t want to know if I don’t suspect anything, because the only reason they do come clean is to hurt you to relieve their guilt and then make it your fault they cheated.
After that, they are damaged goods anyway and can never be trusted again. Even if it was just a one time “mistake”, I can’t spend the rest of the relationship wondering what or who he is doing when he isn’t with me.
Some guys seem to be proud about the fact that they can separate love from sex, treating sex like a simple biological function akin to just taking a dump or something. Sex is special for me and I reserve that for the one special man in my life. It’s something special when someone reserves the most intimate part of themself for you and no one else. It turns that simple biological function into so much more.
helloworld
Both my partner and I are theoretically (or intellectually) open, but monogamous in practice. It’s really a matter of STIs — we really enjoy having bareback sex with each other and don’t want to exposed to STI.
If one of us were to fool around with with another guy, we’d have to start using condom with each other (at least for a while), and the feeling of condoms just suck. There’s just a certain closeness I feel when my partner and I fuck bareback that I don’t want to give up, and that beats any impulsive whim to screw around with another guy.
Now if STI didn’t exist in the world, that would really switch things up.
Desert Boy
@jwtraveler: Thanks. And I’ll list you for Bitter Queen of the Decade” award.
ThisChrisGuy84
This is so disgusting…Gay men (and I am gay myself) can just be the lowest examples of human-beings.
If you cannot be committed to someone, TELL THEM! Don’t cheat on them, misplace their trust…simply tell them, save everyone the hell…and stop making us all look act like soul-less whores!
Giancarlo85
@Desert Boy: Yea, I was going to respond to his disorganized mess of a post, but I decided not to do so. I just find it so ironic he criticizes monogamous gay couples for trying to live to some standard, yet at the same time doesn’t want to be judged for being a slut.
“But save your moralizing, social condemnation and self-righteousness for your Christian fundamentalist meetings at “Focus on the Gay Family” and “Americans for Gay Family Values”.”
This biggest pile of bullshit in his post really. Who is moralizing, socially condemning or being self righteous? If anything under this article, I see people crying about being criticized.
Nobody is telling anyone how to live, but JW shouldn’t be telling people they are being self-righteous for preferring to be in a monogamous relationship.
SportGuy
@ThisChrisGuy84: Agreed! It’s very sad that this is what the vast majority of our community consist of!
William Mc Gregor
Why call it whisper just call it what it is douchebag.com
Chris
Remedial “Queer as folk” for all of you so-called cheaters. Study Brian’s uncompromising honesty about his sexual needs/wants/desires. If you don’t promise to be monogamous, or better yet, if you’re clear that you have no intention of being monogamous, then you’re not cheating. Just be honest with yourself and your partner.
And if you and your partner can make it work, then more power to you. And even then, there’s this thing called “forgive and forget.” You might try it.
More good, loving relationships get shattered over stuff that does not matter; what matters is who you love….and in that context of mutual love and honesty between yourselves, I quote that great gay philosopher, Tim Gunn, “make it work.”
David Bolton
@Giancarlo85: I never said I was speaking for the whole. But I find it telling that every long-term gay couple I know is in an open relationship. And like I said, I know a lot of them. I also know a lot of guys who are in long-term gay relationships who do cheat on their partner. It’s a very, very prevalent behavior.
Giancarlo85
@David Bolton: Your perspective is not relevant to what I see. I know a lot of gay couples that are monogamous. Stop trying to speak as if you are an authority.
jwtraveler
@Desert Boy: I realize that was just a “tit for tat” insult, but what does bitterness have to do with reminding gay men that the principle of gay liberation is for gay people to have the freedom to define our own lives and relationships?
Saint Law
@Giancarlo85: I didn’t read its post because, well, I know it off by heart by now (it’s pretty much always the same)i.e. it blames women for its sexlessness.
Poor Gollum.
Saint Law
I am faithful to the gay community. Mostly.
Saint Law
@jwtraveler: Trust you to post a plea for nonejudgemental openness that reads like a censorious castigation.
gaym50ish
Tim Fisher if the organization that is now called the Family Pride Coalition, tried to settle the question of whether gay men are more promiscuous than straight men. He analyzed a number of studies regarding promiscuity rates among single men, gay and straight, and also conducted his own research. He found similar rates of promiscuity between the two groups. Over a five-year period, the average number of sexual partners for gay men was six, compared to an average of five for straight men.
