There is no sum of money great enough to convince us to relive our high school years (time travel restraints aside).
Though many high school-era memories are tinted with a rosy glow of nostalgia, the reality is it’s a turbulent time of self-discovery, confusion and learning from mistakes.
For LGBT teens, those qualities are amplified by social stigma, constant ‘covering,’ and in many cases homophobic family and peers.
We wanted to get an idea of what gay teens are currently going through in high school, and our friends at Whisper dug through their data to find out.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Here’s what they uncovered:
BearFlagCitizen
Hang in there. Grew up in a small town high school myself and thought I was the only gay too. Didn’t come out until my early 20s. Later, found out there were five others in my graduating class who were also gay and basically in hiding too.
Roland Hamburger
its a big struggle. One of the Hardest things in the late 90s early 2000s to deal with your Sexuality in school. Trying to fit in and be who you are but at the same time hiding a piece of who your are. Not being true to yourself because of fear.
cchou444
My friend Clay killed himself Freshmen year over Christmas break because our friends teased him so bad about being gay. The crazy thing is we will never know if he was or wasn’t, I was and kept my mouth shut…..got picked on almost as much too. I never completed school since I couldn’t go back after he shot himself, wanted to die myself…..
AtticusBennett
when i graduated high school in 2001, i was one of three openly-gay classmates in my year. 10 years later, there were 15 more of us. and two more former-classmates came out in the last two years.
yeah. you couldn’t pay me to relive my childhood and adolescence. i made it, i survived it, i worked my bloody ass off to get through it.
but what really pained me in high school, and was a big reason why i eventually came out then, was that i simply did not respect ANY of the people whom i knew to be anti-gay. i was a smart kid, so i knew right off the bat that bigotry was baseless, unjustified and indicative that the person harbouring that bigotry was an insecure, intellectually stunted moron.
and i was angry that i was living my life censoring myself to …what? hide and/or appease the ideals of people whom i didn’t even respect?
you should have seen folks when i brought my boyfriend to my high school graduation, and he sat with my family. it wasn’t so much people going “i can’t believe he’s gay”, but rather “i can’t believe he’s brought his boyfriend to graduation” – when you stand strong and claim who you are, with pride and security, people lose their ability to hold your being gay against you.
Mack
Things have changed over the years for gay kids. When I went to school in the 60’s we didn’t have the media information we have now. We didn’t have the internet with the multitude of resources available. I thought I was the only gay in school and to this day I still think I was. I just thought I was just some weird kid. We didn’t even have a gay guy on TV. But times have changed and now we know we’re not the only one to love someone of the same sex.
My advise to any young person is if you think you’re the only one, seek out organizations in your area that helps gays. If you live in an area that is considered backwards, then search out help on the internet. The help is there. Perhaps in your search you’ll find that there are people in your area with the same situation as you. They’re just hiding too.
onthemark
Abolish high school! See Rebecca Solnit in the April issue of Harper’s magazine. They have a high paywall, but the magazine is always good and it’s well worth checking out.
She points out that 8% of US high school students, nationwide, attempt suicide. With such a staggeringly high figure, obviously these are not even all gay kids (even if they’re almost all CALLED gay).
There’s also the little detail that most students don’t actually learn much of anything.
This is not a system that can be reformed. This is not a system there is any hope for whatsoever. This is a system that needs to be abolished.
@Mack: That is good advice (in the short term, until Harper’s abolition utopia is achieved!). Yes, everything seems easier for them now. EXCEPT for the online bullying. So we can’t be too smug about the progress. It still sucks for them and the tech stuff is kind of a double-edged sword. But they may as well make use of the positive aspects of it.
Adriano Peluso
pictures don’t show
Merv
@Adriano Peluso: I wasn’t going to mention anything, but it’s the same for me. The whisper embeds have worked for me in the past, but this time they’re mostly blank white rectangles, with a button in the corner to “get app.” Using Win 8.1, and seeing basically the same behavior on Chrome and IE.
dhmonarch89
it’s a lot better today than it was growing up in the 70-90s….I think the over 40s deserve a few support groups.
onthemark
Check this out – (if you think YOU had problems as a teenager!) – “These Teens Found Family in a ‘Gay Gang'”:
http://www.citylab.com/crime/2015/04/these-teens-found-family-in-a-gay-gang/389667/
Sebastian Zatarain
Gee I when to a all man catholic high school Damian hight in la verde Ca and it was a huge struggle. But I was strong and determined I always fight back I always stay true to who I’m no matter what others said to me always proud oh and I had a bf on top of all that. And all this happen from 1996 to the day I graduated in 2000
polarisfashion
From day one, society assumes everyone is straight. For LGBTQ people, we initially are confused because we know something is different about ourselves. Some of us figure it out sooner than others. Bullying draws attention to our being different and sure doesn’t help. My heart goes out to everyone that has been bullied and it makes angry every time another one of our LGBTQ brothers and sisters commit suicide.
