Breaking up is hard to do. But not all breakups are of the romantic sort.
Last week, we offered you six tips on how to be a great wingman at a gay bar. But what happens when you’re great wingman turns out to be not-go-great after all? There comes a time in every gay man’s life when he must cut ties with someone from his past.
It could be a former bar buddy whose drinking habit has gotten out of hand, or a college friend whose personality turned toxic after graduation. It might be an old co-worker who needs to grow up, or an ex-roomie who needs to get a clue.
In any event, it’s someone you were once close to, but who no longer serves a positive purpose in your life and, therefore, must go.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Here are five steps to breaking up with your gay best friend…
Step 1: Arrange a get together
While it may be tempting to simply delete him from your phone, block him on Facebook and Grindr, and avoid him every time you see him out at the bar, that’s really not a very grown-up way of handling things, especially when the two of you have a history. Take 20 minutes out of your life to meet for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine and have a grown lady conversation. You might not want to at first, but you’ll be glad you did in the end. Going the passive-aggressive route by giving him the silent treatment means you’re still going to have to deal with ignoring his texts and dodging him at parties until he finally gets the hint, which could take weeks, months, or even years.
Step 2: Explain why you’re calling it quits.
Has he been flirting with your boyfriend? Did he hookup with your ex without running it by you first? Is his constant late-night drunk dialing getting to be too much? Has he gone all negative? Or have the two of you simply grown apart? Whatever the reason, let him know why you’re breaking it off. It will make you feel better getting it off your chest and it just might make him think twice about his behavior in the future.
Step 3: Give him a chance to explain himself.
After you’ve said your piece, he’ll likely respond one of two ways: With an apology or by getting defensive. Either way, give him an chance to explain himself. Even if you’re still not interested in being BFFs afterwards, it will help bring you both a sense of closure, or at least offer you an opportunity to fling wine in his face–or provide him the same.
Step 4: Set your boundaries.
OK, so you’ve explained why you’re dumping him. You’ve heard what he has to say. Now it’s time now to establish the terms of your breakup. Is this goodbye forever? Or are you willing to remain casual acquaintances? Could you possibly be friends again in the future? We recommend the six month rule. Spend six months ignoring each other, then reconnect to see if you have miraculously grown back together or whether he has matured. Whatever, figure out what you want, tell him in clear terms, and then stick to it.
Step 5: Enjoy your newfound freedom.
Now that you’ve been released from the chains and fetters of this poisonous friendship, twirl off into the sunset, pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay, and catch up on those Real Housewives reruns. If he tries calling or texting you a week later, don’t feel as though you have to respond. Just like when you break up with a boyfriend, breaking up with a friend means you’re no longer obligated to that person anymore.
Enjoy your newfound freedom.
Related stories:
Six Tips On How To Be A Great Wingman
Rules For Saying Goodbye: How To Break Up With Your F**k Buddy
The Psychology Of Breaking Up: Why Saying “Goodbye” Can Be The Greatest Act Of Love
Blackceo
“Girl” bye??!!! If a guy calls me a girl anything we not gonna be friends. I don’t like that shit just like calling a man’s ass pussy. It ain’t pussy.
martinbakman
@Blackceo: I agree. Also, don’t care for this “Bye Felicia” B.S.
Not interested in friends that behave like this anyway. I don’t need five steps to make my decision on that.
DarkZephyr
When it comes to the “gone all negative” aspect, I would say it would have to depend on why. Are they going through a tough time in life where they need a friend more than ever before? I certainly wouldn’t give them the heave ho for that. True friends stick by you when you actually need them. And for my part, I am no fair weather friend. I am in it for the long haul with all of my relationships, be it romantic or friendly.
While I didn’t have a problem with the campy language used “bye Felicia”, “girl”, etc (there is nothing lowly about females, so there is no insult in being called “girl” in my book) I did feel like this was very superficial. I mean there is just SO much in the gay community that is superficial and shallow. Even friendships have to be that way?
Kieran
“Girl, bye”?? Is this five steps to breaking up with Caitlyn Jenner?
If you think you’re really a girl, go have the operation already and stop identifying as a “gay Man”.
Blackceo
@martinbakman:
Exactly. I wouldn’t need five steps. I’d only need one.
@DarkZephyr:
No there is nothing lowly about females. The most influential people in my life have been women, BUT I AIN’T ONE!!!!!!!
Giancarlo85
@Blackceo: Bitch please! You know you’re not fooling anyone.
Why do people get their panties in a bunch when a gay guy says “girl” to another? Lighten up please! I’m sorry your sensibilities are so offended.
@Kieran: Thanks for sharing. Have any other uber-masculine nonsense to share?
I don’t get you guys… why are you so offended when a gay guy says “girl” to another? They aren’t meaning any offense. Lighten up and take the dildo out of your ass.
And the misogynist attitudes on here are evident and quite hypocritical. You guys are almost as whiny as Juventus fans after the drubbing they received a day ago.
S Romey Louangvilay
Mary Thirakoune
DarkZephyr
@Blackceo: I am not trying to start a debate with you, we each have our own views on this and I tend to enjoy your comments and have a lot of respect for you. That being said, I am also not a girl, I don’t identify as one but going into insulted mode over it just isn’t all that critical for me because there is no insult there. Granted I’d feel differently about it if it was coming from a homophobe because despite there being no *inherent* insult in the word “girl”, I know the intent behind a homophobe’s use of it would be insulting. And it would doubly piss me off then because of a) the homophobic intent and b) the misandry inherent in it for them to even THINK of using “girl” as an insult for a gay man. Which has definitely happened to me several times in my 38 years of life when certain people came to know or suspect that I was gay.
Trevor McGee
Gosh, how horrible. I’m glad I don’t have friends, like the ones described here. Or, the person who wrote this.
Malte Miro Kofoed-Christensen
Cecilie Werk
jimmie692
hi
jimmie692
Maya . I agree that Louise `s stori is super, last thursday I bought a top of the range Dodge sincee geting a check for $6694 this last four weeks and-also, $10 thousand this past month . it’s actualy the best work I have ever done . I began this nine months/ago and immediately started to bring in minimum $84 p/h .
Sluggo2007
Who writes this shit? 12 year olds?
Mykaels
“Did he hookup with your ex without running it by you first?”
That is not your business, and if you ditch a friend for this, the friend is the better one for it, not you. Grow up and get over yourself.
Charlie in Charge
@Blackceo: Girl, bye.
cantstopme
I have no gay friends…gay guys seem to be a lot of drama or have a lot of emotional baggage. I have many friends and all of them and straight men and women. And I’m a gay man with a boyfriend (healthy relationship btw). *Sigh*
Blackceo
@DarkZephyr:
Gotcha and I hear u. Like u said….to each his own.
Clark35
@cantstopme: This can be true. I’m friends with gay men but we’re just friends. I had to dump one gay guy who became obsessed with me and wanted me to help him cheat on his husband who he’s supposedly “monogamous” with.