Where he found that the two groups departed was at the high end — specifically the top 13 percent of gay men. This group was MUCH more promiscuous than straight men and MUCH more promiscuous than the other 87 percent of gays. The 87 percent of the gay group had about the same number of sex partners as the straight group.
Josh447
Giancarlo85
“Stop trying to speak as if you are an authority.” The only one in here that seems to be ACTING as if he were an (false) authority is you, and with much attackful venomous language I might add. If you want to be taken seriously I suggest you get off your emotional extremism, stop misperceiving what people write, and cool off so you can hear what people are saying clearly, write succinctly and emit at least a minimal sense of balance. We all have our view points here, yours is not the only one, though it’s obvious your opinion is “it’s my way or the highway!”. If someone doesn’t write what you like, you go into TILT mode and fly off the handle. It seems your anger precedes you and your goal is a failed attempt to blow everyone out of the water that doesn’t agree with you. You’re not the only one here, respect that. Who are you anyway, Jerry Fallwell’s gay religious brother? Lighten up man, Life is short.
David Runyan
Can we stop thinking cheating is a gay/straight issue. Why is it that a gay guy cheating is bringing shame on the community, but when a straight guy cheats it’s just another day another dollar? People cheat, it’s going to happen, especially if you’re in a bad relationship or the guy just isn’t “the one”.
Captain proton
I have been “the other guy” for some guys who turned out to be in long term relationships with boyfriends. Mostly it was for the same reasons – people were romantically in love, but had differing sexual needs.
One guy had a nearly asexual boyfriend, another was a mostly bottom who still needed to top from time to time but the boyfriend wouldn’t hear of it and another was in a relationship where both were total bottoms and had arguments over who “has to top this time”.
That said, most of these couples where I only got half the story are still together 15-20 years on, so I guess they resolved their differences over time or something.
(Facebook offers great opportunities to stalk folks who do not secure their phone number)
Robaé L. Jones
Paul W. Thompson
Reasons I am single….
NJjoe
My partner and now husband of 15 years have had this conversation. Both of us have no desire to be with anyone else. I am happy we had THE CONVERSATION. If anything, we’d do a 3-way and the chances of that are very slim.
Having been out since I was 19, I learned very early on that gay men cannot stay in one relationship…I say this from experience. Some BF’s I had just could not keep it zipped. We live in such a sexually charged culture it’s hard (no pun intended) for men, not all,to stay committed to one guy. That was the relationship I had been searching for most of my adult life. I finally found it and very happy.
NJjoe
Failed to mention- If you’re going to screw around with other guys, why stay in a relationship? I’m not judging, but it makes no sense to me. Get out of the relationship if you want to screw around.
Giancarlo85
@Josh447: Nice attempt at reflections. I am talking about cheaters and liars. Maybe you should read what I post a bit more carefully. There was no emotional extremism. Stop trying to mischaracterize my position. You then engage in character attacks because I like honesty in a relationship. You didn’t actually reply to anything I posted. You made a broad ad hominem attack and said I was Jerry Falwells religious brother. You really are a hypocrite.
James Sigmon
Another reasoln for you to ditch the guy, I think peopel get borde in all relationships, and evebn suggesting a 3ed will end a relationship .
James Sigmon
Relationships over all peopel cheat.
Ives Meagher
Where are the FAT ones, it’s always these perfect queens in media ,lol
Bauhaus
@NJjoe:
“If you’re going to screw around with other guys, why stay in a relationship?”
Lots of reasons: none of them edifying, some of them understandable.
If you’re gonna cheat, keep it to yourself, be discreet, and for fuck sake, play safe. Be damned good at it, so as to not hurt your loved one. Guilt (if you have any) is the price you pay. Cheaters, stop fessing-up about it to relieve your conscience.
onthemark
@Josh447: Giancarlo85 is like the Dr. Seuss character, Horton the Elephant: “I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful, 100 percent!”
Giancarlo is only 29 or 30 years old so it’s hilarious how he knows lots of couples in monogamous “long time” relationships. Especially when you keep in mind that he refuses even to be friends with anyone as much as ten (!) years older than himself – ew!