Mack
@Merv: You can click on the logo and it opens to a picture. I have Window 8.1 and it works for me.
Eldred
@Merv: Yeah, it’s doing that same thing to me since this morning. Wasn’t sure if they knew and were going to fix it so I just didn’t say anything.
Like this: http://i.imgur.com/QzM6LO9.png
ppp111
I went to school in the 80s during the conservative, Reagan years. The only gay images were those presented on television and they were rarely anthing but bad stereotypes and AIDS patients. I still remember all the taunts and put-downs kids used on each other; it was horrible. There were times I didn’t want to attend school but I had little choice. We didn’t have access to support groups like kids do today. I’m glad that things have changed for LGBT youth but there’s still a lot of work left. Ah well, the important thing is we got through it and that’ s all that matters.
Masc Pride
“There is no sum of money great enough to convince us to relive our high school years (time travel restraints aside).”
Speak for yourself, Danny. I wouldn’t mind going back to free food, housing and every summer off. Luckily, I didn’t experience much bullying in high school. I was pretty athletic. Most of the bullying I’ve experienced has actually come from within the gay community.
AtticusBennett
@Masc Pride: #liar
you have no experience with the gay community, with the exception of your anonymous posts online. we get it. you want people to think you’re “masc” . but you’re not. you’re just homely.
is this the day you finally show who you are, and show what a strong “masc” man you are? no. of course not. you’re not masc. you’re an unimpressive, unloved and solitary anonymous internet troll.
that’s what’s so pathetic about you – you prove yourself wrong every day, with every insecure anonymous post.
R Russell
Going through high school in the early 70s was hell. I lived in a town of less than 1,200 people and had ninety people in my graduating class. I went through a lot of bullying and thought I was the only gay male in my class. There were actually five gay guys, which I discovered at our ten year reunion and I was the only one who took a boyfriend to that reunion. There are only two of us alive today; the AIDS epidemic of the 80s claimed the other three. I wouldn’t want to relive those years in school, but feel that kids today have so many gay role models and technology to reach others like them, that it must be somewhat easier now.
Masc Pride
@AtticusBennett: You prove me right every day. Thanks for providing yet another shining example of how bitter and toxic the gay community can be.
Curty
Being gay In high school wasn’t all that bad besides worrying about if a guy you messed would out you. I guess I discovered my sexuality in 11th grade when finally a boy in my class put moves on me at my house. Lol We became a couple and both us were very closeted. We went out on dates publicly but of course took female prom dates. I say to young people today be patient and realize that things will get better and you’re not alone. Seek mentors and do a lot of reading, reach out to peer groups. Hang in there and remember you’re normal and just as good and valuable as your straight peers.
Saint Law
@Masc Pride: Being zinged on an anonymous forum by a bunch of randoms you will never meet does not constitute ‘bullying’, you precious little drama kween you.
Anthony Tubbs
Those are really their biggest struggles??
Chris
My high school years were shaped by what happened (or almost happened) to me before I even had a chance to deal with my own sexuality. Not once; but twice, older men tried to abduct me for servicing them.
I was in eighth grade when a much older man tried to abduct me up as I waited for my parents outside of the county library. The area where the library was located was “notorious” even among my classmates as a pick-up spot. But I was too naive to realize that someone would have the brass to try when a kid was standing in front of the doors that had just been locked for the night and my parents were clueless about those sorts of things. The only thing that stopped him was when I told him that my parents were on their way there and I “promised” him to return the next night to see him…..as if…..
I had just started high school and was walking to a bus stop to go home. Another man stopped his car, grabbed and exposed himself to me, and told me to get in so that I could give him a job. He stopped when I told him that I expected my father to show up “any minute now.”
It took me years — decades, really — to get over the image these two men gave me about what it means to be gay and to be comfortable enough to acknowledge my own sexuality. [And yes, I know those times were repressive and that my parents were next to useless; but it does not excuse what those two men did to me and who knows how many other kids.]
