In an announcement surprising no one, Edward Peters, a legal advisor to the Vatican, and the Archbishop of Detroit have claimed that homosexual Catholics participating in holy Communion—the most routine of The Seven Sacraments—are not entitled to it, and accepting it would be an act of perjury.
Flavorless wafers and juice are regularly consumed by Catholics around the globe in the ceremonious ritual every Sunday, believing it to be the actual body and blood of Christ. Gay people thinking they’re also entitled to such a sacred thing is just crazy, right?
“Catholics who promote same-sex marriage act contrary to Catholic law,” Peters posted to his blog, which is probably now receiving the most traffic it’s ever had. “They “should not approach for holy Communion.” Peters failed to address the countless suppressed homosexual priests and altar boys that enjoy snacking on the wafers and juice after quickies behind the altar.
“This sort of behavior would result in publicly renouncing one’s integrity and logically bring shame for a double-dealing that is not unlike perjury,” added Allen Vigneron, the Archbishop of Detroit, who also denies crackers to parishioners that femininely saunter down the aisle toward him with outstretched palms and a sexy, ‘come hither’ look.
Yes, this means the Catholic faith has embraced aliens before gays. No word yet on whether or not gay aliens will be affected.