Actually, he HAS improved quite a bit in this respect since he first showed up here, snarling and drooling like the Tasmanian Devil, and proclaiming that he was “BETTER” than everybody else here because he was in a monogamous relationship! And insulting everyone else in the most vile and vicious way. Then he backtracked and said, no that’s not what I meant, I meant it was better for ME… but oh dear, then when it was pointed out that he backtracked, he flipped out, and he reverted to yes I AM better and that’s what I said all along. (Giancarlo really hates admitting he was ever wrong about, well, anything.)
Now he’s cooled down a bit – albeit in a typically self-righteous way – and he NOW pretends he’s merely arguing in favor of honesty in a relationship, and has been doing that all along, and how dare you suggest otherwise.
Nobody here is arguing in favor of lying in a relationship! But Giancarlo is pretending that’s what we’re doing.
@Giancarlo85: Well, Giancarlo, nobody here is arguing in favor of lying in a relationship. Everybody here agrees with you about the importance of honesty in a relationship. Are you happy now? (I doubt you’re EVER happy about anything, ever, but give it try!)
onthemark
@Bauhaus: Wow – I stand corrected. Lo and behold, Bauhaus is indeed arguing in favor of LYING in a relationship!
“If you’re gonna cheat, keep it to yourself…” ?
Ri-i-ight, that sounds like a plan. That always works out so well in fiction.
Willy Garza
I have never cheated , I would never treat anybody that way , we all deserve happiness not low life cheaters in our lives !
melewis
My very first true boyfriend (gorgeous 25 yo American Indian, me being 19 at the time) was a cheater. We had been going out for some time, something like 6 months or more, and I was reading a local gay magazine called “Metra”. I was reading an article while sipping my rum and coke sitting at the bar of my favorite hangout called the Carousel, anyway, the article was talking about a street hustler that offered a cop a blowjob when he got caught having sex with a guy in his car. I kept thinking “WTF?”, then I came across the hustlers name, Jeff Masten. I couldn’t believe it. The bartender, a friend at the time, said he knew about Jeff’s dealings, but didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. Needless to say, when Jeff called me to come over, I did. I beat the shit out of him then ended the relationship! I just couldn’t believe I was the only one that DIDN’T know about him being a whore hustler. Of course I was naive then. Come to find out, he had another boyfriend while we were going out, and the other guy knew about me, even though I had no clue about him. All I can say is, when I read his obituary, he was killed, I had NO feelings about it. But I still look back fondly at some of the great times we had together. But that’s it, because I also remember the bad times with him. BTW, he was a bed wetter! His mattress smelled of piss, but with the allergies I have, I really couldn’t smell it. It wasn’t until I had started taking allergy pills when I noticed it. I’m just so glad that he, and that situation are in the past!
Bauhaus
@onthemark:
I’m not in favor of lying in a relationship. I’m in favor of being up front, of having sexual needs being discussed and met honestly and openly. However, in a monogamous relationship, as I made clear, if there is a cheater, it’s my opinion that the cheater should bear the burden of the fallout of cheating (if there is any fallout). That’s it. If you realize you can’t stay faithful, have the discussion in a way that avoids admitting you’re banging or getting banged by another guy. What I abhor is cheaters unloading their guilt, blame, anger, shame (pick one) onto their significant others. That’s what therapists and therapy is for; unloading emotional garbage in a safe non-judgmental environment.
onthemark
@Bauhaus: Okay… that seems to me to be a very, very precise distinction. I guess I’m fortunate in that I have no personal experience with… whatever the hell you’re talking about, but I’ll take your word for it!
Theonewhoismany
@Giancarlo85 : Bravo!
Blazipitous
I hate gay men. They’re all cheats, diseased and have daddy issues! Yuck!
Glücklich
As someone who has cheated and burnt down a perfectly good four-year relationship to do it, I can say it is the shittiest thing I’ve ever done.
I had been checking out of the relationship for about a year and was developing feelings for someone at the office (THAT controversy is a WHOLE ‘nother story). I hadn’t yet slept with the other man but we were spending time together outside the office and the attraction was mutual and thankfully not based solely on looks.
I was dropping hints about this guy and my growing attraction to him for months. I finally said I was developing feelings for this other guy and that if an opportunity for something to happen presented itself I was going to go for it, thinking that would start the discussion to just end it. But my then BF told me that office crushes are normal and so long as I didn’t act on it everything was fine. I knew it was over. If I could have such strong feelings about someone else, even if nothing long-term could come of it (work, remember?) there were no prospects for continuing as we were. I thought I was giving my BF an out but he didn’t take it and I had made my position clear.