So while I ache for posters on this site and for people whose own recollections are of being bullied and ostracized, I can’t help but think that things have gotten just the tiniest bit better since I was growing up. I hope that, in the not-too-distant future, vestiges of this sort of behavior are banished to the dustbin of history.
AtticusBennett
@Saint Law: totally. it’s kinda funny, no gay people will actually have to interact with “masc pride” in real life. he’s too busy wasting each day telling his daddy he’s “not like those stereotypical queens” to ever grow a pair of balls and go out and interact with other gay people.
masc pride. HA. insecure shame-filled wimp with daddy-issues.
Merv
@Adriano Peluso: @Mack: @Eldred: Yay! The Whisper embeds work now.
Giancarlo85
@Masc Pride: You’re such a major liar. You have had little to no interaction with the gay community. And you don’t get bullied. Learn the difference between “bullying” and “criticism”.
As far as you being “athletic”… I highly doubt it.
Jacob23
Seems to me that these stories fall into 3 categories: 1) bullying 2) the closet and 3) loneliness/lack of a romantic partner. We have made amazing strides on 1) and 2), and the future looks pretty bright for continued progress. We can imagine a day in the near future when gay kids can and do come out as a general rule and when bullying is no longer acceptable.
However, even if we have complete success in both of those areas, item 3) is likely to always be an issue. Even if every single gay and bi kid came out today, they would only be about 4% of any given school. 2% gay and 2% bi. If you assume that half of the bi kids hook up with the opposite sex, that leaves 3% as potential boyfriends and girlfriends. When your search for a boyfriend or girlfriend with 97% of your high school disqualified, it makes things difficult. That is why there will be an ongoing need for safe, healthy social outlets for LGB kids outside of school, where they can meet more LGB kids their own age and maybe increase their odds of finding a bf or gf.
Jacob23
Chris:
As disgusting as they were, it doesn’t sound like they were trying to abduct you. You don’t really say what happened in the first incident, but the perv went away when you said you would meet back there tomorrow. I’m no expert in this area, but I doubt that this is how real abductors operate. The second guy was driving and never left his car. Leaving aside the abduction issue, it sounds to me like those guys were 2 perverts and possible sex addicts. I can understand why, as a 13-year old, you might link their actions with being gay, but it is a false link. You can go on any chat room and claim to be a 13-year old girl and you’ll instantly get a flood of greetings from hetero pervs. But that wouldn’t be a good indicator of what it means to be heterosexual.
Chris
@Jacob23: The guy guy at the library had his arm around my shoulder as you would when guiding someone and he only took it off when I told him about my parents. Since the guy in the car “only” opened the passenger door and told me to get in, that was probably not as “real” as the first guy’s attempt.
And of course, the link between pedophilia and being gay is false…it only took me 10 to 15 years to figure that out on my own, in spite of psycho-babble and other propaganda to the contrary.
I agree that things happen in chat rooms. But what happened to me took place in real life not virtual reality; and I had absolutely no one to talk with this about.
But my original points remain: back in the mists of time, my high school years were warped by what these two pervs tried to do; and there were no — absolutely no — forms of social support to help a kid to get through it. You know the part about telling an adult; well not back then. ….. Things have improved since then. And I remain hopeful for the future because I see how far we’ve come since my high school years.
Masc Pride
@Anthony Tubbs: Thank you! This is the age of self-victimizing and melodrama. They’re too self-involved to realize that they’re quite lucky if these are in fact their biggest struggles.
@Giancarlo85: Do I know you? When and where did we meet?
Cee
@onthemark: True story. I didn’t learn sh!t in high school. I cut class all the time. I got kicked out of class like once a week. Then got transferred to different schools. Then I ended up testing out and graduating early…so what does that say? Think I graduated early from anything I learned in high school? Nope. High school is bogus. I think a lot of people are smart enough to test out, but most don’t even explore the option because they just don’t know about it or maybe their parents won’t let them take the test. Test out and start your life early. I didn’t want to go to high school anymore. I wasn’t even bullied. I was just bored. Bored out of my mind with friends and class. Didn’t really look back after I graduated.
onthemark
@Cee: That’s a great story. Maybe you’ll inspire someone else to escape! The author of that article also tested out (as you may have guessed). It’s an option that more kids should at least consider.
@Jacob23: You put it well, although I wonder a little about your slightly oversimplified Point 2.