Shortly after that discussion I did finally sleep with the other guy. Even basking in the afterglow I felt sick, knowing I was going to now have to rip off that bandage.
I steeled myself for a week and then told my BF I couldn’t be with him anymore. I could no longer provide the kind of relationship he wanted and he knew what had happened. Even with all the groundwork I thought I had laid for this moment, looking into his eyes I knew then I had never hurt anyone as deeply. That pain was palpable and it was my fault but I didn’t want to try to rebuild.
Being totally into self-flagellation I needed to do my penance and went into such a deep, deep depression I went to bed for days. When I missed two days of work the company sent someone to my house and I wound up in the hospital. Guilt. I had to learn intense recrimination so I would never, ever hurt anyone like that ever again.
When I spoke to an ex of mine about the whole thing, he said of the BF I had left that he was an adult and given time, probably a short time, he would understand I had been open and honest about my feelings and it was to my credit that I had given him opportunities to walk away and he was the only one responsible for staying until it came to the point where I had to end it.
When I decided to marry my husband, I reached out to the ex I had hurt to ask for forgiveness, acknowledge he had been better to me than I deserved, and seek his blessing for me to get married. It was emotional but he gave his blessing and forgiveness and a stern warning to treat my husband like gold.
Five years on, married, I don’t dwell on that experience but I took what I learned and did my ex one better by treating my husband like platinum covered in diamonds. And the other guy is still part of my life, still an object of deep affection, though we both work for different companies now. My husband likes him, he likes my husband. Everything worked out but it was a tough lesson never again to take anyone I ever cared about for granted and try never, ever to cause that kind of pain again.
onthemark
@Glücklich: Soon to be a LIFETIME movie presentation! Brought to you by Activia yogurt.
Glücklich
@onthemark:
Meredith Baxter is playing my part. Tentatively titled “My Rectum? Damn Near Killed’im.”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110611/
David Bolton
@Josh447: I concur. We are ALL speaking from personal experience, and it doesn’t take an “authority” to legitimize comments made as such. But one observation I would definitely like to make is that I’m not the name caller here. I don’t have any problem whatsoever with anyone who chooses to be a so-called “prude,” or finds casual sex isn’t their thing, or believes that monogamy works for them and their partner. That is a sentiment that doesn’t appear to be shared by those who think that people like me are “whores.” Cheap whores, as a matter of fact. Sexuality and sexual activity doesn’t define me or anyone else, in my opinion. My experiences are MINE, and I have just as much right to hold them up to compare to anyone else’s.
David Bolton
@David Bolton: And again, this is not an all-or-nothing issue. There are people who are perfectly happy in an open relationship. It works for them, and has worked for them for a long time. You can be in an emotionally monogamous relationship without being sexually faithful. People do it all the time.
Thomas C. Graham
The bigger issue is how many of them cheat, unprotected. Then go home to their boyfriend, exposing the man “they love” to diseases.
barkomatic
I believe everyone should engage in the type of relationship they are most comfortable with–without being judged for it. But ha! This is the gay community and we love, love, love to judge and put each other down in the most mean spirited and hurtful way possible. Some of these comments on both sides of the issue are really sad to read.
In my personal case, its easier for me when I’m with someone who wants an open relationship. It seems my sex drive is lower than most guys and I generally only want to do it once or twice a week. Yet everyone I know and whose online profiles I read seems to want it every day and sometimes more. I simply can’t do that and if my man wants to get it outside the relationship then it takes pressure off me.
Of course, this potentially exposes me to STI’s but I try to take precautions to minimize that risk. However, except for a few serious ones, like HIV and Hep C–the rest really aren’t the big deal that some people make them out to be. I’ve had a few in my life and after a short round of medication they vanish never to be seen again. From reading the abject fear that some people have on this board about catching one–you’d think they’d kill themselves or something.
My theory is that STI are connected with immorality in guys heads and so even catching a very minor one makes the guy feel morally “dirty” which is a word I hear often. Are you “dirty” when you have the flu or caught chicken pox as a kid? Most people don’t think twice about kissing a person who had cold sores in the past–but guess what? That’s herpes.
Again, I think STI’s should certainly be avoided but I thought I would bring up my opinion on the matter since I see they are being used as a kind of weapon in this discussion and others I’ve seen here.
Josh447
@David Bolton: I totally get it, and I don’t see you as a name caller. Your comments are really constructive and non judgmental and I find them interesting and quite honest and valid view points for having a fun good life. You seem to live it on your own terms with a live and let live attitude. My god who forgot about free will in this room? F*** the judgment freaks.
Keep it up man. Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving.
Giancarlo85
@onthemark: You haven’t improved and you keep bullshitting.
I was never arguing under this article about open relationships. People keep bringing it up but this article was about cheating in a relationship.
Giancarlo85
@onthemark: “Then he backtracked and said, no that’s not what I meant, I meant it was better for ME… but oh dear, then when it was pointed out that he backtracked, he flipped out, and he reverted to yes I AM better and that’s what I said all along. (Giancarlo really hates admitting he was ever wrong about, well, anything.) ”
Nope. I never backtracked. You are typical. Bringing up that stupid horseshit again… because you don’t know how to read. And yes my relationship is better than an open relationship. But that has nothing to do with this article. You are a self righteous nasty piece of shit.
Josh447
PS. I’d add this one piece of stat from my court; real men play the field and don’t consider themselves whore’s or sluts if that’s their choice. In fact they love it. Then some of them get married and don’t want to touch another human being but their beloved. Then in ten years they may revert back. Life is like a washing machine, it goes in cycles. I like to have fun on every cycle, they are all needed to produce clean clothes in the end.
Giancarlo85
@Josh447: That isn’t the way it is for everyone or even most people. And a horrible analogy.
Clark35
@bottom250: Enjoy your HIV and other STDs.
@barkomatic: The other STDs aren’t that big of a deal? WTF I guess you enjoy having herpes and genital warts then.
Clark35
@gaym50ish: Hetero guys cheat on their wives all the time…
Clark35
@ThisChrisGuy84: Agreed.
Giancarlo85
@Clark35: Yeah all that needs to happen to bottom250 is a broken condom… and yea, an STD… and perhaps HIV. If he uses condoms at all…
Josh447
Giancarlo85
Actually it’s a very good analogy. You are in a cycle right now. It’s the one where the clothes are the smelliest and dirtiest, stench fills the air, and haven’t quite made it to the washing machine yet. With you it’s bitterness spite and hateful viruses of the brain that you think will get quelled by tossing all that on others. But someone will throw you in the wash, you just gotta be patient. Even if you don’t want to go. It’ll still happen. Always does. Peace out.
barkomatic
@Clark35: Are you angry about something? Of course I wouldn’t “enjoy” having an STD–and nothing I wrote suggested that.
Giancarlo85
@Josh447: Nope. A terrible analogy. And you are the one that keeps repeating yourself… as if you speak from a position of authority. Your limited world views are not applicable to the lives of most people. Bitterness? Where? And what hate? I am in this article, simply denouncing cheating in relationships. You’re reading something I simply didn’t write. I am NOT discussing “open relationships” here.
You are the bitter and resentful one. You are a sick little man who now wants an opposing viewpoint to simply vanish because you disagree with it? Get a reality check, kid. Not everyone thinks like you.
I understand you like fucking with guy after guy every night… that’s great. That’s your freedom. But most of us don’t live like that. Remember to use protection and get tested regularly.
Giancarlo85
@Josh447: And you’re a judgmental little thing too… you seem to have it all figured out. One day someone will throw your ass into the washing machine, but then again I don’t think anyone wants to bother with damaged goods.
bottom250
@Clark35: Clark how dare you wish Aids on another gay man. Your hate and sadness makes me cry. Sweetheart why would you wish Aids on another human being. You are an awful person.
Matthew Chaney
Sometimes, my likes do not apply to the article, but rather the hot guys in the picture.
Bauhaus
@bottom250:
Try to ignore @Clark35:. He’s a cantankerous troll.
bottom250
@Bauhaus: Hugs thank you sweetheart
onthemark
The thing that truly puzzles me about Giancarlo and Taskebab (in particular, here), and monogamy fanatics in general, is that they NEVER tell us anything about what is supposedly so great about their relationships.
They seem to be in a monogamous relationship for no other reason than to be in a monogamous relationship, so then they can brag about being in a monogamous relationship, so then because they are in a monogamous relationship they can feel superior to all the gay sluts out there. It’s all becomes like an M.C. Escher drawing in 3-D.
Then they get offended if anyone suggests the obvious, that by doing this they are merely trying to impress straight people. Or to follow ancient, moribund religious doctrines without even bothering with the religion.