Many bullying victims, probably most, are in reality straight! Even though the bullies call them gay. (Let’s not assume the bullies know what they’re talking about, right?) To tell heterosexual victims of bullying to “come out” – as what? – would be absurd and ineffective at best.
For the LGBT kids, coming out will of course have many ancillary benefits, but it’s no “magic wand” against bullying itself. The bullies already think their victims are gay and call them gay. So finding out they’re definitely really truly gay is not automatically a deterrent. It might even make things worse. The bullied gay kid needs some protective backup.
Cee
@R Russell: That’s interesting. I don’t know how much easier it is seeing as bullying is a big problem right now and so many gay and trans kids committing suicide today.
Jacob23
@onthemark: Thanks for your comment. Just to clarify, the bit about coming out wasn’t suggested as a way to overcome or combat bullying. What I was trying to articulate is that even if we get to a point where bullying and homophobia are completely eliminated from schools and when every LGB kid comes out as a matter of course, we will still be left with the issue of gay kids’ having a harder time with dating and romance. This last issue is a result of numbers, not of any external oppression.
Jacob23
@Chris: Hey, thank you for sharing this. I am really, really sorry that you had those encounters with those scumbags and that they impacted you as they did.
Having thought about this a little more, I will venture that there is a gay connection to your experience in one respect. Not that gays are more likely to go after underage people or that what happened to you couldn’t have happened to a girl. Rather, the connection might be that, for a variety of historical reasons, we gays have been saddled with a culture of quick pickups and public sex – to a far greater degree than heteros ever experience. Given enough people making crude passes at enough strangers over a long enough time, inevitably you will get some non-pedophile adults hitting on underage teens, either because they don’t know that they are doing it, or because the culture of sleaze in which they operate leads them not to care. And while a hetero youth could run to his or her parents or the police, a gay youth in the past and in some circumstances today has many reasons not to report. In these 2 ways, a gay youth would be at greater risk for this sort of predatory conduct, even if the % of bona fide pedophile/pederast gays is no greater than among heteros.
This really is changing. That culture of sleaze and voluminous hookups is dying out, concentrating in an ever smaller subset of gay and bi men. This is an area of interest for me and I track the social science research on this. Things really are getting better and a really important study on this, which is in progress right now, promises the best results yet. But it took a long time to ensconce itself, and its demise is taking place at a painfully slow rate.
Sorry to go on for so long. Thank you again for sharing and I am glad that you have gotten over what happened.
Curty
I didn’t come out in high school but at age 21, 29 now. People should come out when they are ready and it was at 21 when I thought at the time I was in a loving relationship that I felt I could come out. I did change my behavior though after high school; I didn’t dent about being gay anymore. I didn’t pretend that there was some girl in my life. I started to find myself and realize it was more than about me but about the equality of the LGBT community as a whole. A community I feel strongly about, care about. No matter what race, ethnic background, or economic situation I realize what affects one person in our community affects us all.
AtticusBennett
“That culture of sleaze and voluminous hookups is dying out, concentrating in an ever smaller subset of gay and bi men. This is an area of interest for me and I track the social science research on this. ”
massive eye-roll. it’s also utterly incorrect. what’s happening is that more insecure conservative gays are coming out.
what you wrote is not happening – more and more openly-gay people are embracing their sexual sides, and enjoying their sexuality and its expressions – even if puritanical ninnies look at them and declare them “sleazy” or immoral.
a culture where gay men can embrace hookups – it’s a male-male system, unique from the female-male one, and within that comes a world of friendships and bonds that often have a sexual-overlap.
there is no “culture of sleaze” and i’ve got an actual academic understanding of this.
Jeffery Hibbard
i had a gay old time in high school, it was opened mine,in the 70s
Mark Alan McRoberts
HS just plain old sucks. I was bullied and yet there were others but we were so scared of doing or being found out I never cultivated positive relationship with classmates and other younger and older students. That was 70-74. I would rather die than go back to HS.
Jax Blaze
Sigh, how many more centuries we will wait ?
Jax Blaze
Dear Queerty, Can you please not recycle the posts again and again. I will have to stop following you because of the spam
Mark Alan McRoberts
There not enough money on the earth. I don’t think I would survive. Especially the bigotry from my mom, church as well as the rape during that time. I would long be dead.
Ryan Hall
I learned to become invisible after 7th grade. No one bothered me four years of complete oblivion