They are doing a frantic and very earnest “sales pitch” for monogamy, but it’s certainly a weird one! “Be monogamous so you can feel superior to all those sluts!”
@Josh447: I really like your “washing machine” analogy. And your image of tossing Giancarlo into one. (As you’re probably aware, all that vicious stuff he’s written here in the past is still Google-able; he forgets that. And I’m not exaggerating in the slightest.)
@Giancarlo85: “And yes my relationship is better than an open relationship.” Oh yeah, that’s not judgmental at all.
onthemark
@Giancarlo85: And yes, the ARTICLE is about being dishonest in relationships. But that’s not what your very first comment here was about. You jumped right in to make a false dichotomy between (1) being monogamous and (2) being a “player.”
Both legitimate choices, yes. But you wanted to pretend that nothing in between was even possible. Nice, self-hating homophobic way to libel a large group of the gay male population.
Then to anyone stating the obvious – that the “in-between” is indeed possible – you keep saying, well “nobody gives a sh*t what you think,” you don’t speak for “all gay men,” etc. Non sequitur. There IS a (3) choice – the in-between, “open” (to various degrees) relationship or whatever works for the individuals involved. But for some weird reason you can’t even admit this; you always, immediately start changing the subject to “you don’t speak for all gay men” (nobody was ever claiming to do that).
Does the existence of the (3) choice threaten YOUR relationship in some way? Unless you’re afraid that your boyfriend is going to escape from the dungeon, why do you even care so much about all this? If your relationship is so great, why not just enjoy it and mind your own business for a change?
And again, nobody here is arguing in favor of lying in relationships.
wip
erkek erke?i sikermi lan
AtticusBennett
@Taskebab: you just sound like someone who couldn’t get laid if his life depended on it.
we all have different sex drives and approaches to sexuality and its many expressions.
if you need to convince yourself that all gay men are sluts…well…you’re really just telling us all that nobody wants to give you a ride.
http://littlekiwilovesbauhaus.blogspot.ca/2010/01/what-is-monogamy-all-about.html
then there’s the guys who claim to be monogamous, and happy, yet are always denigrating those of us whose relationships have variations of openness – um…if your monograms relationship was even half as happy as you want people to think it is you wouldn’t say any of the nonsense you’re saying.
you sound no different than the anti-gay bigots who say “Yours isn’t a REAL marriage!” or “your family isn’t a REAL family!” = miserable people who choose to pretend that others are more miserable than them, so they can feel better about their failed relationship that they’re clearly TRAPPED in.
notevenwrong
@Giancarlo has a great relationship AND spends his nights being bitter on Queerty. Who said the modern gay man can’t have it all?
Giancarlo85
@onthemark: Oh the little shit head continues to respond to me… and so does “notevenwrong” (his alias).
Onthemark, notevenwrong… sounds like the same dumbass to me. This guy never thinks he’s wrong.
onthemark
@Giancarlo85: Actually it’s worse than that, Giancarlo. We have a confession to make.
A bunch of us gang-banged your boyfriend a few days ago! Me, notevenwrong, David Bolton, Atticus Bennett, jwtraveler, and Josh 447.
It was HOT! Your boyfriend is a good lay. And he was obviously thrilled to have some actual sex for a change. You really should let him “escape” from the dungeon more often.
Glücklich
Must every Queerty item devolve into an escalating argument between the usual suspects? See my comment on the Grindr catfisher about not having enough to do.
Josh447
Giancarlos85 has consistently violated the Comments Policy (http://www.queerty.com/queertys-comment-policy) and is now eligible to be banned. I urge all of you who are negatively affected to review this thread and any other threads you know of his violations, and flag all Giancarlos85 comments where the user has violated the comments policy. I also urge you write Queerty with your complaints and suggestions. Send email to: [email protected]
Milton Appleby
How many times is this going to be posted?
Alfie Sheppard
Boring. People cheat fishing a load of gay guys confessions together is totally meaningless and perpetuating a stereotype that gay men can’t do monogamy.
Ton Saeliew
“Cheating ways.” Kay. Gays are inherently deceitful. Queerty confirmed.
Todd Opyt
Stupid…this could be anyone…straight or gay…
Scotty O. Curtis
THIS IS OLD NEWS
frankcar1965
@jbeau: What about him? Is he monogamous? You tell yourself he is but likely he is not. They all cheat eventually.